For a Season

The moon is full this morning spilling bright silvery light all over what is usually very dark ground and the waves, I can hear, are crashing loudly with abandon on the shore a half block away. It’s cold out this morning and it seems appropriate. I’m raw this morning due to a season of learning with a very special friend I fell in love with but who never knew and I think maybe he didn’t want to know. It’s okay, I’ll treasure the season for it was surely amazing in so many ways. I’ll miss him I think for a very long time.

I learned during this season that you absolutely cannot help who you fall in love with. It just isn’t possible but it is possible to decide whether you should stay or go. I sensed something a few months back I really didn’t want to know so played with denial as long as I could. I just woke up one day and realized I couldn’t do it anymore. What I was looking for in another was love, openness and emotional availability. I couldn’t have that with the man I loved even though I wanted it with all that I am. I tried different ways to cope for me so that I might hold on to the friendship as long as I could but I learned it was just no good. I decided I just couldn’t stay and as absolutely painful as it was to let go, letting go was the right thing for me to do.

I cried myself to sleep last night. As a person with co-dependent personality traits, I’m so challenged when it comes to relationships and love. I love openly but tend to love the people who are not going to be a good fit for me in the long run. I don’t do that on purpose. These are fine people but as time goes by you learn that some things will work and some won’t. It used to be I tried my best to guilt and manipulate people into doing the right thing as I saw it but with this last friend, who I truly loved just the way he was, I saw no reason to fight or to get him to be anything other than exactly who he was. I realized that if who he was caused pain for me, it was my obligation to change and do something different. There was no need for fighting or screaming at him to change because it was hurting me. This was a lesson of expression for me, an opportunity to stand up, although I loved him and tell him that what I wanted was not what I had and that I really needed what I wanted, I don’t fault him and pray that at some level we can remain friends in the strictest sense. I know he will understand because he truly is a wonderful man. He’s just a wonderful man looking for something different than I’m looking for.

The beauty of love, the best parts include honoring your own love for yourself and the actions you take to support love of the self. Taking actions in accord with your truth even if that means being alone is so liberating and freeing. I will be so lonely at times without my friend. He’s been there every weekend for a season and the memories will be bittersweet for a while but I owed myself correct action, I owed myself protection and I owed myself the strength to stand up for me and what I know I need. I could stand up and be right in this situation without making him wrong. Sometimes taking actions in accord with self does not bring instant gratification. It’s more along the lines of an investment that you put effort into and trust that the payoff will be good. My actions to stand up for myself and my truest needs are not feeling pleasant, warm and fuzzy at the moment. I feel raw and painfilled. It’s to be expected and I will pull my way out and I will heal in time and the next time I will respond to something I face that isn’t quite in line with what is best for me even quicker. Although I was a bit disheartened to learn this lesson, I’m grateful it did not take me years to learn it this time. I reacted on a certain issue after a few weeks and then doubt and lack of clarity dwelled for a couple of months. The pain was setting in so I listened to myself, I wrote my friend a letter explaining what was happening with me, what my needs were, how much I really appreciated him and cared about him and then I said I had to go…I had to pursue my dream and heal myself on my own. This was a really tough lessons but I’m glad I learned it, I’m so grateful for this season and I am immeasurably grateful to have met this particular friend. My sincerest hope is that he will be able to maintain contact in time and that I one day hear that he has found the love of a lifetime that he has completely opened himself up to. That would be a wonderful gift and I hope I’m around to see it and share in his joy as a friend.

For now, my sights are set much closer to home. Feeling every ounce of pain, letting it hit and also appreciating the pride I hold for doing the right thing by me. That was no easy task for a person with co-dependent tendencies but although I am still making mistakes, my recognition factor is improving greatly and appropriate action is following more appropriately. That part makes me feel good. That’s what makes this feeling bittersweet. Triumph! I learned a lesson. Oh yeah, but the lesson hurts. But, my actions were true to a demonstration of self-love, finally…that’s good and I’m proud of me. I’ve got to run.

