Manifesting and Moving Project Update

Well, hmmm, WOW!  That sure didn’t take long.  Just after I last wrote, I put my desires very specifically on my prosperity board.  I wanted a 3 bedroom 2 bath place with a garage between 1700 and 1900 a month.  I wanted it by September and I wanted a low deposit.  So, scroll forward just a few days later and I noticed a truck parked on the street just down the street from my house.  The sign said, 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo for rent.  I called the number and left a message.  2 days later I received a call back that the place would be available in August and it is in the price range and it even has an extra bathroom, tennis courts, pool and playground within the complex.  It’s smaller than what we’ve got but I decided it was time to let go of so much stuff and will be spending the next few weeks readying lots of stuff for the Salvation Army!  I sign my lease tonight!!!!  So, the power of positive intent does most definitely work—and the money/moving part – even stuff I had thought about and didn’t write down, well, everything is going to be taken care of.  While I was at it, I had thrown another item up on the board (to loose that Christmas weight finally – LOL  So it’s almost August, whatever!  Well, the pounds are miraculously coming off too!  Whoo hoo!)

Sometimes when there are things that we really want and there is all sorts of anxiety around what we want—you know, the little nagging worries, what if’s and so on...nothing is deadlier to the manifesting and attracting process than the negative energy of worry and anxiety.  A wonderful woman shared with me a really cool idea (thanks Helena!!!!).  When you have those nagging worries that just won’t go away, get yourself a little box and call it your God or Goddess box.  If that doesn’t suit you, call it a transformation box.  Whenever one of those nagging worries crops up, write it down on a little piece of paper and put it in the box knowing that worry will be transformed and be removed from you.  I swear this works.  I’ve saved myself many sleepless nights lately by sitting down before bed and writing down all the little nagging worries I had and stuffing them in the little box.  As I was putting the worry in the box, I called on my faith and trust in myself, in my purpose in life and in my Maker to help me find a way to transform that worry and move past it.  It has gotten me right to sleep very soon after wards every time.

It’s important that when you are consciously working on manifesting and attracting that you feel good about what you are attempting to manifest or attract.  You cannot hold worries or doubt or you will tell the universe to give you more to worry about and more to doubt.  You must hold positive thoughts that will welcome those things you are attempting to manifest or attract.  Spend some time seeing what you want and enjoying receiving it.  Picture it clearly and get very excited about seeing and then just trust that you will do the right things to bring about the opportunity for it to manifest and the universe or your Maker will bring those things to you that you really want and need. 

A word about manifesting and this is my own personal insight and you do not have to share it.  When I am working on manifesting, I’m reasonable in my requests.  There are so many in the world that need things and do not have them.  I do not make outlandish requests and I feel like because of that and the fact that I keep it simple always, the universe always gives me what I need.  I have no need of a sports car to make me feel good so I do not attempt to manifest one.  I keep my manifestations real.  So, if you are new to this concept or process, start small and work on something.  Keep it real, keep it simple and test out your ability to manifest.  You might be very surprised and what comes right into your life!  Make your lists, visualize and feel good about what you want or need and don’t give up.  Never give up.  Faith and trust are a big part about changing your perspectives and holding what you want to manifest in focus.  My good friend Jon told me anything was possible if you focused on it.  Due to my own belief system and abilities, I had to start small with simple and realistic things that wouldn’t create any disbelief for me.  You know what, those things have come to pass and more is in the works.  My little prosperity board is full!  And, lots of good things are happening—thoughts outside the box are coming to me and when I act on those, I bring the things I want to me.  I can see the process working and am so excited.  Each time you have a success at manifesting something, celebrate and feel so very good about it knowing it works.  When you do that, you can lend even more positive energy, faith and trust in the next thing you wish to manifest!

Keep on thinking positive.  Use tools to help you ditch your worries and disbeliefs and keep on going in a happy and positive light.  Life is meant to be enjoyed so do enjoy!  Many blessings!

Explorer of Silver Linings

So, I’ve done a lot of studying for many years on the power of positive thinking. There is one thing I’m certain of, when you are thinking negative—feeling like a victim, thinking that the only kind of luck you have is bad or none at all—life sucks to put it bluntly. There is an unending stream of negative things to pull your attention, steal your hope and destroy all faith you might have in life and living. I’ve been there and done that. It was a long time ago. It wasn’t until I changed my thinking and started to become an explorer of silver linings that things started to change for me. Then, there comes all the positive thinking and manifestation books. I won’t list their titles here. As a normal and rational human being, I really struggle with these books some times. Although I understand the concepts and have employed them most of my life, I can’t help but wonder if you just plateau some times.

