It’s O’Dark Thirty and my little one’s are up, excitement gleaming in their eyes, an absolute search and destroy mission for the goods under the tree. This Christmas has been a little rough. I’ve come down with a really bad head cold and haven’t moved off of the couch much in 2-1/2 days. I was hoping I’d feel better today but no such luck. But, it’s Christmas and my kids are so excited so I’ve got to pretend all is well and keep moving. If I stop for long, I’m afraid I’d be asleep! I think when we’ve been on the go for a long time, the body eventually givse in and demands a rest. So, you just go with it, get the rest you need and the annoying little illnesses pass when your body is rested.
It’s raining this morning and everything will be gray and gloomy today. We’ve not had a wet and raining Christmas in a while being so spoiled here in mostly sunny southern, California. I really can’t complain. Where I live, the average year-around-temperature is 72 degrees. Nice, yeah?! I had hoped for a sunny morning so I could take some pictures down by the beach. I love to go on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. My beach is empty outside of a few souls heeding the call of the ocean just like me. I’ve lived not far from the coast my whole life but never appreciated it much like I do now. Every weekend I take either a drive or a walk to the Huntington Beach Pier, grab a Starbuck’s grande mocha and just watch the swells come in. In the chaotic seeming life of a career-single-mom, the peace of the ocean is an amazing blessing. I get so lost in the scenery and can lose my cares and worries for a time. I may take a drive down there later after I drop the kids off with their dad’s this morning. I can just sit in my car, listen to some Staind (Illusion of Progress is my favorite right now) and watch the rain drops hit my windshield warm and safe inside.
I’m hopeful one of our local Starbuck’s is open this morning. There is usually one open until 3:00 on Christmas day. Down here, everyone loves our local Starbuck’s on Main street and you can see many engaging in their normal morning ritual there without fail! I’m one of them, on the weekends at least.
I’m so tired today. Being sick has really drained me and with this cold attacking both my chest and my sinuses… breathing is a real chore. I’ve learned to appreciate this simple act I normally take for granted in a very big way. I think I’m more grateful for the life I have today having to experience it these last few days with the challenge of the common cold. I wish I could take cold medicine but it actually makes me feel worse than the cold so I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s lots of hot drinks and soup for me…zicam every few hours and mostly vitamins for a diet. At least it keeps my spirits up.
I get to return my house to normal this afternoon. Pack up the Christmas decorations that have been cluttering my tiny little place all month. I wasn’t into putting them up this year knowing how little room we have for them but I had to do it for the little ones. I used to love the process of Christmas decorations but I find as I get older I’m losing interest. It’s more of a chore and I wonder what’s happening to me. I think maybe as the kids get a little older, only one left who still believes in Santa, maybe some of that magic is gone from this season for me. It has been replaced by something else, a season of reflection and gratitude for all of the things that I have. I realized that I need nothing. There is no material possession that fills me with joy…things are just that, things. It’s people that I treasure and the opportunity to love. I’ve got 4 beautiful kids and truly the best friends ever, a great job with absolutely lovely co-workers. I’m really lucky and am feeling that this morning despite feeling sick as a dog, a little bummed out about the rain and feeling so tired. I believe as the day progresses and the fog of early morning wears off (it’s only now 6:00 a.m.), I’ll feel a little better and get busy with my travels, my un-holiday preparations.