Thought for the day…where are you sacrificing yourself? Where are you ignoring your truth? Are you hurting yourself in any way to help another? If you can say yes to any of these things, get yourself a plan together to stop it as soon as possible. I can tell you that its by far easier, and less painful to do nothing, or so it will seem but if you don’t change these things the pain will be much greater later. Take actions that line up with who you really are and what you really want and be kind in the process where other people are involved, be honest and as sensitive as you can be and pray that your Maker, angels, muses whatever are with you helping guide your words and actions in line with truth. The pain is sweet when you align yourself and correct your actions. Sweet because you are doing something that is ultimately good for you…bitter because well, pain is pain and you will realize at some level that your choices lead you where you are. May you find peace, truth and light in your travels today.

Magnetic Energy

Take one tablet twice daily for relaxation is what the bottle said. Too bad it doesn’t work on the mind. I learned something new last night and the way it came about was interesting so I thought I would share it. Growing up with two alcoholic parents left me with a bag full of co-dependent tendencies that has wreaked havoc on my romantic life for most of my adult life. Some of the traits I identified and worked hard to heal, problem solved and now mostly better. It’s about identifying your natural tendencies and the struggling for awareness and making attempts to curb those natural tendencies when they get triggered that is the key to healing. Eventually, you learn a new way to respond and react and you see some improvement.

One of my lingering traits, I just learned, is attracting folks at an energy level that represent for me a feeling of comfort. Comfort because it is familiar. I’m not talking about attracting alcoholics and drug addicts or dishonest people, I’m talking about people who do to their own issues have become emotionally unavailable. I’m still attracting those but not at a conscious level. I learned last night that we can often attract these people from a pure energy level. I didn’t know that. I was particularly troubled last night thinking about a place I find myself in with a friend who is a wonderful person that I care for very much. But this friend is admittedly emotionally unavailable. I have been so sad about this for a while but because this person is a very kind and good person on the inside, I stick around and wrestle with these feelings like something isn’t quite right and I just can’t seem to put my finger on exactly what the something not quite right is. So, last night I pulled up yahoo without thinking much about it. In the search window, also not thinking much about it, I typed 3 words that popped into my head, “emotionally unavailable people.” The internet angels were at work for sure last night because what I found was an answer to my prayers sort of. I can’t change the situation with my friend but I can understand what it is all about for me. I can understand what I have to do with it and one of the first couple of websites in the resulting search gave me just the right information that I needed to hear.

It seems that people with co-dependent tendencies gravitate energetically to emotionally unavailable people. We actually attract them from an energy level because we are so comfortable with that energy, have so much experience with that energy and it gives us a strange sense of home even though feeling that raises other conflicts for us. As I read the words, epiphany after epiphany dawned and the sadness drained away from my consciousness as I read each word. So, now, I understand why my friend and I had to meet. There was a lesson to learn for me, an important realization. I need to learn to work on my energy so that I no longer attract emotionally unavailable people to me and that I instead begin to draw to me people that are open and loving because that is who I am today. I’ve overcome my mile high walls and I’m no longer one of those emotionally unavailable people. I’m proud to say I’ve made some great strides in that area.

It’s so amazing when understanding dawns on an emotional and confused mind. It lifts the weight of the issue off of your shoulders and place reality squarely in your vision. So, my friend is still a wonderful human being and I’ll always love this person for the many gifts this person has given to me. They are abundant but none so wonderful as the gift given unawares in the form of an important life lesson for me. Energetically, I know how to clear the energy around me because I was drawn to Reiki Master Training some time ago and it dawned on me instantly that this would be a wonderful way to clear my energy of old patterns that truly no longer serve me. The obsessive grip the thoughts held on me yesterday for this situation have left me and today I feel light, giddy and free. I’m not trapped by my past in this at all and my old tactics of continuing the fight to get attention (win the energy) from this emotionally unavailable person no longer consumes me. I still care about this person a great deal because beyond the behind the scenes energy lessons this person is a really good soul and has lessons to learn as well. If this individual was interested in letting go of emotional unavailability I, for one, know how to do that because I did it. I used to lock my heart away never letting anyone in. I don’t do that anymore. I let people in for good or ill and struggle to learn the intended lessons and most of the time I’m successful.

