I was reminded of these thoughts yesterday while out and
about. A simple thing no one but my
partner and I noticed, but there was a woman walking down the street. She wore brightly colored clothing that did
not match. It was partly cool ethnic, partly
hippie and partly beach casual. Absolutely
nothing in her attire was in sync; not
the style, not the colors and certainly not the mixed prints. She was a beautiful woman I thought, maybe
somewhere in her forties. My partner
commented on her dress and wondered about it.
I let my senses go out and feel for what it might be that gave her the inspiration for her choice in attire. Now mind you that I can only filter through
my own perception of this reality I experience but what I felt was a spirit
true to herself. I didn’t sense mental illness, lacking awareness of fashion,
drug-induced ignorance, color blindness or anything else.
I saw a soul comfortably walking her own way. And you know what? I respected and appreciated it so much.
Admittedly, I am a recovering co-dependent people
pleaser. I have lived most of my life
trying to be what every one else thought I should be from an A student, to a
star team player to a perfect wife and mother.
None of these things could I ever measure up to for long in the eyes of
another. Eventually I’d fail to live up
to an ideal and oh the wicked lashing I’d get then. Not from those with the expectations of me but from my
own mind. That, in my opinion sitting
here this morning, is the absolute worst.
Somewhere along the timeline of my life a feeling grew inside of my core
that could no longer be ignored. I was
tired of working so hard for an unachievable perfection that I nearly imploded
and in that moment was true perfection born.
I began to question why on Earth would I ever endeavor to be anything
other than who and what I actually was? I
realized that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, my choices, or my
desires for my own life, (except for the minor point that I had no clue what any
of that was).
As I look back on my life I see so much of the authentic
real person within me who tried so hard to fight its way out of my ego’s seemingly
forced invisibility. There is such a
thing as an inverse ego. It is a very
fragile one as are most wounded egos.
But something within me kept begging for cognition, awareness and the
desire to throw away invisibility and anyone or anything that required that of
me.
I spent years then trying on new things to see if it felt
right and good and in the process, did the best I could to raise my children
the way I thought best despite the frustration of the expectations of others, despite the lectures
and the “you oughtta’s.” I became a
self-made success nearly in spite of myself and that’s kind of funny to
me. By sheer force of will I reduced all
barriers to mere rubble so-to-speak and I forged a new path if even in pure
darkness and eventually as the twists and turns of my life completed
themselves, I came to the tiniest glimmer of light from deep within. I no longer question who I am and have come
to learn that I need not worry so much about what others think because they
don’t define me, I don’t define me. The
part of me that would try to define me is only my ego and it is incapable. So, I have learned that I am of two minds in
a very interesting and psych-spiritual-philosophical way. I
see myself getting caught up in things and I pull myself out with rational
thought and a true sense of authenticity but usually not unscathed. But those scrapes, bumps and bruises from
exploration have taught me what I am not by process of elimination. Some of you may identify with that process of
learning. It is a very interesting path
to say the least!
I rebel against the idea of dictates towards me now near
automatically. I work very hard to quiet
the voice inside my head that tries still to tell me who and what to be and
well, how to do it even. I grapple and
struggle with that voice that says, “No, you’re wrong, you can’t do that and
you’ll never make it this way or that way.”
I struggle with that voice because I see its true origin – again,
malware in the psyche. It’s not mental
illness per se. This is more environmental
psychology – along the lines of the natural effect of living in a perfectly
imperfect world with individuals who did not understand a human being’s true
potential.
Every single soul on the planet does the only thing they
know how to do…even when they are doing things morally judged as wrong, mean,
horrible, awful, insulting, demeaning, etc.
We all have choices to make in life; including how to manage the effects
of our own very personal environmental psychology.
Walking your own path in life can sometimes be a lonely
experience. When you refuse to conform
to societal norms or enforced conformity for the ease of others, life takes on
a new meaning and the challenge that arises becomes an invitation to
climb. And by climb, I mean climbing out
of the pit of other’s ideals of who you should be and embracing the true authenticity within you,
accepting yourself exactly as you are and loving yourself despite any lingering
traces of a voice whispering negative thoughts to thwart your progress. The lonlier path truly is complacency, sleepy conformity and ignoring your own true inner feelings and spiritual urgings.
Being authentic means you have found your true inner voice and it
will no longer keep quiet. You can recognize the true
inner voice by the way that it speaks to you so that you can feel the purity of the flow within you. This is the voice you can begin to recognize as the higher part of the self guiding you up and
out of the lower designs of the ego. The
ego is not to be destroyed mind-you, but rather understood and then
transcended. Old paradigms of thought
and outmoded methods of activity can be overcome when you grab hold of those
few precious nano seconds between judgment, emotion and action. The span is so short from a human timeline
perspective that if you remain asleep and unaware that such times are a gift in
which you can step out of normal reaction and into, instead, understanding and
thoughtful response, you might miss a beautiful opportunity to truly see yourself just as beautifully as you are. It is absolutely
amazing the way you can truly feel living life honestly from a place of
authenticity.
Why does this matter, I often write in my posts. I want you to think for just a moment about
why this matters. If you live the life
someone else designs for you – even if that design comes from your own ego
spurred on by environmental psychology and unconscious malware, this is a
recipe for a very unhappy and unfulfilling life. I don’t want that for myself certainly and I
don’t want that for you either. I can
pretend I am a teacher of sparkling and impeccable thoughts and actions but
that would be a lie. I teach from the
heart by real experience that I have been through, that I grapple with and that
I succeed at if even painfully sometimes.
I like to find meaning in the ugliness and take it as a personal challenge
to find some shred of beauty in it no matter how long and hard I must
contemplate, reflect and adjust my sometimes-myopic vision.
This is one incredible ride…life. It is meant to be lived from the heart and
soul of you. When you can determine that which most prevents you from living
life in joy from the truest center of your being, everything changes from the
mundane to the extraordinary. You become (once again)
extraordinary and the thought of that makes me smile. Blessings for your journey beautiful
dreamers. Find that thread of
authenticity fighting within you for conscious cognition. Give it a tug with a smile on your face and
be willing to deal with all the stuff that falls out. It’s that “stuff” that you must wade through
and clean up to get to the good stuff in life.
Be fearless and courageous. You
were born of the stuff of the stars that shine so very brightly. Live your life like you mean it straight from
the heart. Much love and light always
and in all ways. And, So, It Is!
© 2015 Jaie Hart (photo and words)
If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy my books. You can find them at http://www.jaiehart.com or Amazon Kindle and even in Nook. Bless!
[[Walking your own path in life can sometimes be a lonely experience. ]]
ReplyDeleteSo true, but eventually you find that the ones who are meant to be, was always with you for a long time, perhaps life long.
Yes...sometimes learning that you are all you truly need is so very liberating...we all have within us all the support we'll ever really need...and friends? They are the icing on the cake! :)
Delete