Friday, January 27, 2017
I didn’t sleep much last night. I’m not sure why on one hand and on the other, I’m not surprised at all. Social media is teaming with fear, fear and well, some more fear. I wasn’t consciously engaged in it much as I know it is just the political machinations of a new administration at the core of it. As if the change were not enough to send people over the edge, then there is what comes next, more change. I finally got myself up at 4:30 am and engaged in my ordinary routine...there was a shower and coffee in my immediate future and, well, it’s Friday and I’ve got the day off.
A day off for a mom doesn’t always work out to be anything else but not showing up at the office. I had children to get to school, chores on a timeline (aka, the trash-truck comes this morning) and I’ve got old furniture to schedule for a pick up, appointments to schedule and correspondence to attend to. In the midst of all this my mind drifts to the cool weather and the first real Winter for us in California in a few years. The rain washed everything clean and now we’ve got a strong cool wind blowing everything away. The trees look so bare with few rebel leaves holding tight against the wind. The skies are so blue and I’m grateful, so warm here tapping away at the keys on my computer.
Such an exciting life, isn’t it? Sometimes I allow the stray thoughts of dissatisfaction to roam and I just notice them without attaching much importance to them. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would have what I wanted most, to be a Mother, to have my own place and to be able to carry myself and my family through this world. I’m far from carefree though. I’ve got a shoulder injury we don’t know the origins of and weeks ahead of chiropractic care and painful physical therapy. It’s a bit daunting and frustrating but I’ll do whatever it takes because I can’t lose the use of my arm, I’m only 50 for goodness sake and intend to enjoy the rest of my life!
I’m not overly optimistic about our little part of the world here of late but I hold fast to a state of curiosity and fight off the doomsdayer's words looking away from them at every turn. I just don’t see much use in engaging in dreadful thoughts about a horrid future. I can’t engage with the people bashing women or anyone else for marching for what they believe in or the others engaging in wholly unsavory behavior ruining the world they live in because of someone they think is ruining their world. This makes no sense to me. I’m a peaceful soul who holds compassion truly for all sides. I understand. Everyone does the thing they think is best for them, they act out sometimes, terrorize sometimes but none of it matters in the way they think. They take global things personally and personal things globally and it’s all like some far out and crazy circus of madness if you ask me.
Today, I’m going to be home, resting. I may write a bit, color in the gorgeous coloring books my partner and children bought me and maybe resign myself to letting the world be as it is and love it any way for its multi-faceted display of experiences. Life is truly amazing when you shift your perspective to one of observation without emotional attachment to specific outcomes. It doesn’t create the horrid apathy one thinks. Instead, at least for me, it creates a greater appreciation within me for diversity, expression and the varied perspectives we hold. I may not like everything that is happening in the world right now but I know that the only thing I can bring to it is my loving attention, positive energy, respect and appreciation right now. Anything else I might engage in emotionally, might not be so positive or uplifting for me or those around me.
I will do my best to see a better world and ignore those who attempt so vigorously to cram fear in my face and destroy the true love, compassion and peace in my soul. I won’t let them even if I know they mostly mean well. I may be unpopular in my approach to what is but I’ll not waste energy where it is not needed. I just can’t bring myself to add to the negative energy of it all and believe me, there is a LOT of negative energy permeating all communication channels just now. So, I will do what I can. I will pray, support organizations that I think make a difference, fight hard to stay positive, optimistic and more that those in power will learn about what truly serves humanity, that the people will learn what truly serves and what doesn’t and mostly, above all else, I’ll pray for everyone mired in fear and those who need help and healing at this time. Some day in the life huh? Pretty low key, pretty boring and un-sensational. But for me, it is calm and peaceful amidst chaos. It seems it's always like that. I don’t mind so much any more. Blessings of peace, of hope and calm for all.
© 2017 Jaie Hart (photo/words)
Monday, January 16, 2017
I had occasion to visit a local theme park a few days ago. Aside from letting my inner child out with much excitement, I made an unexpected discovery. I’ve never been one for amusement park rides or fast-moving roller-coasters that take you way up high away from the Earth’s normal pull on your being and let you free fall quickly back down. There is a feeling in it that I just never cared for. To describe it might sound strange or to some of you, not but its that tightening sensation at the core of my being during free fall that I just never ever liked. I don’t care for the feeling of gravity forces on me at any rate of speed. I guess I just never found any joy in it.
Well, upon my recent visit to the “Happiest place on Earth,” I went on one of those rides…not a big one or a fast one, mind you, but one with a bit of a drop. This time as I approached the few seconds before the drop I knew would be coming, instead of tensing up, I let go. I let go and let whatever would happen, happen. The rise in the darkness came and then the drop and I relaxed so fully into the experience of it I felt near out of body. Time slowed in my consciousness and I felt a very familiar sensation. It was nearly just like that moment in the void during my NDE (Near Death Experience) where there was no motion, no body to tense, no light, no anything but just me, my consciousness and a presence. Well, that is what I felt this time. I let go so fully without any concern. I found myself for mere seconds in a state where nothing in my life held any significance for me and that meant, there was nothing for me to fight against. In that moment "life" as I knew it didn’t hold significance because I knew whether I tensed up or relaxed, all was going to be as it was. It needed no interference from me focused or not and it would go on as it was meant to. It's hard to put the exact sentiment into words.
When I reached the bottom of the drop, my senses came back to me with the sounds of rushing water and the screaming of exhilaration from the children I traveled on the ride with (grown up ones too) and I just smiled from somewhere deep inside of my being. I knew what was coming, I knew I didn’t care for the feeling of gravity pulling me back to Earth but I enjoyed it truly for the first time in this life. Now, I’ll not be setting my sights on bigger and faster roller-coasters for that just isn’t my way. I don’t derive joy from getting a fix of my own adrenaline. Every day life does that enough for me, honestly. But, I did feel a sense of triumph. Not for making it through the amusement park ride but rather for a moment of letting go so completely that I felt myself disappear into a place of pure peace, quiet and freedom. I can’t explain it any better than that.
It was a perfect day in every other way but in this moment, I found the day to be extraordinary and it took the least amount of effort. It took only a split second decision to shift my focus from a point of resistance to a point of complete and total surrender and I have to tell you that it freed a part of my psyche in a way I can’t say I’ve enjoyed much in my life. Now, I don’t intend to run around the rest of my life extrapolating tiny moments of decision making to give myself a little buzz of triumph but I will hold gratitude for every moment that I am granted and have wits about me enough to recognize that in much of this life I am given a choice in terms of how I will experience something. That, to me, is an epic outcome to a simple and yet at times very complex, adventure…Life.
Copyright 2017, (photo and words), Jaie Hart