Sunday, October 17, 2010

Themes and Things to Let Go Of

I’m standing alone in the cool night air, gentle sprinkles collecting into drops falling from my roof top, the periodic hissing sound of cars cruising on pavement…I couldn’t be happier than I am just now standing here getting damp. I notice the light from my kitchen window casting light and shadows…tiny little drops sparkle like diamonds on the plants in my garden. The air smells fresh and clean with the water washing away all of the dust—and I pause right there remembering what I am choosing to let be washed away from me.

The last few weeks have been brutal emotionally for me. But it finally dawned on me that I had a choice to continue to be an actor in a play or to step back and observe and watch the emotion fall away from it all. It really did begin to fall away once I realized my place in this play and the lessons I was to learn. I don’t need lessons of that kind any more. These were lower vibrational lessons I somehow missed and had to repeat. I won’t repeat them anymore and that makes me smile.

I had betrayal knock on my door from both the left and the right within the span of a week. Deep, rock your gut to the core type anguish and pain hit me and I almost panicked. I somehow remembered to practice what I preach and sat still for a very long time trying not to judge nor victimize myself with my own thoughts. For days I couldn’t really speak of the betrayals to the depths that I felt them with anyone and I won’t give the details here because it is the theme that is necessary and not the details. Suffice it to say that betrayal is an ugly lesson to learn and it has myriad levels of pain and yet amazing growth attached to it if you are willing to bravely walk through it and focus on learning as you take each step; each breath.

I know that telling the horrors of our stories sometimes can make things worse…especially when we do what we do and tell it as if we were somehow victimized in the process. In time and when the emotions settle, the lesson dawns on sleepy minds that there are no victims. We walk willingly down all of the roads we choose in life. We may have the storm warnings blasting at us from all sorts of directions and still we tread. Why? Only you and your guides know for sure. For me, the betrayal was a theme that goes back a very long way for me. When you experience traumatic events, your brain files away each picture in some negative looping Rolodex in your mind. It stores them there until the next similar event hits and then it starts pulling and playing only the recent similar events. But if you sit really quiet and ask your memory to unfold, all of the pictures from the theme will play on and you can go back to the source…the reason you keep walking down a road where the theme will occur yet again. For me it was a lifelong lesson of self-betrayals, going against my gut, being told my thoughts were not real, knowing I walked into so many things of my own volition that I maybe shouldn't have. I pulled out all of those memories and laid them out on an invisible screen in my mind’s eye. I viewed them all one by one and acknowledged them…my part, the parts of others…the roles they AGREED to perform in MY play. Hmmm, yeah, that was an interesting realization. It was MY play from the beginning.

I can’t tell you how I know it but there is this feeling inside of me that tells me today that everyone of the betrayals flashing before me were things I wished to experience. There were things I needed to understand about people, about the world and about myself. I learned those lessons the hard way as somewhere I knew I would and so they repeated…for thirty or so years they repeated. And now I see. And now I understand. So, I stand here in the rain, no more tears to shed, the sky seems to be doing that for me—I take one last breath in thinking of all that is positive and good in this world and I hold it for a few seconds…review all of the scenes one more time and I imagine clearing that screen with my bare hands causing each vision, memory and residual pain to immediately disperse and disintegrate into the nothingness from which they began as I breathe out slowly. They are nothing. Those experiences never defined who I was and I certainly no longer need to hold them. In this moment, standing here in the rain I smile at all of the willing actors who so generously participated in my learning. I thank them from the deepest parts of my heart. I forgive them for the pain I felt because they did only what I somehow needed them to do. The most important fact, article or thought remaining was to release myself from any anger or frustration for the betrayals I waged against myself. I understand them now. The place they originated has been made whole with the deepest and truest love possible and with that, I join in the sky and shed a little precipitation from clear seeing eyes! I am free from this lesson. It may arise again but it will not be at my hand. I know now that I can never go against myself in any regard. To go against yourself is like killing a piece of your soul little by little over the years and months of your life. It’s not worth it. (People pleasers pay attention to these last two sentences). (smiles)

It’s raining a little harder and I’m now getting wet but still I stand here. I let the rain perform the final aspects of this impromptu ceremony of letting go. I stand here grateful for all that I experienced. I stand here grateful for the actors in my play. I stand here grateful for the steps that I took and the roles that I played. I stand here free from the pain of a past that no longer serves me. I stand here ready to bless all and let go. One more breath in as I lift my face to the rain-filled clouds. I smile as each drop lands on my face, I hold my arms out wide to embrace every drop and I let the rain wash away all of the pain. I’m making a conscious choice to let go, to be healed, to realize the play was a play and I no longer have to carry the burden of this pain. I am free of it right here and right now. The residual effects that began to create an unwanted reality are in this very moment being rewritten. I’ve consciously chosen a different path from this moment forward. I will not walk in fear of this journey. Whatever may come will come and I will continue to walk bravely, facing what I must, learning what I want and need. I’m ready to raise up from this place I have been. I’m ready to finally heal the unhealed parts of me.

At some point in our lives, the pain of certain events or even a collective of negative events weights on our souls. This can manifest in anxiety, depression, addictions, compulsions and all sorts of other things. With the right kind of help, you can be free. It’s a choice you make and a goal you reach for with every healthy tool available to you. Notice I said healthy and not easy! Intent is everything. Patience is necessary. Love for yourself first and foremost is required. If the journey before you gets a little too tough or painful, remember you can always step back into an observer position…you can step back into the safety and serenity of your higher power while you work through the things you need to in order to set yourself free in a healthy way of the pain you carry from the lessons you are trying to learn. You are so amazingly powerful. If you only knew how much you would never despair for long. Everything happens for a reason for good or for ill. You don’t necessarily have to find the source in order to let go of pain. You can decide simply to let go and move on in the light of love. It sounds hokey huh? I would have thought so 10 years ago but no longer. Every time you let go of some part of your pain, you help free the world of pain. In a way, we are all part of a collective soul. When we are hurt – we hurt others. When we heal others, we heal ourselves. We are so intertwined and connected. But, that is another topic for another time. Keep hope always around you, draw love up from the well deep inside you and find forgiveness, find strength and find trust in yourself to learn what you need to and you will then be able to let go of the pain that keeps you weighted down on your journey. May blessings and love follow you all of the days of your life!

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