Wandering with Intention

I wander along the pathway my thoughts have created.  I do not know or desire to, where they may lead me.  I'm content just to meander along them sifting through memories and thoughts once held important, dreams laid by the wayside and then there are the hopes.  Hopes and dreams can seem funny things sometimes.  We place much more emphasis on them than we likely should and often we do so from a seeming place of lack.  We aspire to be this or that not realizing we already are that and more.  The realization is funny even though it makes me wince a little.  The pain of this discovery always seems to feel a bit too fresh.  Years of searching, seeking understanding unknowingly and encountering one demolition after another of my poor tattered ego.  Just before I become too distraught with these memories and thoughts I realize what a beautiful thing the destruction of one's ego can be.  If off kilter in even the slightest degree one unknowingly wreaks havoc upon one's own life for reasons we have no conscious cognition of.  Decisions are often made to fend of spectres real or imagined that can truly confound all manner of happiness, logic and reason for a time.  Or, so it may seem.  What if nothing unintended ever really occurred in life? What if every single thing under the sun we encounter and experience was exactly what we intended to experience?

So many questions have I as I continue to wander through the days, years and moments of my life.  Expectations, I've learned have been an utterly ridiculous part of my experience and I laugh as I recall how I've created my own misery with them.  I decide to let go and continue to stay with this curious sway and weight the energy carries as the wandering through my own history continues.  I recall with a smile all scenes and actors even one's I cringed at finding in my play so long ago in my complete lack of understanding.  I realized some time ago that it was I that cast every actor in the scenes of the plays of  my life that I actually scripted, directed and produced.  Again, a tinge of that wincing feeling and soon I notice it's replaced by a permeating peaceful feeling.  All those anxious moments worried I was not living up to the expectations of another, all those times I judged myself by someone else's misplaced words and deeds or how I held those same thoughts towards others truly to no avail...It's so funny to me now.

Although the thoughts now seem to be traveling at lightning speed, behind the smoky anxiety looms a deeper peace and I know it's true source.  No matter what I have seen or experienced, no matter how many missteps that I have seemingly taken, no matter how much I never knew about love I find that am surrounded by it despite my best unconscious efforts to miss it in action.  Love is the very air we breathe and yet we search for it high and low in things, people and places.  We hold it within us, love surrounds us and when we get to the heart of the truth beneath all the layers of lack and loss, we find it waiting right exactly where we left it so very long ago.  A sigh leaves me as I smile at these thoughts and the frenetic manner in which they became a part of my consciousness.  No longer fearful I walk the path now in earnest.  No longer questioning now as I take each step.  No longer worried now I won't find my own light.  I realize it has guided me in every breath and step for the entirety of my life.  In a sense, in a very long and peaceful sense, I've come home.  Blessings of great love and wondrous mental meanderings on your journey dearest souls.  Be brave and courageous as you make your way through your lives.  Don't take too much too seriously and love yourselves and everyone and thing with every step and breath that you take.  You'll make your way and be so glad of it.  You can do it.  What are you waiting for?  Dream, live, laugh and love.  That's what you were born to do.

(c) 2013 Jaie Hart (photo from recruiterpoet.com)