Shift and Reflection

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A new place or frame of mind it is that I currently find myself.  The things that seemed so important aren’t any more and the things I hardly gave attention to have suddenly, subtly and beautifully become a much greater focus.  For whatever reason, I wanted to understand the meaning of life, why things were the way they were and why people were the way they were.  A very self-centered focus was this coming from a truly fearful place and desire for control when I first created this blog many years ago (I’ll honestly admit).  You see, in my unthinking or over-thinking frame, I thought if I understood the actions and motivations of others, I could keep people from hurting me emotionally.  I learned a great deal formally through education and much through direct experience and discovered neither could prevent people from blowing me up emotionally-speaking.

People, for reasons of their own desire for experience in this place in our beautiful Milkyway Galaxy will do what they wish to gain what they came for.  There is no amount of control that can truly be exerted over such people who’s realities begin to overlap in experience with your own.  The only power we truly have is to be who we are and to choose how much suffering we are willing to give ourselves permission to experience.  We can choose the level of suffering we engage in or we can strive to understand that there is much more to the picture of life than what meets the physical human eye.  I’ve learned this of late and came to the realization that for so very long I had chosen a path of suffering at first to get there.  I don’t choose the suffering any more.

From where I was in the early years of my blogging up to now, some important shifts and changes have occurred for me.  Primarily, I do not choose to participate in suffering or with people who create that for their own expression or amusement.  I choose instead to find the silver-lining, the lesson of a thing or mere understanding that some situations aren’t necessarily entirely about you or your lessons at all.  Sometimes the other’s realities overlap with yours for them to learn from you doing nothing at all but being you.  The learning and the teaching seem always to be a mutual exchange if you can step back far enough from the egoic mind and view things much more objectively.  This is not an easy thing to do but it is something that can be learned.  I have learned.  That’s not to say I don’t occasionally get hooked by a drama created by another or question my own sanity for participating in some of the things I choose to participate in (or in some cases not at all), it just means that I eventually seek greater understanding of a thing outside of my beliefs, outside of the box and outside of common understanding.

What does it get you to engage in or create a dramatic situation from which to learn?  You get the experience of the drama and maybe, just maybe, you might gain understanding as to why you wanted to create it or participate in it if that is what you chose to do.  I find great comfort in seeking the meaning of things, understanding better the real truth of things beyond the limited scope of my beliefs.  How I see things doesn’t necessarily represent the truth of anything but I’ve learned to be willing to be open to that thought alone and that thought has set me free from much angst and unhappiness.  It helped to free me from the dark, thick and ugly chains I wrapped myself in while unaware of what I was doing or why.

I grow weary of attempting to understand anything any more in the ways I began many years ago.  I also tire of holding expectations for anything or anyone because it seems expectations breed only discontentment for me and I no longer want any part of that in my experience of life.  What I want from life is just to learn to appreciate it as it is, without the need to change it, mold it, form it, control it or manipulate it to be anything other than what it is.  What I want is to open myself up completely to the truth about everything and that is not something I’d take anyone’s word on.  Many people in this frame profess to know the truth of a thing but if you put that “truth” under the scrutiny of testing objectively, you often find such a truth to be provisional based only on the beliefs of others, assumptions of others or the perceptions of others.  I appreciate these things as they exist and realize I no longer wish to resist, correct or reject anyone’s beliefs or even my own.  What I really want is just to enjoy the blue sky just as it is, enjoy it when it turns dark and gray, enjoy it when it’s filled with fiery orange rays of light or black filled with twinkling stars.  I want to learn to accept life on it’s terms as it is without my interference or judgment of it.  I wish to gain acceptance of what is as it is without always leaning on suffering to do it.

It’s kind of a tall order as it flies in the face of all I’ve been taught but I seem to care less and less about that and care more and more about what resonates as truth within me.  When I feel love and compassion and can respond to life as it comes, I feel more authentic and real and that life has more meaning.  When I feel fear and anger and react to life or attempt to control what comes next I feel like the shell of a human being, powerless and helpless.  I don’t like how that feels so realize I can stand in my power or my own light by holding more closely to love and compassion knowing therein these two things lies the passage ways to the truth of everything.  I don’t know how or why I know (maybe some really fantastic teachers of late on this side of the veil and beyond) but I know.  I may decide to go quiet for a little while and dive deeper into my studies towards very specific things I wish to accomplish.  I need to carryout the actions that follow my shift in thought.  No easy task but necessary for me.  Freedom matters a great deal to me and I've come to the realization that you can’t discover what it is you truly want and need and then engage in everything contrary to that desire.  There is work to be done and much of it. ~ sigh and smiles ~

I see this particularly entry is more like a diary post than a blog post but I’ll put it out there any way in the event it helps someone else who may be going through similar thoughts and realizations and maybe if for no other reason than to let them know they are not alone.  None of you are ever alone even when it seems like it.  I’m here.  You’re here.  We’re all here together part of a vast whole of an amazing existence.  Where is the “alone” in that? (smiles).  Every single thing under the sun and beyond it matters.  Your thoughts matter, your energy matters and your triumphs and awakening awareness matters.  Even your lack of awakening and awareness matters.  Nothing is unimportant in the scheme of existence of life here.  Every piece that individually expresses itself is an important part of the whole I have learned and learned in a way I can’t really explain.  It’s not my place to at this time.  For now, I wish you nothing but joy, bliss and love as well as the strength and courage to live your lives in infinite authenticity and curiosity.

© 2014, Jaie Hart (photo and words)