Well, parenthood is the focus of late and man, am I really getting an education. My oldest child is almost 19. For a year, she has done nothing but hide out in front of the computer screen. She hasn’t worked, doesn’t help much around the house and is royally mean to her siblings. She’s not doing drugs, isn’t hanging out late at night and I’ve done nothing but encourage her to get out, get a job and meet new people to enjoy reality as opposed to virtual reality. So, this has gone on for 18 months with no change…sometimes marginal in all fairness, but mostly no change. So, I get ready to have “the big talk” with her about…contribute to the household by doing your chores, lay off the little ones and get out and get a job or find a new place to live. I figured something drastic was what was going to be needed to get some kind of about face.
Well, my little sweetheart had a surprise for me. For the last two months she has been planning to move to the opposite coast with a male friend. Okay, my heart broke in that moment because I know how ill prepared she truly is but as she aptly reminded me…whether I think her decision is a mistake or not, it’s her decision to make and not mine. She’s right. How can I argue with that?! So, I had to back track and tell her what I think would make me feel less worried about her decision. Namely, buy a round-trip ticket with an open ended return date…that will help her with a way out if it doesn’t work out well. My motto has always been “plan for the worst but hope for and believe in the best outcome.” So, she agreed. I also told her it would be best to get a job fast so she can save up as much money as possible so she’ll have a little breathing room when she gets there…until she gets a job. So, instead of leaving in March, she’s going to wait until May. Ugh! Not enough time to save up much money but I do have a sneaky hope that getting a job here might introduce her to friends HERE that might make her want to stay HERE. Moving out would be a great idea for her…absolutely. She needs to test her wings. But, going without thinking or planning is just so not a good idea.
So, she got herself a job her first day out looking and I came home to a clean kitchen and living room. Amazing! If only she could have done this a while ago. I’m excited for her journey and think she is incredibly courageous for what she’s doing…to go so far from home her first time out…but then I realized, my daughter, who has also often times been my friend, is leaving me and all of a sudden I feel so very sad. If she was moving close by, I could visit or she could visit but the opposite end of the continent just won’t allow that so it’s a cut it quick, rip off the band aid kind of thing and I just don’t like it. I’ve got enough change to contend with right now and this one will be tough.
Aside from this, my boyfriend and I are moving in together in a few months, we’ll be renting a new place that is a bit less expensive and hopefully more roomy and then trying to adjust to all the kid’s comings and goings. At the same time, now my 9 year old has brought up wanting to go live with her dad. She misses him and I know how hard it is. I’ve suggested to her that she wait to finish 5th grade. When she changes schools to go to Junior high, it’ll be the perfect opportunity to make a change then. I don’t want her to go. My son did this just 2 years ago. So, I’m dealing with too much impending loss and potential loss and I’m feeling really sad and depressed. It’s hard but I know better than to get too worked up. Life’s happenings some times are just not about you and the changes, well, you get used to them eventually and move on. The day I learned my son wanted to live at his dad’s across the continent, I was devastated…it felt like the end of the world but I adjusted. Right now, I’m not adjusting. My oldest is at work, the two younger ones are out playing, my boyfriend is visiting family up north and I’m sitting here all by myself trying to make sense of my own feelings. It just feels weird. I’ve been tired for days despite going to bed early and…I’m quitting smoking this weekend. Ugh! Whatever, if you’re gonna go with change, go BIG, I guess. I’m also moving my office at work 18 miles south. It’ll be a closer drive and a nicer office (with a café down stairs that proudly brews Starbuck’s). Too much to deal with.
So, I had a little glass of Bailey’s, smoked like 5 cigarettes and just decided that no matter what happens, I should never be afraid of my own feelings…even when I feel bad and like I want to crawl outside of my skin. I know that ultimately, balance will be restored because that’s just who I am. I got good news today that was a bright spot…I actually still get a bonus. It’s a few K shorter than normal but in today’s economy, that’s awesome and I’m grateful. Got an “A” on my annual evaluation and have lots of plans for the next year to get me busy. I also just published two books and hard-launched my website…http://www.mysticfyre.net. I’ll certainly have more time for some side work and work that I love, helping people, so it’ll all be good. This too, no matter how difficult it seems, shall pass and life is still beautiful and amazing, the sky is still a beautiful cerulean blue, the sea breeze is still a comfort, and I’ve got lots of people in this world who love me. The cool part about all of it is after all the crazy stuff I’ve been through, I still love me and that’s how I know this will turn out just fine even though I don’t feel so hot right now. I realize I’m on change overload and ultimately it will be good and I’ll adjust. Wow, with kids moving out quicker than I expected, I may get to go back to school…take that journalism class I wanted to take, the psychology classes I wanted to take and well, start to focus on my impending move.
