Today I’m contemplative, reflective and intensely emotional. It happens, sometimes often and I’m never quite sure what to make of it. Maybe life is more overwhelming for me than I’m ready to consciously admit. Maybe I’m just very real and in touch with the movement of emotions in my heart. There is much in the world that stirs me. There is much in my sphere that causes the emotions to rise like the tides and crash into my consciousness like waves onto the shore.
I’m very waxing nostalgic this morning. I’m listening to a mix I made on Itunes this morning:
So Far Away - Carole King
White Room - Cream
Indian Summer - The Doors
If You Could Read My Mind - Gordon Lightfoot
Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word - Joe Cocker
Long Long Time -Linda Ronstadt
How Can I Tell You - Cat Stevens
I Fall to Pieces - Linda Ronstadt
You Are So Beautiful –
Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers
Summer Breeze - Seals & Crofts
Sunshine On My Shoulders - John Denver
You've Got a Friend - Carole King
The Hard Way Every Time - Jim Croce
Morning Has Broken - Cat Stevens
These songs all have meaning for me, words that resonate with the emotions in my soul both for times and occurrences past and even some from the present. As I listen to the words, my soul feels heavy and the emotions seek release and I give them their due and smile blinking back tears. There are times when the soul is all emotion. Such times are not fearful. Such times are truly a blessing. When we are close to our emotions, we’re not stuffing anything down that will later come back to haunt us. There are times I turn to music to help me release a little of the emotional tension that builds for this reason or that reason. Perhaps its because of this tactic that I seem to bounce back quickly after scaring emotional turmoil. I know that the only way through emotional pain is through feeling the emotions of it and letting it go little by little.
I’m beginning to think once again of emotional reverberations. Like aftershocks of an earth quake they come and go and it’s okay. You have to know definitively that its okay, it’s only a moment of emotion and if you do nothing but sit with it, give your all not to fight it, the wave will fall through you and recede. It can seem difficult but that is only because we’re not taught how to handle pain. Society seeks to escape it, get around it, run from it, drown it out or numb it down. That’s not good for the psyche or the soul. Its best to be real, authentic, feel what you feel, speak your truth and be who you are. It’s hard and its frightening but you can and should be in touch with yourself. All aspects of your motivations, thoughts, feelings and their sources. Self-awareness can unlock a lot of pain but it can also be a doorway to intense happiness, serenity and peace.
I’ve much in my life to mourn just now and much change on the horizons. No wonder I’m emotional today but I’m okay with that. Why not today. I’ve got an easy work day ahead of me and a very busy afternoon of pleasant appointments and, of course, a round of tennis later. This too shall pass and I’ll be all the stronger for acknowledging the pain in my heart…I’ll be lighter for allowing it to coalesce in my consciousness and I’ll be peaceful again when this tide passes over me. Living life means you have to always take the good with the bad. As I’ve said before, how do you appreciate light without the darkness that defines it? How can you appreciate peace and happiness without the chaos and pain that help define those feelings? In the end, it’s all good albeit difficult. I think when I mentioned yesterday something about wrestling joyously with difficulty…its days like today I had in mind. As human beings we are emotional at our core no matter how hard we’ve tried to stuff it down, turn it off or focus on other things. Some of us were taught emotions = bad and so we’re out of touch and that out of touch sense really creates drama in other areas of our life at times. I don’t care for drama so I’d rather let the worries of things experienced in the past surface from time to time, analyze the lingering emotion, feel it instead of filter it and then just press ever onward with my life.
The moral of the story here is that its okay to feel. You have my permission. It’s okay to hurt. You have my permission. It’s okay to see things you’ve stuffed away. You have my permission. And….it’s okay to heal…you have to give yourself permission there. That’s key. So go out there and be real, be contemplative, empty the pain in your soul when it feels right to do so and seek the highest meaning possible in every thought and feeling. Blessings.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Noticing Things
Yesterday at sunset, I noticed a small swarm of gnats across the court yard. The sunlight caught them and they looked like tiny dancing balls of light moving to the sound of some unheard orchestra. The leaves have turned brown and are falling every where. I sighed feeling the relief of anxiety released. It was a good day.
This morning when I first stepped outside, the sky was black and filled with tiny sparkling and pulsing lights. I noticed a tiny seeming satellite crawling slowly across the sky. The air was already warm which is unusual so close to the coast. In the silence I could hear the roar of the surf and it soothed my soul. I got myself ready for work and my girls ready for school and took a peek outside again. The sky had transformed into a cadet blue with fewer stars in sight. Off to the East the sky was turning plum, pink and orange all at once. It’s going to be a very warm and yet beautiful day. I can feel it.
There are just those mornings when it feels like everything in life has clicked neatly into place and although the woes of my world have not yet been resolved, I’m confident that today will be peaceful. While I feel very much at peace, electric anticipation resides within me as well. A dear friend told me once that frenetically peaceful defines my character quite well. I agree. It seems I’m always a bundle of dichotomy concerning emotions. I can’t say I know a mother who doesn’t resonate with such feelings at one time or another.
