Haunting

I’m struggling today a little. I feel worn and tired. I’m sitting here in my truck on Pacific Coast Highway listening to the cars go by, Staind on the radio and my own thoughts trying to coalesce into something concrete for me to grab on to. The fog is settling in on the water and reaching with wispy ethereal fingers onto the highway only to be rapidly dispersed by speeding shiny metal boxes with occupants focused intently on some destination, likely unaware of the journey underway.

I feel shaky and unstable today. It feels both physical and emotional even though there is no significant reason for it. Maybe the reason is more significant than I’m willing to admit. Perhaps I’m aware of a certain level of denial I wrap around me like a soft warm blanket that just won’t stave off the chill of a reality I want but I’m not quite ready to feel. Maybe I’ve grown so comfortable with the familiar of one aspect of my life while I stand on the edge of a cliff of impending change that keeps me frozen in time unwilling at some level to take more than a step or two in my chosen direction without frequent steps back. I know I’m retarding my own necessary growth because of simple fear of the unknown or what was once known a very long time ago.

The resulting sensation is struggle and intense feelings of being at war with myself and not wanting to let others down for fear of what they might think of me and the really crazy thing is that I know without question, my first concern should be what I think of me. But then I start to think that maybe its because at some level I don’t think much of me that keeps my desired progress stunted and wanting. At heart I know its not a matter of strength, I’m strong. It feels more like immature rebellion. I just don’t understand the source of it. So, I decided to give myself this one last day to give into the rebellion without battering myself about it and then I’ll be off again, taking steps in my chosen direction, even though I’m unsure of myself and even though I don’t know the way and the fear is strong. I’m stronger than this fear that for some reason I allow to stand in my way temporarily.

I can’t explain why I’m fighting myself here. To others it makes no sense. They just don’t understand. So, I’m underground with this war waging inside…my own personal battle of evil versus good. I know I’ll be victorious as soon as I let it go. I want to let go more than anything. I dream of being successful here and giving up is not an option I’m willing to entertain because that means defeat and I cannot live with that. So, at the moment I’m caught in between desires…one to change and one to remain the same. I can’t move in this moment and I can’t sit still. The beauty of this space in this moment is I’m teetering on the edge in perfect balance. There is a dark peace about it. But, I know me. I know my heart, soul and mind and I will tip the scales in the right direction. There is no better time for change than here and now in this span of moments and the next few.

I know I will let go because I love myself too much not too…too much to hold on to an aspect of my past that never was healthy for me. I’ll choose right but not for anyone else but me. I will give myself this one last day to contemplate the past and what it has brought me…basically nothing but pain and the future and what it will bring me…endless possibilities and I will step into the sunlight tomorrow in the dawn of a new day and I’ll be stronger than the voices of doubt pulling at my mind, wrenching my heart and soul... seeking to destroy my will, my dream…this one small thing that will prove to me that I truly am worthy; that I am as amazing as those close to me so willingly tell me. This one shadow keeps me from seeing what my loved ones see but I know they don’t lie. It’s time to wake up and look into the mirror and admit I am better than this one aspect of my past and give myself permission to see things in a new light and in this new light the shadow of addiction will haunt me no more.