Honestly, I think there is a reason for everything. I won’t belabor here but I’ve had some real challenges lately with money not coming in "easily and often" and what does come in is gone with not enough left. Taxes are getting higher, new ones all the time, unexpected expenses and now being forced to watch every penny…UGH! Bad place to be. The more you focus on lack, the more the universe brings you lack but I’ll tell you—even though I’m a really positive person and I turn every thought around with a positive thought—I do visualization and still very little changes are taking place. So, I’m attempting to head in a certain direction that seems to be the holy grail to resolve one of my current challenges…well a couple things—one with a good solid long-term solution that I’m really happy about but the other seems so simple and yet nothing, nothing, nothing. Quite simply, the economy and some bad decisions on my part a few years ago is going to force me to move from a home that I love. I’m not being foreclosed on, I’m just renting so no big deal. But, what I need is taking it’s sweet time to manifest and it isn’t so outlandish or unreasonable, the desire I hold. I just don’t understand. So, the negative natural side of my mind thinks, “you’re being punished for those bad decisions and your just going to be stuck—too bad, so sad.” But, the other side of my mind, the silver lining explorer says, “You have put out there what you need along with the time frame, you just need to trust that it will happen and feel good---don’t get discouraged.” I feel torn!

Everything in life happens for a reason. I guess I just have to trust that the timing is out of my hands only because the perfect place is not yet available to me. I have to trust that this perfect place will be affordable, with a reasonable deposit, a good location and a landlord that is good for us to deal with. I have to trust because if I don’t, I think I will overdose on my own adrenaline! LOL So, I’m putting these power of positive thinking tactics to work in a much better way than I have been. I have what I call a “Prosperity Board.” It’s a little cork board I’ve covered in green construction paper. On that board are all of the things that I wish to manifest in my life right now. I’m going to put my new location needs on there today and every night and every morning I will spend some time visualizing all the things I need concerning a new affordable place to live. I’ll update you on my progress. As I'm writing, I can feel the former negative thoughts about this starting to slip away! Yeah!

One of the things we have to do when manifesting anything we deeply desire in our lives is to trust it will happen as we see it. We have to have faith that its coming and be completely open to receiving it. I’ve somehow lost touch with such good thoughts I see and will bringing myself back on track. I can’t tell you how many other things were on that board that have manifested in my life! Strange thoughts have popped into my head on some of those things—things I hadn’t thought of or tried before and following those new thoughts and possibilities without shooting down the ideas have lead to some great solutions to resolving problems that were seemingly out of my hands. Gosh, it feels good to remember these things. I have to really count my blessings and successes for all the things on that board that have come to fruition. The rest, I really do trust and believe they will come to pass. Patience! Learning to be at peace with the process of manifesting and getting really excited about the coming outcomes is such a good thing.

What things in your life are you trying to manifest? Have you thought about putting together your own prosperity board? Gosh, even listing those things you truly desire on a piece of paper taped up in your room where you see it constantly will work. See the list, feel good about those things on it and just trust that your openness will encourage the universe to bring it to you. All those books out there are not just a bunch of baloney! Really! They are on to something and I speak from experience. I guess on one thing lately I’ve let the stress of life and the distraction of anxiety deter my faith a bit. Time to get back on track and believe, and be open, and see, see, see the possibilities. There are no limits except the ones we allow to enter our minds. You can argue the finer points on that thought all you want but the reality is…all that will get you is stuck right where you are!

I'm taking my own advice here on a somewhat complicated situation. Having read the words I just wrote, I'm letting go of limits, I'm letting go of punishing and negative thoughts and instead I'm going to believe what I need will come and at the perfect time and in the perfect way! I hope this article gives you some food for thought concerning troubling things you're trying to resolve or good things you are trying to manifest. With these words, I am lending some strong positive energy for you so that you may remain positive and become open to receiving your truest desires! Many blessings and good thoughts to ya!

Failure - Fire the Judge!

