Inside Out

I guess maybe I’ve let the world create in me too much self doubt. Maybe I’ve been abandoned so much that anything that even remotely resembles that act sends the insecurity rocketing skyward. Maybe it’s just me who has abandoned me, I lost touch with who I really was somewhere amongst the mountains of self-doubt, pain, bewilderment and futile attempts at being invisible or being indispensable. I’m not sure what it was or is exactly, I only know I just can’t bear to carry that baggage another day. I think I’ve come to a place where affixing points of origin no longer matters, finding someone to blame is pointless and no matter what was said, done or not said or done, the only conclusion I can come to is I’m sick of feeling like I feel. I’m so tired of feeling not good enough, trying to stand out but not too much, trying to find love but not recognizing it’s truly for me when it’s given to me. I’m tired of not trusting myself and those that matter to me.

So, what to do then? I really don’t know other than doing what I don’t know how to do. But then I think, “How does someone come to know what they don’t know? You can’t know what you don’t know right?” I guess it takes the patience of a special kind of person who knows and sees you for who you are on the inside, who knows you really want to learn to be better and stands by you patiently while you figure it out…not to give you the answers and not to fix you but to stand there and be supportive while you figure it out. Having been with someone terribly insecure about everything I learned that no matter how much reassurance I gave, until this party was willing to trust himself to be loved, there was nothing I could add to that. Oh, I tried but it didn’t matter. Nothing I did was ever good enough. So now I’m in a different role learning that my own insecurity has surfaced and it has surfaced only because I’m learning how to trust. I don’t know how to very well but I intend to learn and I just pray my partner is willing to stand by while I figure it out. Same with security. I create my own security but I have insecure moments when something I see or hear or don’t see or hear takes me back to the past and I react like I did back then. Looking back I can see how wrong it is but in those moments just before the words leave the thoughts inside my head I don’t see. I don’t know why that is and why I have not yet learned to turn a deaf ear to the off-based negative voice inside my own head…the one I know is definitely wrong about me.

What I learned about love growing up is that there is only love when no one is hung over. There is only love when the house is clean, when the dishes are done, when your room is clean. There was only love when you willingly succumbed to manipulation and control without protest in any form. I never felt valued growing up and in fact I only ever felt like a burden to my family. It wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t their intent that I should feel like an outsider from as early as I can remember. I raised myself and my brother without much help from my parents. They tried but had too many other worries to contend with. I used to think that I didn’t know why I felt like an outsider in my own home…but now I do. I was born normal in an abnormal environment and I was shaped by that but now that I know, I can unmake what was made…I just need to learn how.

So, I guess I come to this…logically I know that I cannot trust my environment to reflect back to me what I am. I know that my own security must come from me and what I believe about myself. I no longer have any need to be invisible. I no longer command only conditional love because I no longer only give conditional love. I trust myself to do the right thing for me in any given situation. I may not say the right thing at the right time but I know that eventually I will say and do the right thing to make up for my mistakes. I’m not afraid to say I’m sorry but what I won’t do is apologize for who I am. I’m human, very human and I’m feeling my way through life as best as I can. When learning new things…like how to trust and be secure, I’m bound to make mistakes and I have and do and hope the folks that suffer as a result because they are closest to me when I have a moment understand that deep down I know what I’ve inflicted is what I suffer, that I do not mean to make someone else suffer because of my own fear or inadequacy, insecurity and I will apologize. I hope those closest to me know also that this is not something I intend to do repeatedly throughout my life. I intend to do something about it and make myself whole in the process and am making small strides in many areas every day even if they can’t see it.

It doesn’t matter if they see it in the end. It’s me making the effort and succeeding that matters. I can’t make myself whole just so someone else won’t suffer at my hand. I have to make myself whole because I deserve to be whole and secure. I deserve to know trust and recognize love that’s given to me…I must understand as I seek understanding. There is so much I wish I could change but I can’t go back in time…I can only ever say I’m sorry in general and do my best to pay my amends forward. So, my plan was to matter to someone that matters to me. But I never believed I mattered to the people who mattered to me and I never knew how much that was an insult to them. I didn’t understand and never intended that…they deserved better and I deserved to own the feelings intended for me. I now accept them without question, I now accept them without fear and I won’t reject or disbelieve again when those feelings come from those I deem worthy. That’s a start…it’s called trust. Someone very important to me said some words like that to me once…I remember very clearly…”How ‘bout TRUST me?” Those words sank so deep into my heart at the time and yet its this same person I mistrusted again…and for no reason other than my own insecurity. I’ve been doing so well but other changes had me reverting too old habits without thinking. Guess it’s time to be vigilant…beg for patience while I figure it out and own my stuff…and fix my stuff and go forward knowing who I really am and what I am truly worthy of. I possess strong character, morals, values and goals. I love and value kindness and compassion above most things. I live for those I love and care about. I love to love those I care about. I never give up without trying my best and even when I fail, I still keep trying until I get it right. I say I’m sorry when I screw up or hurt someone. I cry when my friends and loved ones are hurting. I’m too sensitive sometimes but I can achieve these two additional goals that I’ve set for myself…trust and security. They are so intertwined…you cannot have one without the other I think…if you trust yourself, you are secure in your thinking…if you love yourself, trust and security come more easily. Guess I’ve got my work cut out for me but I’m worth the effort. I have that on good authority that I wholeheartedly trust 100 percent.