My thoughts for today, like most days, surround gratitude…counting blessings and feeling the love I have inside for those I care most about. I really believe that love is both the question and the answer in every situation we face in life…and the mundane things like chores and colds, well, that’s just a challenge we face in life to make us more creative and appreciative I guess. This cold is forcing me into some rest I would not otherwise have engaged in. It’s going to be a great day, as it is every day. Merry Christmas everyone.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
When I'm Ready
I walk alone under storm clouds
It’s cold and its damp
I pull up my coat collar
To defend against the chill
Gusting winds cut right through me
And the air turns colder when the shore is in view
The sand is wet and the sky so dark
A torrential down-pour imminent
In silence I notice the stark scenery
The absence of people off congregating with family and friends
The beach is empty today and I prefer it
It’s just me and a few others like me needing a temporary escape
It’s Christmas Eve day and I’m supposed to be working
But my heart isn’t in it
I’ve lacked attention and focus
For days on end
My mind wanders backwards
Over the past few weeks
Like a whirlwind he blew into my life
And in a short time nearly swept me off my feet
I knew our time would be short before it began
But I didn’t know it would leave me feeling like I do
In the present I miss him so damn much
I think it’s worsened by not knowing when I’ll see him again
I return to my surroundings
The rain drops pulling back my focus
To the reality of this moment
Standing there on the shore in spite of the storm
I’m not afraid of it
I don’t care if it gets me
As long as I can feel my feet on the ground
I’ll make my way back home again when ready
Gratitude and Reflection
I’ve always viewed the holiday season as a time for gratitude, contemplation and planning ahead a little bit. It has nothing to do with the religious aspects of Christmas, although I’m sure that lends some good energy to my thoughts. I think I view the end of the year as a turning point, sort of a “what did I accomplish in the last twelve months” kind of thing. This time last year I went on vacation with my then husband. It started out as a good plan but the marriage had been turning sour for months. It was an opportunity to try to turn things around, talk it through. That wasn’t meant to be because the heat was turned up ten fold with unfounded accusations and from my perspective seeming insanity that served no purpose other than to make me feel as bad as he did inside, a pain he refused to acknowledge and take responsibility for, something he blamed me for and I had nothing to do with it.
I decided then that the end was near. My friends were in favor of trying to save it but I had already tried and it just wasn’t going to happen. I wasn’t strong enough to face a divorce with someone I knew would turn very vindictive and mean on me so had to wait a few months. The sick and hurtful drama perpetuated by my own mother had me so torn apart. ( Another individual who needed help but refused to get it and then made me to blame for not rescuing her). I’ve written about it before, I really did try but my best wasn’t good enough. I learned last December that you can’t rescue people and they will be who they are. You sometimes have to make difficult choices then, and if there is any mental instability in those people, brace yourselves for something difficult. I didn’t linger through the pain long, I looked ahead. I withstood battle after battle, attack after relentless attack and I kept going understanding it wasn’t about me at all. In April I found the courage to begin another ending. I cut ties with both my Mother and my Ex-husband and I didn’t look back except to try to understand the lesson, to make sure I had really learned it. Both situations were thematically similar. Guess it was a big lesson. Two pillars in my life had shattered and only months before the first was obliterated, my job.
I felt so weak and fragile then, emotionally speaking. It was hard to breathe, hard to move, I couldn’t eat nor could I sleep. But I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I took accountability for my actions and grabbed hold of understanding for the hurtful things I could not control. I had to believe the situations I faced were designed to bring me growth even though I could not really see the lessons through the tears of anger and betrayal. The one thing I was proud of wass that I refused to become a victim and I eventually stopped seeing the people involved as villains. Instead I stepped back and realized that from a much higher perspective, there were just things I had to learn, I needed the strength and growth that would come from having solid structures completely shattered and taking baby steps to build them again. I changed phone numbers, moved, got a new job and filed for divorce and began slowly to rebuild my life.
What a difference a year makes. Despite all of the challenges I learned that all the healing focus I’ve engaged in has had a wonderful result. I learned I could love, I learned how to date, I’ve had so much fun and so many new experiences, I have the best friends in the whole-wide world. Were it not for Ginger, Robert and Laura – 3 angels on Earth, Richard – another special soul I met on my journey that brought about some major healing, I don’t know how I would have made it through. They lifted me up, they helped me to focus, they gave me back myself and reminded me how amazing I was even though I couldn’t see it. My friend Scott, although we’ve never met was there too…a wonderful man and excellent listener…we helped pull each other through some of the trips and traps of emotions in divorce…my friend Chris, another I’ve never met also helped by sharing his insights and listening to mine. All angels on earth is the way I think about it. Today on the day of Christmas Eve, I think of them all and how grateful I am to the powers that be for sending them to me and allowing me also to be of service with kindness and love. Oh this group has had some pretty big and very similar challenges this year and I can see why all of our paths converged…we had something we needed from and something to give to each other.