What a fun topic huh?  Who wants to think about failure?  Nothing creates more anxiety and even fear than when we are facing our own failure in something.  It’s hard to deal with the fact that no matter how hard we attempt to be perfect, those thoughts pushing the attempt have already set us up to fail.  See, we are not perfect and were never meant to be.  Perfection isn’t even something we should ever strive for in this frame of existence.  Making progress in our lives is the best you can hope for …and the one thing you should find a way to become satisfied with.  That’s not to say that you shouldn’t attempt to better yourself or your situation when you feel the need arises.  It’s just that you need to understand what you can and cannot do or be and perfect is something that should just not be in your list.

So, failure…hmmm, having dealt with this topic this week a lot, I really need to write about it.  Somewhere in my head a long time ago this judge was born.  This judge inside of my head prods me on in good ways but sometimes it screams at me in unhealthy ways for making mistakes.  No parental figures in my life have ever belittled me for making mistakes.  Oh, I’ve gotten into plenty of parental trouble for certain mistakes as we all have but I was never belittled.  Unfortunately, that judge was born and lives and breathes inside of my head waiting for me to make a mistake…that judge inside my head generates more anxiety and disappointment and even anger sometimes than anything else in my life.  The funny part is that its so silly.  It’s a very lame tape that plays and sometimes, when I’m aware and pulling out of that insane state, I laugh hard and gently tell the judge to shut the heck up!  LOL

That judge can drive you mad.  If you wonder whether or not you have a judge inside of you wreaking havoc with your self-esteem, consider this…do you walk down the street and hear that voice that wonders what THAT guy was thinking when he put on plaid Bermudas with black soxka and oxfords?  Do you see the very heavy woman with a big gulp and wonder if it’s a diet soda?  Do you notice the person who is obviously having a bad hair day and silently think they should have spent more time in front of the mirror?  If not, you’re either in really healthy shape mentally or you are in complete denial.  Here’s the thing…when we judge others so harshly, we are judging ourselves harshly.  It’s not our job to judge other people…it’s our job to judge ourselves and to do so in a healthy way.  So, when it comes to other people making mistakes, do you attack or do you cut them some slack?  When you make mistakes, do you beat yourself up over the idiotic failure or do you cut yourself some slack?

The beautiful thing about failure is that you have a unique opportunity to learn something about you.  Something as simple as “How did this happen?” is a good question to ask yourself.  If you’re dealing with addictions or twelve-step programs, you learn to look at this a little more deeply…not so you can beat yourself up some more and give yourself another reason or excuse to dive back into whatever your addiction might be.  Instead, you look back to understand where you might have gone wrong…you learn to forgive yourself and love yourself any way and then try with all of your might to learn from the experience so that next time you can do better and be happy about your progress.

This week I’ve dealt with many failures that hit me all at once due to some work I am doing.  They all have a similar source and now that I’ve gone back to look at the source, I now understand my failures as something I need to learn from…work to remedy to my own satisfaction (which does not include any form of perfection) and then go on…striving ever to do better the next time.  During the process of examining my failures, I had to understand what was within my power to control so that the next time something comes up, I can exert better control.  I also have to learn what was not in my control, why it wasn’t in my control  so that next time something comes up, I can exert better acceptance of the circumstances so that I’m not spinning my wheels attempting to control people or situations that are just not within my realm of control.  Sounds  simple enough right?  Not really.  It takes time and patience to work the emotion through but the thoughts bring on the emotions and we can always control our thoughts.  The judge will throw craziness at us some times but each time that happens, we can shut the judge down.  We can re-message the words we hear inside of our heads so that they are more healthy and deliberately positive and gentle.  You’ll gain so much more success if you can fire the judge in your head berating you for failure and instead instilling the voice in your soul with the power to speak encouraging words like a loving and compassionate parent.

Instead of feeling mortified for having made a mistake, step up and own anything you did wrong in terms of dealing with other people…apologize if that is called for, remedy the mistake if possible or decide whatever it is just cannot be fixed.  You have to apply the logic to your own situations gently.  So, for me, I now see a certain string of failures I have to deal with.  Some I can remedy, some I can’t.  Where some people are involved, I will have to find a way to make amends and do my best to do better the next time.  Where situations are just out of my control…all I can do is all I can do and I have to be satisfied with that.  The reason being is that negative thoughts, berating and belittling thoughts do not a perfect person make!  Positive thoughts, positive self-talk and being loving with yourself are the only things that can help you get back on a good track of progress in your life.