Sometimes it feels as if I’m a clown in a circus, constantly juggling large and small objects to keep an audience amused and in their seats. It’s a delicate dance quite often I find but you know I guess at the end of the day, I really don’t mind. Spiritually speaking, I believe I chose this life. At times it seems too much for one woman to carry but it would be like me to choose something challenging and struggle and strive to make the best of it and make it a successful life. I approach projects, problems and worries in much the same way. I know when it’s challenging, rather than allow myself to become derailed, I exit common consciousness and let a trance-like creative mindset take over. I talk with friends and others whom I hold a great deal of respect. I let the ideas bounce around until the swirling thoughts coalesce into concrete actions and plans. I can relax a little then until the next set of swirling thoughts and emotions hit.
My coffee and cream tastes like heaven this morning. I can’t wait to get on with my day today. I’ll watch the sunrise ahead of me as I head to my girl’s before school program and be reminded of how important it is to notice the little things, the beautiful things in life as you go about your mundane seeming duties. If you get thrown off your center, the world and your tasks can seem like mere drudgery. That’s not good for the psyche or the soul. The old axiom, “take time to smell the roses” is a truth to happiness that I live by. When the world leaves me feeling a bit cross-threaded, I realize I’ve not made the time to appreciate the beauty in life. It’s everywhere. I notice these things most of the time and I think that keeps me sane in an other-wise crazy life.
I am reminded this morning that life’s challenges, no matter how painful they seem, do serve an important purpose. That purpose is not to drive you into angry fits of rage, sadness or other forms of self-pity or self-loathing. The challenging things in life are meant to teach you something about yourself. I think primarily to teach you how to rise above the raw emotion and seek solace in a higher plane of thinking and viewing a situation. When you can pull the ego out of raw emotion and view the situation from a higher plane, you can see things from a different perspective, notice things you might have overlooked and just give yourself the opportunity to transcend frustration. This does involve the ability to look for silver linings or at least come to a place of acceptance, an “it is what it is” thought process to alleviate the frustration of the moment. It can be done and when you can look at your behavior and laugh a little at how silly we really are for thinking our worries are any greater than those around us, we can release a little tension and begin to realize how small we are, how unimportant our worries can be in comparison to other things dreadful in the world. We too can come to a place where we wrestle with the things in our lives joyously with difficulty. That’s what I do often it seems. I may have struggles sometimes but I’m glad that I’m alive to face those struggles. As difficult as times are, I’m grateful to be a member of the human race traversing the planet at this time.
I think only the strongest of the strong can get through it. When we can make progress, we show others it’s possible and we give them hope. Maybe that doesn’t matter to you so much and that’s okay. It matters to me and because of that I just can’t let the world and its happenings derail me for long. I’ve a job to do, many of them in fact and I intend to give it my all, my best and strive ever to succeed.
May you find your measure of peace today be it in noticing beauty, smiling with friends or winning a battle no matter how small. Realize though, even when you lose you might be surprised to find how much you’re really winning in wisdom and life experience. Blessings to you all!
This morning when I first stepped outside, the sky was black and filled with tiny sparkling and pulsing lights. I noticed a tiny seeming satellite crawling slowly across the sky. The air was already warm which is unusual so close to the coast. In the silence I could hear the roar of the surf and it soothed my soul. I got myself ready for work and my girls ready for school and took a peek outside again. The sky had transformed into a cadet blue with fewer stars in sight. Off to the East the sky was turning plum, pink and orange all at once. It’s going to be a very warm and yet beautiful day. I can feel it.
There are just those mornings when it feels like everything in life has clicked neatly into place and although the woes of my world have not yet been resolved, I’m confident that today will be peaceful. While I feel very much at peace, electric anticipation resides within me as well. A dear friend told me once that frenetically peaceful defines my character quite well. I agree. It seems I’m always a bundle of dichotomy concerning emotions. I can’t say I know a mother who doesn’t resonate with such feelings at one time or another.
Sometimes it feels as if I’m a clown in a circus, constantly juggling large and small objects to keep an audience amused and in their seats. It’s a delicate dance quite often I find but you know I guess at the end of the day, I really don’t mind. Spiritually speaking, I believe I chose this life. At times it seems too much for one woman to carry but it would be like me to choose something challenging and struggle and strive to make the best of it and make it a successful life. I approach projects, problems and worries in much the same way. I know when it’s challenging, rather than allow myself to become derailed, I exit common consciousness and let a trance-like creative mindset take over. I talk with friends and others whom I hold a great deal of respect. I let the ideas bounce around until the swirling thoughts coalesce into concrete actions and plans. I can relax a little then until the next set of swirling thoughts and emotions hit.
My coffee and cream tastes like heaven this morning. I can’t wait to get on with my day today. I’ll watch the sunrise ahead of me as I head to my girl’s before school program and be reminded of how important it is to notice the little things, the beautiful things in life as you go about your mundane seeming duties. If you get thrown off your center, the world and your tasks can seem like mere drudgery. That’s not good for the psyche or the soul. The old axiom, “take time to smell the roses” is a truth to happiness that I live by. When the world leaves me feeling a bit cross-threaded, I realize I’ve not made the time to appreciate the beauty in life. It’s everywhere. I notice these things most of the time and I think that keeps me sane in an other-wise crazy life.
