Saturday, October 18, 2014

Certainty in Uncertainty

It was 3:58 am when I opened my eyes.  I laid there in the dark for a few minutes as the dream scape slowly faded from my consciousness.  Feeling the expanse from the far edges of the universe still embedded in the edges of my existence, I didn’t want to move really but I could no longer lie still.  The hours of early morning’s soft darkness often calls to me.  It was no different this morning.  The stillness of last hours before dawn bring me such peace.  Quiet time alone in this little corner of my home filled with those I love makes me smile.  I’m awake and there is coffee in this realm of consciousness.  I must go and do and see and then taste the delicious comfort of my favorite morning ritual.  It is that, a ritual of sorts.

“What will I channel this morning,” I think to myself.  My thoughts open up but they don’t reach out like usual.  Instead I am here, silently tapping listening to the first bird begin to sing in the darkness.  The sun is nowhere in sight but I did catch the tiniest glimpse of the moon racing the sun for the sky.  Through the open window, I can feel the coolness of morning and it seems, in a way, to be a balm to my soul.  It’s been a long week with much to do and the entire time it seemed my consciousness was split.  It was split between doing and thinking and observing what I was doing and thinking, observing what others were doing and certainly must be thinking. At the same time I tried as much as I could to stay in touch with an emerging feeling. Sometimes I wonder at the capacity for activity from one single human being.  My last meeting of the day yesterday left me with such fuel for thought.  Surely there must be a better way to accomplish goals than piling humans with more work they haven’t got time for if they are to do a good job at anything at all.  I realized the challenge of it and then got very quiet and felt an opportunity.  I let those thoughts go in peace this morning.

The backdrop of my morning is punctuated in the haunting hum and drone of the freeway not far from my home.  For some reason I seem to have lived in earshot of it since I returned to California back in 1997.  I think I rather like the busyness of the city.  It’s easy to get lost, to become invisible in plain sight in the middle of a concrete jungle.  The greatest challenge in the world is learning to find peace in this environment and I smile realizing what an accomplishment that is in and of itself for me.  I don’t count my accomplishments much.  In fact, my partner suggested I should do just that having suffered a strange bit of melancholy of late.  “It’s nothing,” I say having no explanation.  I’m clear on where my contentment lies, where my challenges lie but my accomplishments, not so much…my opportunities – those I love to explore.  Even in our darkest moments we have an amazing opportunity to step outside of ourselves and notice even one single moment of our awareness.  We don’t often consider the infinite ways our consciousness is just incredible beyond words.  So me, I don’t worry too much about feeling a little, well, there isn’t really a name for it.  It may seem like melancholy or even appear that way.  For me such “feelings” have always been a precursor to some new type of creativity possibly as yet unknown to me.

So, the coffee is wonderful this morning I notice.  It tastes like the best cup of coffee I’ve had in long time.  And, this dark cool morning?  Well, it too seems like the best one I’ve enjoyed in such a very long time.  To be up, conscious, sensing, hearing and feeling just feels like the absolute best ever.  Every day is a blessing in some small way and there are just those times when the thinking must stop and the feeling leads the way.  Ultimately I know and have infinite faith in where I’m taking myself on this journey of experiencing life on Earth…much like the moon’s certainty the sun will follow, at least this day.   I like to live a life of peace but I feel the dichotomy of chaos within sometimes as I observe what is without.  I can’t tell the difference in origins sometimes…what is the origin of the chaos? What is the origin of the peace?  I think it is just me and how I choose to perceive a world of polarity for this world is most certainly that.  I can choose to become sidelined by it or choose to see where the opportunities do most certainly dwell.

Off to it then, I suppose.  Maybe I’ll work on another project.  I’ve put out 7 books this year so maybe a break from big story writing.  But then again, this feeling that’s been emerging within me, and the memory clearly of the edges of the universe in my visions and dreams can mean only one thing.  There is yet another project or concept brewing just like this morning’s coffee.  Oh, I’ve no idea what the project will be yet.  Surprisingly in this moment, I am content with the realization that I don’t have to figure it out.  I simply just don’t have to know at this moment in time.  I’m just excited to be here, alive, open and breathing.  That is purely and simply enough…show up…be here fully now…that’s it.  It’s as simple as that.  Blessings for a wonderful day beautiful dreamers.

© 2014 Jaie Hart (photo/words)

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