So, embrace failure in a healthy way and instead of considering it the end of the world, try to see it as an opportunity to choose more wisely the next time…settle up any consequences that may result from failures or mistakes (don’t hide them or lie about them) and just strive to do better.  Some people like it when we fail because they feel like it gives them power over you.  Well, it doesn’t really…not if you don’t give your power away by allowing yourself to become mired in negative thoughts about your failures.  Do what you can do.  Admit what you can’t do.  Get help if you have to.  Try again if that makes sense and doesn’t fall into the insanity definition (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results). 

I tend to be a little overly perfectionist with myself.  That in itself is a mistake I’ve decided to work very hard on correcting.  I can only correct THAT failure if I allow myself to see it for the opportunity that it is.  I can only do better the next time if I strive for progress and not waste my energy or attempting to be perfect.  I can only do better the next time if I am honest about my failures and get help where necessary.  So, I’m doing all of these things and it isn’t easy but I’ll tell you what, it sure beats beating myself up for failing.  I won’t do that anymore.  It doesn’t help and it doesn’t change what happens.  I choose to focus on the positive and not become mired in the judge’s toxic thoughts.  My judge is being fired from this set of perceived failures.  I did the only things I knew how to do at the time.  Now I know better.  Next time, I’ll do better.  That’s all I need to know.

Many blessings to you~

Daddy - Father's Day Tribute

The world exists under gray skies today
And that somehow seems appropriate.
Today I miss you like the world misses the sun.

I still pick up the phone to call you,
To share an epiphany or something mundane
But in a moment, I painfully realize you're gone.

With you life was so stormy
But we always shared a love for a good storm.
I remember how much you loved the intensity of lightening
and smiled as the thunder rolled.

In the beginning, you took my hand.
You always could calm the frightened child in me.
In the end I was at your side...feeling helpless,
Praying I could be that strong for you.

Like the sun in the summer you brightened my day
And like the night your depths were endless.
I miss the talks we had about life and beyond.

I wish I could see you one more time.
The pain in my heart just doesn't seem to end.
If I could have had just one more day,
I would have told you your life wasn't as pointless as you thought...
Your life touched so many others...and touched mine the deepest.
I love you more than anything still.

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This one is a tribute to my dad.  I miss him.  I love him.  Happy Father's day Dad!

Controlling Thoughts/Happiness

How many times have you said this, “I’d be so happy if he’d just …or she’d just…or they’d stop…or they’d do…?”  Do you realize such thoughts are seeking to control people and your environment?  Do you know how much that actually sets up a high and unachievable expectation in your life?  It does.  Whenever your happiness depends on others, you’ve already set your expectations way too high.  Why?  Well, you cannot control other people and if your happiness is set up always on the premise that if other people do what you want and need them to do, you will often be hugely disappointed.

The place you really want to get to is that place where your happiness is firmly affixed in your own reigns…in your own hands.  Other people cannot make you happy…only you make you happy and you do so by your thoughts.  Conversely, other people cannot make you unhappy…only you make you unhappy and you do so by your thoughts.  Your thoughts are so amazingly powerful and they can trigger a whole host of emotions that seem like they are out of control.  But, they are not.  Our emotions are not involuntary (okay, tiny exception here for empaths but even empaths eventually learn that they can shut down the emotional charges they are taking on from other people and ground themselves).

I’ve written and said this so many times, “The only power you have to control anything in this world is the power you hold to control your own thoughts and subsequent emotions.”  I have succumbed to depression a time or too in my life.  For me, I cannot subscribe to the thought that I am at the mercy of my body’s chemicals, that I am imbalanced and have no control over depression.  I absolutely have control over my depression.  Even if it is caused by my own hormones (yes it sucks sometimes in the forties when your body’s hormones try to take on a mind of their own) but you are not at the mercy of your body either.  I’ve met some incredibly challenged individuals who should be suicidal with what life has seemingly strapped them with…but they aren’t.  They are functioning and highly so because of one thing…their thoughts!  No matter what happens, they keep hope alive…they use faith, positive thinking, helping others, sharing their experiences.  These things give them so much joy and happiness that even when the hard things in life descend upon them, their pity parties are very short lived.  And, know this, sometimes the pity party is necessary but it does not need to be a long protracted event unless you allow yourself to perpetuate those kinds of thoughts.

