Love Without Condition

 

Love does not seek to manipulate
Love does not seek to control
Love does not demand guilt
Love does not seek security through changing another

Love is patient
Love is kind
Love is freedom to be who you are
Love  accepts

Love does not demand love on it's own terms
Love does not extract vengeance
Love does not put down or harm
Love doesn't lie or judge

Love forgives
Love lets you live
Love even lets go in love
Love truly loves

Perception and Filters

This morning I’m thinking about life and how I view it. It was actually the above picture I took that reminded me. It’s a distorted view of a beautiful blue sky through drops of water that collected on the moon roof of my truck. As I caught it with my camera, I knew I had to write about the thought that occurred. So, I sum up the thought with: “We see the world not as it really is but as it appears to be based on our filters of experience that form our perception of what we see.” Think about that for a moment. It is an amazing truth. Why do you think no two people experience the same view or situation the exact same way? It’s because their perceptions are so intricately unique that they can only see the basics of the view the same but not the whole of the thing they perceive.

So, as often I do, I extrapolate this thought across to human relations and interactions. People do things or don’t do things concerning us and we see that not as they may really be but as we presume, assume and perceive them to be. Because of our own internal filters, we may take insult or injury where none was intended and then we react to that perceived slight, insult or injury with vengeance, silence or healthy discussion. The latter is often not even a consideration at all because we assume that everyone perceives the world and situations as we do. That is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves and yet, we line our emotions up with that in a heartbeat every time we perceive any form of rejection or think we are being minimized by someone’s actions (or lack thereof). Oh goodness! We could save ourselves so much drama, pain and wasted energy if we’d only realize that every single person on the planet has different experiences that shape how they respond to the world. So, given the very valid fact that our perceptions are all uniquely different and our ability to correctly see what is really there beyond our perception is limited, there is no way any of us should ever judge another soul. Nor should we take a perceived slight, insult or injury as something to react to without validating with 100 percent certainty that what we perceive is fact and not fiction.

Have you heard or thought this about the actions of another? “I cannot believe he did that. I would never do such I thing. I would have been more considerate, kind, thoughtful, etc.” That statement is 100 percent validation that you are perceiving some ones’ actions through YOUR filters and may not be seeing reality. You are assuming that because someone doesn’t do something the way you would, the other person is insensitive, unkind and lacking compassion. Without validating with the other person, you would not know his perception of the scenario which is entirely likely to be completely different than how you perceived it.
The real answer when this problem presents itself is having a firm belief that there is nothing anyone could ever say or do that could ever take away from who you are. People who behave poorly are potentially just behaving poorly based on their own perceptions. You don’t have to react. If you really feel it’s necessary, make a statement not in judgment, which is passive but in feeling by owning what is happening (e.g., when you do this it seems like X, is that true?). Start a dialog with an intent to solve but not to win to restore your ego. Remember, nothing anyone does or says can ever take away from who you are. That means that no matter what someone says or does there is no need to take offense. People who hurt—hurt people. So, when someone is hurting someone else, chances are they are in pain and lashing out. Getting even only causes them more pain and any ego validation of participating in something like that will only create negative energy for you in the bigger scheme. Remember when mom or dad said, “Be the bigger person and just walk away?” That is great advice. You lose nothing by walking away if that is what you must do. You also lose nothing by not taking attempts to insult or hurt you personally. But, you gain immeasurably when you refuse to engage in emotional drama, when you can use compassion from the soul instead of pain from the ego, and when you can respond to someone proactively instead of defensively reacting.

You have to remember your filters. Your filters will always cause you to perceive things a certain way. That is just who you are. However, you also have a wealth of collective wisdom within your soul that will permit you to take a few seconds and consider words and actions before taking action in reaction to someone else. When you make good use of those few seconds and create a loving space for yourself to consider whether you are seeing things as they truly are instead of how you perceive them to be, you create more healing space around your own inner pain. This is important because it will allow you to heal your inner pain and slow down unhealthy reactions. I’ve put this one into practice. I read a great book once which will always be on my shelf. It’s by Byron Katie and it’s titled, “I Need Your Love. Is that True?” If you struggle with this topic as I do, as we all do, I strongly recommend reading this book. It’ll really go a long way to reinforce some positive ways to address this automatic assumption thing we all do and line emotions up with. The good news is that it can be healed and you can live differently despite your perceptions.

