Saturday, September 25, 2010


My consciousness feels as if it is drifting in a seeming dark sea of pure emotion. It is visually dark but it is not dark in the evil sense. This space is just quiet and peaceful, like a place I once saw when my heart stopped beating. It was still, quiet and protective. Like then, it feels like I’m floating. Its an interesting space to be from an observer’s perspective. It doesn’t feel like a place that holds an absence of light…its filled with light too. I think there are those times when a soul has just had too much to bear and so consciousness retreats into this quiet space deep inside. In that space, the stillness speaks in quiet comfort and there is no human drama to contend with. It is just being-ness and solitude and it is as comforting as a soft warm blanket on a cold winter night.

I’ve learned about betrayal in many different facets in a very short period of time. I don’t like the feeling of betrayal but since I cannot control anyone’s behavior but my own, I have to bring my focus to my own expectations. I guess because I do my best to be and act honorable and to hold integrity in the highest regard, I tend to project that onto other people who are just not that. This sounds like a confession and perhaps it is. I’m working through these feelings trying to understand. I do not wish to blame or belittle as that isn’t my way. I wish to understand all of the intricate happenings to make sure that I have not missed one note of this song that was a huge lesson for me. If I have not learned, this lesson will repeat in new faces at another time. Sometimes I feel like I’m not meant for this world. I really am sensitive in more ways than one. I think Jewel has a song with lyrics that say “Be careful with me because I’m sensitive and I’d like to stay that way.” I think like that. I am sensitive and I do not wish to change that aspect of who I am. I would, however, like to gain a greater sophistication in seeing through charming actors and actresses so wounded they must take everyone down with them. It saddens me not that I’ve been betrayed but that they are so low and so diminished as human beings that they would engage in a betrayal without even blinking. There goes the expectation thing again.

So, the one thing I understand now about betrayal (and it took a good week for the anger to subside in order to see this), is that betrayal is not about me. The betrayal is never about the betrayed. That realization immediately cut down the stinging agony of angry tears, truly. So, understanding brings healing and I now understand that in this world there are psychologically damaged, evil and deceitful people. There just are. But, I am in control of how I experience them. I no longer wish to experience them so set my intent that they would be safely removed from my sphere of existence and that they would find the healing sufficient to curb their passive-aggressive and pathological tendencies. I also set my intent that their presence would be replace by light beings. That part was immediately answered. I’m grateful. I’m also just really grateful for the experience I have recently had. I knew when it hit it would be hard and it would hurt but I never gave up hope for a minute that what was happening had a purpose. Like Dr. Christiane Northrup wrote in her affirmations this week, trust that there is a purpose whether or not you understand it and you will grow through the experience. This is true. Over the weeks and months as I process this drama, I will focus on what all the lessons meant and what I learned and gained from the experience. I assure you it will be much more than broken trust and a broken heart. I identify most with those feelings right now but I certainly do not fear them. Pain is a process and I intend to work it in a healthy way with compassion for all involved so that we each can achieve our highest potential in this situation. I can only control mine though and that’s okay with me.

If you are facing a betrayal, my best advice for you is to sit with any intense emotions. Talk to a friend, a counselor or clergy person but do not take any action until your emotion has subsided. As the emotion begins to settle a bit, consider that there may be a universal reason the situation presented itself to you and some good may come from it even if that good is just learning who you can trust and who you can’t. Sometimes these dramatic situations bring new people and better experiences into our lives that we might have missed without the drama. So, too much drama is not a good thing. A little drama might not be so bad if you knew one day something good would come from it. So, consider for a moment that is true. Seek to understand your actions and keep yourself control. Set boundaries where you need to and see yourself first and foremost—healing--from the experience in a healthy way and be completely open to letting go of the anger and embracing healing. In time it will come. How much time is entirely your choice alone.


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