If you want to be empowered truly and also want to feel like a master of control in your own life—do this, forget about the outside world and other people for a moment and reign in your own thoughts.  You create them.  The do not descend upon you at random.  You get to control them and control your reaction to them.  So, focus on controlling your thoughts.  Disconnect the assumptions you make in your own mind about what people should or shouldn’t do and focus on what you allow yourself to think.  You are the master of your own mind.  You think the thoughts inside your head.  When the thoughts get too negative, shift to an observer position (Read Eckhart Tolle the Power of Now….great book that in one part really describes well, the observer position) and just notice the thoughts floating through your mind.  In fact, that is a really great idea…take a moment and do nothing but notice your thoughts…notice that you can notice your thoughts…notice the frantic pace…notice the assumptions from factual thoughts…notice the emotion you tie to your thoughts—especially the assumptions.  You are not your thoughts and you are not your emotions.  You can pull out and observe at any time you want and with some practice a few times a week even, you can begin to notice thoughts before you react to them and you can cut off negative and controlling thoughts before you allow your emotions to line up with them.

It might sound hard but I tell you it isn’t.  It just takes some practice and practice is worth your time if you can short-circuit the need to control or manipulate others for happiness.  You hear all the time that all we ever need in life comes from within us.  Form a spiritual perspective, we are always connected to the Source and that Source can fill you up when you’re low –you don’t need to pursue anything from the outside world to fill you up.  This is true.  When you feel the need to manipulate or control others for your own happiness—stop, it’s not right and it’s a little recognized form of addiction.  Sadly, it’s a very self-destructive for of addiction emotionally speaking. So, do yourself, family and friends a favor—realize this – As I said, you are the master of your mind and thoughts…you are the master of your own happiness.  You do not need others to make you happy and when you feel you do, that is life, the universe, the spirit or your higher purpose telling you that you need to spend some time on you and your thoughts and navigating through a greater path of happiness on your own.

Happiness is a choice you make.  It’s not something you have or don’t.  When you are in a happy space that you have achieved on your own without manipulating or controlling others to get it, you create this huge wave of positive energy around you.  That positive energy around you will be like a huge unseen universal magnet that will draw to you more happy events, situation and people that will augment what is already there!  It’s a really good feeling. It doesn’t mean you should avoid feeling bad because that happens too.  Just monitor your thoughts when you’re feeling bad and I bet with some effort you can navigate your way back to neutral pretty quickly.  It isn’t hard…it just takes intent and effort to get you there.  Add to your arsenal of happy bringing weapons…things you love or like to do and then go do those things alone or with others who are game.  So much of our existence and experience is based on our thoughts and our perspectives.  Other people do not like to be controlled and it is rather insulting to be on the receiving end of someone trying to control you for their own happiness.  Really – and being a part of that really creates some negative energy.  So, control what you can—don’t attempt to control what you can’t and really strive to understand the difference.  Many blessings to you—think happy thoughts!

When Spirit Calls - Dedication for Lightworkers

For spiritual individuals (aka light workers) trying to exist normally in everyday life, there are just those indescribable moments where you see the path changing, you start to see Spirit at work rearranging your life for something big and then it comes, the call. You get a sudden opportunity to pick up and go. For some, this happens in a big way and they are suddenly off to another country to help the sick, the displaced and the wounded. For others, the call is not as big and dramatic but Spirit calls and if you answer, it can be both a challenging and rewarding experience.

My first experience with a Spiritual call came some years ago in the early 90’s. 1993 was a rough year. My dad past away and I was dealing with the memories of a dear friend’s 14 mo baby girl’s death on the very same day. Devastating year! Work was stressful and I was still learning how to be a mom. So, things started changing to the point that the Universe began to untangle the ties holding me to where I was physically located and everything in me was pulling me away from my home. I was afraid and sad to go but the pull was strong. When the opportunity made itself clear and the fork in the road was presented, I chose the calling not even knowing what I was in for or why. I moved across country (2800 miles from home) to a new place and I did my best to function. An opportunity arose to help a sweet soul from a terrible situation and that took some time. It took a year there for the real reason I was called across country to present itself. Two wonderful things occurred but the moment they did and things were back on track, Spirit called again and pulled me right back home. It wasn’t a pleasant experience emotionally speaking but as I look back now, I can see it for the truly beautiful lesson it was.