I hope you have a clear and real day! Many blessings and much healing!

Cloudy Day; No Cloudy Thoughts

I went to sleep last night to the cadence of a gentle rain falling steadily.  I was so very grateful to be tucked in safe and sound in my little sanctuary, called home.  Sleep was dreamless but I awoke feeling as if I hadn’t slept at all…outside the rain was still gently falling so I went back to sleep realizing it was Saturday and I had nowhere to be.  I woke up an hour later and the rain was still falling.  I love rainy days.  They give me an excuse to stay indoors and rest and after a busy hectic week, staying indoors, resting and relaxing is just what I need.  Over coffee, I jotted down all my “to-dos” on little note cards and filed them so I could give myself permission to rest.  All was well, peaceful and then the wind chimes outside…hauntingly beautiful tune playing in the breeze in between the sound of the rain drops.  Ahhhh, peace.

 Not wanting to be a hermit all day, I took a drive by the beach.  My favorite route was blocked for some reason but I would not be deterred today.  I found an alternate route and took it casually.  At long last, the ocean came into full and amazing view.  The storm had cleared a little bit and all I could see were glistening tides, undulating swells, diamonds dancing across the tops of the waves, gray skies interspersed with sparkling sunshine.  I pulled into the lot that runs right along Pacific Coast Highway just as someone else was pulling out.  They  even left me 12 minutes on the meter.  Perfect!  I grabbed my camera and keys, took one more sip of my Starbuck’s decaf grande mocha with whip and stepped out of my girly truck.  Instantly the breeze hit me and it was refreshing to say the least.  I walked from the parking lot, crossed the bike path and oh goodness what a beautiful view.  I stood there motionless for a good 5 minutes.  The ocean is so beautiful when it’s stormy.  I snapped a few pictures to remember this amazing view and then just stood there catching wispy shafts of glorious sunlight.  I closed my eyes and just listened to the powerful crashing of the waves on the shore, flapping wings, gull’s calling and people talking softly.  It was a powerful and healing moment standing there silent listening to a world of amazing sounds.  They were almost as amazing as the view.

When the world is spinning way too fast, it’s times like these I’m incredibly grateful to be who I am and where I am.  Nothing replenishes my spirit like a trip to the local coast to momentarily become lost in glorious scenery. 

 It’s so important to find ways to take mini time outs from your life to replenish your soul, refill your spirit and feel the beauty of nature.  It restores balance to your thoughts, to your physical being and definitely to your emotions.  If the coast doesn’t do it for you, find somewhere or something that does and make time for yourself to go and do and most importantly, enjoy.

 May you be blessed with peace, appreciation and rest this day.

Prioritizing Tasks and Obligations

Meandering thoughts have taken me through many aspects of life this morning and the way we humans live and react to what we are presented with.  I'm dealing with a heavy load of stress on several fronts.  Being the kind of person that I am, stress is toxic for me and it is not possible for me to shut down and walk away from the stressful things I've encountered.  So, I have no choice but to consider the true source of the stress.  I was so surprised to become very cognizant of the fact that my stress is not a result of external factors.  That is an illusion.  My stress is a result of my own resistance to what is going on and that resistance results from my own desire for perfection on certain fronts.

For me, I don't like to do anything half way.  But, when presented with a proverbial sea of deadlines that cannot be moved or delegated and with only so many hours in a day, you have no choice other than to get very efficient at prioritizing and allotting specified amounts of time to certain activities and then moving on to keep all things in motion to completion that must be kept in motion to completion.  However, you cannot be efficient nor can you be effective if you are reeling and overwhelmed by volumes of tasks.  Besides that, it just isn't healthy for anyone to feel stressed, be stressed or identified with stress because it changes your vibration and just brings you more of what you don't want.

So, the trick is to "accept" the volume and what you have to do.  Plan and organize your approach to tasks and follow your plan to a T.  Decide what is the most important and which of those important things demand the most of your time and care.  Also discern what really must be attacked in a given moment and consider where some tasks could use additional assistance and solicit that assistance.  If your volume is truly beyond your capacity, communication must occur with the receiver of the deliverables of your tasks (if a bill is going to be late, call...if a project is going to be delayed, get to the receiver of the end product and inform...if family chores cannot be completed, solicit familial assistance).

