Seemingly unsettled somewhere deep in my bones, I cannot
help but wish for a greater space of silence and stillness to just be. Unfortunately, it seems this deeper desire
competes with an unconscious one to become so busy, there is no time to think
or just be. Reality speaks in busied
tones these days with too much to do and not near enough time to do it in. Couple this with some unreasonable and
unseasonable bouts of pain related to repetitive motion injury and gosh, life
has become a bit challenging of late.
Were it not for the ability to slip into mindfulness and watch the play
accepting and yet disconnected from the reactionary urges, I’d probably be
quite mad about now.
The sky only begins to lighten the tiniest bit and my coffee
sends up tiny swirls of steam into the cool coming in from my open window. I used to want to figure everything out. I’ve spent hours and hours in contemplation,
writing as I go for some strange reason.
May it is that I have this hope that others who stumble upon my words
will either know they are not alone in their noticings while they live or maybe
I’ll run across someone who has already figured out what calls from seemingly,
the center of my soul. If I stop that
thought I habitually think right there and ask myself to explain, I wonder what
might come through. So, let’s give it a
whirl and see what happens.
So, my soul, most trusted essence of everything that makes
me, me, what is it with this dichotomy of feeling both stasis and a continuing
curiosity to figure things out? What
have you got to say or, maybe, what is it that you seek in this moment?
There is nothing that I seek for I only witness the goings
on of this world connected and then disconnected simultaneously. This is no
thing that I need – no thing that I want, I just am. The dissatisfaction you feel is connected to
regret, this sense of wasted time which is a very skewed perception of what you
think it is that you see, have seen and will see but none of that truly means
anything more than your meandering mind desiring to flex it’s muscle
so-to-speak. Let the mind roam, it will
do no harm and through it, if you pay close attention to the feelings the
process brings you, you may become aware of the things at your core – namely
experiences and your judgmental perceptions of the experiencer that will call
to your attention. Within that attention
you embody the whole and all of its component parts. You can analyze with clarity each of the
parts but you will be unable to calculate them into the whole. A drop in the ocean cannot adequately define
the whole of the ocean as it hasn’t the ability to see past itself in a see of
same creation.
You can let your mind roam over the memories and years and
concern yourself with your perception of time or you can move through it
without such care except for that you most wish to focus upon. We have no needs but to understand satisfaction,
harmony, alignment; imperfect perfection.
The seeming dichotomies you face are not divisive but rather parts of a
clock that perhaps move in different directions and yet the whole of the thing
keeps perfect time. No intervention is
needed unless the clock that is your dream or life is the kind that needs
winding or a battery. Maybe you merely
are in need of recharging and that is actually the center core issue that is
your impetus for curiosity at this time.
Sometimes life is very simple and you merely over-think it.
So, now, slipping back into my normal thought process
reigning in the mind to view what I’ve just written seems to make sense to
me. I understand and an automatic deep
breath comes in and out freely as I read my way through sentences written
without specific thought or direction.
The sky lights more and now the trees outside have returned in
silhouette form to punctuate the darkness with outlines against the faint but
expanding light. The skies are gray yet
this morning but the sun rises even if I can’t see. Some say life is meaningless, others say
there is nothing more meaningful than life.
What is it I believe? I think, in
this moment, my belief doesn’t matter.
Whether I dispute it or give it more energy to query, everything will be
as it is. Curiosity or complacency are
on the same spectrum as is every other type or category of desire, emotion,
even impetus. I think I found
satisfaction in a tiny little moment of freedom gained from letting it all go. Maybe this series of random thoughts will
make more sense as the day progresses.
Maybe they won’t. Either way,
still I breathe and still I hope and still I live.
Whatever it is you think should be will be. Whatever it is you desire you will pursue. There is nothing that you will do to prevent your own growth and progress on this journey that is your dream, your life in this place and space in time. Be still and listen, be still and know, be still and take comfort.
© 2016 Jaie Hart (photo/words)
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