So, my thought for the day is this...I’m sort of having a really bad day today but even though I don’t feel good emotionally or physically right now, I fully realize this is just a normal response to life stress and I will adjust. I’m also still quitting smoking. That’ll make things seem worse but who knows…maybe the nicotine I’m ingesting now is making this all seem worse than it is now. I’m in for a rough couple days starting the day after tomorrow but, maybe I might actually be over the worst of it before my boyfriend gets home next week. That’d be a great surprise. I’ll bet he thinks I can’t do it…well, I can, and I will because I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I allow my addiction to be right now. I’m also a lot stronger than all of this change going on. I’ll get through it one feeling or maybe one tear at a time and I know I’ll feel better a little at a time. So, whatever you’re dealing with or feeling, realize you can get through it one moment at a time, you can still find silver linings and appreciate the sun. My prescription for myself for the next few days is to notice as much beauty in my surroundings as I can. That will generate some positive happy feelings to combat the ones I’m struggling with. You should try it…even if it feels like your heart isn’t in it. Peace to you and to me my friends!!!! LOL
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
A Peculiar Part of the Journey
Something is churning at the core of my soul and it doesn’t feel good. It feels like a painful lesson beginning to emerge or, maybe, it’s just a strong dose of hormones. I’m not sure which but I know I’m not going to let it ruin my day. I’ve had feelings like this before, sometimes preceding some of life’s tougher lessons. I’m feeling like I’m in freefall just now…you know what I mean…it’s that space between the ending of one chapter and the beginning of another…before you can fully see the newly emerging patterns of learnings. I think that what I’m starting to see sends a few frightening thoughts spiraling outwards and it’s hard to articulate. It’s sort of a feeling that all of my weakest parts are being pulled outside of me in the daylight for not only me to take a look at but everyone close to me as well.
It’s alarming but I know such things are necessary. If all your weakest parts are exposed, what is left? There isn’t anything left to fear. It’s sort of a “well, there it is…what can you do? What can I do? What am I gonna do?” There is no hiding when you are exposed. You can tuck your tail between your legs and run away where no one knows you and you can beat the exposure in that manner. Or, you can stay put…stand tall even when you might feel weak and stupid in some areas. I guess that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve made decisions that probably weren’t the best but they were mine to make and I made them the only way I felt I could at the time. Wrong or right doesn’t really matter today…let the cards fall where they will…nothing I can think or do or say can change where I’ve been, the path I took to get to where I am today or the resulting scars I feel still very strongly in my own heart. But, that pain doesn’t bring me fear any more. It lets me know I’m alive, that I’m human…very human, quite fallible, imperfect and bound to make many more mistakes along the way. As much as that thought is alarming to me, I cannot be perfect and I cannot be anyone other than who I am.
Some days I wonder who that is? Some days I feel smart and I make great decisions and other days, I seem to lose my head and make bad decisions I’m just not proud of. The one thing I notice though is that I will beat myself up for the mistakes I’ve made five times as much as I congratulate myself for all of the good things that I’ve done. I’m my own worse enemy most days and I’m not 100% certain that will ever change…maybe some day I’ll learn to tolerate my own judgment of myself, brush it off, quell that voice that drives me too hard towards an unachievable goal of perfection. It’s a ridiculous and impossible goal to do everything perfect, to be perfect and without fault. So I wonder about the way I feel today. I feel raw, emotional and like I’m struggling to keep one step ahead of a bout with the blues. It’s got to be hormones as my problems and worries are really so few at the moment. Perhaps its time to go back and take my own advice…don’t become alarmed at such feelings, make no attempt to resist or over-analyze such feelings…just feel them, acknowledge them…know they are there for a purpose and will soon pass to be replaced, as usual, with complete emotional stability which follows such bouts. You walk through miles of the dark sometimes to find the light but it’s always there just waiting for you to take the steps necessary to lead you there. This I know is true and a fact, at least it is based on my experience.
I just feel peculiar today and wow, hmmm, that’s really a good word to describe it. I feel neither bad nor good just peculiar. Yes, that’s it. I like the description…it doesn’t imply a wrong-ness or a right-ness to anything, just something notably different. That, I can be okay with and that I can just roll with until whatever is trying to get my attention becomes more a part of my awareness. I do realize as I type this that part of this feeling has to do with an aspect of my consciousness, my emotions that are not dwelling in the present…they are quickly washing over the past and thinking of an immediate future where a separation will bring some uneasiness, a yearning and well, I guess that’s really all there is to it. I’m sad when I think about that but I realize it’s just another step in a journey I’m on and that step will lead to another and yet another as the whole thing unfolds. There is a fear underlying it all that comes from a long ways away and it’s silly and really irrelevant so I’ll have no choice but to let it go, send it packing, banished to that place that I stowed away other childish things. As I said, I won’t let this ruin my day. I felt like crying when I started to write this piece today and now, just mere minutes later and I’m smiling even if still feeling quite subdued. I didn’t pick any easy journey this time but it is one that called out to me so I had to take it. It will be worth it in the end as I sense so much growth potential here. It’ll all be well, I know it…that’s just the way it is with me…the curiosity, the discovery, the struggle, overcoming fear and hurdles, success and then rest. Common themes in my journeys it seems. Ah well, enough of that.
