Lonely Sinking Feeling

Cowboy Junkies
“Lonely Sinking Feeling
She says, 'i'm getting that lonely sinking feeling,
You know what I mean? '
With his hand on her back he's thinking,
'where does that leave me? '
Just when I think I've uncovered the secret
To peace and tranquility
That lonely sinking feeling creeps up on me…”


So, who hasn’t been here before? You know the feeling, that lonely sinking feeling that sneaks up on you, envelopes you and leaves you feeling so empty. Panic sets in, you want to run, you want to hide, you want to drink it away, work it away and just get as far away from it as possible. But, you can’t. At least not for long. You can’t escape that feeling. The only thing that you can do is settle yourself down right smack in the middle of that feeling and just feel it. It’s okay to feel empty and it’s okay to feel sad about feeling empty but you don’t necessarily have to do anything about it. When you sit right back into that feeling and realize that it’s okay to feel lonely, its okay to feel empty and it’s okay to feel sad there is no panic. We have these lonely sinking feelings come over us all now and then. We’re supposed to feel this way occasionally. We take on a lot, we do a lot, we ignore what’s going on inside of us a lot and sometimes that feeling needs to get very strong until we pay attention to it and understand what its really trying to say to us. If we don’t sit with the feeling and try to hear it’s wisdom, we may prolong our agony or we may make some pretty devastating decisions in our resulting panic. It’s not a good way to go.

Sometimes there is nothing wrong…our bodies are just adjusting to change and so we can respond by listening, by resting, by slowing down, being kinder and gentler with ourselves, eating better and maybe even taking vitamins…getting sunlight or exercise gently. If it is emotional, listening can lead us to the source, the core and once there we can uncover what is within our power to change to help accept the feelings. Sometimes the only answer or only solution is to find forgiveness…forgiveness for the universe, forgiveness for those in your past or present or simple forgiveness for yourself. There was a time in my life where that lonely sinking and anxious feeling settled over my soul. I panicked and felt something was really wrong. I fought that feeling with everything in me and all I got for my trouble was 6 months of insomnia. No bueno! I learned that there were some very important things trying to get my attention, things I had stuffed down, things I had run from and things I was choosing to ignore. I learned that panic on top of those feelings was not helpful. I learned that if I sat with the feeling it would eventually pass and there was no need for panic.

I don’t like waking up to feeling down or sad but now I know, when these feelings wash over me, there are thoughts at the core, judgments being made by me about me or there are things I’m holding onto I shouldn’t be holding onto. So, I get very still and I listen for as long as it takes to hear what it is my body and soul are trying to tell me. I’m kind to myself during such times and I find where I’m being hasty, in denial or otherwise not taking good care of myself. I adjust my thoughts. I adjust my diet. I adjust my exercise schedule. All of these things I do to help restore balance and then I can hear that still small voice that has been drowned out too long. If you can’t sit with the feeling on your own, I strongly suggest counseling to help you get to the core of what your body and soul are trying to tell you and then relax and let the process work and eventually you’ll start to feel the heaviness lift, the loneliness drift to the background and emptiness starting to fill with laughter and sunlight. Just like an injury…if you tense up, the pain is worse…it’s like that with those lonely, sinking and empty feelings too. Relax into them…don’t fight them and instead try to listen to what you body, mind or soul is trying to tell you. If you relax into the feelings instead of fight them and truly try to understand what is at the core and then finish up by taking healthy, appropriate and legal steps to right imbalances (and this has nothing ever to do with hurting yourself or anyone else) that lonely sinking and empty feeling will leave you.

Be well and be peaceful.

I Wonder....

Emotion...is it real or is it an illusion? I know that it feels real and that the vast majority of us act on emotion but what is it really? I'm no psych major so please don't expect that I'm about to dig into the psychology of the emotions or the ego. I think the ego may serve it's purpose but it's view is always wrong. Why? Because it generates emotion based on assumptions it likes to call thoughts. You might think that a jaded view but stick with me for just a minute and think about this. We often think of feelings as facts without checking those facts before we spring unwarily into action. That is so unfortunate for so many reasons. Well, that is if you are not a conflict/adrenaline junkie. I believe that feelings are mostly an illusion. Our feelings are based on our perception of something or someone. Our feelings are based on our perception of ourselves. Our feelings are based on our experience...based on our outcomes. Our feelings are based, often, on assumptions that have yet to be validated.