I am reminded this morning that life’s challenges, no matter how painful they seem, do serve an important purpose. That purpose is not to drive you into angry fits of rage, sadness or other forms of self-pity or self-loathing. The challenging things in life are meant to teach you something about yourself. I think primarily to teach you how to rise above the raw emotion and seek solace in a higher plane of thinking and viewing a situation. When you can pull the ego out of raw emotion and view the situation from a higher plane, you can see things from a different perspective, notice things you might have overlooked and just give yourself the opportunity to transcend frustration. This does involve the ability to look for silver linings or at least come to a place of acceptance, an “it is what it is” thought process to alleviate the frustration of the moment. It can be done and when you can look at your behavior and laugh a little at how silly we really are for thinking our worries are any greater than those around us, we can release a little tension and begin to realize how small we are, how unimportant our worries can be in comparison to other things dreadful in the world. We too can come to a place where we wrestle with the things in our lives joyously with difficulty. That’s what I do often it seems. I may have struggles sometimes but I’m glad that I’m alive to face those struggles. As difficult as times are, I’m grateful to be a member of the human race traversing the planet at this time.
I think only the strongest of the strong can get through it. When we can make progress, we show others it’s possible and we give them hope. Maybe that doesn’t matter to you so much and that’s okay. It matters to me and because of that I just can’t let the world and its happenings derail me for long. I’ve a job to do, many of them in fact and I intend to give it my all, my best and strive ever to succeed.
May you find your measure of peace today be it in noticing beauty, smiling with friends or winning a battle no matter how small. Realize though, even when you lose you might be surprised to find how much you’re really winning in wisdom and life experience. Blessings to you all!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Coming Home
I filled up my tank at 6:45 a.m. this morning and was in complete awe of the view. I mean, I was amidst all the hurry, hurry work-a-day people trying to get their commutes started but a simple glance up to the sky and I noticed an amazing array of fiery colors just before sunrise. What made the view even more breath-taking were some storm clouds that rolled in gently off the coast. The clouds were huge with wispy bottoms as the rain fell off in the distance. Closer to our local mountains, electric orange etched the very tops as the sun began to make it’s seeming ascent. I wished so much that I had remembered to stick my camera in my bag this morning but no such luck. So, I stopped what I was doing and made a mental picture so that I could hold it in my mind’s eye at will for recall later in the day if necessary. I often do this when I want to remember a beautiful view.
I got my girls dropped off safely at daycare and headed for the office. I turned up Faith Hill in the CD player and sang along. I knew it was going to be a stressful day and I wanted to drink in as much peace and joy as is possible while commuting on the Southern California Freeway system. Luckily, that wasn’t too difficult as the cars moved in perfect time, courteous and diligently! "Amazing," I thought. The closer I got to the office though I noticed that the anxiety was beginning to stir. I pulled into the parking lot and looked at the first building to my right. A 5 story building with a mirrored exterior. I used to work in that building. I left a year ago to work in another across the parking lot. My current office I refer to as a dungeon. The building is a massive one-story building and there are no windows except for the Western face of the building. Inside its a gray and dreary sea of metal cubicles. It’s really quite a depressing sight. My office even worse, small and no windows. It’s like a cage and I’ve hated it since I first set foot in it.
I had to change jobs a year ago. I couldn’t fight a negative system that had set in, a change in terms I faced with great distaste at the same time I was battling "mama drama" and rapidly surfacing issues with my new spouse. I was crumbling from the stress so had to make a change. The job was the quickest fix so I put my career on hold and took a position with lesser responsibilities. I hated leaving the people I worked with. I worked so hard to build a good reputation, excellent working relations with executive management and everyone else as well. But I had to leave them as I simply felt that I had no other options available to me at the time. I’m grateful they understood. But today it dawned on me how fast a year went. The mama drama now simmering at a very low and weak hiss…the new spouse is now nearly an ex-husband and now I’m ready to go back. Lucky for me, a job with the team was available…only the team had moved to a new company within the larger umbrella of our organization. I’ve been planning a return for a while but had to wait twelve months due to company policy. It’s a good policy. As I hiring manager, I fully support it even when it keeps me from what I want. My current position has been fine. I have an excellent staff and a really nice boss but the work is not challenging enough. I need my old work and I’ve so missed the people I used to work with. Today, it was agreed that I would go back. My former boss told me I had built a solid reputation with the folks I used to work with and that I had a lot of friends there. That made my day. In one area of my life, I get to go home.
Now, home won’t be easy but the people are great and I respect them so much. I had to resign from my current position today and that is what was creating the anxiety. I know how much my current boss needs me but this opportunity I passed up once before. I won’t pass it up again. I long for the familiar…the faces, the voices, the work ethics, the challenge, the politics, the government, all of it. I’ve missed it terribly and count myself incredibly lucky to get to go back. I’ll be doing something new but I’ve learned a lot while I’ve been gone. Namely, how much I appreciated what I had and it was so unfortunate that I had to leave it at all. The folks involved in my need to leave are gone and doing other things for another company. It’ll be good to get back and in just a few short weeks, I’ll be back. October will be a phenomenal month for me. The divorce will be final and I’ll be back where I belong with the people that make me excel and strive to be the best.