So, now what? How do I deal with this individual in my life that I care for a great deal but who cannot care for me in the same way? I’m not really sure but my focus need not be outward there. The key to this, as always, lies within readjusting my energy level, focusing intently on energetic healing for me and loosening that feeling of home and comfort is important. I left home for a good reason. I left home to find the love I could never get there. I learned along the way that I had to learn to love myself. I had to learn to love myself enough to no longer be affected by people incapable of loving me the way that I needed them too. I so get that today and I most certainly do love myself to disengage that line or tactic my heart was taking to try ever harder to get this individual to love me. I don’t need this person’s love. What I need most right now is my own self-love and care. All the answers we ever really need truly come from within. It’s a hard paradigm shift to manage unless you learn how to do it but once you do you quickly learn its as simple as flicking a light switch on.

Oh my friends I cannot tell you the sheer joy I feel inside for getting the theme of this lesson. It’s been such a hard one for me to deal with. It’s been emotionally draining and now today, I find it emotionally empowering. First things first, I have to be who I am, a loving, kind and caring human being. I cannot cut off my emotions…I have to let them loose, let them out in the open regardless of what the outcome is. I won’t be hurt. I can only be hurt emotionally if I hurt myself here. I’m going to talk with a trusted advisor about what my next steps should be. I know I can intuit them and will but having someone wise in the ways of spirituality does help one sort things out. My message today is about hope restored, lessons realized and preparing for the growth to come as a result.

In your life, if you want to know what lessons are around you, think about the loved ones and people you have drawn to you. You draw them to you to reflect back to you those things you need to work on in order to ensure your happiness and growth. Look at your personal relationships or lack thereof. You don’t have what you want because you are blocking energy or your energy is convoluted. A simple way to clear the pure energy aspect is with a little visual meditation I’ll share with you. Sit comfortably in a chair or lie down. Breathe in deep cleansing breaths imagining each in-breath bringing you relaxation and peace and each out-breath releasing tension, anxiety and pain. See a giant glass pitcher of white sparkling liquid light above your head. See the pitcher pouring the liquid light just above your head and the light entering your crown and slowly filling your body with healing energy and light. As the white sparkling liquid light flows down through your body, see negative energy and pain leaving your body through the soles of your feet dripping down into the earth where it will be transformed and neutralized. Now extend the white light about 10 feet outside your body and just breath in the glowing particles, feel the lightness of the energy. Now call on the Archangel’s Michael and Raphael to assist you by bringing you the violet flame for clearing all traces of negative energy, imagine the two archangels bringing a wand of violet flame and each part coming together just above your head forming a spiral of violet light. See this spinning violet spiral coming in through the top of your head touching every inch of your energy body and clearing away all residue and debris of pain you suffered the whole of your life. Sit with that visual and breathe in the violet light. Imagine now that you are filled with violet light and see that expanding ten feet outside of your body protecting you. Just sit with that for a few moments breathing in and out slowly and purposefully. When you are ready open your eyes, know that you are energetically balanced and ready to face your world. Thank the Archangels for their assistance and know that you can call on them again at any time to help bring you more healing.

That’s it. A simple visual exercise that has a really great impact. I hope you have a peaceful and healthy day. Love and light to you all!

It’s cool here in the dark. The gusting wind has settled now to a gentle consistent breeze. I gaze up at the sky in search of my sparkling friends but don’t find them in abundance as I usually do. Instead, however, I’m mesmerized by a partly cloudy sky, a waxing moon more than half way to full and peace sitting here alone on my swing. I sit here often at night to gain perspective, feel the world from outside of my home and to collect my thoughts. I’m really adrift tonight in a sea of thoughts that are so tangled up I can’t pull them apart to comprehend them. I’m feeling a little numb emotionally. I’m not happy nor am I sad. I don't feel angry or frustrated just something else, this nebulous stasis where nothing is moving. I feel stuck but the frustrating thoughts that would normally accompany such a feeling seem very distant. I know they’re out there on the horizon but they can’t get to me. I feel like I’m right smack in the center of the eye of a large hurricane of emotion. It’s calm and peaceful as if all the troubling emotions are being kept at bay by something strong and unseen.

