Pointless Meandering Thoughts

It’s a crystal clear fall morning. The temperature is still at dew-point so everything is covered in tiny drops of water glistening in the first rays of morning sunlight. I so love the cool fall mornings in California. The cerulean blue sky is deepening in color and the trees are still etched in golden light. The birds are completing their daily migration from the trees in-land to the seashore and the city is beginning to stir. I can just imagine the line at Starbuck’s and McDonald’s as people get moving this morning. It’d be a great morning at our local beach here in Huntington. The tourists are gone and the only one’s milling about at this time of the morning are the local surfers and residents out for a beautiful morning walk to start the day on an uplifting note.

My consciousness stretches out far like the rays of the sun this morning. I can almost feel the conscious thoughts dawning as people rise and go about their business. Some are hopeful and contemplative like me while others are mourning, frustrated and sad. I’ve talked before about choices and I’ve had many a sunshiny morning where it felt like a cloud stayed permanently over my head. But that’s not me today. Today, it’s hard to imagine people not smiling and happy to exist in such a beautiful world. The dichotomy seeming often a chasm because this world too holds terrors and horrors unspeakable. Sometimes I shake my head because I don’t understand. There is much in this world I don’t understand and sadly, much that I do.

I’ve seen many things I wished I hadn’t seen, I’ve felt things I wished I’d never felt, and I’ve sure said things I wished I had never said. But, living in regret means you’ve got a backwards focus as you move into a moment and that’s not wise. You can’t see where you are if you’re looking backwards. Conversely, you can’t see where you are if your focus is too far forward. That’s a bigger problem for me…this insecure feeling of not knowing what’s in store, things I’d love to know the outcome of or control the outcome of. Silly thoughts exist bundled right there and I know so much better than that. I can’t help it though when my heart is engaged in something. Things that matter. It’s funny, we have this newsletter at work called “Everything Matters.” If you think about what those two words mean and spread that out across your life, you’d be amazed. Everything we do matters in some way shape or form. In everything we do we leave some kind of footprint. Whether that’s good or bad remains to be seen as time goes by but it’s a good thing to think of.

The word "matter" has been on my mind a lot lately. I left a job that mattered because I felt like I didn’t matter and what I did wasn’t worth anything. I left it for a year. I came back under different circumstances with the same group I was working with before in another part of the company and learned this week that I did matter and do matter and that made me feel amazing. It’s good to know you matter. I think about the word "matter" in terms of a particular area of interest in my life I find increasingly important…in the area of special friendships. I have a good number of friends that would say I matter and I would say they matter, and a great deal at that. I wouldn’t want to know life without them here with me. And there’s more. There is someone else that matters to me but I’m never really sure how much I matter with this one. I risk much there at times it seems. I pretend to be an open book but I never really am. On some things, sure. Where I think it might help someone else, I’m fairly open but when it comes to me needing something I find I’m still not very open at all. That’s an interesting discovery right now and I’m not sure what, if anything, I’ll do about that. Maybe in certain situations we’re open only to the extent it feels safe for us to be open. I’m apparently not there yet in one area but that is to be expected I suppose. I’ve been married and divorced three times after all. You can’t put your hand in the fire, have it feel too hot and be totally open about jumping right back into the fire again. I never realized my own reticence until this very moment. So, I’ve been looking outward wondering about the slow progression of something instead of focusing inward wondering about my own slow progression. I think a certain dream or fantasy does trip me up yet again.

I’m talking about a dream I’ve always held of sharing life with another, the right other. It’s not been easy to find and rather than blame God, the universe or anyone else around me, I had no choice but to look within. I attract to me what I am. We all attract to us who we are. Every person we have in our sphere is some reflection of something inside us. So, if I perceive I’m in the presence of someone emotionally unavailable to me, who have I got to blame? Me. I’m emotionally unavailable in some area and have been presented with a unique opportunity to understand exactly where and I think I’ve discovered it. It’s an age old challenge for me but acute awareness while shocking, is also a relief. You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken and you don’t know what is broken until you look at the people you have around you. They are like clear pools or mirrors reflecting back your own soul.