I’ve felt so derailed this last year. I’ve felt defeated, overwhelmed and oppressed. But, these were things I just had to go through. I had to get my head and my heart clear so I could once again excel, get my career back on track and strive to move up as I’ve always wanted to do. Tomorrow, my current boss will know that I’m resigning. I’m a little anxious about tomorrow but so excited to get back to my team that it just doesn’t matter. I’ll sleep like a baby tonight knowing that at least in one area of my life I will have that solace and familiarity that I crave. I’m thinking once again about the storm clouds and rain from this morning…a little tension built up in the clouds, much like my anxiety and then once overwhelmed the rain fell and release was observed. That’s how I’ll feel tomorrow when I talk to my boss about the memo I sent. I pray he’ll be supportive but he has to be how he is and I’ll have to deal with the consequences and strive to cooperate to the best of my ability. Tomorrow will be another sunrise and I won’t forget my camera. I intend to snap a few pictures of another gorgeous sunrise and maybe get one posted in my article. If you see it, you’ll know I remembered to post it.
I guess the moral in this very long story is that you need never give up on what is truly important to you. Like a game, there are times you may need to sit on the sidelines to recover, to heal and maybe to think. However, you can always go back provided you didn’t burn any bridges. You can remake yourself every day in a new way if you want to. It took me a while to get there but that’s what I did. It took me a year to heal and get over the frustration and anger from many sources. The patience I held paid off. The faith I had paid off. The hard work I put in in days long past and the friendships I’ve built have paid off. I set myself up to succeed even though at the time I felt like I was losing something. It wasn’t a loss, it was just a break. Now, in a few short weeks, I'll pull up in front of that building on the right once again, take the elevator up to the fourth floor, walk into my office with a nice big window and I'll likely wipe away a tear or two of joy at my coming home!
I got my girls dropped off safely at daycare and headed for the office. I turned up Faith Hill in the CD player and sang along. I knew it was going to be a stressful day and I wanted to drink in as much peace and joy as is possible while commuting on the Southern California Freeway system. Luckily, that wasn’t too difficult as the cars moved in perfect time, courteous and diligently! "Amazing," I thought. The closer I got to the office though I noticed that the anxiety was beginning to stir. I pulled into the parking lot and looked at the first building to my right. A 5 story building with a mirrored exterior. I used to work in that building. I left a year ago to work in another across the parking lot. My current office I refer to as a dungeon. The building is a massive one-story building and there are no windows except for the Western face of the building. Inside its a gray and dreary sea of metal cubicles. It’s really quite a depressing sight. My office even worse, small and no windows. It’s like a cage and I’ve hated it since I first set foot in it.
I had to change jobs a year ago. I couldn’t fight a negative system that had set in, a change in terms I faced with great distaste at the same time I was battling "mama drama" and rapidly surfacing issues with my new spouse. I was crumbling from the stress so had to make a change. The job was the quickest fix so I put my career on hold and took a position with lesser responsibilities. I hated leaving the people I worked with. I worked so hard to build a good reputation, excellent working relations with executive management and everyone else as well. But I had to leave them as I simply felt that I had no other options available to me at the time. I’m grateful they understood. But today it dawned on me how fast a year went. The mama drama now simmering at a very low and weak hiss…the new spouse is now nearly an ex-husband and now I’m ready to go back. Lucky for me, a job with the team was available…only the team had moved to a new company within the larger umbrella of our organization. I’ve been planning a return for a while but had to wait twelve months due to company policy. It’s a good policy. As I hiring manager, I fully support it even when it keeps me from what I want. My current position has been fine. I have an excellent staff and a really nice boss but the work is not challenging enough. I need my old work and I’ve so missed the people I used to work with. Today, it was agreed that I would go back. My former boss told me I had built a solid reputation with the folks I used to work with and that I had a lot of friends there. That made my day. In one area of my life, I get to go home.
Now, home won’t be easy but the people are great and I respect them so much. I had to resign from my current position today and that is what was creating the anxiety. I know how much my current boss needs me but this opportunity I passed up once before. I won’t pass it up again. I long for the familiar…the faces, the voices, the work ethics, the challenge, the politics, the government, all of it. I’ve missed it terribly and count myself incredibly lucky to get to go back. I’ll be doing something new but I’ve learned a lot while I’ve been gone. Namely, how much I appreciated what I had and it was so unfortunate that I had to leave it at all. The folks involved in my need to leave are gone and doing other things for another company. It’ll be good to get back and in just a few short weeks, I’ll be back. October will be a phenomenal month for me. The divorce will be final and I’ll be back where I belong with the people that make me excel and strive to be the best.
I’ve felt so derailed this last year. I’ve felt defeated, overwhelmed and oppressed. But, these were things I just had to go through. I had to get my head and my heart clear so I could once again excel, get my career back on track and strive to move up as I’ve always wanted to do. Tomorrow, my current boss will know that I’m resigning. I’m a little anxious about tomorrow but so excited to get back to my team that it just doesn’t matter. I’ll sleep like a baby tonight knowing that at least in one area of my life I will have that solace and familiarity that I crave. I’m thinking once again about the storm clouds and rain from this morning…a little tension built up in the clouds, much like my anxiety and then once overwhelmed the rain fell and release was observed. That’s how I’ll feel tomorrow when I talk to my boss about the memo I sent. I pray he’ll be supportive but he has to be how he is and I’ll have to deal with the consequences and strive to cooperate to the best of my ability. Tomorrow will be another sunrise and I won’t forget my camera. I intend to snap a few pictures of another gorgeous sunrise and maybe get one posted in my article. If you see it, you’ll know I remembered to post it.