So, how can we tell if a feeling is real, whether the emotion is something we should take to heart or if we should trust what we're feeling at all? Well, fact check your emotions and feelings before you act. Simple right? Not so fast. It gets rather complicated turning our focus to our own thoughts and observing them from a place of detachment long enough to determine which thoughts are based on truth as we see it or which ones are based on assumptions. When you find the assumptions (here's a clue...double check the ones that involve you feeling anything negative about you), deconstruct them with pure and simple logic by asking yourself one simple question...are you ready? Okay, here it is, "Are the thoughts generating my emotions real?" Then, follow up with another question, "How do my thoughts are real thoughts or assumptions?" Consider yourself a detective gathering facts for a court case. As a detective you must validate every fact or it will be of no use for the impending court case. If a fact is not valid, you cannot use it and if you cannot use it, the emotions attached to it must not be real. If the emotions are not real because the facts aren't all checked, the emotion is an illusion and you can let go of that emotion.

So, I'll give you an example. You are driving on the freeway. A woman comes from the right hand side of the freeway, very fast and nearly takes off your bumper. Your thoughts..."That stupid idiot tried to kill me!" Maybe it makes you very angry. Well, let's deconstruct that thought. Do we know for a fact the person is stupid? What they did was probably not the best choice they could have made but it doesn't really make them stupid. So, we can't validate the stupidity. Is the person an idiot? It seems like it from their recent action but we really don't know them so we can't say for sure that the person who just cut you off is an idiot. On the last piece, did the person really try to kill you? Can you say they had intent to kill you with 100% certainty or is there a possibility this individual was distracted by something (probably emotional...LOL) and was careless? When the incident first happens, we could tend to be quite angry because we assumed someone was stupid and tried to kill us. You can line all of your thoughts up with that and chase the woman down, pull her over and yell at her, but what if you're wrong? What if you pulled her over and screamed at her and you noticed she was crying. She tells you she is sorry but she was rushing to the hospital because her child is in the emergency room and she has to get there fast before its too late. How bad might you feel for acting on your assumptions? You have a choice in what you allow yourself to feel and I'm not talking about denying your feelings. I'm talking about checking your "facts" before you let those "facts" give birth to your emotions.

There are many other examples I could give. The romantic arena provides plenty of fodder for this type of discussion. So, the next time you make an assumption and line up feelings about your partner...ask your self some questions like the ones above, discern whether your feelings are fact or assumption based and then act accordingly. Why? Well, because if we all acted on assumptions and we later determine our assumptions are wrong, we have doubled the negative emotions flowing in the world and it just becomes a horrible mess not only for you but now, someone else. It can be avoided if you are so inclined to have such interest.

So, I no longer believe that my feelings are facts. My feelings are based on the thoughts I allow myself to entertain. I don't like negative thoughts or emotions because it wastes the time I could be enjoying life with. So, I sort out the good from the bad by asking questions. Is this true? How do I know? Can I confirm with 100% certainty. If I can't validate my facts, I cut off the emotion and categorize the whole thing as questions I might just need to have answered...staying open to the possibility that I cannot assume or surmise the answers without going to the source.

Just some food for thought.

Taking long walks through long lonely hallways in my own mind. It's been an incredibly enlightening journey...one I won't soon forget. What I found was an immeasurable well of strength, of love, of understanding. What I found was acceptance for things not as they could be but as they are. I found faults and foibles...gifts and magic. I found quiet stillness that was not frightening. I found the sun, the moon and the stars. I found life. I found meaning, understanding and even wisdom. I learned close is never close enough. Settling for less is not a sacrifice I can make long term...I learned that you should love with all of your heart or not at all...trust with all of your heart or not at all. Interesting journey...painful journey...rewarding journey...freedom at last.

...or so at the moment it seems. I have never been afraid of love but that's only because I have never been afraid of pain. Pain and love, love and pain...amazingly intertwined...that's the expectation one should have if engaging the heart. There is no finer reward. Having said that there are times I wonder just how many romantic starting overs I have left in me. I don't think I really have doubts that I won't stop until I find what I'm looking for and the thing is, I am looking for something. I've felt as though I've completed the part of love that I was looking for within and I'm always looking for that one person who can accept me for who I am as I accept others for who they are. That's called unconditional love. I've recently learned how to give it...what can destroy it...how to heal it...hehehe, it actually takes more love. Interesting.

Any how, those are my thoughts today. I'm not sure if they're good thoughts but they do feel good at the moment and feeling good is a welcome change of late. I appreciate it immensely, now...mocha time! Peace!

Pain

I want to talk about pain for a minute. A post I just sent to someone reminded me there was a topic I wanted to post about here...Pain. Pain is a feared and dreaded thing. In fact, most of us do some really crazy things to avoid pain. We stay in relationships, jobs and in friendships longer than we should to avoid what?...Pain. Well, here's the problem with that line of thinking. Pain is the great transformer, the great raiser of opportunity, and the great impetus for necessary change. Without pain prompting us to close doors on aspects or people in our lives that are no longer with us or good for us, we would not move onto the things and people we were meant to move onto.