Hmmm, I have much to consider yet again and will spend some time in reflection for a bit to see what I might be able to do, to determine what I’m ready to do and learn more about what I might be ready to let go of…namely fear or pain. We all have it in bits and pieces in hidden pockets in the deep dark recesses of our emotional minds. It lies there in wait for the right opportunity to come to light…say like being reflected back in the eyes from the soul of someone you care about?!

I need to let go of such thoughts for now…pull my consciousness back and consider my day. I’m going to spend some time with a good friend. I’m craving an oceanic view, good company, conversation and sunlight and am infinitely grateful I have this particular friend to share my day with. It’s been a rough week. Not a bad week but I’ve gone from little people interaction for 12 months and greatly reduced activity to being greeted warmly by former co-workers, busyiness I’ve not been accustomed to in a while and that seems to be sending some anxiety floating around in my conscious thoughts in between all my goals and plans. It’s nebulous but persistent and I know what generates it…fear. It’s okay. Some fear is good. It prompts us to do things we might not normally do and in some situations that can be a good thing…for me, it throws me into logical thought to map out an appropriate solution to quell it.

I’m going to stop here for now but my thought for the day is awareness…from the micro to the macro. Be aware of where you are in the world, where you fit with your friends, your purpose in life even. Be aware of your successes and especially your seeming failures…take each one out and look at it as a valuable life lesson learned instead of something you should beat yourself up for. If you find straggling thoughts that don’t fit or nebulous anxiety, frustration or fear…ask yourself to reveal the true source and sit quietly awaiting the answer that will come. Be willing to become aware and consider what you might do to heal pain behind those fears, develop hope instead of narrow-minded thinking, expand your consciousness across the globe and realize what you have to be grateful for. Those are lots of thoughts for today actually but as you can see from my post above, that is simply my mind-set…shuffling through thought after thought, meandering theme after meandering theme not with the idea of overwhelming myself but pleasantly strolling through all of the things that represent me to see where I might make myself better, happier or more serene. Sometimes you have to walk in the dark for a while until you find the light. Looking inside can be like that. Peace and love to you all today.

Right Here and Right Now

I don’t understand
This compelling and yet nebulous desire
I wish I could, I think of it often

You appeared before me
A fork in the road
I wondered if I should diverge from my path

I contemplated
Most hesitantly
And followed some internal urging

I did not realize
What I had found
I did not realize the universe had brought me a friend

It was something I wanted
Definitely something I needed
But this path although seemingly similar, is not familiar at all

I wonder at such thoughts
I wish I could know the unknowable
What the universe has in store; what lessons must be learned here

I think that I think too much
Maybe that’s the point
Maybe that’s where I stop…right here and right now and not think

Notice instead
The experience delightful
The time delicious and feelings enchanting

But the fear does dwell
When taking paths unknown
When traveling where one has not traveled in some manner before

I’ve done quite enough thinking
And shall move ever forward
For good or ill and I will learn as I should

And if nothing else
I will have something I didn’t have before
A special friend, new and different, who means a lot to me

Morning Contemplations Again

Again, this morning, I stepped outside in the still and cool of the morning to gather my thoughts for the day ahead. It’s been a rough week in terms of being very busy, standing in awe of the moonlight, contemplating my life and its accomplishments, my shortcomings and out-and-out failures. Why at the beginning of the day my mind is flooded with these things, I’ll never know. I just have gotten used to the way my mind works and use this time each morning as an opportunity to seek the crystal clarity I’ve missed, look for the things I’m grateful to have and have seen and consider the days and weeks ahead. I’m peaceful this morning. I have been for days but my mind is stirring with the excitement of my new job and I’m troubled trying to sleep at night. It’s not a bad thing. I think I liken it to the feeling of a child reading herself mentally the night before the first day of school at the end of summer. You know, that nervous excitement of return, re-greeting friends of old and making new ones.