My thought for today is, tackle emotions head on. When you’re feeling fearful and wanting to run away and hide…stop right there and try to understand why…when the ego is exposed it becomes very fearful but it’s only through that exposure that you become more refined, more whole and content. You can do it now or put it off and pick it up again later but why wait…why not engage in the inevitable and see what you have to learn from the experience. That’s where my thoughts are today…riding the waves again, staying afloat again, enjoying this feeling of nebulous drifting again trying to trust my innate ability to tread the water of my own emotions successfully, as always.
Blessings to you on your journey.
It’s alarming but I know such things are necessary. If all your weakest parts are exposed, what is left? There isn’t anything left to fear. It’s sort of a “well, there it is…what can you do? What can I do? What am I gonna do?” There is no hiding when you are exposed. You can tuck your tail between your legs and run away where no one knows you and you can beat the exposure in that manner. Or, you can stay put…stand tall even when you might feel weak and stupid in some areas. I guess that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve made decisions that probably weren’t the best but they were mine to make and I made them the only way I felt I could at the time. Wrong or right doesn’t really matter today…let the cards fall where they will…nothing I can think or do or say can change where I’ve been, the path I took to get to where I am today or the resulting scars I feel still very strongly in my own heart. But, that pain doesn’t bring me fear any more. It lets me know I’m alive, that I’m human…very human, quite fallible, imperfect and bound to make many more mistakes along the way. As much as that thought is alarming to me, I cannot be perfect and I cannot be anyone other than who I am.
Some days I wonder who that is? Some days I feel smart and I make great decisions and other days, I seem to lose my head and make bad decisions I’m just not proud of. The one thing I notice though is that I will beat myself up for the mistakes I’ve made five times as much as I congratulate myself for all of the good things that I’ve done. I’m my own worse enemy most days and I’m not 100% certain that will ever change…maybe some day I’ll learn to tolerate my own judgment of myself, brush it off, quell that voice that drives me too hard towards an unachievable goal of perfection. It’s a ridiculous and impossible goal to do everything perfect, to be perfect and without fault. So I wonder about the way I feel today. I feel raw, emotional and like I’m struggling to keep one step ahead of a bout with the blues. It’s got to be hormones as my problems and worries are really so few at the moment. Perhaps its time to go back and take my own advice…don’t become alarmed at such feelings, make no attempt to resist or over-analyze such feelings…just feel them, acknowledge them…know they are there for a purpose and will soon pass to be replaced, as usual, with complete emotional stability which follows such bouts. You walk through miles of the dark sometimes to find the light but it’s always there just waiting for you to take the steps necessary to lead you there. This I know is true and a fact, at least it is based on my experience.
I just feel peculiar today and wow, hmmm, that’s really a good word to describe it. I feel neither bad nor good just peculiar. Yes, that’s it. I like the description…it doesn’t imply a wrong-ness or a right-ness to anything, just something notably different. That, I can be okay with and that I can just roll with until whatever is trying to get my attention becomes more a part of my awareness. I do realize as I type this that part of this feeling has to do with an aspect of my consciousness, my emotions that are not dwelling in the present…they are quickly washing over the past and thinking of an immediate future where a separation will bring some uneasiness, a yearning and well, I guess that’s really all there is to it. I’m sad when I think about that but I realize it’s just another step in a journey I’m on and that step will lead to another and yet another as the whole thing unfolds. There is a fear underlying it all that comes from a long ways away and it’s silly and really irrelevant so I’ll have no choice but to let it go, send it packing, banished to that place that I stowed away other childish things. As I said, I won’t let this ruin my day. I felt like crying when I started to write this piece today and now, just mere minutes later and I’m smiling even if still feeling quite subdued. I didn’t pick any easy journey this time but it is one that called out to me so I had to take it. It will be worth it in the end as I sense so much growth potential here. It’ll all be well, I know it…that’s just the way it is with me…the curiosity, the discovery, the struggle, overcoming fear and hurdles, success and then rest. Common themes in my journeys it seems. Ah well, enough of that.
My thought for today is, tackle emotions head on. When you’re feeling fearful and wanting to run away and hide…stop right there and try to understand why…when the ego is exposed it becomes very fearful but it’s only through that exposure that you become more refined, more whole and content. You can do it now or put it off and pick it up again later but why wait…why not engage in the inevitable and see what you have to learn from the experience. That’s where my thoughts are today…riding the waves again, staying afloat again, enjoying this feeling of nebulous drifting again trying to trust my innate ability to tread the water of my own emotions successfully, as always.
Blessings to you on your journey.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Set Them Free
Again it is with me, out under the stars, early in the morning, waxing contemplative under a bright but waning moon. I’m thoughtful this morning as I am most mornings but today more so. There is something specific on my mind. Something…well, maybe someone would be most appropriate. Have you ever felt a connection with someone that you could not explain? Have you ever had that feeling of recognition at the level of the soul that no words could ever truly describe? I have, and I’m grateful. Such sensations are usually the stuff that really good lessons are made of. But, right now, it’s not lessons I’m thinking about. I’m rather enjoying a moment of quiet contemplation, running through memories in my mind that all at once seem distant and vibrant interchangeably…vibrant because of the depth of emotion, distant because of a desire for proximity that I’m sadly lacking at the moment.