I guess the moral in this very long story is that you need never give up on what is truly important to you. Like a game, there are times you may need to sit on the sidelines to recover, to heal and maybe to think. However, you can always go back provided you didn’t burn any bridges. You can remake yourself every day in a new way if you want to. It took me a while to get there but that’s what I did. It took me a year to heal and get over the frustration and anger from many sources. The patience I held paid off. The faith I had paid off. The hard work I put in in days long past and the friendships I’ve built have paid off. I set myself up to succeed even though at the time I felt like I was losing something. It wasn’t a loss, it was just a break. Now, in a few short weeks, I'll pull up in front of that building on the right once again, take the elevator up to the fourth floor, walk into my office with a nice big window and I'll likely wipe away a tear or two of joy at my coming home!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Goals
So, I’m doing something very different. So much of my life, I’ve spent ignorant of things because I just didn’t want to deal with them. Take oh, something really important, like finances. For the first time in my life I have a savings account that actually has money in it. I have a goal too, find a way to grow that money and pay off debt in 8 months so I can have the option to buy a condo if the price is right. I need only about $5K more for a down payment and I should be set. But, my debt ratio right now is way too high. Consequence of some poor decisions I just won’t belabor here but I can fix this. I will fix this because I believe I will be successful. Failure is not an option I will contemplate because I need a home for my kids (and a decent tax deduction…can’t use day care anymore…thanks IRS).
So, luckily in my sphere are a couple of folks knowledgeable in investing and I plan to pick their brains. I’m reading everything I can, learning about trading and how to watch the market. I’ve not yet made my first trade although I’m very eager too. I want to be a mature and responsible adult suddenly at age 42. I’ve got so much lost time to make up for. Being a single mother and living in Orange County California does not promote the ability to save money or pay down debt. So, I will find a way. If I have to get a second job to achieve my goals, I will do it. I will pay off a significant debt, I will put more in savings and I will have the means should a condo at the right price in the city I wish to live in become available. Again, failure is not an option.
As with anything important in life, you have to set a goal and really own that goal by pulling it as close to your core as possible…becoming one with it…living and breathing it. Writing your goals down somewhere you can visibly see them is important. I have some changes I have to make that will help me get there. One for starters is come hell or high water I will quit smoking all the way. That alone would put an extra $100 a month in either savings or on the debt. I just have to do it and quit reacting to the stresses of life like a big baby. I’m not a baby any more. I’m an intelligent and mature woman and it’s time I started acting like it in every regard in every aspect of my life.
I’m tired of allowing set backs to push me into reactive mode. Set backs are only an opportunity to change your options or path for a better one. The trick is never giving up on your dreams and goals no matter what they are. But, you need to provide your own incentive and one of the best ways is to reward yourself for successful small steps along the way. I’ve got many such milestones measured out on the calendar/date book and I plan to celebrate along the way. I’m also going to stop the retail therapy. Good Lord knows I don’t need another suit, another pair of shorts, another pair of shoes or a really cute top. Ugh! Those things might be a quick fix in the moment but succumbing to such superficial desires derails me from a goal I set that I have only 8 or so months to accomplish. So, I guess I’ll have to write more…hey, maybe I should publish the damn book I wrote…if I can get it published maybe I could earn a little money to help with the housing fund…I’m seeing another goal being added to the list.
I think I may also downsize a few things, sell off the furniture I’m not using and do I really need the $6K bedroom set? I might be able to get a few thousand for it and know that I could get by with something less fancy. If you want to achieve goals and be successful, you sometimes have to sacrifice. I’m also consulting a financial planner to help me figure this all out in a mature and responsible way. I’ve been okay with money but no savings beyond my 401K. That’s not mature or smart at all. I’ve lived too much for the day not giving thought to tomorrow. I need to have money for retirement at some point or I’ll be working up to the point I suck down my last breath. Ewh! I’d hate that!
So, I’m going to go play some tennis again tonight and let some ideas swirl and percolate a bit. I’m then going to sit down and write out my plan. I will copy it and post it by the front door…in my car…on my bedroom mirror. I will remind myself that I will be successful, I can achieve my goal…success is in my core and I will extend it outward in this area too.
Message for the day…Set your goals, believe they will be accomplished, get off your behind and go make your goals and dreams a reality! You can do it!
So, luckily in my sphere are a couple of folks knowledgeable in investing and I plan to pick their brains. I’m reading everything I can, learning about trading and how to watch the market. I’ve not yet made my first trade although I’m very eager too. I want to be a mature and responsible adult suddenly at age 42. I’ve got so much lost time to make up for. Being a single mother and living in Orange County California does not promote the ability to save money or pay down debt. So, I will find a way. If I have to get a second job to achieve my goals, I will do it. I will pay off a significant debt, I will put more in savings and I will have the means should a condo at the right price in the city I wish to live in become available. Again, failure is not an option.
