It’s been so long since I could actually sit down, collect my thoughts and just write. I’ve had a lot of down time this year. A lot of time to think, a lot of time to not think and I have to say, I think I’ve enjoyed the not thinking moments most of all. I wouldn’t be the first to say this has been a challenging year. I’ve lost friends, my Mother, and have been simply bewildered by much of life as I greeted each day. But, I greeted each day. I held gratitude, hope and even faith when I didn’t really seem to have much of a reason to do so.
I had no big plans for this year. After the big change of moving state’s from last year, I really just wanted to coast a bit, learn to sleep in a little, relax a little and forget about capturing the world of my experience in words and pictures as I had become accustom to doing for so long. I have been working on just being here now in whatever moment I have faced. Being present and mindful has saved me from harsh emotions, terrible regrets and traumatizing experiences. It didn’t make them go away but it taught me how to be with the feelings, the thoughts and the energy without judgement. It’s been surreal.
For the remainder of this year, I plan to just keep doing what I’ve been doing…resting, relaxing, doing nothing. I’ve been an over-achiever for most of my life. I was never happy just being. It used to feel like a fate worse than death to have no plans, nothing to look forward to and nothing fun or exciting waiting just around the corner. I get excited about Saturday morning coffee after waking without an alarm. Goofing off, staying in, going out briefly for short-masked trips here and there in this new world we now live in. I’ve learned to cut my own hair pretty well and to create from what I have instead of buying everything. Definitely a new approach.
It’s strange. I’ve been on this planet for only 54 years and I still have no idea why I’m here. I guess I thought when I hit my 50’s I’d know. I’m starting to just become accepting of the fact that everything may, in fact, be just completely random and no matter what happens, I have to just completely trust myself to manage whatever it is I experience in this life. I didn’t have that in my 20’, 30’s or 40’s. Now in my 50’s, I know where I’m going…some day. I’ll leave this Earth. So, I’m not in a rush. I’m glad to slow down and treasure every moment of work stress, collaboration, and smile just for the pure experience of it. I count my blessings every day, grateful for the strength to accomplish all of the things in my life that I have accomplished and I know there is much more life to accomplish. I just don’t have the egotistical drive to do whatever that may be perfectly, first or better/best. I have learned to trust that I always do my best and I do it for no one else but me.
I don’t have any deep emotional troubles I’m trying to figure out or understand. I think somewhere all of this mindful thought has given me the strength to accept me for me, trust myself to do what is the right thing for me and not to worry about who I must defend that too. If I have to defend anything, there is no real use explaining. Let people think what they want to about me because in reality, what people think in terms of judgement of me doesn’t really have anything to do with me.
I think I like my 50’s now that I approach the half way mark. I’d say it’s brought me a lot of acceptance, a lot of understanding, less striving and much more being. I have questions and big thoughts but I’m just not as interested in sharing them these days. I have more interest in the process I go through myself. I love that. I have nothing more to prove. I just want to be. How did this happen? When did it happen? I just don’t know but I’ll tell you, I’m grateful to take a breath, take a walk, have a little lie in unplanned…be lazy sometimes, do nothing sometimes and just enjoy life. I’m enjoying life. I hope you are too.
Blessings of great acceptance to you for all that you are, all that you’ve done and all that you are, have and will become.