Sunday, November 14, 2010
Wasted Time or Lessons Learned?
I’m an observer by my very nature. I watch everything with a keen eye towards understanding and appreciation. When you are looking at everything with an open mind, there isn’t a lot that you miss. I’ve seen some amazing places that others would think non-descript, not spectacular nor even worth a minute. But I’ll tell you, nothing is more beautiful, precious or amazing than standing in the middle of a forest, leaves spread on the ground as an amazing colorful carpet, looking up seeing the sunlight etch it’s way to the ground lighting the water molecules in the mist as the sun warms cold and wet ground. It’s breath taking. There is also simple beauty in the little things, brightly colored Japanese beetles, deep purple and red pansies or magenta colored petunias. Flowers always seem to hold this simple beauty that amazingly powerful and yet is truly a gentle explosion of creation, an example of mastering its elements and bringing forth beauty, fragrance and peace in its presence…and then, there are human beings walking the planet—some appreciative of all life has to offer, bringing balance, objectivity and gratitude for all that is and there are others whose role or sole job in life is to show us the absence of peace and tranquility.
I’ve watched the distorted angry faces of those craving love, not getting it the way they want and so punishing everyone around them. I’ve seen the turmoil in their eyes as they spin ever out of control lashing out at the world and everyone around them ever the victims of this or of that, never once standing up to take accountability for their own hand in their own undoing. They are no greater or lesser than anyone else on the planet but yet they feel so small inside that the only pleasure and satisfaction they derive in life is watching those they supposedly care for to learn what is treasured with the sole intent of filing that information away to pull out and use as some sort of emotionally deadly weapon in the future that might serve them. Its hard to stand in the presence of such people, see what they really mean as they hurl hurtful words they intend to use to destroy you for possessing something they cannot in their present frame—self love. Misery does indeed love company. As hurtful and frustrating as finding yourself in the presence of wounded people can be, I assure you that you have choices in what you take in, you have choices in what you believe might be true coming from the mouths of the mortally emotionally wounded and you have choices in terms of what you will tolerate in your presence.
Fighting back with these individuals is such a huge waste of time. Let them spill forth their toxic poisonous hurtful words…truth is, the fact that they speak them in such vile fashion truly only hurts them and shows the world that inside they are like angry wounded children or animals unable and unwilling to set themselves free with self love. It is not unloving to walk away from them. It would be unloving to stand there and feel bad about the things that they say. They need and want power to feel good but if you give them nothing, they will tire and go away frustrated and unfulfilled, for the most part. If you love an individual like this, know that standing there and taking their abuse actually only feeds their sick and twisted addiction to pain and adrenaline they hold dearer than you. I say, you must love yourself more…love yourself enough to say “No,” I do not tolerate this toxic poison being thrown at me… “No,” I will not allow you to extract sympathy from me at the cost of my very own soul and self love… “No,” I will not stand in your presence any longer despite who you are to me and your position in my life. For certain wounded people, no position is so sacred that you must stand there and take abuse from a wounded person. If they are willing to get help, point to the light whatever that might be and step back and let them go to it on their own. If they are unwilling, you may need to employ tough love and remove yourself or them from your sphere of every day life.
Life here is not meant to be conflict free. Understand that. Conflict is intended to teach you important life lessons and sometimes that lesson is merely knowing that you cannot walk another’s path for them and you cannot carry them by complacency or enabling behavior. You do not necessarily have to call them out but you can refuse to engage in the games that they play, you can decide to just say no to them and yes to you, yes to peace and yes to serenity. This time of year in particular, these types of difficulties come to mind for so many. There are those “so called” well meaning family members that take great pleasure (it seems) in poking at all of your weak spots or exposing you in some uncomfortable way. When you take offense, you hand over your power to these individuals. So, get real. If you have weak parts, don’t fear exposure. We all have weak spots. When someone likes to push your buttons due to those weak spots, just own them and say “so-what” or “and?” or “thanks for taking my inventory for me, I can take it from here.” And think nothing else of it. Those with the deepest most cluttered inventory of emotional "stuff” they ought to take care of actually spend more time focused on the inventory of others. Its called denial and avoidance. Its easier, when you are undercover weak, to point out how weak everyone else is. Know this and stand up and own your stuff no matter who calls you out and if they call you out wrongly, there is definitely no need to react because that has nothing to do with you.
Sometimes family members can be abusive in subtle (or overt) ways. If you’re holding out hope for the perfectly family get togethers and there are those people in your family, you need to adjust your expectations. You do get to decide what you react to and what you don’t. I always love the blank, silent stare when someone is taking my inventory. I say nothing at all until they get tired and walk away. Keep your power within you by not being fearful that someone may expose you or see your weakness. If I reacted to the hurtful things I’ve had said about me or to me, I’d be one angry and vengeful person. But I learned something spending all this time observing things. Sometimes human interaction is all smoke and mirrors. Folks will focus on your behavior to disguise their own…some are so deluded they even attack you for exhibiting behavior you never have once in your life but they do every day. It’s infuriating if you are expecting unhealthy individuals to behave as healthy ones.
So, hmmmm, holidays…go, enjoy, rise above the drama and conflict…see conflict for what it is…namely, an opportunity to truly see yourself and your reactions or a way to understand how someone else reacts. Be self-aware of your failings in life and own them, work on them to better yourself and when someone else attempts to expose you, you will retain your power during such an exchange. You might also attempt to hold compassion and just sit yourself in a higher place of your soul rather than your ego. Your ego always reacts but you can observe that reaction and if you can observe that reaction, there is a separate consciousness within you that can act to master those urges to react in an unhealthy way for you. Watch your thoughts, hear them but know you are not them. You are love. Surround yourself with people of like mind to your best ability and for those who are different, respect the differences, seek to understand what you might learn from that individual or individuals and know that you can always retain your power by staying balanced, centered and full of self-love. Treat yourselves gently over the coming Holidays. Enjoy family and friends immensely. Be grateful to be alive and living in a world that holds so much beauty if you’ll only be open to seeing it and know that lessons are never a waste of time. ~Blessings