So, that was a long time ago and Spirit has blessed me many times and in ways I cannot even describe here. I’ll just say that often I have seen the hand of Spirit moving in my life, making us safe, protecting us and leading us to other opportunities to help, facilitate healing and even foster my own deep healing. This comes to mind for me this morning because the calling struck me again just this week. That feeling is unmistakable. It’s as if the Universe quietly steps into your life and asks you “Are you ready to go? There is more work to do?” So, I have answered as I always do, “Yes, I will go where you need me to go and do what you need me to do.” This time though I asked where Spirit was guiding me and I was shown. “Very interesting,” I will say. I will be watchful for the “untangling” aspect appearing in my life again and will be praying it is not as hard and difficult as it was in times past but go, I will.

The thing about being a light worker is that we don’t always get to choose what we do. Sometimes we are called to do things. We can choose whether or not to answer the call because there is free will. The thing that strikes me though is that I have been given so many beautiful blessings in this life and I know that at some point soon, I will be able to stop and to rest but for now, I want to answer the call. I want to go and do whatever it is that Spirit is calling me to do. Interestingly enough, Spirit seems to be telling me that I’ve got 3 more of these “space changing” calls to go and then I will be allowed to settle down, build the life I want to build and work on a different sort of healing/calling. I’m excited to be of service, I’m a little nervous about the changes I know are coming but the one thing I’m sure of—we will be taken care of always. Spirit guides and protects all of us as we journey in this life. Nothing beats that feeling of being able to offer service to someone in need, to pick up and go on a new adventure because even though you may be going to someone else who specifically needs the help only you can offer, you gain so much growth, so much experience and begin to peer deeper into the true meaning of life – love! I cannot tell you what a blessing it is. My intent in writing this piece this morning was to share with the other light workers out there a confirmation of Spirit in action and that I’ve also been told many more of you are getting some calls to change location and to not be afraid. You have the power to chose and if you answer the calls, you will be rewarded in some way that only you will come to understand. Even if you choose not to go where you are called, Spirit will understand and will send folks to you to help in another way. The message coming through so strongly this morning is that the Network of Light needs to maintain hope…it needs to continue to build light, foster love and continue healing works in these most difficult of times. When you’ve received a calling in this world, its so hard. We have to exist like everyone else does. We have to continue to move among society like everyone else does. But, we do not look at the world and its material objects and superficial situations like everyone else does. We see the hand of Spirit moving in our lives and the lives of others and we adjust ourselves accordingly for no other reason than to help others around us.

Answering callings and being a light worker is hard sometimes. For most people reading this post the thoughts of “Wow, nutty chick posting here” will abound rampant but that’s okay. For the others who also are light workers, they will read this and they’ll know where I’m coming from because they are on the same path and they’ve experienced the same things and they will consider the message as a confirmation of purpose, a confirmation of hope and a confirmation of love for them. So, I dedicate this post to all of you light workers out there. Keep doing the beautiful work that you so willingly do. Spirit seems to be calling more and more these days and its not our place to discern why but to act in accordance with the laws of love, healing and trust. May you all walk proudly on your journeys-- uplifted by love and joy. We’re on this road together! Peace and many blessings to all of you.

Love and Healing

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We all have walls we’ve built around our hearts.  We built these walls for protection from all the people in the world who have let us down, rejected and hurt us.  And, within those walls lies a veil that separates the true “us” from the world.  We let certain people in from time to time like our children, pets or parents but if someone else gets close, those walls can seem to be spring-loaded popping into action in a split second if someone gets close enough that we have to decide to trust or that we may want to let in.  I’ll let you in on a little secret, I grew up in life with not one but two alcoholic parents, and I had to learn very quickly that you not only need to build those walls but you must permanently live inside of them never letting anyone in for any reason.  It’s a defense mechanism.  It was a matter of emotional survival while I was young.  However, holding on to those walls needed for protection as a child while you are a full grown adult can lead to nothing but a long line of failed relationships or empty ones.

Please understand that I love my parents very much.  I always have, but they did the only things they knew how to do and did not force me to create these defense mechanisms I carried with me into adulthood.  Yes, they were the cause of the root of my relationship problems but it is only me that decided whether to keep the impenetrable walls in place keeping everyone on the outside, trusting no one.  It’s a very lonely existence pretending to be so strong that nothing hurts you.  It’s a painful existence never allowing anyone in close enough to trust them.  I went for years this way without a clue as to what was destroying every relationship I held—friendships, marriages and other relationships.  That is until someone suggested that the disease referred to as alcoholism did not just affect my parents.  It affected me too.  Although they were alcoholics, I had become sick as a result of growing up in an alcoholic home.  This beautiful soul turned a light on in a very dark tunnel and showed me a path that lead to the rooms of Al-Anon.  In those rooms, I learned about the disease that affected my family and ultimately took my father’s life.  I learned about choices, defenses and what it is like to develop healthy coping mechanisms while letting go of those that kept me unhealthy.  I began to see the world as this bright, beautiful and amazing place instead of a scary world filled with untrustworthy inhabitants.