As with anything important in life, you have to set a goal and really own that goal by pulling it as close to your core as possible…becoming one with it…living and breathing it. Writing your goals down somewhere you can visibly see them is important. I have some changes I have to make that will help me get there. One for starters is come hell or high water I will quit smoking all the way. That alone would put an extra $100 a month in either savings or on the debt. I just have to do it and quit reacting to the stresses of life like a big baby. I’m not a baby any more. I’m an intelligent and mature woman and it’s time I started acting like it in every regard in every aspect of my life.
I’m tired of allowing set backs to push me into reactive mode. Set backs are only an opportunity to change your options or path for a better one. The trick is never giving up on your dreams and goals no matter what they are. But, you need to provide your own incentive and one of the best ways is to reward yourself for successful small steps along the way. I’ve got many such milestones measured out on the calendar/date book and I plan to celebrate along the way. I’m also going to stop the retail therapy. Good Lord knows I don’t need another suit, another pair of shorts, another pair of shoes or a really cute top. Ugh! Those things might be a quick fix in the moment but succumbing to such superficial desires derails me from a goal I set that I have only 8 or so months to accomplish. So, I guess I’ll have to write more…hey, maybe I should publish the damn book I wrote…if I can get it published maybe I could earn a little money to help with the housing fund…I’m seeing another goal being added to the list.
I think I may also downsize a few things, sell off the furniture I’m not using and do I really need the $6K bedroom set? I might be able to get a few thousand for it and know that I could get by with something less fancy. If you want to achieve goals and be successful, you sometimes have to sacrifice. I’m also consulting a financial planner to help me figure this all out in a mature and responsible way. I’ve been okay with money but no savings beyond my 401K. That’s not mature or smart at all. I’ve lived too much for the day not giving thought to tomorrow. I need to have money for retirement at some point or I’ll be working up to the point I suck down my last breath. Ewh! I’d hate that!
So, I’m going to go play some tennis again tonight and let some ideas swirl and percolate a bit. I’m then going to sit down and write out my plan. I will copy it and post it by the front door…in my car…on my bedroom mirror. I will remind myself that I will be successful, I can achieve my goal…success is in my core and I will extend it outward in this area too.
Message for the day…Set your goals, believe they will be accomplished, get off your behind and go make your goals and dreams a reality! You can do it!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Hold on to Your Dreams
I stepped outside this morning very early and saw a beautiful twinkling sky. On the edge of my horizon I could see a fog bank just beginning to roll in. The air is cool and damp and I’m reminded at once how peaceful the world seems in the dark. It’s still early this fall morning and I find that like many other mornings, I am deeply contemplative. I have so much in my life to be grateful for. I have four beautiful children that are truly the bright sparkling lights in my life. I’ve got a great job that brings me a sense of deep satisfaction. I’ve got a nice car, nice clothing and things I take great pleasure in.
My thoughts meander gently through the past but not so deep as to disrupt the flow of a light and easy morning. I’ve been through abrupt changes, changes imposed involuntarily from without but I’m grateful for the wit, the patience and ingenuity to navigate those changes and maintain a clearly positive disposition. I’ve had my moments of terror, tears and fears but they were short-lived thankfully due in large part to some very wonderful angels on Earth I’m lucky enough to have in my sphere of existence. I’ve learned from all of those moments and have taken each of the lessons deeply to heart. I write about them constantly because I don’t want to ever forget the pain, what I did to lead me into those situations and how I managed to extricate myself and move back into the light of the sun.
I have my dreams still with me. At times I considered them mere folly, fairy tales and thought it was time to put childish things away but when I did that I grew so sad and felt life was more futile than something you live with vigor and hope. So, I grabbed hold of those dreams and pulled them back out into the light of day. I’m making changes in my life in order to support a new vision. It makes no sense to go after shattered dreams in the same manner as times passed. It’s time to hold those renewed dreams in focus, know without a shadow of a doubt they are coming true and then do everything differently than I’ve ever done before to ensure I’ve given those dreams enough nurturing in a positive way to allow them to become a reality.
My dreams, the main one, has always surrounded love and partnership. I’m not sure how I’ll get there from here but I trust that I need only to set my intent, hold onto all those lessons hard-won and be open to infinite possibilities. It’s hard to imagine finding what I search for…but I know that I will have it, I’ve earned it and I’m paying attention to such keen details in order to ensure that past lessons are not repeated. I think that although at times I become disheartened, there is a part of me that knows if I get it right in my thoughts, get it right in my vision, I will not fail, failure will not be possible. I’ll never give up because I sense it’s so close. I need not worry or stress about what I don’t have. Part of the new lesson is focusing on what I do have, what I have done and keeping my dreams alive.
It’s the same for any desire you know. You need only hold it in your vision, believe from the core of your being you will have what you seek and then begin to do things a little differently to ensure you don’t get more of undesireable sameness you’ve experienced in the past. Success isn’t something you achieve, it’s something you hold and exude from the core of your soul. You push out the doubtful and fearful thoughts the ego will always hold and you strive every day to appreciate what you have and remain open to possibilities. You then can draw to you those things of your dreams, your deepest desires and while you’re at it, maintain a sense of self-love no matter what heinous things you think you have done. There are no mistakes in life, just actions and reactions.