Today, I’ve returned to myself, learned to find solace in my soul, I’m smiling at strangers just because I can, I have hope where I once held nothing but despair and darkness and I’ve healed probably 98% as a result of my efforts and the efforts of my friends. Although the world can seem to represent a challenging place for life, it is amazing and beautiful too. I don’t think I ever purposefully worked towards happiness as that always seemed a bit fickle and illusive to me. This last year I’ve worked only to find peace, find what my center felt like, and truly learned to understand what serenity meant. I learned to move into my soul and view life as if I were an observer of a play, detach emotionally long enough to understand and then step back into the emotions, whatever they may be and work to heal them. I’ve had many opportunities to share the things that I’ve learned this last year and the greatest gift I’ve ever been given is folks who took the time to say thank you, you changed my mind and helped me heal. Really, that has been the most amazing gift and one I plan to continue to give where ever I am called to give it.
The secret of life is truly love and love takes on so many forms. When my friend Laura was diagnosed with breast cancer she knew what I was going through and said she felt bad for leaning on me and I told her I had enough strength for both of us and would be there for whatever she needed. She wrote me yesterday, the kindest words I have ever seen and I cried…not for her gratitude but really just for the opportunity to mean something to someone in that way. She’s doing so well now and she’s almost back to her old self…but even better. I’m so proud of her!
I am absolutely elated as I sit here this morning and think about where I’ve been, where I landed and how I feel in this moment. Every experience I’ve had this last year has hit me with the deepest meaning possible. I can’t say that’s bad or good, it just is what it is and I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn. My thoughts for today surround gratitude, understanding lessons learned, allowing yourself to give and receive love in all of its forms and seeking out serenity and peace no matter what chaotic situation you find yourself in. Sometimes instead of battling, its time to just stand there and experience what is going on (emotionally speaking), step back into your soul a little bit, away from the ego, and try to imagine the themes of the lessons you were meant to be learning. It isn’t easy but I promise you its worth it. When you refuse to learn something a theme will repeat for you until you get it right…oh yeah, then there is that part about the more you learn, the harder and faster the lessons come…but have no fear. If you keep your awareness focused outward and your understanding tuned acutely inward, you can do anything you set your mind to. My thoughts and prayers are with you all that you enjoy a measure of peace as this year comes to a close, that you encounter prosperity in the year to come and above all else this next year fills your heart with love in many forms. Season’s Greetings.
I decided then that the end was near. My friends were in favor of trying to save it but I had already tried and it just wasn’t going to happen. I wasn’t strong enough to face a divorce with someone I knew would turn very vindictive and mean on me so had to wait a few months. The sick and hurtful drama perpetuated by my own mother had me so torn apart. ( Another individual who needed help but refused to get it and then made me to blame for not rescuing her). I’ve written about it before, I really did try but my best wasn’t good enough. I learned last December that you can’t rescue people and they will be who they are. You sometimes have to make difficult choices then, and if there is any mental instability in those people, brace yourselves for something difficult. I didn’t linger through the pain long, I looked ahead. I withstood battle after battle, attack after relentless attack and I kept going understanding it wasn’t about me at all. In April I found the courage to begin another ending. I cut ties with both my Mother and my Ex-husband and I didn’t look back except to try to understand the lesson, to make sure I had really learned it. Both situations were thematically similar. Guess it was a big lesson. Two pillars in my life had shattered and only months before the first was obliterated, my job.
I felt so weak and fragile then, emotionally speaking. It was hard to breathe, hard to move, I couldn’t eat nor could I sleep. But I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I took accountability for my actions and grabbed hold of understanding for the hurtful things I could not control. I had to believe the situations I faced were designed to bring me growth even though I could not really see the lessons through the tears of anger and betrayal. The one thing I was proud of wass that I refused to become a victim and I eventually stopped seeing the people involved as villains. Instead I stepped back and realized that from a much higher perspective, there were just things I had to learn, I needed the strength and growth that would come from having solid structures completely shattered and taking baby steps to build them again. I changed phone numbers, moved, got a new job and filed for divorce and began slowly to rebuild my life.
What a difference a year makes. Despite all of the challenges I learned that all the healing focus I’ve engaged in has had a wonderful result. I learned I could love, I learned how to date, I’ve had so much fun and so many new experiences, I have the best friends in the whole-wide world. Were it not for Ginger, Robert and Laura – 3 angels on Earth, Richard – another special soul I met on my journey that brought about some major healing, I don’t know how I would have made it through. They lifted me up, they helped me to focus, they gave me back myself and reminded me how amazing I was even though I couldn’t see it. My friend Scott, although we’ve never met was there too…a wonderful man and excellent listener…we helped pull each other through some of the trips and traps of emotions in divorce…my friend Chris, another I’ve never met also helped by sharing his insights and listening to mine. All angels on earth is the way I think about it. Today on the day of Christmas Eve, I think of them all and how grateful I am to the powers that be for sending them to me and allowing me also to be of service with kindness and love. Oh this group has had some pretty big and very similar challenges this year and I can see why all of our paths converged…we had something we needed from and something to give to each other.