I’m grateful for the distance of emotion tonight. I have of late been thinking mostly of my troubles, my struggles, my challenges and pain. I could dwell on my woes and worries but I just can’t bring myself to exert the energy to articulate them just now. It’s almost as if somewhere I’m clearly thinking that the more I write about them and tell the story, the more these things are reinforced in my sphere of existence and I can’t say that I’m really on board with doing that any more. Maybe it’s simply time to acknowledge painful things and decide to really let them go, cut all associated cords and just let them fall away. If only doing that would line up the physical sensations and emotions as quickly as the cords were cut. I know it doesn’t work that way. For the most part I think I just have to let go of hope for changing things that cannot be changed. The last cut is not the deepest for sure here and I really must just decide to truly let go. So, here in the dark with the moonlight flooding down through hazy clouds I imagine the cord between me and a certain other individual severed by angels with large glowing swords. Where the cuts have been made I say a prayer for healing those wounds once and for all and I take a deep cleansing breath and let it out slowly, emptying all remnants of the negative energy that connection once held. I’m free at last.

The emotions will wash over me in waves for some time but I’ll be prepared to handle them. The swells are out there beyond the wall of storm clouds I feel and they’ll come close and I’ll relax into it and drift keeping my head above the surface. When you relax into a current it carries you. When you fight it you tire and go under too easily. I’m not going under any more, the weight of the cord has been lifted and already, sitting here alone in the moonlight, I feel so much lighter, a bit relieved but still numb. I feel very alone suddenly. Physically, I’m always surrounded by family, co-workers and friends so I’m not physically alone. This is an imaginary feeling of loneliness. It is not a real feeling and I think it’s my ego frustrated at not having its way or maybe not being able to change anything. It’s okay, that aspect of the being that is me will also get used to change, thinking differently and letting go. I don’t need any self-righteousness complicating my life. I don’t need frustration and pain inflicted on me from a certain direction any more. What I need is this peace. Rather than viewing this numb feeling as something bad, I’m starting to see it as protection. Whatever holds the emotions at bay is also protecting me from being completely overwhelmed so I need to just appreciate that.

There are times in life when the silence is deafening. The silence tonight, out here in the dark is comforting. If I listen real hard I can hear the wind rustling the leaves in the trees. I can hear the tiny metal boxes rushing to destinations with occupants not giving a second thought to their journey. I can hear slight movements of people close by. It feels good knowing my fellow humans are close by and I realize now that my woes are like a tiny grain of sand at the bottom of a sea of other humans with problems more prolific than mine. Again I feel small and insignificant. Maybe that’s part of it too, I don’t want to be insignificant. I know of four souls who will never consider me so and they know that I’ll always feel the same. I have a desire I’m wrestling with and I’m not sure why, perhaps its something I really should also let go of…not forever but just for a time until other areas of my life grow more peaceful.

I send up a prayer in the dark for those who are struggling by far worse than I. I pray for my mom, I pray God has sent a host of angels to watch over her. I say a prayer for my children and for my ability to continue to live up to my responsibilities regarding their love and care. I sit quietly now just relaxing in this temporary place of no movement of significant thoughts. I come to terms with it feeling like it does and realize I should do what I always do, just relax into this feeling, see it as a gift instead of something to worry about and know that my faith and trust in myself, our Maker and my world are strong and all will be well as it always turns out to be for us. Again I look up at the sky grateful for a moment to appreciate the view, for a moment to think, for a moment to acknowledge my path and direction no matter how obscure it might seem at the present. I pull myself up, pause for a moment looking at the lights inside my home. I smile knowing the love that exists in that tiny little place and feel pure gratitude for the opportunity to be at the helm within it. Life might be hard at times for us but love will always keep us together and help us help each other make it through.

My thought for today is that there are just days where the thoughts won’t seem to come. There are days when the problems are apparent and solutions nebulous and dissipating like smoke. There are days when love reigns supreme and there are days you can’t feel it at all. There are days you feel weak and small and there are days where you radiate strength and competence. No matter what the challenge of the day is, one thing is true…you will get through it and the only way to get through it is one breath at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time, one thought at a time. Having faith in life, in God’s plan, in the love you have inside pulling you through both your darkest and brightest hours is key. May God bless you and yours, may He keep you and yours safe, healthy and happy and provide you all with an abundance of love and blessings to comfort you.

I used to be a Rock/I used to be an Island

I remember once a friend played a song for me. It was the song by Simon and Garfunkle, "I am a Rock...I am an Island." That song used to be an inadvertent theme song for me. It defined my actions. I grew up in a world where you could not trust the people you loved and the people you thought loved you. To trust them with your worries and cares meant you’d be hurt, let down and discarded. I learned then that it was important to never need anyone, to do everything alone and on my own and never, ever let anyone in because there just wasn’t anything worth seeing in there any way.