I'm wrestling a fair bit with an ending and although I've closed the door and I don't fear the pain, it is still very difficult. I've embraced the pain. In fact, I welcomed her like a long lost friend when she came knocking...she was long over due and I'm grateful to have her here with me now...because that means I've achieved another level of much needed development, I've transcended the fog and muck I mired myself in for too long and now I'm ready to understand the lesson, let go and lock that damn door behind me (at least on one particular lesson). I don't hold any hatred or anger with the person on whom I had to close a door. I hold great love for this person but it was a situation that was NOT meant to be...at least not long term. A part of me always knew it. A part of me knew I had compromised too far and it was time I set things right for me for my own peace of mind and soul. No regrets.

So, now I sit here in the aftermath telling myself "I told you so" and "What took you so long?" LOL I don't know the answers to that other than I often see things not as they are but as they could be. That's a beautiful thing to hold such optimism, to see the best in everyone and everything but there are draw backs...like forgetting the pain of a harsh reality...and that pain was really screaming for attention, screaming for changes to be made for my ultimate good. I'm glad I heeded that call, finally. So, now I can sit with these waves of emotion, these waves of sadness and allow to grow within me a new hope for a new door or opportunity in time. I already see it coming, it's just a little further up the road but I'm in no hurry. Right here, in this moment is where me, my thoughts and my heart belong.

It's not right to rush the current moment, the current moment is all we have. In fact, when I stay very present in the moment, I don't hurt so much. It's only when I look back or try to look ahead. In this moment, I am not anxious or frenetic, I am peaceful, I am whole and complete. I have hard won lessons in my heart and I'm grateful because I know that although some of those lessons were painful, I will never close off my heart. My heart is always open and I'm so proud of that. Love is the answer to everything but sometimes its not the kin of love you think. Sometimes the best friend for pain is love...self love, gentleness, loving thoughts and deeds from the self for the self. Healing sets in then, lessons coalesce into real tangible thoughts and then opportunities and change come in like a warm summer breeze.

So, yeah, I'm in pain currently but I'm also in a state of grace, a state of self-love, a state of forgiveness and a state of hope. It hurts a lot sometimes but then the good things are still there too and I smile sometimes with tears in my eyes because I won't panic when I feel pain. I know pain is just one aspect of the journey I must contend with, embrace, accept and plan for. But also, I must plan for joy, self-discovery, happiness and change. These are all good things. It's a fine day to be in a little pain and it's also a fine day to let it go. (sigh)(smiles)

Contemplating the Seasons

It’s at this time of year I notice the sun’s position in the sky, realize the leaves on the tree once bright green are fading and notice the light’s daily display is a little bit shorter. The Summer is fading fast and soon the Fall will be on our door steps. It’s usually at these brief moments that I pause and look back. I think of the Summer fun I’ve had, the Summers of recent past and long-past. Technology has brought an amazing sense of happiness while thinking of those Summers long past since reconnecting with my dear childhood friends, my high school friends and then, folks I somehow lost touch with or the new people I’ve connected with.

This Summer has been filled with smiles and excitement. So much so that any disappointments that may have arisen are by far over shadowed. It’s been a good Summer and while I may be a little wistful at seeing it start to come to a close, I’m prepared to embrace the next season, Fall. Fall is my most favorite season of all. That feeling the Spring brings most people is lost on me. The Fall puts me in that heady, romantic and dreamy state for reasons I just don’t understand. Maybe it’s the cooler nights that eventually set in, maybe it’s the visible shedding of things past and the preparation for the bare nakedness of Winter…the moments just before rebirth. I’m not sure but Fall seems to be that season where I can let all of the things I’ve learned, good or bad fall away from the places in my heart and mind that I’ve collected them. As the leaves fall from the trees, the pain of lessons learned, the intense emotions of happiness and fun drop away as well leaving me centered, neutral and completely stable with my thoughts. It’s like a pause to relax, acknowledge and then slowly begin to move forward into Winter’s slumber.

This year has been an amazingly good year. So many triumph’s, milestones and lessons learned. Being drawn into the next two seasons leaves me feeling peaceful and accomplished. I see the changes all around me and embrace those changes with a completely open heart and mind. I won’t be carried away by politics, emotional drama or the pressures of the world that are not mine to take in. I will stand tall, accomplished, happy, proud of my progress, grateful for friends and family and simply enjoy this next season. My hope for everyone is that they might pause to think for a moment about the year’s progress, personal achievements, lessons learned (even if painful) and realize as the leaves fall from the trees, you can use such a time as a visual representation for letting go of the pain and disappointments from memories past, allow new thoughts and ideas to develop over the Winter and spring into fruition in just a few short months. May you all find a measure of happiness at any time of the year’s seasons, at any time in the season’s of your life. All moments are beautiful moments, all memories are beautiful memories and all lessons are beautiful lessons.

