Thursday, September 27, 2012

So It's Over, Now What?

In this ode, to the broken hearted, I send you love, light, healing and hope that your broken heart will soon mend.  I was talking with a friend this week on the topic of break ups, that terrible and sometimes terrifying feeling of heart break and what to do or what to expect in the days and weeks and months that follow.  There are so many things we don't understand about human relations and the energetic aspects that are woven like invisible chains through the heart of us.  When we separate from some, whether romantic, friendship or family, sometimes, the pain of those invisible chains can become more than palpable.  They seem to stop us in our tracks for moments on end.  It is my hope with this article to help you understand how to navigate and work through these moments.  Keep in mind this article is high-level, the book is in process and has been for a little while.  It's a tough subject to talk about but it's helpful to know what to expect and how to get through it in a way that won't create lingering feelings of anguish and pain.

So, in the first few moments know - these moments are the worst of it.  Those first moments of separation where you feel the energy that you've come to rely on in another pulling away either slowly or abruptly, it leaves a chasm or void within us temporarily.  Notice that I said temporarily.  In the first moments, the pain is the most intense and for at least the first 3 days following it may really be a chore to exist.  Some advice...take not one single action in vengeance, utter not one vindictive hurtful word because to do so will extend this period of pain greatly as you add to it insult to the already very apparent injury.  It's harder than heck because you may want to strike out and force someone to stop whatever it is that is hurting you.  With your emotions in control, you cannot see the truth, the lessons or rational reality at all.  For your own sake, withdraw for a few days and seek solace in supportive friends.  Talk with a trusted friend about your feelings of anger, vengeful thoughts or what-have-you but do not utter them to the object of your seeming anguish.  The reason is not to let them off the hook for hurting you but to give you space to regain some composure so that you can think rationally before you speak.  Refuse to heed this and you extend your own pain but that choice is ultimately yours.  If you want to heal, relax and work through the pain.

The first week, you may feel depressed, heavy, anxious and aching.  This is normal and part of regenerating your own energy to the point you are refilled from the energetic void left in the absence or disconnection from the one you love.  Know that this period feels like it will last forever, but it doesn't.  It will change in a way that you can deal with the pain and keep on going with your life.  Be gentle with yourself and immediately cut off any thoughts of loathing for you and the other party.  Yes, acknowledge your anger and pain but know if you dwell in those emotions, you will lengthen your recovery period.  Put your focus where it is most needed - on yourself so that you may heal.  Again, stay close to friends to help hold you up during this time. That is what friends are for.

The second week, you may not feel as bad or as low as the first week.  Some of your own energy has had time to regenerate if and only if you have not engaged in vengeful thoughts and trying to pull the other person back into your space negatively.  You begin to ease the depths and levels of pain if you've kept your focus and thoughts on you and healing you without having to engage in thoughts to tear the other person apart just to make your ego feel better.  The ego gets bruised and battered in a break up or cutting ties situation so try not to make it worse by engaging in negative thoughts.  It is work, hard work but manage your thoughts and manage your recovery.

The third week, you will need to realize that it takes human beings 21 to 28 days to break a habit.  This includes the habit of interacting with other people.  You will need to keep yourself busy in order to avoid dredging up the thoughts of loss and woe and to fend off the urge to pull the other person back into your life.  Your life has beautiful purpose and meaning regardless of who is in it.  Realize that not one person on this Earth can make you greater or lesser than who you are.  You can survive without having the other person to fill up your time.  You need to focus on learning to do things on your own again and this is work!  But your recovery is worth it.  By this time, you should have moved away from the intensity of the moment of separation and you will miss this person and that "missing" feeling may drive you from time to time to irrational emotions and thoughts.  Take no action in those moments to engage the other person.  Keep your focus on you.  In some situations, you may need to take steps to keep the other person from contacting you.  Do what you have to do to promote your healing in as positive a light as possible.  Change phone numbers if you have to - in extreme situations, you may need to get the law involved but do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and allow yourself the time to heal.

The months that follow can be filled with beautiful things as you try to heal.  Fill your life with as many positive experiences and memories as you can to outweigh the tough, heavy and negative emotions of pain from a break or disconnection.  Realize you are accountable for your emotions and what you will allow yourself to engage in.  Live and let live and protect your own right to free will knowing that your free will ends at your person and vice versa.  Stick close to friends, stick close to hobbies and things that you enjoy, take up new ones if you have to or read, write and take refuge in other positive activities.  Sometimes the pain will linger and it can be hard to heal.  You'll be doing fine and suddenly a wave of pain comes back to you, just ride it out - feel it - work through it and then refocus on positive action.

The only way to heal pain is to work and grow through it.  You cannot escape it, numb it or run from it.  You'll only prolong your own agony.  Your ability to heal from a break or a separation is up to you.  There are infinitely positive things that will support your healing and there are also infinitely negative things that will destroy you emotionally if you choose them.  Drugs and alcohol do nothing to heal heart break.  In fact, they can make it feel worse due to the chemical reactions in your body.  Engaging in stalking, unwanted contact, threatening or other intimidating behavior of the other person just creates a mess for you to deal with not to mention there are laws that protect people.  Don't engage in the negative if you want to heal.  And, on that note, if the pain remains so severe that you just can't seem to move on, please get some counseling to help you manage the process professionally.  Your goal is to support yourself and heal.  You will never do that by lashing out at the other person.  On the positive side, friends are a beautiful thing...finding ways to help others going through a tough time can be very healing, refocusing your efforts and thoughts and engaging in things that uplift you can go a long way in helping you heal.  Know that what you put into your recovery, you will get out of it.

When it's over, it's hard but realize in time that you will come to understand the lessons you intended to learn from the interaction.  The life lessons take time to become conscious of so don't beat yourself up, don't let others beat up on you and don't you beat up on others.  Every person we meet and interact with has something to teach us and something to learn from us.  Consider what the lesson might have been.  What did you do in the interaction that felt good?  What did you do in the interaction that felt bad?  What might you do the next time certain situations crop up (lessons do repeat, my friends)?  Give yourself room to breathe, room to heal and room to grow.  Broken hearts can mend if we but give ourselves permission to let them heal.  There are some aspects of pain that may never seem to heal.  Know that this IS okay to and trust that in time, despite the pain, it's focus will grow less and less in your conscious mind while you decide to move forward with your life and create joy in other ways.

I wish you much love, light and healing dearest dreamers!  I pray your healing journey brings you much understanding.

Note:  For some assistance with grief, a very helpful article that I've found.  Click here

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart (photo, random internet find - link, belongs to noted author on that page).

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