Today, I’ve returned to myself, learned to find solace in my soul, I’m smiling at strangers just because I can, I have hope where I once held nothing but despair and darkness and I’ve healed probably 98% as a result of my efforts and the efforts of my friends. Although the world can seem to represent a challenging place for life, it is amazing and beautiful too. I don’t think I ever purposefully worked towards happiness as that always seemed a bit fickle and illusive to me. This last year I’ve worked only to find peace, find what my center felt like, and truly learned to understand what serenity meant. I learned to move into my soul and view life as if I were an observer of a play, detach emotionally long enough to understand and then step back into the emotions, whatever they may be and work to heal them. I’ve had many opportunities to share the things that I’ve learned this last year and the greatest gift I’ve ever been given is folks who took the time to say thank you, you changed my mind and helped me heal. Really, that has been the most amazing gift and one I plan to continue to give where ever I am called to give it.
The secret of life is truly love and love takes on so many forms. When my friend Laura was diagnosed with breast cancer she knew what I was going through and said she felt bad for leaning on me and I told her I had enough strength for both of us and would be there for whatever she needed. She wrote me yesterday, the kindest words I have ever seen and I cried…not for her gratitude but really just for the opportunity to mean something to someone in that way. She’s doing so well now and she’s almost back to her old self…but even better. I’m so proud of her!
I am absolutely elated as I sit here this morning and think about where I’ve been, where I landed and how I feel in this moment. Every experience I’ve had this last year has hit me with the deepest meaning possible. I can’t say that’s bad or good, it just is what it is and I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn. My thoughts for today surround gratitude, understanding lessons learned, allowing yourself to give and receive love in all of its forms and seeking out serenity and peace no matter what chaotic situation you find yourself in. Sometimes instead of battling, its time to just stand there and experience what is going on (emotionally speaking), step back into your soul a little bit, away from the ego, and try to imagine the themes of the lessons you were meant to be learning. It isn’t easy but I promise you its worth it. When you refuse to learn something a theme will repeat for you until you get it right…oh yeah, then there is that part about the more you learn, the harder and faster the lessons come…but have no fear. If you keep your awareness focused outward and your understanding tuned acutely inward, you can do anything you set your mind to. My thoughts and prayers are with you all that you enjoy a measure of peace as this year comes to a close, that you encounter prosperity in the year to come and above all else this next year fills your heart with love in many forms. Season’s Greetings.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Rainy Day Thoughts
I woke up to the sound of the rain gently falling outside my bedroom window. At once I felt the cold breeze and remembered that I left the window open. I beat the alarm this morning having had a full night of sleep; peaceful dreaming, warm thoughts but not wanting to move from the warm shelter and comfort of my bed. I got up and showered and made some coffee. Certain thoughts seem to be continually reverberating in my newly conscious mind, wondering, hopeful and ever thoughtful. It seems like California might float away with all of this rain. We’ve needed it so I’m grateful but the rain isn’t my favorite weather.
I’m recalling this morning still, all of the things I’m grateful for. I’m glad I’ve got my health, my children, friends old and new to experience life with. My job is a great source of positive challenge lately and I’m so happy to be doing work that I love. There is something amazing about work. It gives you a sense of purpose and accomplishment when you can muster the ability to do it well and it seems you do it well when you find something in it to enjoy. I’ve had my share of days where the only reason I came in was to the see the people I work with. I’m so lucky to have such a fantastic group of professionals to get through the day with. In fact, it hardly seems like getting through the day at all but more of something I really enjoy. I have to work, don’t get me wrong. Most days I’d rather be at the beach, or writing, or taking a drive along the coast. But, since I’ve got to work, I am grateful that I like what I do and the people I’ve got to do it with.