Those were very sad and lonely days. Oh, I played a good game. There weren’t many who knew who I really was except for those that I did allow to get close…the ones that got so close that I had to run away from. I lived my whole life that way. A martyr of sorts is what I was. Taking on life’s hard knocks and dealing with it all on my own. I was a great success and became a very strong and resourceful woman as a result but I was terribly lonely. I held this belief that if I really needed someone they would reject me and not be there for me. Secretly inside I was so needy because I didn’t know how to fill myself up with joy and happiness so I just went without it. Life was all about responsibility, not what I wanted or needed. I didn’t allow myself to need anyone or anything. I couldn’t. I just didn’t have it in me.

I’m not sure what changed it. When my ex played that song for me and said that song was me and I listened to the words for the first time with my heart wide open, I cried. I cried for a month nearly straight. I was so tired, so lonely, so frustrated and I really wanted to change how I thought. I’d test the other way from time to time with people who weren’t worthy of my trust and I was proven right in my old ways until I realized my actions were right but the people I put my trust in were wrong. Then I decided to figure out why my choices were so off. I spun myself back into childhood and analyzed all that went wrong and realized that I was cheated. I should have had parents I could trust and people who loved and cared for me instead of leaving me mostly to care for myself emotionally. I spent a lot of time with an angry 7 year old inside of me, then a rebellious 14 year old and then a lonely self-destructive 21 year old. I dealt with the pains of these significant ages representing rights of passage. I let the pain and anger of these times hit me squarely in the heart with the full realization that I didn’t ever have what I wanted but I sure did get what I needed…some hard life lessons that turned out for the better.

I look back now and don’t feel so much anger. It has long since been healed and I say to myself “it was what it was.” The people around me did the only things they knew how to do. Addicts are too self-centered to give the love and nurturing a child needs but, my parents…God love them, did the perfect thing for me. They showed me what a parent should be. Sometimes they showed me in the positive but mostly they showed me in the negative. My dad taught me the joys of playing with children. He used to pitch me the baseball, play catch, we’d throw the football, shoot the bb gun at targets in the back yard. I learned the importance of parental participation in such things. Those were some of my best memories. Even my mom did some things right. When I was 12, she would buy girly magazines and markers for me and keep me busy by using the markets to draw makeup on the models in the book, paint their nails and draw new clothes for them. She taught me to draw and have a creative outlet. She was very creative and positive in the old days at moments. I learned the importance of quiet time. She also taught me the way to befriend a child and have silly fun. Those were the good moments that I cherish today. I try to think of those moments when my mind drifts to more recent pain-filled events.

I learned that my whole life I just wanted to please some body so they could see that I was good inside and worth their time and effort, their friendship and their love. I didn’t believe that on my own so needed people to help reinforce that for me. I had some success but mostly failure. I finally, eventually, learned how to fill myself up and make myself happy but I had to start at the beginning by seeing where I learned bad habits and triggers and develop new ways to handle myself in the future. I started to work on healing my old wounds and noticed my relationships improved in many ways although they still ultimately ended with letting people go. Again, I let the wrong people in. I think I’ve grown a bit now. I’m single and dating and being selective in how I date and who I date. I’ve got ones I care for and ones that are just friends. I’m enjoying the process of getting to know people and being very open about who I am…I’m just not looking for a man’s approval of who I am in order to find happiness any more. I’ve learned to be happy on my own and have been presented with unique opportunities to learn more about what is out there.

Someday I want to be ready for the right man but I have to learn more about men, learn more about what it is that I want in a partner and then have experiences to help me truly understand what I want. It’s not easy. My old habits involved finding someone, engaging in reciprocal narcissism, mistaking that for love, committing and then one day waking up and feeling like I’m not in love any more and made a mistake. I don’t want to wake up like that again. I want to find someone that I love truly for who they are and someone not interested in engaging my ego but getting to know me, what goes on inside of me, seeing the world from my perspective, trying to understand me and appreciating me for who I really am. I can spot the difference and know when I’m settling for a Bandaid to fill a temporary need. I’m not ready for a serious relationship at the present and that’s not because I’m scared…I think I’m too at risk of engaging in old habits because I’m very emotional…so, I’m taking my time…spending it where I choose to and getting to know new people. I’m letting them in, being real, being who I am instead of morphing into someone they want me to be. That is such a colossal step for me and I’m proud of myself.