I’ve got some good plans for the weekend. Tonight its all about simple self-care. I get to have a girly night on my own to color my hair, paint my nails and lounge around in my favorite PJs. I plan to come home, relax with a glass of wine and enjoy a peaceful evening. I’ll catch up on my email, my researching new stocks, catching up on the political happenings of this week that I’ve missed and work on my 5 year plan in more detail. I’ve realized that when you complete milestones, it’s important to set new goals and map out the steps you will take to realize your accomplishments along the way. You also have to make sure that you plan to just take care of yourself from time to time. I’m frequently the last on my list. The kids come first, the cat, my friends, my work, the car and then if there is time me. However, I do put myself first with my weekly tennis lesson. Our instructor just extended our class for another 8 weeks. Yeah!!!! I’m excited about that.

I’m excited about endings and beginnings. I’m grateful for both painful and joyful lessons. I’m thoughtful and hopeful about my present and future. I’ve got a deep faith in myself and my abilities to make my life meaningful, worth living and successful. I’m so grateful for that alone. That one thing will help ensure my success in every area of life. You have to believe in yourself and remove all the barriers that exist to achieving that feeling. If you don’t, life becomes bleak, miserable and depressing. We have to set for ourselves reasonable expectations and sometimes those expectations must be low and brought to the point of just getting through the day. Such days shouldn’t be disheartening. They should be viewed as quiet moments…those moments where you shut everything else off and focus on the basics of existence. A few examples to illustrate what I mean here are, getting out of bed, showering, making yourself presentable, taking care of responsibilities and obligations, finding time to relax, journaling about those things that you appreciate in life, stopping to smell the roses, eating good and healthy food, finding a few minutes for some form of exercise, talking to family and friends. There are challenging days and beautiful days and they should be strung together with hope, faith and love.

My thoughts are interesting to me this morning. They spin around in circles, roaming outward and spinning back, swirling up and down and through memories and dreams. It’s good I think because I feel like I’m in a good place, ready to face the day, spend some time on me as well as with a very good friend of mine. Then it’ll be all about chores and starting my second week of my new job. Life is good no matter how hard it seems.

The thought for the day is to find a measure of hope to hold onto, find something within you that you can believe in and set a course in your life that will allow you to enjoy the beautiful adventure it was intended to be. Peace!

70's Day Thoughts

I stepped outside this morning and noticed moon light shadows spilling all around. I stood there in the moon light and breathed in the cool morning air. It was so quiet I could hear the waves crashing onto the sand. There were no cars I could hear, no people, animals and no birds out yet. I stayed there for moment collecting my thoughts, enjoying the silence. The peace I felt from last night was still with me and strong. Recollection slowly dawned upon my newly conscious mind. There is clearly pain in my left eye; a little tennis mishap from last night. My little furry friends got even with me for all those weeks of smashing them across the court and one hit me squarely in the eye. Luckily, my vision has returned but I’ve got a bit of a shiner.

I will survive and in a few days it will all be just another not so fun memory I add to the long string of memories in my head. I wonder at that thought. There are some memories I feel are kept in my heart. Particularly those of my children saying “Mommy, I love you so much,” The memory of friend’s words when I may have been down on my luck and the pure selfless kindness of amazing co-workers I’ve had the pleasure of working with. Then there are other memories that seem to collect in my soul such as those of my father’s philosophical discussions, my grandmother playing little red riding hood with me and the moment I realized there was a lot of pain in this world.

I’m excited about the day today. We’re celebrating an award at work with all the folks that made it happen. We’ve had a week of activities to thank the team like breakfast Monday, contests on Tuesday, and lunch on Wednesday. Today is 70’s day. We’re supposed to dress up like the 70’s. I laughed when I read those words because I’m sort of a hippie chick in my casual attire…I always loved the late 60’s and early 70’s look of hip hugger flair legged jeans, long bell sleeves or tie die shirts and platform shoes. That’s my typical casual Friday attire. So, today, I thought I’d add a little too it just for fun. I’ll break out the powder blue eye shadow and the hair straightener to complete the look. It’ll be fun.