So, we can't solve all tasks at once.  You can only do one thing at a time so there is no sense in stressing about what you cannot get done.   That is a vibration that brings you more work.  You have to affirm yourself that you are capable and willing to get through what you must and you can do so in a relaxed and calm state of mind doing what you can do, not doing what you can't and soliciting assistance where that is necessary.  Setting our own expectations (or reducing them as the case may be) is the key to reducing our stress. 

The other night, after a stressful day I thought about my daughter's bedroom...it's a mess and I started to stress about that.  So, I asked myself, "In all the things that you must do and think about right now, where does worrying about that mess fall into the priority list?"  My immediate response was, "It is at the bottom of the list."  Then I stressed about upcoming bills that haven't yet been paid and I asked myself, "Of all the things you need to think about right now, is that really something you need to worry about?  In the priority list, where do those fall?"   My immediate response was, "I can tackle those this weekend."  Then, my thoughts were stressing me out about paying taxes and so I asked myself again, "Of all the things that you must think about right now, is that really at the top of the list or can you prioritize and get that done over the weekend?"  The answer was "yes" and I could put that thought down.  Now, to make sure I did not forget about all the things I thought about, I pulled out some 3x5 cards and wrote down the tasks (Thanks Ginger for this hot tip) and prioritized them in the order they must be tackled.  As soon as I did that, the stressful thoughts subsided and I was actually able to sleep.  I could put the stressful task-thoughts out of my head once I planned and prioritized them.  Later, I will pick up each card and carry out the tasks I identified and they will get done on time. :)

We all want to get the things done that we must.  However, it isn't necessary for us to think of those things all the time.  Create a plan for getting important things done and trust in your ability to respond to each thing or task you have prioritized as important.  Then, just jot them down and come back to them when you're ready to tackle them.  In the mean-time, there are some very important things you must do for you while taking on large volumes of tasks whether at home or work:

1.  What tasks are you doing that should be done by others?  (Delegate those tasks post haste).
2.  Are you eating healthy? (Eat healthy immediately to help alleviate potential stress on your body).
3.  Are you drinking too much? (Stop...again, to help alleviate potential stress on your body).
4.  Are you getting enough sleep? (If not, schedule 7-8 hours in every night).
5.  Are you getting any exercise? (If not, go take a 15 minute walk).
6.  Are you affirming yourself as a capable and successful individual? (If not, do it right now!)
7.  Are your thoughts in any way negative?  (YOU MUST CREATE MORE POSITIVE Thoughts so you can change your vibration and feel better immediately.  Don't tell yourself to "STOP thinking negative."  Instead tell yourself "REFOCUS ON THE POSITIVE").
8.  Are you making any time for inexpensive pleasurable things?  (If not, do that...draw, write, talk to friends, hug your family members, play with a pet, write a poem, read a book for a few minutes and give yourself this treat to help balance the "feel good" emotions...smile...smiling helps).
9.  Are you trying to be perfect?  (Stop, you are perfectly imperfect and it's okay to make mistakes and fail sometimes...that's how you learn).
10.  Are there mean, demanding and snappish people in your environment?  (If yes, know that their meanness, demanding and snappish behavior is NOT about you...so no matter what, do not take it personally.  Your value is not dictated by the judgment of other people.   THIS is a fact you should remember and you don't have to get defensive or fight back.  Just reset your thoughts on this.  Realize how miserable someone who is mean, demanding and snappish is.  Truly...that's a fact.

So, stress can be managed fairly easily but you have to make yourself willing to entertain those thoughts and believe them and feel good about you.  Reward and acknowledge yourself for the things you are getting done and keep a positive attitude.  If you need to vent, find a friend and do it but just don't over-identify with the stressful behavior and work your thoughts quickly back to silver linings to create positive thoughts.

So, I've got a very busy day today but I am going to laugh and smile and do my best to accomplish only that which must be accomplished.  At the end of the day, I will reward myself for a job well done.  I hope you have a great day!

Focus

If you continually find your point of focus is on the negative parts of your life, abundant bills, low checking balance, frustration with family, friends, traffic, work and the world at large, what do you think you are asking the universe to send you more of? You guessed it…reinforcement of all of those negatives. It is of vital importance that you shift your focus to gratitude, do things that make you feel good about you and find something to do or see that makes you happy. Then see money coming in abundance, see bills taken care of, see family stepping up and taking control of the things you may be doing too much of for them.