Through the program I learned how my own sickness developed into what they termed “co-dependency.”  To me, co-dependency is just an umbrella term that is used to describe a host of behaviors employed by individuals to emotionally survive the unpredictability of alcoholism (but this can also be applied to aggressive parental figures, emotionally abusive or just abusive parental figures).  We should be proud that we somehow developed these coping mechanisms, whatever they have come to be.  They helped us to survive in a tough space growing up.  But, as adults, we really no longer need to go so far into ourselves that the light of day—the light of love truly cannot penetrate the walls we built.  I will tell you that working through the program and understanding the reasons for my own behavior lead me to a place in my own impenetrable seeming walls where I found a crack.  When I found the crack, I began to pick it apart and disassemble the walls.  My relationships changed at this point.  I began to choose differently, I was able to set boundaries and I began to learn what unconditional love was and wasn’t.  It was an amazing journey and that journey continues today and will for the rest of my life.

For the most part, I live completely outside the walls.  My relationships are richer, more meaningful and for the first time ever, I can tell you not only what it feels like to love unconditionally but I can tell you what it feels like to receive unconditional love.  I would never have known these things had I not taken those first few scary steps outside of the walls.  I realize now those walls were nothing but a self-imposed prison.  I imprisoned myself while trying to protect myself and now I see how that is just no way to live.  When you love with all of your heart without condition, you leave people free to love you for who you are and it becomes easier to separate those in your life who really love you versus those who really just want or need something from you.  You begin to love and trust yourself more as well with each step you take.  Some folks fear that a broken heart is literally the end of the world and that fear keeps them from loving with all of their hearts unconditionally.  I was one of those but I’m so pleased to tell you that I have been reformed.  I’ve seen the light on the other side of the walls and I will never go back.  Even if I risk pain.  I do not fear pain.  Pain is a process.  If you feel pain, you are alive and breathing and your heart is open somewhere.  Going to that place and applying as much self-love as you can is the key that unlocks the door towards healing.  Sometimes the fear of potential pain keeps us from love.  It’s fear and only fear that keeps us from loving and being loved.  How silly is that?  The only thing we have to fear is fear and the funny thing, love is the answer—love is the antidote—love is the cure for fear.

Through other works such as A Course in Miracles, I learned that fear and love cannot exist in the same space.  Where I think I am in a loving state but I am feeling fear, I now know that love is not present.  When I am feeling fear, I do my best to climb right smack into the middle of it, feel it, embrace it and then love myself enough to make that fear go away.  I do not depend on the outside world to give me that because I know that ultimately such actions will lead me right back inside the walls I worked so hard to tear down.  I know that no matter how I feel at any given time, I have choices to make and that I truly have all I need to make myself feel okay in any situation.  A simple walk in nature and seeing beauty is a great way to restore a sense of love, appreciation and self-loving thoughts.  I’m not sure how that works but I know that it does.  My thoughts written this morning are really intended to open the eyes of those who keep themselves from loving and being loved.  Everyone needs love from the time of birth.  Maybe some didn’t get it while young, maybe some feel unworthy to have it in their lives.  But, I tell you, no matter how tough you think you are or need to be—you need love.  So, start by giving it to yourself—start by being loving towards something or someone.  Do it for no other reason than just the sheer joy it will bring you and no matter what, do not fear pain.  Pain can sometimes stem from a fearful ego that remembers abandonment.  But, YOU, do not ever have to abandon you.  No matter what lead you to an unloving space within, YOU have the power to bring true unconditional love back into your life.  YOU have all the tools you will ever need to venture outside the walls, to tear them apart if you want to and decide to trust yourself enough to trust the right people.  More food for thought.

I wish for you all today much love from the inside and out.  I pray that you find a healing space for all of the wounded places in your heart.  I wish for you the pure joy of finding some place in your life where you can give and also receive unconditional love. 





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