Loneliness

I read a study today that indicates loneliness is bad for your health. Staying in a lonely marriage is bad for your health. Extroverts need friends more than introverts to avoid being lonely. I’m reading all of this and I cannot help but wonder if we continue to point at the finger pointing at the moon instead of looking at the moon. Stay with me here a moment and think about this. Is loneliness a real feeling or emotion or is it a perception that spawns emotions we choose to hold onto? Think about it before you jump right out of the gate and say loneliness is real.

Then, the next step is, if you decide that you really are lonely, what will you do about that? Will you sit there feeling bad because you think other people aren’t lonely or that other people have a mate, a friend or a family and are lucky they don’t have to be lonely? What if loneliness is just a want that you perceive can only be filled in a certain way? That means your perception would be set by certain expectations and those expectations may keep you lonely unnecessarily.

So, I’ve had lonely times in my life but I don’t mind my own company. I once purposely remained alone, aside from my kids, on purpose for 3 years. I wanted a good long amount of time to think about my life, where I had been, where I was and where I might be going. I couldn’t do that with the distraction of friendships of any kind. So, I became a hermit mom by choice. I felt lonely but never depressed because I was alone by choice. On those rare occasions where it got to be too much, I’d take myself out to dinner and eat at the bar where the other single folks dined. I’d strike up conversations with servers, bar-tenders, other customers. I’d go shopping and talk to people shopping. I’d go to the beach with a cup of coffee and smile at people, talk to people and just enjoy wherever I was and whatever I was doing. I’d then go home to a peaceful home.

Some people lock themselves into a lonely reality by taking the “green light” approach to life. All the lights must be green for 5 miles down the road before you could get into your car and head to a destination. But, what if instead, you made left or right turns? What if you threw your destination out the window, tossed convention, eradicated expectations and walked out into the world open minded with a sense of wonder and invited contact by being open to it? There would still be those days that people just weren’t talking and on such days, I’d think to myself that "This is a good quiet day." I’d get on the internet instead or read a great book. I would draw, write, fantasize, nap, organize, play cards or exercise. I ended up a bit lonely last year and so took up a tennis class. It was fun just for the human relation factor and it was not expensive at all.

When you drop expectations and allow yourself to be open to new experiences, people and new things, they come and loneliness becomes an indulgent feeling you mire yourself in. You’re only lonely when you want to be. If you want to talk, go talk to a neighbor. If you’re bored, go see if you can volunteer at the local elderly residential home or the hospital. You can offer to read books to sick children in the hospital. You can get involved in a cause. There are so many things that you can choose to do instead of sit inside the walls of your home feeling sorry for yourself and so sad that you do not have what you perceive you need. Live your life optimistically and never give up that optimism. Never give up options. Never lock yourself into only a certain way of approaching life or approaching the world and people in it and you will find that loneliness is a fleeting indulgent feeling. If you must indulge, accept that you are lonely, feel it for a few moments and then let it go by doing something about it. People won’t typically fall into your living room and want to talk. Sometimes you have to get out there and be the ear or voice that you need and that act will ultimately bring you friendship and people that will help keep you from feeling lonely.

Just food for thought.

The Way There

Your criticism used to hurt me so much...
The way it was specifically designed
To push my buttons related to those things
I cared about most in the world.

I used to wonder if you got off on the fact...
That you held that much power over me,
That although you said you loved me,
Somewhere you must really detest me.

But, I learned that seeing that side of things...
Was truly seeing only what I wanted to see,
And I began to look deeper, look past my own pain,
And there it was, plain as the nose on your face…your own pain.

I came to realize that I’m certain of your love for me.
I trust that more than anything else in the whole world...
And I see now how it is that you analyze and criticize yourself most of all.
Inside you lives a harsh and critical judge…you see in me only what lives inside of you.

You can’t hurt me anymore in that way...
Because I’ve moved my buttons so you can’t get at them.
Nothing has really changed except now I see what’s really there.
I see the source of your criticism and the diversion it brings you.

You are in pain from so many sources,
And so you call it out in others in the hopes that they may heal it,
Because if they do and you can see that happen...
It builds hope for you that you can heal your own pain instead of escaping it.

I see you, straight through to your bare and beautiful soul,
There is no mal intent within you.
In fact, there is the deepest kindness, gentleness and caring.
And so, I don’t need to react, my ego is just not that wounded.

I thank my lucky stars that I’ve been given this sight,
This inner knowing that allows me to see behind the facade...
Behind the mask that you put on in such instances,
And I won’t give your pain the satisfaction of company.

Instead, I will show you nothing but balanced, focused attention.
Instead I will give you what you really want more than anything...
Love….compassion…acceptance and understanding.
This is what they call unconditional love, thank you for showing me the way there.