I’ve had such a long stretch of incredibly thought provoking experiences this last year and I think I’ve learned a lifetime worth of lessons in a mere 12 months. I understand now how the more you learn, the harder and faster the lessons seem to come. I’ve not had a break in that area and probably won’t until the day I die. That’s okay, life is meant to be lived and you might as well learn while you’re living, right? My thoughts leave the lessons behind and return to my warm cup of delicious coffee. I’ve got an easy day today at the office…lots of time to play in my mind and that makes me happy. There is a friend I’m thinking about today, as I have every day for several end to end. I’m wondering, I’m curious, I’m happy and content. Pleasant thoughts I must leave for now to begin my day but they’ll not be far from consciousness.
I think now about all of the friends I have. How nice it is to hear from them, learn about what’s happening in their lives and having the opportunity to learn not only from my own experiences in life but theirs as well. I’m a quick study in some things and I’m grateful for that. I’ve got a heart that although it seems it’s been broken and shattered too many times, feels completely whole and healed for the first time in a little while. I’ve got a pretty bright outlook that I fought to hold through much adversity and seeming chaos but I chose to hold that outlook. I chose hope and sanity. I chose peace and serenity over anger and sadness. Although it’s hard at times, I do practice what I preach when I can keep myself centered no matter what comes my way. Its hard and impossible some days and when that happens you just go with it and know it will pass and when you’re ready to give up anger, guilt and trying to control uncontrollable things, you naturally return to your center. I never really understood that before but I do today.
My thoughts have drifted and scattered like the tiny little rain drops blown in the wind. Time for more logical and rational thoughts held closer so that I can start my day in earnest. I have the same thoughts today that I do most…and that is that life is sometimes a struggle but it too is beautiful. You can change your perspective any time you choose but letting go over controlling the uncontrollable things and choosing peace rather than to become a victim of life or of others lacking scruples, knowledge or morals. Hell, some people are just sick individuals and truly deserve kind thoughts from us instead of feelings of anger and betrayal. You can’t stuff those feelings down when you encounter them. You have to acknowledge them and realize those thoughts originate within you and do not come from any outside sources or individual. We control what we feel ultimately but we just don’t realize that most of the time.
I really better get moving and get my girls off to school and myself off to work. I pray you have a beautiful day filled with magical thoughts, peace and serenity!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Choices Again
It’s a gray, gloomy and misty morning. I’m feeling tired but pasted on a smile as I drove my girls to school. As I turned the last corner, I spied a man on a bus stop bench, sitting in the rain, tipping back a bottle of beer partially wrapped in a paper bag at 8:00 a.m. on a Friday morning. I can’t be certain if it was a “the hair of the dog” thing or a “breakfast of champions” thing and I’m not sure why I wondered at all at first but it caused a twinge of pain for me to see. Almost immediately I knew why. It reminded me of my mom who is likely sipping vodka in her go mug sitting in her car somewhere in Salt Lake City…cold comfort to numb the pain of vengeance ill-gotten in her mind. It’s hard to think about as I sit in my nice warm truck, sipping a Starbuck’s mocha responding to email messages on my pretty red blackberry. The guilty feelings drift away with the ocean breeze as I logically conclude our lot in life is a culmination of the choices that we make.
My attention drifts to the water, strangely calm on a stormy morning. I’m playing witness to a whole host of other people from all walks of life who clearly have made other choices. Not unlike me. I wonder about the traps people lay for themselves engaging in a victim mentality and seeking sympathy to manipulate others for the love that would otherwise be so willingly given. I can understand it for only about 5 seconds and then come right straight back to choices. We chose to be who we are and how we let the world and its events shape us. I think about some of my choices over the past 18 months. I don’t choose sadness anymore. It’s a draining emotion. I choose peace and serenity. When the world as I know it becomes like a torrential rain storm, I seek the eye of it. I let the world just swirl on the periphery and keep my peace in the calm and serenity of refusing to fight nature and circumstance. My eyes have seen too much pain for too long and honestly, there’s not a tear left in me so I smile because I’m alive…because I know what love is…because I know balance and that as sure as the tides push in high they also push back low. It’s a never-ending cycle…life is an infinite circle of meaning and drama…an interesting dance of smiles and tears juxtaposed on an illusion of a real reality.
I come back out of my proliferation of seemingly meaningful thoughts and take in the beautiful view of the Pacific from my favorite place on Earth. I think of a new friend I have made and realize he’s the reason for my smile this morning. I realize too that for the first time in a very long time I’m quite content in my own skin at the moment. The sun is suddenly out and the diamonds are once again dancing on the surface of the water. It’s so very beautiful to behold but I’m tired and will need to make the short trip home in a few moments. I need some rest, more coffee, some vitamins and food…fun right?
