Life can some times be a challenge, can’t it? People are
sometimes vexing to the core and others ultimately self-less giving whatever
they can to a moment. It is hard to be
compassionate sometimes. It is hard not
to get caught up in someone else’s wake of chaos and negativity. But, I must
let you in on one of life’s many secrets, and while it may be really hard to
grasp – it’s no less than true – you get caught up in it to the extent you have
something really important to learn about yourself.
Its true what they say – that every person comes into your
life for a reason…even that guy who just mercilessly cut you off on the
highway. The trick is trying to
understand what that core-level urge within you that gets so angry and frustrated
is really trying to tell you. Some will
say, “You have the right to get angry when one treats you so
discourteously.” Sure, why not.? We have
many rights in this world. But, at some
point, you may become unhinged by everything that is happening around you –
rude holiday shoppers, woefully unaware drivers and the throngs of thoughtless
words spoken by folks unaware (or insidiously – fully aware) in a moment their
words might hurt.
At the end of the day, you get to decide how you want to
experience your days. Believe it or don’t, you have a choice in terms of how
you want to experience a moment. You can
do it nutted up with anger and frustration or you can let go of the expectation
that people will behave with common decency (remember – if decency where
actually common – wouldn’t every one possess it)? So, the world of humans and their
interactions and behavior will, at times, be completely opposite to yours and
what you think is right or wrong in a moment.
But, it’s that tiny little space within you that immediately spools up
is just exactly the thing the encounter is intended to teach you about.
What is it about the interaction that really upset you? Break it down. Are you tired? Are you hungry? Are you frustrated? Are you in a hurry? Notice that not one of these questions focuses
at all on what the other person did. Do
you want to know why? Because you do not
have the power to control anyone else that crosses your path but you do have
the power to control you and your own reactions as well as behavior. Do you need a nap? Do you need a time out? Do you need to chill out a second? We’ve all done unthinking things at one time
or another. So, you can’t blame everyone
for doing something without thinking about it.
To do so is missing a really great opportunity to take accountability by
looking within. Consider, is there a
theme of certain kinds of behavior in others that always brings you from a
simmer to a boil? Why? What exactly is it about that kind of
behavior that gets to you? Why do you
let it get to you? Is it worth
continuing your life letting other people control your reaction in this
way? It is handing your power to other
people. Do you want to continue giving
your power away?
Listen, it’s okay to get mad and frustrated. But, but, but, before you act on that feeling,
I promise you that it will always be a thousand times better to sit with it and
fully experience it reflecting without doing a single thing about it than it
would be to get angry or retaliate in some way.
I read a social media post not long ago about someone driving in their
own lane, minding their own business when another car was coming into the lane
without looking creating a potential wreck situation. The driver already in the lane honked to let
the other driver know they were there.
This person, who was acting carelessly then retaliated for being honked
at and then sped up to get into the lane safely and then break-checked the
driver who was in the lane several times.
This is the perfect example of twisted psychology in action. The driver trying to merge in unsafely got
honked at and likely felt bad with some level of self-frustration – so then,
proceeded to get even with the other person for reminding them of their unsafe
behavior. Listen, these kinds of things
can really escalate and needlessly so.
This retaliation game of escalating is really a waste of human
energy. There are lots of other choices
that could have been made without wrecking the experience in that particular
moment for everyone driving near either driver. The negativity impacted more
than just the two drivers.
But, you see, there will always be unthinking people doing
things dangerously. Sometimes when you
remind them, you become the object of their self-anger and you experience the
retaliation for their poor choices. But,
you can disengage. You can be with your
own feelings without taking action that might escalate beyond anyone’s ability
to save life or limb. I don’t mean to
take a passive approach – this isn’t about cowardice. This is about the realization that acting in
a moment when a psychological filter has seemingly unconsciously taken over
might be a bad idea and getting peaceful with yourself before taking
action. Then, choosing a constructive
approach to continuing whatever it is you were doing. Of course, you can take on the mantel of
savior of the world and brake-checking everyone else’s bad behavior but
consider the outlay of energy necessary for that. Is it really worth it? Is that how you want to choose to
behave? Is there another way you can
manage yourself?
Sometimes we can’t get out of the way. Bad things will
happen. There isn’t anything that we can
do to change the bad behavior of others.
Some people, believe it or not, are simply un-teachable and will
continue the bull-in china shop approach to life. When I encounter them, I pull back and
disengage. I don’t feel like becoming
part of the wreckage (if that can be avoided by my choices). So, well, to be honest, I get frustrated
too. Peopling is hard when you’re on the
road, when you’re shopping, working or even at a family gathering. I merely suggest there are alternatives in
our choices. You can get mad and fight
back. You can go toe-to-toe and match
punch with punch. It’s your life, do
what you want. But, if you don’t want to
live your life in a continually triggered state, you’ve got to understand your
triggers. What about this experience or
that experience triggers you? Do you
need a nap, a cookie, a counselor, a hug, a friend, a quiet chill out
moment? It’s up to you to take the
opportunity or not. Not is okay too if
you’re okay with that. Just know there
are always alternative choices even when the emotions have been triggered. You can choose not to react and pull yourself
back until you figure out how you would most like to constructively
respond. It’s an option. I’m not judging. I’m just saying that there are many choices.
Look, there is a reason that it is said, “Patience is a
virtue.” The experience of patience, compassion, and the ability to pause when
you feel like reacting are very powerful moments to experience. When you are in a space of accountability for
self – understanding of others – patience for those less knowledgeable or aware
as you – taking a breath – this is how you maintain your power instead of
spilling energy out everywhere unthinkingly.
Did you know? Well, now you
do. Again, you’ll get no judgment from
me on your individual choices. I really
do understand. We all have choices and
every choice we make has a lesson for us.
But, certain life lessons will continue to repeat until we understand
them. Sometimes, until we understand the
reason certain people and situations present themselves to us and frustrate or
anger us, it can be a really painful set of experiences. I wish you many moments of perfect pauses for
quick contemplation that allow you to breathe, understand and respond to your
experiences. I wish you much personal power and full realization of your life
experiences. I wish you an ever
increasingly satisfactory set of human interactions. Enjoy your life. Live. Love. Understand. Bless.
© 2019, photo and words.
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