Not sleeping is a hazard of hormones and being forty-something. It’s tiring when it occurs for days on end. The world doesn’t stop so you can rest when you’ve not slept. The obligations continue, the demands are still there and you have to keep going even when you want to run away, far away to a very big and soft comfortable bed and drift off to a wonderful dreamscape for a few more hours. No such luck for a single mother. I think that is a bit challenging at this point in my life. I don’t have the help I need as there is always something more important it seems for people to do than to help. It’s frustrating but it is what it is. What I need most is freedom and it’s always out of reach. There is no escape and holding on to feelings and desires for freedom would only be me torturing me. It cannot be had in this frame nor do I really want total freedom—just a break…but no, that’s not going to happen either. So, acceptance is the only note that can be played at this time. There is a literal complex orchestra playing right now and I can see it and feel it. All of the things in motion in my life right now, none of which I have any control over. Oh goodness does that breed fear. But, fear is not the answer or solution to this equation so, fearful thoughts must be packaged and tossed out with the garbage it really is.
I don’t know specifically what the future holds. I know what I have prepared for and what it is I call to me every day in my thoughts and I’m reminded today to be vigilant with my thoughts. The fear really has to go. The uncertainty right behind it. The doubt…it too must go because these things will become very big barriers to my plans if I let them and I do have a choice here. I cannot control anything in God’s universe but I can control me and I can control my thoughts. So, control I will. I think its just lack of sleep that rattles my normal discipline of my thoughts. Lack of rest and repose weakens me in ways I cannot handle without concentrated effort. There is a root to this challenge that is more than hormonal and that plan is a little way off but it is there—the light at the end of a dismal seeming tunnel. Oh, it’s not all bad and drudgery, it’s just sometimes you have to give up something in order to gain. It’s like doing homework to get an “A” or putting money in the bank for a rainy day. Sometimes you have to put in a painful time, a frustrating time, battle with fervor tumultuous churning thoughts and then, then eventually a break in the clouds and sunlight comes streaming down in big misty rays to warm your heart and fill your soul. So, that’s coming. It’s coming, I know…I trust…I believe. And, so I go—into the day doing what I do not want to do in this moment. I want to go back to bed but today my life is only partially mine. Because of yesterday’s decisions, my life is partly under the control of the material possessions I own. You can’t know what you don’t know and I didn’t know a lot and made decisions in line with that and now I have to pay the piper, literally, figuratively and at the same time, I will make proactive changes so yesterday’s decisions will haunt me no more at some future time. Hopefully, proactive steps and willingness will put out the right vibration to draw to me what it is I really need right now. I must just trust and believe, nothing more and that means the negative, fearful and doubtful thoughts must go now. I set them free to roam somewhere else very far away from me.
What a stream of rambling thoughts. I probably shouldn’t write when I’m this tired. 3:30 am 4 days in a row will do it to you, apparently. So, off with me then. The sooner I start today’s journey, the sooner my truest desire for the moment and beloved destination will be mine as I curl up in my bed, with a good book and drift off to dream. Maybe tomorrow I won’t see 3:33 am. That seems to be the magic number this week…a spiritual reminder that I’m out of balance and must strive to restore it. I love signs and I also love life even when viewed through very tired eyes. I wish you all much success on your journey through life today. I hope it brings you a measure of peace in some way, that you learn something new today and that you discover a little more love you hold inside for the beautiful souls that you are. Good day!!!!
(Photograph Copyright 2009 Jaie Hart)
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