I guess my main thought for the day is that sometimes it’s hard if not seemingly impossible to see the beauty and magic of life. But, when that becomes your reality with too much conviction, it’s truly time to shift your perspective. It’s time to find the beauty you’ve been missing in obscure places. Go back, retrace your steps and look for the things you walked by previously oblivious. There you will find a new perspective, maybe something interesting and maybe something important. Peace!
My attention drifts to the water, strangely calm on a stormy morning. I’m playing witness to a whole host of other people from all walks of life who clearly have made other choices. Not unlike me. I wonder about the traps people lay for themselves engaging in a victim mentality and seeking sympathy to manipulate others for the love that would otherwise be so willingly given. I can understand it for only about 5 seconds and then come right straight back to choices. We chose to be who we are and how we let the world and its events shape us. I think about some of my choices over the past 18 months. I don’t choose sadness anymore. It’s a draining emotion. I choose peace and serenity. When the world as I know it becomes like a torrential rain storm, I seek the eye of it. I let the world just swirl on the periphery and keep my peace in the calm and serenity of refusing to fight nature and circumstance. My eyes have seen too much pain for too long and honestly, there’s not a tear left in me so I smile because I’m alive…because I know what love is…because I know balance and that as sure as the tides push in high they also push back low. It’s a never-ending cycle…life is an infinite circle of meaning and drama…an interesting dance of smiles and tears juxtaposed on an illusion of a real reality.
I come back out of my proliferation of seemingly meaningful thoughts and take in the beautiful view of the Pacific from my favorite place on Earth. I think of a new friend I have made and realize he’s the reason for my smile this morning. I realize too that for the first time in a very long time I’m quite content in my own skin at the moment. The sun is suddenly out and the diamonds are once again dancing on the surface of the water. It’s so very beautiful to behold but I’m tired and will need to make the short trip home in a few moments. I need some rest, more coffee, some vitamins and food…fun right?
I guess my main thought for the day is that sometimes it’s hard if not seemingly impossible to see the beauty and magic of life. But, when that becomes your reality with too much conviction, it’s truly time to shift your perspective. It’s time to find the beauty you’ve been missing in obscure places. Go back, retrace your steps and look for the things you walked by previously oblivious. There you will find a new perspective, maybe something interesting and maybe something important. Peace!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Spark Of Hope
Yesterday morning I saw a shooting star in the darkest part of the morning just before dawn. It was beautiful as it shot across the sky. I stood their warm inside my leather jacket with a nice hot cup of coffee in hand. This morning I did the same thing only no shooting stars today. Just a heaviness in my heart for lessons passed, people transitioning from this life to the next, a seven year old Kaylie diagnosed with Leukemia undergoing her first round of chemo therapy this morning, the homeless men down by the Huntington Beach Pier, the "crazy woman" as they call her who sleeps on the beach every night, the party animals chasing the tail of an illusive dragon down at the bars on Main street every night, my brother who has given everything to crystal meth, my dad who gave his life to the bottle, my mom who is working on giving hers to the same master, for the thousands upon thousands being layed off right now just before Christmas, for the families of the soldiers on all sides of conflict, for the stray animals without loving families, for the broken hearted, for the angry and the injured. The weight of the world is by far to heavy for me to carry and so I'm not sure why I try. Maybe it's this big stupid heart of mine that just cannot exist in this life indifferent and oblivious. I wish it could. But then, I wouldn't really be human. So, rather than expend energy feeling sorry for all the down-trodden and troubled, today and for this whole season I'll send energy that the spark of life and hope inside of them all burns brightly, that they find and follow their truth, do their duty to themselves and their families, their countries and more.
The world can be such a big daunting and scary place. Living life can be an arduous task sometimes but it isn't without purpose. I can't tell you what that purpose is but I know with every breath in me there is purpose even if I can't specifically name it. Maybe that's blind faith, I don't really care but it gives me hope to keep on going even on dark days where the thunder clouds tend to follow me around...I enjoy the change in the proverbial weather because the contrast helps me to appreciate warmth and sunshine. You can't appreciate one without the other that defines it...like the dark defining the light, the light defining the dark so-to-speak. It's an interesting way to look at things. The trick, I continually write about is doing our best to maintain a state of equanimity, balance, centeredness whether you are struck with joy or sorrow. You really do get to choose how far from your center you allow your emotions to carry you. Some of us are more challenged than others at asserting that choice but it can be done either on your own or assisted by trained professionals. I wish more would seek out that help but they are afraid, indifferent or in denial. That's okay, send them love...that's all you can do.