Environmental psychology shaped me intensely and severely clipped my wings a long time ago. After finding much healing, I’m finding my wings returning and I’m learning once again how to fly in relationship matters. It’s difficult and I falter quite a bit still but I keep landing on my feet and remaining open to flight. I’m not jumping into anything for a while but rather just trying to get my bearings, see where I’m flying and if nothing else, my vision is growing acute and I’m very in touch with my emotions. I love that. Life is so much richer outside the mile high steel walls I used to pretend weren’t there and hide behind. I’m not hiding any more. It feels strange and sometimes I don’t know what to do or what to say and in such cases I just don’t force it, I just go with the current and observe. It’s interesting, rewarding and the feelings are amazing. I’m free to choose what I want to do with my life and who I want to spend my time with. I like having choices. I like being open and even when it hurts, I’m mindful that the pain is a necessary part of growth for me.

I know that very soon, I will be ready for love. That is ultimately my goal…to find real love, not reciprocal narcissism, not someone to fill a nebulous need I should fill myself and not someone to carry me. I can carry myself but I’m learning now when it’s okay to lean on someone and the right someone’s to lean on. It’s all progress. I’ve been really screwed up in my thinking about relationships for a very long time. I won’t hold back just because I’ve made mistakes though. I’ll fly. I will. And I’ll love with all of me and I’ll know what real love is from another and I will cherish that. I’m almost ready. I’m so close now. It’s a beautiful thing to see where I’ve been and to see where I am now. My thinking has changed so much. I’m grateful for all the loves I’ve had even though I’ve screwed them up something royal. My past loves introduced me to a me I never really knew. From that perspective, I have absolutely no regrets. I may be judged harshly for my mistakes in love and I suppose that is fair. I’m human and I have made mistakes in my past. But I have learned, or at least I think so.

So, clearly my thoughts tonight deal with romantic love and relationships. I’m readying myself for something I’ve never known before. I feel it’s coming and when it does, I wish to cherish every moment, every breath and every movement of it. Words of advice I have, and take its worth for the paper it’s written on, be real, be who you really are and let your potential mate or existing mate see all of you, the invisible broken arms and legs and all. Take accountability for your faults and foibles. Be proud of who you seem to be. Be honest about how you feel about the ones you are with even if they don’t feel the same way. It doesn’t make you less if your feelings are not returned and you still benefit for having loved to begin with. I’m one who believes that it is love that brings us here. It is love that gives us hope, courage and faith and it is love that will always bring us home.

Peace.

Firmer Footing

Cold and alone in the dark
The chill and my twinkling friends
The sky is black and vast
I feel so very small

I’ve too many thoughts just now
All clamoring for conscious recognition
I can almost touch them
But like smoke, they scatter when I reach for them

It’s been a long hard emotional journey
Although life has been infinitely good
The feeling of stasis overwhelms me
I feel a drift in a torrential sea

I stopped struggling some time ago
And let myself sink below the surface
I found the silence a comfort
Even though I felt I couldn’t breathe

Back to basics and appreciation
The gossamer thread that holds my mind in tact
That keeps my heart from shattering
That keeps my soul alive

I can’t give up so keep swimming
I keep treading water at times until I tire
I let the waves crest and wash over me
Here alone in the blackness

Although overwhelmed I am hopeful
I know the dawn is so near
When the first rays touch my skin
Enlightenment will crystallize my view

Until then I’ll just be here
I’ll breathe and just exist
The sun will show me the shore is in reach
And I know I’ll find light and firmer footing

Processing the Painful

Mesmerized by the cold dark morning, I communed once again with my silver sparkling friends. I’m drawn to their faint light in the early hours of the morning no matter the temperature. I went to sleep early last night and woke up way too early. 3:30 am. Such awakenings used to frustrate me but I’m getting used to them now. For some reason, this time of year I tend to wake up an hour before my alarm. Maybe it’s that I need the quiet time of the morning to sort out my thoughts and my body just responds with what it needs most. I’m getting used to it now and learning to appreciate it instead of fight it. I know I’ll be tired later on but that’s okay. Not having a hard time getting to sleep at night has been a blessing this week. Each night as I retire, I have felt as though I have run a marathon.

