When faced with something toxic, gently set it down. Examine it dispassionately for the purpose of
understanding for in that understanding therein lies a true and beautiful
opportunity to gain wisdom and insight into your own spirit.
The above statement came to me earlier this week and turned out to be a bit precognitive
in nature. I’ve written about malware in
the psyche in some of my works and we all have it. As uncomfortable as it may feel, when you are
faced with yours, it can be both frightening and exhilarating at the very same
time. When moving through our day to day
we come across a present day scenario that sets off a trigger from a moment in
the recent past, it feels so very uncomfortable. When you set that down and look at it from a
calm and peaceful perspective, you begin to see the entirety of the picture in that the recent trigger is not
the only one and that is exactly why you may feel completely undone (even if
you don’t show it on the outside). I’m a
highly functioning member of society. I
have much insight about any number of things but must admit that turning it
inward is much work. That’s a little
funny to me because all the things I write about are based on direct
experience. I'm just as infected with malware as everyone else on the planet. The only difference I've become more aware of it over time and have learned that through that awareness we can buy ourselves precious seconds to over-ride our automatic mental operating systems infected with malware and make healthier choices for ourselves.
Writers are always encouraged to write what they know. Well, if I wrote only about emotional trauma,
distress and disappointment, I’d be writing soap operas that are useless and
reinforcing the negative rather than embodying a curious reflection in the fullness of faith in myself to
face whatever it is that has been created by me in my life to deal with. So, I’m reflecting this morning about a
trigger I faced this week.
I can’t reveal all the details because others are involved
but I will just say that a fear seemingly originating from just a bit further back in my timeline seemed to be manifesting in my present. I thought I had solved that
fear by stepping off the battlefield and taking a different path. But fear is funny – if you don’t deal with it
head on, it will reappear not to drive you crazy but to give you a better
opportunity to understand it. So, I
encountered this opportunity this week and in the moment of discovery, my body and mind were in reactive mode with so much toxic emotion that I
could barely function. I realized that even though I was in an emotionally reactive state I could still feel the opportunity I had to experience
this fearful thing with grace. Also, fortunately for me, I had the benefit of unexpected assistance in a moment that helped me realize I was safe to explore what was really happening. Now, this particular
situation is an ongoing one and so I had to ask myself, “Why am I reacting like
I am right now?” I was stunned by an unanticipated and seemingly uncontrollable involuntary emotional reaction. My own response is in part due to the event I mentioned a little further back in my timeline when I found myself in a similar emotionally reactive state. I thought I solved this issue at its source when my inner guidance prompted me to take a new direction in an area
of my life. I followed and life was
still tough but ultimately it was better.
There was a part of the scenario that always had the
potential to come back and it did, a tiny little sliver of it in just the way I
most feared and my body unconsciously reacted to that tiny sliver as if I was
squared off on the battlefield with broadsword in hand again. I analyzed my own reactions being of two
minds always on a thing – the object and the subject both witness and
experiencer of life. And so, I curiously
felt my way through, letting the emotion be…trying not to beat myself up in my
thoughts that all of my progress was for naught – all of my progress was
brilliant and perfect and the only threat was a perceived one and not a real
one. There was an old fear that creeped
up – a fear that I could not handle what was before me. A lie inside my own mind I recognized
immediately but it generated emotion. I
had no choice in the moment other than to let the emotion have its voice and so I just allowed it to be. I am emotional today but I am also something
more – I am wise for my experience of the recent and not too distant past
experience but with a little analysis and reflection I see this is a pattern
and theme. There is a string of these very same things that run through the
whole of my conscious experience here in physical reality. This means there was a moment where a certain
kind of fear was installed in the form of mental malware by careless individuals who knew
not one ounce better. An old belief was uncovered and that belief was, "I am not good enough." This realization became a threat to my current conscious belief of what being good enough is. I realized that the source of the old belief of "not-good enough" was fighting to become completely conscious.
I see the string of triggers and events and their meaning to
me, so personalized, so perfect and so me to combat something such as a belief
that was never mine but one given me not so much in word but in circumstance (and well, sometimes word). If I could
give you all of the specifics it would make so much more sense but I cannot as
it involves others I said and their part in this journey are confidential and well
truly irrelevant to my present thoughts and understanding. I see them as
blessed teaches of a very tough life lesson, the threatening of self at the
level of a belief held unconsciously. This is the most destructive type of thoughts there is. It is unreal should you ever encounter
it. The belief – is null, invalid and
untrue and no soul who approaches me and attempts to push that belief back upon me will be
met with nothing other than compassion along with a very strong rejection of
any form of illusory attack.
My reaction this week was a cellular reaction of a child who
knew they were being told a lie, a destructive lie that was reinforced so many
times that it crossed their ethical line into oblivion. I see now that child and how her presence
within me today, the way she evoked an unconscious reaction in me in my present
situation was the most beautiful gift I have been given in a long time. The gift of wisdom and the gift of
insight…She has been speaking to me for years through anxiety, depression,
disappointment and self-limiting thoughts. She has been fighting to get me to
remember the time before we were given the belief – the malware…remember that
moment when you knew and believed in the truth of you, that you stood in the brilliance
of your own light unphased by the insanity of the malware of others and there
do I still stand.
As I reflect on my present day triggering of a core level
aspect of malware, I’m shaken a bit physically and emotionally but the observer
of the subject (both are me) are actually over joyed. There is no threat. There is only bad
behavior I prefer not to tolerate and there are my choices I will make in line
with my own light. I will participate in
full awareness of the truth of my being, I know what I’m capable of and I know
where my boundaries are. I will exercise
all aspects of the fullness of my being to face this trigger once and for all
knowing no matter what comes of the situation, I am safe, I will be safe and no
words or actions can ever change that.
By safe I mean emotionally safe.
This is no physical threat that I face but the challenge of healing an
old emotional wound.
We are such amazing and complex creatures. Beautiful aspects of The Whole are we. I find as I stand in that light, it's time now
to challenge my own perspectives. For in so doing, the present elements I face
become nothing but actors playing roles in a play I thought I might find
entertaining to bear witness to. So
creative it is and I’m pleased in this moment at the creativity expressed by
all who have participated from the first moments in the long distant past to
the present individuals who stand in the roles now. What a blessing it is to reach a moment of
understanding of a life lesson learned and finally understood.
© 2015 (photo and words)