It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that something is on my mind. There are things I want to say and someone I want to say the words to. I would have thought my hesitation was based on fear but I suddenly realize that there is no fear, there is no reason and nothing I have to say brings me any concern at all what-so-ever. I realize how short time can be sometimes. There is never enough and the only thing I regret is not taking the time to say what’s on my mind. I will remedy this very soon because a part of me just won’t rest until I set these words free in one particular direction. So it is sometimes, that words we wish to say linger, trapped inside of our minds and obstacles may exist and keep us from setting our thoughts free. I intend to remove those barriers because nothing is more important sometimes than letting someone you know in on what you’re thinking and feeling.
The tough part is a need to sit with these thoughts a few days. It won’t be easy…a phone call could set the words free, an email or text could do the same…but not these words. These words must be spoken face to face. These words must be expressed in person, preferably in close proximity to ensure the full depth is comprehended. There is nothing that seems more important just now. The urgency rises more and more each day and there is no way I can keep this inside. I’ve no desire to any longer, there are no conditions, there is no reason now except for miles and hours. Soon those will disappear and I can make my thoughts known and have no fear, no conditions to hold me back.
My thought for the day is to consider the things that you want to say to people in your sphere. Are there meaningful words you want to say, thoughts you really want to express? What keeps you from setting them free? Is it fear? There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Consider the reasons, walk through them and don’t let another day go by without letting those you care about know how much you care. Life is too short and the world can be full of amazing experiences when you are open, kind and sharing with your thoughts and emotions. That bond we have with other people gives us strength and adds more to us than we already are in some way. It can be a beautiful thing.
Be peaceful today, be thoughtful today and if you’ve got something to say to someone today…say it with kindness, say it with caring and mean it with the full depth of love within you.
It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that something is on my mind. There are things I want to say and someone I want to say the words to. I would have thought my hesitation was based on fear but I suddenly realize that there is no fear, there is no reason and nothing I have to say brings me any concern at all what-so-ever. I realize how short time can be sometimes. There is never enough and the only thing I regret is not taking the time to say what’s on my mind. I will remedy this very soon because a part of me just won’t rest until I set these words free in one particular direction. So it is sometimes, that words we wish to say linger, trapped inside of our minds and obstacles may exist and keep us from setting our thoughts free. I intend to remove those barriers because nothing is more important sometimes than letting someone you know in on what you’re thinking and feeling.
The tough part is a need to sit with these thoughts a few days. It won’t be easy…a phone call could set the words free, an email or text could do the same…but not these words. These words must be spoken face to face. These words must be expressed in person, preferably in close proximity to ensure the full depth is comprehended. There is nothing that seems more important just now. The urgency rises more and more each day and there is no way I can keep this inside. I’ve no desire to any longer, there are no conditions, there is no reason now except for miles and hours. Soon those will disappear and I can make my thoughts known and have no fear, no conditions to hold me back.
My thought for the day is to consider the things that you want to say to people in your sphere. Are there meaningful words you want to say, thoughts you really want to express? What keeps you from setting them free? Is it fear? There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Consider the reasons, walk through them and don’t let another day go by without letting those you care about know how much you care. Life is too short and the world can be full of amazing experiences when you are open, kind and sharing with your thoughts and emotions. That bond we have with other people gives us strength and adds more to us than we already are in some way. It can be a beautiful thing.
Be peaceful today, be thoughtful today and if you’ve got something to say to someone today…say it with kindness, say it with caring and mean it with the full depth of love within you.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Thoughts Attract Thoughts
Because we have a mind, it's always working; always thinking. Did you know that what you think is what you attract? You're familiar with the phrase "like attracts like" right? It's the same concept with thoughts. Think back and remember a moment when you were really happy. When you were happy you were thinking positive thoughts. Those positive thoughts draw in more positive thoughts and you tell the universe in such moments, I want the positive or I want happiness. Now think about a moment when you were really down. When you were down, you were thinking negative and fearful thoughts. Those negative thoughts draw in more negative thoughts and you tell the universe in such moments, I want negative thoughts or I want sadness. The same is true with other emotions…what ever thoughts you line up with an emotion, that's what you draw to you. So, be careful what thoughts you allow to take hold.
Lets talk about a negative example for a moment. Have you ever forgotten to set your alarm and the next day you woke up late. Your first thoughts are typically rather negative and then you ended up rushing as a result of being late. There is no time, you're rushing, thinking negative thoughts about the darned alarm clock or angry with yourself because you forgot to set it or you just stayed up too late. You can't find the right thing to wear, everything else you want to put on suddenly seems to need to be ironed, no time for coffee, no time for anything, speeding to work, rushing in the door…the whole day can be thrown off if you keep a negative outlook. Like attracts like.