As much as I love the fashion of the 70's and know every word to the music of the folk songs, I find the music and memories are hard to deal with. Those memories seem to dwell in both my heart and soul. I truly feel a sense of sadness recalling my childhood in the 70’s because I remember the turmoil within my family. In 1970, my parents divorced but they could not afford to live apart and remained in the same house for 3 years. That was rough. They tried to make it work but both were alcoholics so there was no way it could work. I remember the fighting, the emotional distress that made my little brother and I seem like we were more irritation than treasured members of the family. I’m sure that’s not how my parents felt but that’s how their actions made us feel. We both carry the scars today. We turned out to be good people deep down inside but completely opposite which is interesting. I went super type "A" and my brother went type "C" or "D." He’s a good guy with a big heart but has a hard time planning ahead or considering consequences. He digs himself out but has severely handicapped himself in life. It doesn’t really matter; I love him and always will.

It’s funny how certain times can impact your memories. Although the 70’s were a little rough, there were good times too. I remember camping, family get-to-gethers, playing at the park, taking trips and just getting by. It was the 80’s where I had my “coming of age” so-to-speak, realizing I was independent of my parents and could really do what I wanted to do and be who I was no matter who tried to stop me. I loved that music and still do today. It doesn’t hold the painful memories of the decade before although it should for other reasons. After that, it seems all the decades are rolling together while i gained more wisdom and serenity. I’m skipping rather quickly now but that’s really only because I’ve got to try to put make up on to cover my shiner and I really don’t want to look. I can feel that my eye is swollen but it’s not that bad. I took a peek from a distance just before I got in the shower this morning and it wasn’t that bad. Today is going to be a good day and I think I’ll pop one of my 70’s CDs in the CD player and try to soothe away some of the pain of it realizing it’s already been dealt with and I can hear the music that I really like without becoming melancholy with memories.

I think my theme for today is similar to most others, look back at where you’ve been, see where you are and be peaceful, tomorrow you can take you anywhere you want to go and you’ll get there in good time. Appreciate a fresh breath of air today. Appreciate your accomplishments and in at least one act today, put yourself first in an effort to make sure you matter to you. If you don’t take care of yourself no one else can do it for you, at least not meaningfully. Be good to yourself. When you’re kind to yourself it’s easier to be kind to others. May you have a beautiful day.

Mountain Climbing

I started a particular journey six months ago, almost to the day. When I started out, it seemed like I was at the bottom of Mt. Everest with a fierce blizzard blowing through me and spilling my emotions out in every direction. I didn’t even want to begin the climb because unfortunately, this climb was familiar. However, I knew the journey must begin and as the Tao Te Ching says, even a ten thousand mile journey begins with a single step. So, step I did. I placed one foot in front of the other not looking at the top of the mountain but focusing instead on the journey. I’ve navigated smooth plateaus and gaping chasms I feared would swallow me whole but I didn’t stop and I didn’t give up. I just kept going.

This particular climb was nearly 3-fold with 3 major life stressors happening nearly all at once. I felt battered and bruised along the way, tired, angry, shredded emotionally but I just kept going. I knew somehow I would make it, that I would undo wrongs done and find forgiveness somewhere along the way not only for the other folks involved but also for myself. I think I’ve finally achieved that state of forgiveness I sought because at this point of the journey, so near the very top, I am mostly at peace. The peaks and valleys along the way are leveling out and it’s just a few more hand holds to get to the top along with time. These last few steps find me a bit reflective. I’ve learned a lot. Mostly I’ve learned that I need to think a whole hell of a lot more before I make decisions and make sure when I make those decisions that I am in a state of peace and serenity.

The main focus of my current “climb” is the receipt of my final divorce decree from marriage number 3. It was one I probably should never have engaged in. My heart was in the right place but my judgment was clouded. The man was a good one but not good for me in the way I needed him to be. I hope he’s well moved on by now finding healing and happiness somewhere else and that I will soon be a long forgotten memory; a life lesson along the way. I’m hoping that I maintain my own happiness, continue to find peace and serenity too. As I said, it’s been a long journey, a hard journey but one I made it through nearly to the end. I expect that next week some time or the following I should have my decree and I’ll crack that bottle of champagne I’ve been saving to celebrate my liberation from my own limitations.