Make no mistake…what you think about most, you draw to you. Like attracts like in more important ways than you can possibly imagine. If you are ill, see yourself well and not dwelling on the pain or illness. If you are broke, see yourself comfortably making ends meet and be open to new ideas that will help that come to fruition and do your part physically to create that reality, if you are frustrated by family and friends it may simply be time to set boundaries—so set them lovingly. Be careful how you discuss your struggles and your motivation for doing so. Are you telling stories of woe to invoke sympathy in others?...to thoughtfully consider other solutions?...to vent?...to get someone elses perspective? How you talk about negative things and your motivation for doing so dictates whether you will draw more negativity to you or helpful solutions.

If you are not careful with your thoughts and focus, you invite your woes to become a part of who you are and once that happens and you’ve identified over-much with those woes, you will have a very difficult time overcoming them and will always be in a depressed reactive state in life. You won’t be affirmatively creating happiness. You will be creating a continual battle. So stop and rethink your thoughts, your stories and the things that are happening to you. Life doesn’t throw you curve balls because you’re unworthy of getting the ones that come right into the sweet spot that you could knock right out of the park. Life throws you curve balls to get your creativity flowing. You can believe in victors and villains and you might be justified based on your perspective but from such a perspective you are not participating in life. Life, with such thoughts, is something happening to you instead of something you are living. So, stop it. It is that simple. Just stop it and decide to affirmatively participate in your life…shift to a higher focus, one with meaning, one with inspiration, one that affords you more opportunities. The only thing that holds you back is your thoughts.

So, focus on the positive and think creatively about solving negative challenges and you will begin to notice a shift in how you feel. Looking for silver linings is not something people in denial of reality do. It’s something smart people do so they can maintain focus on the positive, remain open to happiness and abundance and actually create happiness and abundance in their lives.

Focus on the positive, create in the affirmative and be serene, happy and grateful for the wonderful things you do have and the wonderful things that are uniquely you! Much love and many blessings.

Attention People Pleasers

Ahem, you know who you are…the beautiful kind souls that resist every conflict by sacrificing a part of your very souls in order to make sure everyone continues to love and care for you.  So, people pleasing can make you many friends and admirers but it can also leave you plenty exhausted.  It’s hard work being kind to everyone, saying yes to everyone while denying or even losing sight of your own wants and needs.  So, take a break today.  For just one day, know this:  You have a right to be here.  You have the right to be loved without doing anything for anyone.  You do not need the praise of others as an indicator of your incredible value in this world.  You do not have to sacrifice yourself for anyone else ever.

So, somewhere along the way…maybe in childhood, you learned that the only way for you to feel loved or be loved, respected or honored was if you selflessly took care of other people—people who should have had the brains and sense enough to respect you and honor you for who you were.  Now, those people likely did not know the unintended consequences of their actions.  So, to get along and to feel good, you sacrificed your authenticity for people who did not know about unconditional love and respect.  So, all of that is over now.  Those tactics you learned way back when no longer need to be employed today.  You don’t have to please everyone any more.  Right now, I give you permission (and you must too) to please yourself first.  If you are not happy, how on Earth could you influence anyone else’s happiness?  Really!  So, today, do something that you want to do and tell others that they must wait.  Do something for yourself.

If there are those around you who refuse to take care of themselves and expect you to step up and take care of them instead, just step back and create some loving space for them to come to their senses.  If they don’t and they lash out at you verbally …realize that just isn’t about you, it’s about them.  Be strong and do not take criticism to heart unless you truly believe it has a basis in reality.  Stop taking care of everyone and take care of yourself.  You learned how, right?  How will others learn to do that wonderful thing for themselves if you do everything for everyone? 

Today I challenge you to put down the burden of taking care of everyone else at the expense of yourself.  I challenge you to stop, think and consider what would truly make you happy and give you a sense of fulfillment and what would fill you up with love and happiness without involving other people.  Do those things or that thing first today and let others fend for themselves.  IT IS NOT SELFISH!  Hear this…If others continually expect you to take care of them (and I’m talking legal adults here) and you stop, and they get angry because you stopped and they have the audacity to call you selfish…think about it…who is more selfish?  You, who is just trying to take care of yourself or them who refuse to take care of themselves and demand you do it for them?  Really!  It isn’t right that other people demand you continually do things, care for and support everyone else when they should and could do that for themselves as a show of love.  That’s possession, emotional slavery and so many more ugly words.  Sometimes people don’t know better.  So before you get defensive when the people you continually go above and beyond for get angry or upset that you are taking care of you first today, step back and don’t react to what they say…reassert your focus on taking care of you…reassert your knowledge that you have the right to be here…to be loved and respected for existing…to be considered when conflict is raised instead of continually expected to sacrifice your authenticity to make conflict go away.

