Friday, February 26, 2010

A Forgiving Journey

Gray skies and glittering tides as far as the eye can see. I sit ocean side transfixed, listening to the waves crashing against the rocks and sandy shore, the gulls crying carelessly in flight and the breeze rustling sparse plant life. The air is cool and the rocky outcropping I rest upon is a little more than damp. But I don’t really mind just sitting here taking in a peaceful and yet powerful view…coffee in hand and thoughts running rampant through my caffeine charged mind. There’s a storm brewing in the distance. I can feel it in my bones as my mind and heart have achieved a heightened sense of awareness for some reason today. God, I love inspiration and have missed it these past many months!

Last night I stood outside in the grass for the longest time just basking in beautiful pale moonlight. I used to hate the winter and the rain. It seems I’ve grown quite comfortable of the long and cool winter nights and even deeply appreciative of gray skies and soothing rain. I’ve not known this much peace in a very long time. It was hard-won but so welcome. In between gently floating storm clouds I see twinkling stars and am filled with awe and wonder at life, at this world we live in and all of it’s inhabitants large and small…my consciousness expanded far beyond me a few moments until I felt like I disappeared into nothingness and everythingness all at once. It was a treasured peaceful moment, just like now.

I’ve grown weary of contemplation and introspection of events and people from the past I realized this morning. I finished those difficult parts of the journey when I never thought I could. I had grown accustomed to tears and gained an unwary affinity with drama and conflict unaware of my own hand in their unintended creation. However, as I sit here today, breathing in the salty air, considering the beauty, security and comfort of the present, I find I’m finally ready to let go of it all—who I was – the things I have done and all of those troubling fears I held tightly to me. Then words dawn on my consciousness…I don’t need to forgive anyone but me. It’s me at the heart and core of these memories. I forgive me and a weight is hugely lifted and I’m breathing slow and easy now.  Finally and so very completely free at long last.

Those pains and bits of residual anger are useless to me now. I’ve cast them out to sea it seems and she brought me peace and resolve for my efforts. This very same view I once watched often through angry and painful tears wishing for someone else to blame beside myself. But, well, that didn’t happen. All those hours spent watching teal blue water and dancing diamonds brought me silently back to myself and well one day, it happened…the last tear drop fell and I accepted it all. Life lessons, doors closing, a new found intense warmth from within. The silence of healing at first was overwhelming but only at first. The silence and stillness now such a great comfort to a new, renewed, forgiven and hopeful soul. I’m ready to journey yet again awake and even more alive than ever I have been before. I’m confident that I am, in fact, the master of my own blessed destiny. Life will always and ever be as good as I am willing to see it so. Searching for silver linings is neither folly nor foolish behavior. It is a saving grace. Or, well, at least it was mine.

My coffee is now cold as I realize its time to go. Many things to achieve this day – a new source of inspiration dawns upon my heart and soul and yet another beautiful and unknown and unanticipated door is beginning to open. I step forward with hope and a smile…fearless, courageous and confident this part of the journey will be even more rewarding than the past. I accept the challenge, acquiesce to universal wisdom and beautiful serenity as I place one foot purposefully and joyfully in front of the other. Off I go then.

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