Emotional stress and strain takes a toll on the body whether you acknowledge it or not. The challenges of the last several years taught me that. I’m ever hopeful for a reprieve so I can work to getting back to normal but then again, maybe this is the new normal for me…learning to operate in a state of anxiety throughout the day. At some point the thoughts will settle without generating anxiety and I will be able to function better without reacting so much to drama. There is a part of me still dealing with anger and frustration with my mother’s sick joke. I guess from her perspective, it isn’t a joke. She’s killing herself with alcohol and maybe it was just all some type of cry for help but in the wrong way. The best course of action for my mom would be an inpatient rehab program. Such a program would provide a year’s worth of food and shelter and many base their fee on one’s ability to pay. She was in such a program but she checked herself out after a week. She doesn’t believe in an alcohol rehab program that won’t let her consume morphine, lortabs and vicodin.

I understand her need for a head change, I understand the need to distance her mind from the pain she generates and I so understand the inner rebellion against anything that would truly help her to maintain life and health. I just don’t agree with it because I’m on the outside and can see the sure death she’ll be met with. I watched my father die from alcoholism. I watched it steal his mind, then his body and then his soul from this life. For him, it seemed to happen so quickly, in 7 months of drinking every day, he died. My mom exists on stealing energy from people and hatred. It’s so sad. She so needs help but you cannot show her compassion as she latches on to it like it’s a pill and expects continual consumption in order to be okay until the one giving her compassion is drained and lifeless and then she attacks them.

I get so sad thinking about her state. I get frustrated thinking about the blame she places on me for ruining her life. I don’t own any of that because her life is the result of her choices…I just removed myself from the soap opera and as of Monday, neither she, nor her sick and twisted friends can call and harass me anymore. My home number will be changed and she won’t have it. It’ll be unlisted. I won’t know what happens to her after that but I have to take care of myself in this, let her go, let these feelings go and work on healing them without her interference. My brother will get all of the calls from here on out. It’s fair. I had to take care of my dad. He can take care of mom. I just can’t have her attacking me for helping her. I can’t subject myself to that much pain.
So, today is going to be a good day. Especially now that I’ve acknowledged these thoughts this morning and let them go. Dealing with the words attached to feeling floating around inside my head always leaves me feeling a little bit lighter. I plan to spend the weekend with family and friends taking care of me and trying to refill myself with the energy that’s been ripped away. Thank God I’ve got friends and family there for me. I cherish that safety net and am grateful that despite all the good reasons I have to not let anyone in, I don’t shut people out any more. I let my friends in and accept their help, wisdom and shoulders willingly until I’m strong enough to take steps on my own. It’s a good thing to allow others to help you but wise never to grow dependent on that. You always must be in a healthy state of being able to walk on your own. When you’re weak and a friend carries you a few steps, that’s fine, just don’t expect it every day. That was my mother’s downfall. She continually gave her power to anyone who gave her sympathy and then demanded they continue to carry her even long after she could have and should have carried herself.

These are my thoughts for the day. A few more, deal with your woes head on and when you need a friend to lean on a bit, let them know…take your steps purposefully and allow yourself to heal and let go of pain, allow yourself time to process and then, watch for the sunlight peeking out from dark storm clouds and eventually you’ll be walking again in the sun. Peace.

Recovering; Thinking

The storm clouds gathered in earnest and rolled in from the coast with a vengeance. A down-pour ensued for hours and then suddenly, a small clearing and shafts of bright light spilled down from the clouds. The clearing grew and more joined in. The sky now spattered with small storm clouds and sunlight glistening on the leaves of the trees, the grass and everything in my view. I took a nice little drive along the coast this morning. I needed some perspective and noticed how my emotions seemed to connect with the storm, rain and tears falling, sunlight, calm, then sprinkles and emotion and then dry and calm. The view was spectacular while I was driving. Huge clouds, dark, ominous and the patches of cerulean blue contrasting in between them. The wet streets throwing mist in every direction. I had the music up so loud I could feel the beat inside of my body and it felt good. I exited all tumultuous thoughts and just focused on being in the moment, letting go of how tired I felt, wanting to cry but knowing no more tears were left within me, feeling empty, lost and just feeling the motion of my truck on highway 1.
It was a good drive, a beautiful view and it was very therapeutic. Last night’s events still sting a bit but the initial shock of it is starting to fade a little around the edges; the sharpness of the pain feeling a little more dull and worn. I had night mares last night and they were horrifying emotionally but in analyzing the details I realized how much hope and guidance were contained in those dreams. I’m grateful now although I wasn’t so happy last night. At some level, I’m stunned that a mother would go so far to destroy a child as to fake her own death just to get even with said child for refusing to rescue her and bail her out of her own decisions and choices. There is no sense of accountability. On one hand I think about how nice it would be to have a mind that worked like that…that makes horrible horrendous decisions to dominate, manipulate and attack your loved ones and then blame them when everything goes wrong, attack them and seek vengeance against them because you destroyed your own life. What a pleasant state of denial to reside within…do bad things, blame everyone else for the bad outcome and then attack your loved ones because you hurt them.