Lets talk about a positive example for a moment. You wake up fully rested after a great night of sleep. Your morning goes well, the traffic is there but you turn your favorite song on the radio instead. You notice the beauty of the sunrise on your way to work, that guy in the truck slowed down so you could merge onto the freeway, at the next on-ramp, you slow down to let someone else on the freeway. At work, there is a lot of stuff that has to get done quickly but in a positive frame, you can think better, quicker and plan to accomplish what needs to be done.
There are hundreds of examples. I have a family member who has always held a negative thought process about life. This family member sees the world through a purely victim mentality, short-changed on every front and the universe responds to that every day with more negativity…why? To give this family member an opportunity to grow beyond the negativity and try to consider other options, thoughts and actions that might help this family member live a better life. But, this family member continually rejects any form of positive thought and time and time again, creates self-fullfilling prophecy in the negative. It's so very hard to watch.
Bad things can happen to us but the next steps are always important. What do you do with the "bad" thing that happens? Do you shut down all chance for positive thought thereafter or do you try to look for the silver lining? Sometimes something bad is actually something good you might not ever have had the chance to learn. If you learned something, how can that be all bad? Sure it could be painful but to settle into a state of a continual pity party can make that bad event a lifetime of negativity. It's truly up to you. One of the most powerful things we possess in life is the ability to change our perspective and choose to look on the bright side.
I've seen some pretty bad things, have experienced some intensely traumatic things in my life but the one thing I cannot do for long is dwell in a state of negativity. I can't do it because I definitively know that thinking negative can make a bad situation horribly worse. If I shift my perspective and try to find the wisdom in a situation or a lesson, life gets much easier to deal with. I've been a single mother for most of my adult life. I can't tell you how many times the bank account was drained and there was food to buy, milk to buy, someone who needed new shoes, new clothes or school books. I never worried for too long because I always believed that some how or someway, we would be okay. In such moments I would get sudden ideas to re-balance my checkbook…and believe it or not, I'd find huge errors in my favor..$300 one time and $500 another. It could be coincidence but were I in a completely negative state, I wouldn't have checked the check book, would have held onto the negativity and probably would have received a bill from the IRS or something. The point is, looking for silver linings, focusing on the bright side and just having a strong belief in yourself and your future can make bad things seem not so bad.
My thoughts for today are along the lines of keeping the negative thoughts in check. When you notice negative thoughts about yourself, about other people or situations, flip the thoughts around and restate them in your mind in the positive. Send every negative thought away by flipping it around to the positive…if you trust this will make a difference in your life, it will. In the mean time, when life gets a little tough, get back in touch with the positive…get outside and notice the flowers, the way the leaves seem etched in gorgeous sunlight, how green the grass looks, how beautiful a cerulean sky is, how peaceful it is to watch birds in flight or how uplifting it can be to watch small children at play. Get back to basics…take a walk…do something healthy…take a drive…do something positive to put yourself in a good and positive frame. It makes all the difference in the world and really helps take the sting out of the rough things in life that can throw us off balance and leave us feeling dark. Don't stay in the negative..don't deny negative thoughts and feelings. They do exist…you just want to flip the thoughts to neutral or positive so that you can attract the positive. I hope you have a positive and happy day.
Lets talk about a negative example for a moment. Have you ever forgotten to set your alarm and the next day you woke up late. Your first thoughts are typically rather negative and then you ended up rushing as a result of being late. There is no time, you're rushing, thinking negative thoughts about the darned alarm clock or angry with yourself because you forgot to set it or you just stayed up too late. You can't find the right thing to wear, everything else you want to put on suddenly seems to need to be ironed, no time for coffee, no time for anything, speeding to work, rushing in the door…the whole day can be thrown off if you keep a negative outlook. Like attracts like.
Lets talk about a positive example for a moment. You wake up fully rested after a great night of sleep. Your morning goes well, the traffic is there but you turn your favorite song on the radio instead. You notice the beauty of the sunrise on your way to work, that guy in the truck slowed down so you could merge onto the freeway, at the next on-ramp, you slow down to let someone else on the freeway. At work, there is a lot of stuff that has to get done quickly but in a positive frame, you can think better, quicker and plan to accomplish what needs to be done.
There are hundreds of examples. I have a family member who has always held a negative thought process about life. This family member sees the world through a purely victim mentality, short-changed on every front and the universe responds to that every day with more negativity…why? To give this family member an opportunity to grow beyond the negativity and try to consider other options, thoughts and actions that might help this family member live a better life. But, this family member continually rejects any form of positive thought and time and time again, creates self-fullfilling prophecy in the negative. It's so very hard to watch.
Bad things can happen to us but the next steps are always important. What do you do with the "bad" thing that happens? Do you shut down all chance for positive thought thereafter or do you try to look for the silver lining? Sometimes something bad is actually something good you might not ever have had the chance to learn. If you learned something, how can that be all bad? Sure it could be painful but to settle into a state of a continual pity party can make that bad event a lifetime of negativity. It's truly up to you. One of the most powerful things we possess in life is the ability to change our perspective and choose to look on the bright side.