Now, if you like the feeling of putting down the burden and those around you just cannot accept it, they have choices to make and so do you.  You can go back to care-taking and exhaustion and maintain the status quo or you can lovingly assert your new found freedom and let others take accountability for themselves.  Sometimes when you decide to stop “people pleasing,” the people who continually demand that of you will either shape up or leave you.  If they shape up, fantastic.  If they leave, it may hurt but its for the best.  It’s better to be alone than in bad company.  But alone isn’t a challenge for long.  Once you start to respect yourself, hold others accountable in a loving way and treat yourself with love and respect, you will draw to you people who will love and respect you for who you are and not what you can do for them.

Okay, that’s my rant for the day.  And, BTW, I am a reformed people pleaser.  I have had loved ones leave me, verbally attack and vindictively get even with me for deciding to take care of myself instead of carrying them.  It hurts but I’m accountable for me…they are accountable for themselves…I love them but I’m prepared to let go of anyone in my life regardless of their position if they will not treat me with love and respect.  Its because of that that I am surrounded by wonderful and amazing family members and friends that do love and respect me for who I am and not what I can do for them.  I treat them with that very same love and respect.   (Also, I’m not saying you should never lend someone a hand…but in that hand that you lend…be certain of your own motivation for helping, be certain that you are not creating unhealthy dependencies in others, be certain that you are helping in a way that teaches people to fish and not to be continually dependent on you to eat, be certain to set loving boundaries, reasonable boundaries and no matter what, be authentically you and know, it’s okay to be you).  Okay, I’m really done with my rant now.  If you’ve got comments or stories to share on this topic, I’d love to hear them.  Take good care of you today and put yourself first, honor yourself first, love yourself first and then you can truly love, honor and help others in a healthy way.  Peace!

Feelin Good and Thinking Positive

Life can be so challenging sometimes. There are so many things happening all at once and with society forcing us into multi-tasking in epic proportions every day always. How does a soul have any time to “fill back up?” I’ll tell you it’s damn hard some days. It really is. But there is a little short cut and one that is easy for everyone to do. Do something you really like to do every day even if its just for a few moments. That something could be walking outside in nature and just breathing in fresh air or soaking in sunlight, gardening, taking pictures, writing, reading, cooking or exercise. You just have to find that one thing that makes you feel good and do it every day.

We were not sent here to pay for all of the sins of man-kind and so are condemned and forced to accept suffering as its dished out by life. The real objective, I believe, is to take all the conflict, adversity and pain or suffering and transform it into something useful or good. Maybe it’s a simple realization that pain or suffering has a message for you…a life-lesson to teach you. Maybe it’s to show you how bad life can be if you allow yourself nothing but suffering reinforced by negative thoughts. Thinking positive is a good remedy but in order to reap it’s real benefits, you really have to find some things to do to make you feel good.

I love to write and document the crazy things I see, feel and internalize. That makes me feel good. I also love to look for beauty in the world and capture it with my camera. I love to read and talk with friends. I love taking care of my kids and cleaning my house even. These are things that give me a feeling of accomplishment, a sense of usefulness and a sense of peace. When I feel good, I can keep thinking positive and the world around me becomes more positive. I had a long stretch this past week were I did not have time to do the things I loved and negative thinking set in fast unfettered with no defense and suddenly I found myself feeling really bad. The real antidote for me came by spending time alone and recuperating from a busy week, reading good books and getting outside to shoot pictures of a gorgeous sunrise or sunset before I went to work. Thank goodness the dark day last just that…a day. I know that positive thinking is just one step. The next is getting yourself to a place where you feel good. When you feel good, those positive thoughts are easier to believe and put more energy into and when you couple positive thoughts and good feelings, there are no limits to what you can do.

Our limits are just that…ours. They are our perceptions and perspectives. So, think your way through them, around them or make them disappear so you can think more positive thoughts about what you see, you can loosen the stranglehold that limited thoughts and perceptions can place on you and then get out there and have a great day, every day!