Love And Fear

Love and fear, fear and love. How can I think I feel both when I know it is impossible to have them both at the same time...they are not exact opposites and don't entirely cancel each other out. Well, with one exception...if you think you love someone and then you're afraid, it's not love. It's some indefinable (by laypersons) machination of the ego wanting to be fulfilled and not getting its feed and then fearful of harm through rejection. I can't articulate the thoughts well tonight.

I thought I loved someone unconditionally once. It didn't matter what this person said or did until he hurt me. I know why he did what he did and it didn't really have much to do with me. So, if I can see where it comes from, there should be no hurt feelings...but then the fearful ego stepped in and said wait a minute, you might be the cause and that created doubt and what felt like unconditional love disappeared when the fear stemming from the ego kicked in. Gosh it will take some time to untangle what happened but this I do know and must go back to...love and fear cannot share the same space in your heart. Where there is true love, there is no fear and where there is fear, there is no true love. So, can love replace fear in time? Yes, yes absolutely...but you have to stop with the external thoughts on love and turn them inward. Sounds weird but it works. You forget everything happening or being said in the outside world and you love yourself until the fear fades...then you can venture out again and see the world through the eyes of love instead of through the eyes of fear.

I hope to one day learn what it really means to love unconditionally...I don't have to receive it but I want to learn how to really give it. It's important to me that I learn the difference. I can love my children unconditionally but no one else. That's not good and its deeper into my studies I will go, and I will learn and this fear won't trouble me again once I learn it.

Forgive my rambling sorting thoughts this evening. My poetry is inspired by these two things and so I seek to understand them both a little better. Peace to all.

Choosing Wisely

I choose my battles…
Carefully, most often.
Energy is a precious thing
And I need it just to get by.
What to do when someone challenges you
For choosing battles
Calling you weak?
It hurts and I don’t like it.
But I refuse to change who I am.
I assert myself where I deem appropriate,
Not before or when others believe I should do so.
I hold kindness and compassion as strengths…
Not weakness.
I hold love above confrontation.
Confrontation doesn’t equal communication,
And I communicate just fine.
Why won’t people leave me alone,
Let me be instead of attack my peaceful ways?
I’m no coward…again, I choose my battles.
I don’t understand.
Is the world so cruel, really?
Maybe not the world…
Maybe some people were bullied so..
That they know no other way to communicate.
That is not my battle,
Nor will I spend energy defending myself.
Think what they will.
I’m happy with who I am…
With what I have accomplished.
I just wish I had a little more faith,
To trust 100% that they are wrong.
Thus, a battle of sorts I do choose…
Consideration, contemplation.
My history betrays a moment when I had no voice…
For my younger years I was not permitted to speak
And I learned it was not necessary…
Everything seemed an ego battle any way.
I’m no victim of anyone or anything…
Just a soul, trying to understand,
Considering whether I’ve chosen not to defend wisely.
I believe I have…
And should I lose a friend who thinks me weak,
I’m afraid I had no friend in that soul to begin with.
That’s the sad part.
But life is full of comings and goings, lessons and learning…
No matter how painful.
I resign myself to make no change,
And I decide knowingly,
Fully aware of my approach,
And the success and beautiful rewards I’ve been given.

Love's Bloom

Anticipation
Awaiting love’s bloom
Nothing is sweeter
Breathtaking awe
In time the richness fades
The scent not as sweet
And the petals once soft to touch
Grow fragile and crisp
Wistful memories
Of days gone by
Uncertain of tomorrows
But Spring is not over

Empty Minded

It’s cold in here
I wish I had one ray of sunlight
If I think really hard
I can remember rainbows
I reach out into the dark
I come back empty minded
Wishing for something to hold onto
But there is nothing and no one here
Just me
This night will be long
Dreamless fitful sleep
Tomorrow maybe the confusion will end
I’ll find that ray of sunlight I’ve been searching for
Or better yet
I’ll hear the tune of a mocking bird
That would be perfect
Or butterflies in flight
And I’ll remember these worries mean nothing at all
In the larger scheme of things
This moment will be a heartbeat and gone
And the next will come, my cells a second older
And maybe I won’t care as much as I do right now
Because I’ll find the love within is enough

Wide Open

What dreams may come…
To those who ask for them…
Who hold them in their hearts,
Without any fear.

What love can be felt…
For those who give it,
And seek always and ever…
For nothing in return.

What peace can be had…
By those willing to allow themselves…
To let go of the anxiety and pain,
And self-limiting thoughts.

What beauty can be experienced…
By those who are willing,
To walk in the light…
With their hearts and eyes wide open.

Silence

I don’t care for silence much and stillness makes me anxious.
I guess it’s because when everything stops, those fears and worries…
That lurk inside my heart and soul come springing to life for me to look at.

I don’t like to see these things and I care even less about feeling those things…
But they sit there like a silent hum in the background until it’s quiet,
And then I feel like I’m falling from the center of my soul, I hate it so much.

I’ve done a lot of things wrong in my life but I did the best I could with what I knew At any given moment in my life. When the delusion and denial slipped away I saw
Where I went wrong and I knew where I would go right eventually.

I don’t like being beaten over the head when I’m trying to right things.
So, why do I beat myself so emotionally at times like these?
I don’t understand and I really desire to stop.

“I’m good enough and I have a right to be here,” I think logically.
So, why is it somewhere my heart doesn’t feel that?
Why do I see the negative reflected back at me first inside?

Outside I’m smiling not wanting to trouble anyone…
Feeling that if I did reach out, I’d be met with silence and when I do reach out, often there IS silence.

I understand the source of the issue, its ancient history as far as I'm concerned.
Maybe old habits just die very hard or maybe I've just not done enough introspection
Given myself enough understanding or even allowed myself to fail.

Maybe I should learn to embrace the silence, love the silence and the resulting hum that gnaws at my consciousness...Maybe I should learn what it really means to love me.

Strive

Days of sun and laughter,
Nights of darkness and tears,
But through it all...
I still find life amazing.

Simple much of the time...
Complex and intricate at others,
A constant and continuous
Juxtaposition or maybe dichotomy.

Sometimes I feel quick like lightning,
Powerful like thunder,
Delicate like a butterfly's wings,
Strong and yet flexible like a tree moving in a strong breeze.

No matter what I face,
These emotions hum constantly in the background...
From worries and fears...
But yet hopes and dreams are there too.

When life gets too hard,
I break a little and I might falter,
But always I seem to right myself,
And continue the journey.

"Nothing stays the same"
Used to be a statement that scared me.
But now that I've grown older and maybe a little wiser,
I appreciate that statement for the blessing it really is.