I've seen some pretty bad things, have experienced some intensely traumatic things in my life but the one thing I cannot do for long is dwell in a state of negativity. I can't do it because I definitively know that thinking negative can make a bad situation horribly worse. If I shift my perspective and try to find the wisdom in a situation or a lesson, life gets much easier to deal with. I've been a single mother for most of my adult life. I can't tell you how many times the bank account was drained and there was food to buy, milk to buy, someone who needed new shoes, new clothes or school books. I never worried for too long because I always believed that some how or someway, we would be okay. In such moments I would get sudden ideas to re-balance my checkbook…and believe it or not, I'd find huge errors in my favor..$300 one time and $500 another. It could be coincidence but were I in a completely negative state, I wouldn't have checked the check book, would have held onto the negativity and probably would have received a bill from the IRS or something. The point is, looking for silver linings, focusing on the bright side and just having a strong belief in yourself and your future can make bad things seem not so bad.
My thoughts for today are along the lines of keeping the negative thoughts in check. When you notice negative thoughts about yourself, about other people or situations, flip the thoughts around and restate them in your mind in the positive. Send every negative thought away by flipping it around to the positive…if you trust this will make a difference in your life, it will. In the mean time, when life gets a little tough, get back in touch with the positive…get outside and notice the flowers, the way the leaves seem etched in gorgeous sunlight, how green the grass looks, how beautiful a cerulean sky is, how peaceful it is to watch birds in flight or how uplifting it can be to watch small children at play. Get back to basics…take a walk…do something healthy…take a drive…do something positive to put yourself in a good and positive frame. It makes all the difference in the world and really helps take the sting out of the rough things in life that can throw us off balance and leave us feeling dark. Don't stay in the negative..don't deny negative thoughts and feelings. They do exist…you just want to flip the thoughts to neutral or positive so that you can attract the positive. I hope you have a positive and happy day.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Reciprocal Narcissism
Have you ever heard of the term? I use it to describe those relationships that are based only on a mutual ego feed. Sometimes such arrangements get mistaken for love but when one stops feeding the other’s ego, you suddenly are no longer in love. In such cases I wonder if the issue is there was no real love to begin with. You loved having your ego fed and when it stopped you suddenly became interested in finding an ego feed elsewhere?
I’ve thought about this one a lot and have had a few of these relationships in the past. I’ve run into a few folks that were merely addicted to love but I wonder…is it really a love addiction or is it really that someone doesn’t know how to love and they’re just narcissistic and in desperate need of a continual ego feed…and because they don’t know what real love is, they mistake the ego feed and the gratitude that sometimes follows as feelings of love.
I’ve seen a number of relationships where love was so conditioned…I love her as long as she does this…I love him until he does that…I think that conditional love is really narcissism at work. But what the hell do I know? Nada! I just think a lot and write about what I think because it’s something I enjoy. But this topic seems to be huge…it could be a novel in fact and I may include it in another book I’m writing. I’ve got four going all at once and only 2 are close to completion…I diverge…let me get back. I think the rate of relationship failure is that we’re all looking for the kind of love that only comes from inside and until we can honestly feel that love from inside, there is no possible way any feelings of love are real for anyone outside. There are a few gradations of love that we can honestly feel for people. We love our co-workers and care about what happens to them. We love our friends. We love our family. We love our spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. But how do we love them? Is it without condition? Is it the kind of love that doesn’t seek to manipulate and control? Is it the kind of love given with no expectation of reciprocation?
In relationships all around me, that are termed “loving relationships,” frankly, all I see is conditional love, narcissism at work and ultimatums and demands that are conveyed in the guise of love. I don’t think I knew what love was until March 14, 1990 at 11:37 p.m. precisely. At that moment, my first child was born and in that instant, I knew I would move Heaven and Earth, die, maim, whatever I had to do for that child and my mind didn’t change weeks after when colic struck and I didn’t sleep, I changed diapers and had to change my clothing 4 times a day after being barfed on. It didn’t change years later when I got calls from the school saying she cut class again. It didn’t change when she didn’t clean up the living room after I asked her to. There was one person that I knew I loved unconditionally. Just when I thought I knew all about love, I was blessed a few more times…11/3/95 at 8:26 am., 7/26/1999 at 1:26 am and then again on 1/24/2003 at 11:57 pm. Suddenly I really knew what unconditional love was…in all this time I’ve been taken advantage of, made into a maid, shrink, judge, jury, bank, Barbie buddy, fixer of toys and even emotional punching bag and more and it didn’t matter because I loved these kids without condition.
I have friends that I love no matter what they say or do and nothing changes…even when they scream at me, are disappointed in me, feeling neglected by me, are acting short and grumpy…the love does not change…it exists and I’d still go to the ends of the Earth and back for them. That’s what real love is. Love isn’t about an ego feed, someone to make you feel less lonely, someone to rescue you when you get into trouble, a shoulder when you need to cry or someone to tell you you’re amazing when you’ve had a really bad day. Love is greater than all of that and its absolutely endless…the more you give it the more you are filled with it. It’s an incredible feeling.