I see the world so much differently today than I did six months ago. It’s not the bleak world I thought it was and along the way I seemed to have truly learned the value of friendship and how much the love of friends means to me. Were it not for my beautiful friends I would not be here sane as I am today. I would not be here peacefully writing at my computer and contemplating a hard-won victory over myself. I’m grateful, eternally so. I’ve reclaimed ground on the work front for me too after a year long break. That’s a significant accomplishment I’m also very grateful for. The remaining front still holds some battles for me but with an addicted loved one, those battles don’t end until they give up their poison or succumb to it completely and finally. That one will take some time and I’m prepared to finish that journey where ever it might lead me.

Tonight I’m at peace, watching the presidential debates and getting ready to go play tennis. I’ve got lessons tonight and for the next two weeks. Then I’ll likely go into a bit of hibernation until January but I plan to write a lot. I’ve got a lot of wonderful things happening in my life that I treasure. New friends, reconnected friends, the tried and true ones and the love of my family. My heart is still open after all I’ve been through and that makes me smile as that was no small feat!

I’m going to sign off now on a good note. I want to remind you as you climb your own proverbial mountains that it’s not the view from the top that’s important, it’s the journey and how you navigate it along with the love you give and receive along the way that matters. The reality is, as soon as you get to the top of that mountain, you’ll enjoy the view for a moment only to learn there are other mountains you must climb and if you don’t pay attention to the current climb as you take each step, you may not have the skill and experience needed for the next mountains and the next ones. The journey is the destination.

Riding the Wave

I started a new job today, finished up as much as I could with the old one and saw all kinds of people I’ve missed a lot over the past year. My stocks are up by several hundred dollars, my living room is clean and the last load of laundry is done. These are great accomplishments for the day, more than most days, so why is it I feel so anxious? I just took a look outside and saw the reason for my discomfort. Although I love the full moon, the light it shines at night and the comfort in brings me to see it, I’m anxious at its arrival apparently. Tonight, I wish I could say I was at the mercy of my emotions. It seems that way on the surface but sadly I know better. I’m in a mood because I had high expectations for a happy and peaceful evening and those were not to come to fruition. Again, such feelings and thoughts are no one’s fault but mine.

So, I’m going to fall back and regroup…think a little differently. I decided to get comfortable. The dishes are done, dinner is cleaned up and the cat is fed and his box nice and clean. There aren’t any more chores that must be done this evening and I’ve got an hour and twenty minutes before I turn into a pumpkin. It’s challenging to face such emotions on what was an otherwise really good day.

On a distracting note, a friend at work pointed out there is a military air show coming up next month at Nellis AFB in Las Vegas and I think I’d like to go see it. Unfortunately, the quickest way to get there is via air. I hate the flight to Vegas. Although it’s a short flight, I hate how bumpy it is over the mountains. I’d rather drive it but I’d hate to drive alone. Being a mom, it’s hard to make plans that far into the future that cost money because something inevitably comes up and last minute cancellations are a high risk. Hmmm…I’d really like to go to that show. It would be great to see. It’d be easy to fly out Fri Night and fly back Sunday morning. I’m thinking about it. I wish I hadn’t missed the show in Mira Mar weekend before last. I got to see some of the planes but from a little ways away. I really love military air craft. I think I loved them from my first trip to Edwards Air Force Base. I remember walking around, seeing the shuttle, air planes old and new and watching the Blue Angels and thinking, “AMAZING!” That show definitely had a huge impact on me. I remember feeling the vibration of sound inside my heart as the jets flew over head and I was hooked!

Well, that was actually a very nice distraction because I’m already in a better mood. The challenge now would be finances. The flights are about $100 and two nights, depending on where you stay would be at least $300…meals, drinks, gambling, taxi’s and tickets for the show and I think I’ve priced myself right out of my budget. Oh well, I’ll definitely be waiting for the next CA show. I’ll have to check and see when that is and make plans to go!

