Saturday, June 13, 2009

Random Musings

When I was in my twenties, I only wanted to hear about how hot men thought I was. Silly foolish girl and my how things have changed. Twenty years later and I still love to hear a man tell me I'm hot but the one that impresses me will be the one who sees me for who I really am and makes sure I know that he knows my value is by far greater than just what my body can do for him.

Sun falling slowly across the western sky, clouds welling with moisture but not heavy enough for rain, green grass, 4 bare feet as my six year old and I turn cartwheels in the back yard. The sheer joy of hearing her laugh as I show her how and then she puts on an amazing show for me. I am peacefully elated.

I worked hard today and did the best I could. I didn't do things perfectly and there was a time I'd have gone home nutted up with anxiety. But I'm just not that girl any more. I'm a woman who knows what's important, like cutting herself some slack and appreciating effort and progress instead of demanding perfection from herself.

I came home and grabbed a wine cooler from the fridge. It was hard to open it and I got it done. I sat down to catch up on email and took one sip. I was in such a peaceful and balanced state, I couldn't take another sip...primarily not wanting anything to screw with my serenity. I promptly dumped it down the drain, took out the comet and scrubbed my sink. When I was done, I was elated.

Finally gone from me is the urge to focus my energy outward for love. After nearly 43 years on this planet, I learned that such searches are pointless. Real, true and unadulterated love comes from only one source...right inside the heart of mankind...each, individually. Only when you can find it there, can you give it and truly appreciate it when another human being gives it to you.

The sun is set after a brief appearance in my world. Inside my heart the sun always seems to be shining. I like how that feels and I'm glad it didn't take a drug, alcohol, or a man to bring me to this place. I brought myself to this dance and will gladly dance my life away and go home with the one I came with.

Enough of my random musings for now. If you read this far, bless you, you're a good soul. May you be filled with peace and love in every extreme imaginable.

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