So, in terms of relationships we run into stages…initial attraction, infatuation (which is mostly ego feed make no mistake) and then hopefully as time goes by and you start to glimpse the soul of the object of your affection, the seeds of love take hold and bloom unaffected by anything that happens. Love means you let people be exactly who they are without trying to change them, manipulate them or control them. Love appreciates differences and love sees through conflict. Love doesn’t mean you surrender boundaries. Love means you stay balanced and keep your boundaries because you love yourself and at the same time you love your partner and will wait for them to figure it out. Sometimes when our partners figures it out…it takes them in a different direction or away from you. If you love them enough you can let them go with love. In this case love certainly does not then dictate a bitter end in which you must inflict the pain you feel in your loved one’s absence. If it’s really love and not an addiction or a narcissistic relationship, you’ll love someone enough to let them go and be who they are, you’ll love them enough to forgive them for any pain they caused you and you’ll know you really don’t lose anything in taking such an approach. Love never dies when you find it. It doesn’t make a relationship last forever but the love never dies.
I don’t want to get into what it feels like to lose love like that because we all know its dreadful, awful and painful until you learn to hold the right perspective. But if you love yourself enough, you can heal yourself and strike out and try to find unconditional love again and gain a great measure of understanding in the process.
I’ve been dealing with a number of different scenarios of late trying to help some folks see the light of love in their lives and it’s just that some things about love strike me as so subtle and simple that we miss it. I’m no expert in love and in fact have had a good share in tanking a number of relationships because what I thought was love wasn’t love at all. I don’t regret those relationships. In fact, I’m infinitely grateful for them because they taught me something important. They taught me about love but just in a different way I suppose.
My thoughts for today are along the lines of looking at the love that is in your life. If you aren’t seeing any…why not? You can’t find love when you’re filled with doubt, self-loathing and fear of being alone. You can only find love when you’re filled with it from the inside. And, when you’re filled with it on the inside, you attract it in many forms right to you and the love flows in some amazing ways if you’re paying attention. When you feel like you don’t have enough love in your life, go look in the mirror and ask why you’re not loving yourself enough right now. Maybe the love you give is conditional so the love you receive is likewise conditional. Like I said, I don’t have all the answers and struggle quite a bit with love myself…different aspects…like trust but the love part I think I finally get and contrasting the love I know is unconditional to other kinds of love in my life, tells me where I’m falling short or needing work. Just some food for thought. So, go in love!!!!! Be in love with life!!! Love your friends! (If you picked friends that are hurtful…love yourself enough to let hurtful people go and attract to you kinder ones). Love, I sometimes think, is what the entire world is all about…figuring out how it translates into all the facets of our existence. I better stop here or this will be a novel. If ya read this far, bless you! Have a great day.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Random Acts of Kindness
I stepped outside this morning before the sun came up. Once I got passed the chill of the morning, the first thing I noticed was that not only was there no fog, the early morning sky held very few clouds. I could see the stars twinkling faintly. What a peaceful and welcome sight that was! It’s the last day of my long weekend. Tomorrow I’ll be back to my normal routine…no more casual drives to Starbuck’s on my way to the beach…no more hour long writing sessions and picture taking before breakfast…it’ll be back to the mundane sensation of working in Corporate America. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job and love the people I work with but the whole concept of rearranging the whole of my life to show up early every day and make just enough to cover the rent, the car payment and daycare is frustrating.
I’ve always been a rebellious conformist. I do what is necessary to conform to societies graces, normal life, but my heart isn’t in it. I love the pay check, don’t get me wrong but its not as fulfilling as some of the other things I’d rather be doing. I guess maybe one aspect of my passion is being worked in that I’ve got a large customer base that I work tirelessly to make happy. Another aspect of my passion is alive every day in that each day I show up, I learn something I didn’t know the day before. I’ve also got a job at the present that allows me a little time during the day to stay up on world events, keep up with the happenings in my co-worker’s lives and to be there with a shoulder or an ear when they run into something a little too challenging. I’ve always had a steady line of people showing up in my office for coffee talk first thing in the morning and that’s also a part of my job I enjoy.
I guess I just really love people. They amaze me and frustrate me interchangeably sometimes but for the most part, I could not learn as much as I do without different people showing up at my door with an interesting issue or challenge they need help with. Life can be like a giant puzzle sometimes. There are so many things to do, to see, to experience and to feel. There are so many lessons, so many opportunities to learn something new and different facets of love to learn about. I guess I’ve had so many “guides” show up on my path at just the right time and with just the right words to help me get my thinking back on track that I really enjoy paying that forward. In fact, I often look for opportunities to pay forward a kindness, words or even a simple smile.
Life can be really amazing even when things don’t seem to be going right. If you stop long enough to try to see things objectively, you’d be amazed at the simple lessons that can be learned and how clear things can get when you’ve not trapped yourself in crazy-making emotions. As human beings we’re often ruled by emotions and such emotions can actually cloud your thinking. But, if you take a moment and sit with emotion for a time and let the waves recede a little bit and maybe quiet you mind, your doubts and fears, the answers seem to come to the surface pretty quickly and if they don’t the right people will show up to help point you in the right direction.