Well, I am now much more at peace even though a bit disappointed about the Nellis show. I can always have Carlos bring me back a sticker (pouting) and stories about how cool it was! It’s not a big deal…really…budget and responsibilities come first and there is going to come a time that I will miss having those responsibilities to look after.

I’m going to go read a book for a while, in peace, in my room, where it’s quiet and things are put in exactly the place I left them in. It’s like my private sanctuary undefiled by children’s socks, toys or the little plastic straw wrappers that come off the juice box straws. I hate those things. They somehow find their way into mysterious places!

Surviving Divorce or Other Crises

So often are we faced with overwhelming aspects of life that we are just derailed, feeling blind-sided and defeated or frustrated. I've been there so many times that I can't count. Due to my life lessons, I've been through divorce 3 times, the death of a parent from alcoholism and witnessing the surviving parent succumb to the same illness, troubles at work, thin finances, feeling alone and totally on my own. Such things can emotionally bring you to your knees and leaving you feeling so empty, angry, anxious and toxic. But there is a way out. In fact there are many ways out and I'm going to suggest them to you now. I'm a very strong advocate of counseling...it works...it helps but you have to do your part...do your homework outside of the sessions and not expect to be cured in a 55 minute session each week. Read, talk to friends and family and keep thinking through the challenges you face looking for the cause within you and not the blame without.

There are also support groups that you can go to for many topics. These are a blessing and a comfort for those who take advantage. So, I highly recommend those too. Along the lines of support is a website that I absolutely love...About.com. They have forums on so many topics from mental and medical diagnoses to hobbies and finance. Great place to get that "support-group-like" support as well. Now, outside of these help sources there are somethings that you can do yourself. When life gets tough our energy is drained and the more exhaustion we allow to set in from these things the more emotional and impatient we get. Life can start to look bleak and frustrating everywhere you turn and then the negative thoughts flow like a mountain spring thawing after a long winter. Not good!

So, here is Reverend Janice's idea...tested idea...meaning, it worked and does work for me as long as I commit to doing these things whenever I feel like I'm slipping into negativity. It might seem trivial and unimportant but I assure you the impact on your psyche is hugely positive. I call this my Ten Commandments for Serenity:


1. If someone is out to get you, so what...just go about your business and don't trust them but let it go. In time, you will want to learn to forgive them for they know not what they do. (This one takes some time...but is very liberating when you can shove your own...get-even ego out of the way).

2. If the world is spinning too quickly for you...hit the pause button and change your focus to helping those less fortunate than you. (Donate your time to help the community, family or friends so you can get out of your head on your own worries).

3. When life gets to chaotic for you, turn it over to God, the Goddess or your Higher Power and ask for help so that you make things right and peaceful for all involved.

4. Make yourself a plan for life, even if a loose one, and then think of that plan and take your steps to get there knowing that even a 10,000 mile journey begins with a single step (Lao Tzu).

5. Dress yourself up presentable each day not for anyone else but yourself.

6. Learn something new every day to enrich your mind, heart and soul.

7. Say a prayer in an open field or out in nature somewhere as your visit to church each week...pray that the homeless find shelter, the wounded...healing, the hungry...food and the lonely...love.

8. Hug a family member and tell them you love them.

9. Smile at a complete stranger for no reason at all and make eye contact.

10. Compliment someone in the grocery store or help someone find something or get something.

These things might seem silly but when you are going through the ravages of a divorce or other chaotic life-crises, these 10 simple things can help restore balance and peace to you. You see where I'm going with these themes so make them your own and add-lib the concepts to make them fit you. The idea is to generate good will between you and others in your sphere. This good will is very healing for you and for others. But, to get to this place where you can do any of the above, you have to allow yourself permission to let go of the chaos and the emotions generated. You have to know that your emotions are your choice and under your control...you are responsible, not anyone else. This is good news. If you blame others and make them responsible for how you feel, you can't control your responses. If you take accountability for your emotions, you ARE in control and CAN decide how you will respond to life's events.

Just some food for thought folks. May you find a measure of peace and serenity today...even minutes matter. Blessings!