Nah, I just can’t do it. I have to be accountable for the only thing in life I have the power to control…me. I can’t control the thoughts or actions of anyone else but me. When other’s thoughts, actions or words are directed at me, I can choose to react or to respond depending how engaged I choose to let my emotions become. Some of us don’t realize that is a choice. You can break that all apart and look at why you react to something….your ego is involved somehow either over a perceived lack or slight or something and then gets angry or if you’re making assumptions, you get hurt or if you have expectations, you’re disappointed. We’re funny creatures sometimes. I’m very tired today. I didn’t sleep well, I feel mostly peaceful but a bit stirred up. I won’t allow myself to stay in that state and plan to spend the day breathing in some peace and serenity, resting after last night’s upset and just taking care of myself today. It’s amazing what an easy thing that is to do…just have to know when you need to do it…like following an emotional exchange with someone you care about.

This piece was a challenge to finish for some reason. Maybe I didn’t want to stay with the emotions. I started this piece Tuesday and it is now Thursday. I’m much more peaceful and back to my normal routine. The logic has kicked and I’m hoping soon that the emotions will begin to match. I played tennis last night and won 4 out of 6 matches. That felt good. My serves landed where I intended the majority of the time and that felt awesome. I hit the ball well and where I intended the majority of the time. That felt awesome. I think controlling something I could control helped me restore some emotional balance inside and that’s a beautiful thing.

This morning I stepped outside and the air was crisp and cool. My sparkling friends were beginning to fade as an indigo blue sky turns pale. I just stared up at the stars as if they had some answer for me I couldn’t derive on my own. These are really tough times for me but I’m maturing and growing in the process so it can’t be all bad. Someday, I’ll look back and remember this time and be grateful I didn’t let it tear me apart, that I dealt with the pain in a positive way and lived to tell the tale. I started a book about my experience with alcoholism and I think that I shall continue to work on it. It’ll be cathartic if nothing else and maybe, if someone sees fit to publish it, it might give others some hope. Helping someone else through a similar time would make my going through this a bit easier to swallow for some reason.

Well, I’m off to my routine but the thoughts I have for today are this, pain is a part of living life. We’re taught to run from it by society, to ignore it, to stuff it down and pretend everything is fine. That’s not right. We should be taught that throughout the whole of our lives we will encounter joyful and happy times as well as times that will bring us to our knees in pure unadulterated bone crushing pain. It’s okay in either event because it’s all part of learning and living. When the joy strikes, sit in awe and wonder at the emotions and cherish them. When the pain strikes, sit in awe and wonder at the emotions and cherish them. These emotions make you alive. These emotions make you human. These emotions are what connect you to every other human being on the planet. When you do your best to center yourself by accepting and loving yourself in good emotional outbursts and bad, you’ll at least lead a more serene life…you’ll earn your stripes, you’ll find out what you’re made of and who you really are. That can’t be bad in the end right? Today I pray that whatever woes befall you you are able to touch the emotions, calm yourselves, reach out to loved ones or friends for support and allow them to carry you a few steps while you regain your composure. I’m blessed to have that in my life when the going gets tough. I never used to let anyone help me in that regard but I’ve learned through my pain that you do your family and friends a great disservice by not letting them in, not letting them have a chance to be an angel on earth in a moment and you rob them of a chance for growth. The trick is, don’t expect them to carry your load, or heal you or take up your accountability…just a little lean while you catch your breath is all you really need.

Peace.