My thoughts for today are along the lines of random acts of kindness, looking for silver linings and finding hope even when a situation seems hopeless. Be a friend to someone today. Make eye-contact with and smile at a stranger today for no other reason than you can. Let the people around you know how much they mean to you directly or indirectly. You might be amazed at how such things can bring a smile to you that seems to come from your very soul. Have a beautiful day!
I’ve always been a rebellious conformist. I do what is necessary to conform to societies graces, normal life, but my heart isn’t in it. I love the pay check, don’t get me wrong but its not as fulfilling as some of the other things I’d rather be doing. I guess maybe one aspect of my passion is being worked in that I’ve got a large customer base that I work tirelessly to make happy. Another aspect of my passion is alive every day in that each day I show up, I learn something I didn’t know the day before. I’ve also got a job at the present that allows me a little time during the day to stay up on world events, keep up with the happenings in my co-worker’s lives and to be there with a shoulder or an ear when they run into something a little too challenging. I’ve always had a steady line of people showing up in my office for coffee talk first thing in the morning and that’s also a part of my job I enjoy.
I guess I just really love people. They amaze me and frustrate me interchangeably sometimes but for the most part, I could not learn as much as I do without different people showing up at my door with an interesting issue or challenge they need help with. Life can be like a giant puzzle sometimes. There are so many things to do, to see, to experience and to feel. There are so many lessons, so many opportunities to learn something new and different facets of love to learn about. I guess I’ve had so many “guides” show up on my path at just the right time and with just the right words to help me get my thinking back on track that I really enjoy paying that forward. In fact, I often look for opportunities to pay forward a kindness, words or even a simple smile.
Life can be really amazing even when things don’t seem to be going right. If you stop long enough to try to see things objectively, you’d be amazed at the simple lessons that can be learned and how clear things can get when you’ve not trapped yourself in crazy-making emotions. As human beings we’re often ruled by emotions and such emotions can actually cloud your thinking. But, if you take a moment and sit with emotion for a time and let the waves recede a little bit and maybe quiet you mind, your doubts and fears, the answers seem to come to the surface pretty quickly and if they don’t the right people will show up to help point you in the right direction.
My thoughts for today are along the lines of random acts of kindness, looking for silver linings and finding hope even when a situation seems hopeless. Be a friend to someone today. Make eye-contact with and smile at a stranger today for no other reason than you can. Let the people around you know how much they mean to you directly or indirectly. You might be amazed at how such things can bring a smile to you that seems to come from your very soul. Have a beautiful day!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Shades of Gray
Its about 58 here at the beach today and there is a very thick and dark marine layer with fog that is just now slowly receding. I don't like days today, weather-wise. It saps my spirits seemingly at the core level of my soul. I usually don't give into it too much because I know what it is but its just not fun. I tend to want to just sleep all day...just hibernate until the sun comes back out. The beach is so stark, lonely and kind of sad when all you can see is gray...no dancing diamonds on liquid silver tides...no rays of light flashing off the tips of the wings of gulls...no toothy grins and joyful screaming of little children making sand castles...no lovers walking arm in arm to the cadence of the waves crashing onto the shore. All you can see are the hard-core endorphin junkies out for a jog, a bike ride or walk. I do like the quietness of such days at the beach but when I’m walking it feels like I’ll never remember what warmth is again.
We’re only going into the second week of winter and already I miss all of the other seasons. On dreary days like today I imagine spring flowers, the smell of freshly cut grass baking in the sun, the scent of jasmine, cerulean skies with cottony white clouds floating gently by. I think of bright electric sunrises and slowly slipping warmly colored sunsets. I like to try to catch the “green flash” as the sun sets with my camera at the ready. No such luck yet but I won’t give up until I get it. Winter is a time of rest and regeneration, gathering around the home fires in thought and feeling I suppose. I can appreciate that with everyone always so on the go. A break from the business of the rest of life is a good thing I realize but I’m like the little kid always. You know the one…the one so busy playing they can’t even imagine coming inside for food or drink or anything. Life slips away from us a little every day and I sometimes feel like I don’t want to miss a thing. I know that’s silly. But maybe it’s just an inherent anxiousness in my nature that can only come up with bits of peace occasionally as I’m shifting between one activity and the next.
My coffee cup is hot in my hand…one sip and I can feel the warmth travel to my core. I smile at how it makes me feel. It is something so simple on a day like today that makes me feel happy inside along with some other pleasant thoughts. I think I’ll leave my little spot near the shore and take a little drive. My car is warm, the music in my CD player, meaningful. I’ll sing to the music and let it fill me up…I’ll feel my car gliding across Pacific Coast Highway and try my best to find something to break up the monotony of gray. That’ll make me feel a little better. I’m off to an inwardly frenetic and outwardly peaceful day today and I’m glad…it’s a new year and I’m at least happy, grateful and eager to find enjoyment somewhere under gray skies. Peace!
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