My message for the day is to hold on to your dreams, thank the Source that they became real and then wait patiently living life differently and soon you will realize more than you dreamed. Believe!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Fearful Ego and Thoughts
Tonight I felt like writing. I have so much swirling in my consciousness that it helps sometimes to sit down and start to sort things out. I’m one of those who takes in heaps and gobs of information, lets it spin and swirl for days and then I sit down to write to let the concepts coalesce and organize into consciousness. The past 3 years have been like a complete burning and regeneration for me...like a complete head on collision with the Phoenix! I’ve changed jobs, lost people in my life, pushed people not good for me out and moved. The goal was always ever to remove the negativity I’ve allowed to collect in places I did not want it. But, even if the changes we experience are good, change is difficult and causes resulting emotional distress at times.
That’s when I write the most because I need logic and rational organization of the things in my mind so that I can begin to compartmentalize things and reorganize and/or change my approach to life in general. I’ve been so stuck in deep and core-level self-analysis that it’s become nearly a habit. Everything I say or do analyzed and over-analyzed seeking always to perfect what cannot be perfected, me. I am so imperfect and fallible and I realize that in itself is perfection. If we were all “perfect” the way we typically think about perfection, the world would be a very boring place and we’d never learn the things about life and our reactions to it that we really need to learn so we can grow and find some measure of happiness or at least serenity.
One of the things I’ve come to learn is that my ego is full of fear. When my fearful ego is in control, things get anxious, things get off-balance and I feel off-centered. With so much change going on around me, these feelings have often been common place. But, I learned things along the way from beacons of light, also known as friends, that helped me disarm the ego, at least temporarily until I could regain my center. It’s really very simple. In fact, so simple we all over look it. When the ego is fearful and very busy thinking it’s fearful thoughts…just notice the thoughts and know that it is just your fearful ego in action. You are separate from your ego. If you were not, how could you observe the thoughts you are thinking? So, when in this frame, I can shut off the fear and feel more of the love inside, if you will. This feeling helps me regain my center, it helps me re-balance and think more clearly. Once I’ve gotten myself to this state, I can then begin to sort out the important concerns from the unimportant egotistical worries.
Then, going back to the perfection thing…I think a coping mechanism I have developed out of my fearful ego is acting like a perfectionist at times. Sometimes all of the lights must be green or I cannot begin a journey. A little control mechanism I suppose but it is frustrating. I’ve noticed in life that I’ve not said things because I have feared I could not say it perfectly and I have sat on the sidelines afraid I could not do things perfectly. Oh goodness, you should have seen my first apartment. Everything perfectly in order, the clothing perfectly spaced one inch apart in color order by type of article in my closets. I was a sick puppy. Having kids cured me of that kind of perfection. You should see my place now. I’m out numbered and so I often have a choice to make…calm relaxing evening or cleaning tornado. I often opt for the calm relaxing evening these days and while the perfectionist urges do still dwell inside me, they are more like quiet little monsters who have been momentarily tamed. Again, I realize, all this stuff comes from a wounded and fearful ego.
The ego can help but it can certainly hurt if you are not self-aware. I get so cross-threaded sometimes when my fearful ego is engaged and I’m all about reacting to this or that until I get sick of feeling crazy, step out of my ego and begin to laugh at how silly I’ve been. It’s really not that hard to do but you have to get used to what triggers your fears and your ego and know definitively when you are just making yourself crazy. I think we can’t necessarily change our core tendencies but like learning to ride a bike, you eventually defy gravity, learn the necessary timing of the motion of your feet and before long, you are doing something completely unnatural…riding a bike. It’s no different when taming the ego.
Okay, this was my rant from Monday but I didn’t finish it so am posting it today. Again, peace to you all and I challenge you to watch your ego in action. If you’d like to tell me about your experience with this, I’d love to hear it. Take care all!
That’s when I write the most because I need logic and rational organization of the things in my mind so that I can begin to compartmentalize things and reorganize and/or change my approach to life in general. I’ve been so stuck in deep and core-level self-analysis that it’s become nearly a habit. Everything I say or do analyzed and over-analyzed seeking always to perfect what cannot be perfected, me. I am so imperfect and fallible and I realize that in itself is perfection. If we were all “perfect” the way we typically think about perfection, the world would be a very boring place and we’d never learn the things about life and our reactions to it that we really need to learn so we can grow and find some measure of happiness or at least serenity.
One of the things I’ve come to learn is that my ego is full of fear. When my fearful ego is in control, things get anxious, things get off-balance and I feel off-centered. With so much change going on around me, these feelings have often been common place. But, I learned things along the way from beacons of light, also known as friends, that helped me disarm the ego, at least temporarily until I could regain my center. It’s really very simple. In fact, so simple we all over look it. When the ego is fearful and very busy thinking it’s fearful thoughts…just notice the thoughts and know that it is just your fearful ego in action. You are separate from your ego. If you were not, how could you observe the thoughts you are thinking? So, when in this frame, I can shut off the fear and feel more of the love inside, if you will. This feeling helps me regain my center, it helps me re-balance and think more clearly. Once I’ve gotten myself to this state, I can then begin to sort out the important concerns from the unimportant egotistical worries.