My focus must return to my immediate concerns as I get my children ready for school and get myself off to work. I'm grateful for my job and all of the stress that goes with it. I'm grateful to be a mother and for all the stress that goes with it. Both are a labor of love for me that I do truly treasure. Again, warm cup of coffee in hand, a few more sips and I'm out the door. I'll drop off the girls, head for the office with the music up loud. I'll sing to the music, ignore the traffic, watch the gorgeous fiery colors of sunrise and breathe in contentment for the opportunity to be alive. I'll send up prayers for all the folks who need them and I'll give this day the best I can give it and then return to my little family and the peace I feel inside the tiny walls of my little home.
Be peaceful and hopeful today.
The world can be such a big daunting and scary place. Living life can be an arduous task sometimes but it isn't without purpose. I can't tell you what that purpose is but I know with every breath in me there is purpose even if I can't specifically name it. Maybe that's blind faith, I don't really care but it gives me hope to keep on going even on dark days where the thunder clouds tend to follow me around...I enjoy the change in the proverbial weather because the contrast helps me to appreciate warmth and sunshine. You can't appreciate one without the other that defines it...like the dark defining the light, the light defining the dark so-to-speak. It's an interesting way to look at things. The trick, I continually write about is doing our best to maintain a state of equanimity, balance, centeredness whether you are struck with joy or sorrow. You really do get to choose how far from your center you allow your emotions to carry you. Some of us are more challenged than others at asserting that choice but it can be done either on your own or assisted by trained professionals. I wish more would seek out that help but they are afraid, indifferent or in denial. That's okay, send them love...that's all you can do.
My focus must return to my immediate concerns as I get my children ready for school and get myself off to work. I'm grateful for my job and all of the stress that goes with it. I'm grateful to be a mother and for all the stress that goes with it. Both are a labor of love for me that I do truly treasure. Again, warm cup of coffee in hand, a few more sips and I'm out the door. I'll drop off the girls, head for the office with the music up loud. I'll sing to the music, ignore the traffic, watch the gorgeous fiery colors of sunrise and breathe in contentment for the opportunity to be alive. I'll send up prayers for all the folks who need them and I'll give this day the best I can give it and then return to my little family and the peace I feel inside the tiny walls of my little home.
Be peaceful and hopeful today.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Venus
I stepped outside and noticed the sky glowing in neon blue almost as far as the eye can see. Just off to the right, Venus was brilliantly shining and Jupiter quite a bit fainter. The moon is waxing near full again and I feel it's pull. It feels good, amazing and spectacular and at the same time, simply peaceful. I've needed some peace for quite some time and at long last I have it.
I've learned this past year that peace is a choice you make no matter what is happening in life or who is trying to rain on your parade with delusions, lies and ridiculous or horrendous sick fantasies of made up wrong doings to transfer psychological drama away from their accountability where it really belongs (okay...a last vent, yes, done). You find peace when you consider the aggravating sources and summarily dismiss them from your focus as simply not worth it...let them take their drama elsewhere...very far away from me. That's so sad but a reality.
Life goes on, this too shall pass as will we all and everything we think is really important. The only thing you can ever take with you is the love you gave and the love you received. Nothing else really matters.
I'm gonna go watch the stars a bit more. I pray that you have a peaceful and beautiful evening!
I've learned this past year that peace is a choice you make no matter what is happening in life or who is trying to rain on your parade with delusions, lies and ridiculous or horrendous sick fantasies of made up wrong doings to transfer psychological drama away from their accountability where it really belongs (okay...a last vent, yes, done). You find peace when you consider the aggravating sources and summarily dismiss them from your focus as simply not worth it...let them take their drama elsewhere...very far away from me. That's so sad but a reality.
Life goes on, this too shall pass as will we all and everything we think is really important. The only thing you can ever take with you is the love you gave and the love you received. Nothing else really matters.
I'm gonna go watch the stars a bit more. I pray that you have a peaceful and beautiful evening!
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