Then, going back to the perfection thing…I think a coping mechanism I have developed out of my fearful ego is acting like a perfectionist at times. Sometimes all of the lights must be green or I cannot begin a journey. A little control mechanism I suppose but it is frustrating. I’ve noticed in life that I’ve not said things because I have feared I could not say it perfectly and I have sat on the sidelines afraid I could not do things perfectly. Oh goodness, you should have seen my first apartment. Everything perfectly in order, the clothing perfectly spaced one inch apart in color order by type of article in my closets. I was a sick puppy. Having kids cured me of that kind of perfection. You should see my place now. I’m out numbered and so I often have a choice to make…calm relaxing evening or cleaning tornado. I often opt for the calm relaxing evening these days and while the perfectionist urges do still dwell inside me, they are more like quiet little monsters who have been momentarily tamed. Again, I realize, all this stuff comes from a wounded and fearful ego.
The ego can help but it can certainly hurt if you are not self-aware. I get so cross-threaded sometimes when my fearful ego is engaged and I’m all about reacting to this or that until I get sick of feeling crazy, step out of my ego and begin to laugh at how silly I’ve been. It’s really not that hard to do but you have to get used to what triggers your fears and your ego and know definitively when you are just making yourself crazy. I think we can’t necessarily change our core tendencies but like learning to ride a bike, you eventually defy gravity, learn the necessary timing of the motion of your feet and before long, you are doing something completely unnatural…riding a bike. It’s no different when taming the ego.
Okay, this was my rant from Monday but I didn’t finish it so am posting it today. Again, peace to you all and I challenge you to watch your ego in action. If you’d like to tell me about your experience with this, I’d love to hear it. Take care all!
The Game Where Love Doesn't Matter
So, a new friend recently re-introduced me to a game. It's one I had learned to play about 15 years ago. I took lessons and my boss and I would go play on the weekends. We learned the strokes, the moves and had so much fun. But it was more of something to do than something I was really into. Today, however, I love to play tennis!!!! I'm re-learning, practicing a lot and having the best time. I've found a new love in an old friend re-introduced to me by a new friend!
Tennis is cool. It's a game where the objective is certainly not love (something I delight in at the moment)! I find that with the high stress life of a single career mom, smashing my little yellow friends around on the courts or against the wall are a huge stress reliever. Not to mention a very thorough and tiring work out. I play and/or practice now about 3-4 times a week for one to one and a half hours. There is this zen like feeling when you are in the zone and you find your position, the ball and your stroke all come together perfectly to send the ball right back over the net to where your opponent or fellow friend in practice might be. Now when I get stressed, I crave the feeling of my racket in my hand and I want nothing more than to feel the power as I swing it at a fast moving ball. So, now after meetings I actually think about whether I have time to go find a park and play for even 15 minutes. Okay, so I'm hooked!
I think also I'm so infatuated with the game because it's one that you play outside. I play in the evenings after work. Right now there is still plenty of sunlight so it's great but I'm worried about the end of fall when the days start to grow very short. I wonder what I'll do then. No need to borrow trouble I suppose and tonight, I get to go play in the sunshine with the sea breeze blowing through my hair, keeping me nice and cool. I can't wait...just a few more minutes to go and I'm off to play.
It's important in life to find something that you love, something that you enjoy and hold that one thing as a special or sacred gift you give to yourself when the going gets tough. Better yet, have several of those things. For me, the beach is another thing I can do year around and then, there is of course, writing. Something I hope to get better at in time and with much practice (daily practice for me is routine...just don't publish as much as I write). Well, the time has come for me to go, so I'll sign off for now. May you find you bliss this evening in whatever it is you may be doing.
Tennis is cool. It's a game where the objective is certainly not love (something I delight in at the moment)! I find that with the high stress life of a single career mom, smashing my little yellow friends around on the courts or against the wall are a huge stress reliever. Not to mention a very thorough and tiring work out. I play and/or practice now about 3-4 times a week for one to one and a half hours. There is this zen like feeling when you are in the zone and you find your position, the ball and your stroke all come together perfectly to send the ball right back over the net to where your opponent or fellow friend in practice might be. Now when I get stressed, I crave the feeling of my racket in my hand and I want nothing more than to feel the power as I swing it at a fast moving ball. So, now after meetings I actually think about whether I have time to go find a park and play for even 15 minutes. Okay, so I'm hooked!
I think also I'm so infatuated with the game because it's one that you play outside. I play in the evenings after work. Right now there is still plenty of sunlight so it's great but I'm worried about the end of fall when the days start to grow very short. I wonder what I'll do then. No need to borrow trouble I suppose and tonight, I get to go play in the sunshine with the sea breeze blowing through my hair, keeping me nice and cool. I can't wait...just a few more minutes to go and I'm off to play.
It's important in life to find something that you love, something that you enjoy and hold that one thing as a special or sacred gift you give to yourself when the going gets tough. Better yet, have several of those things. For me, the beach is another thing I can do year around and then, there is of course, writing. Something I hope to get better at in time and with much practice (daily practice for me is routine...just don't publish as much as I write). Well, the time has come for me to go, so I'll sign off for now. May you find you bliss this evening in whatever it is you may be doing.
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