Not an Every Day Journey

 

 

I woke up early to watch the sky change colors as the sun climbed up into the sky.  The display is one I never ever tire of.  Its magical how the sky goes from inky black with millions of pin point stars, to dark blue, faded blue, to smoky pink, peach and then golden.  Every new day always strikes me as a rebirth.  It isn’t actually that but the world turning on its axis as it orbits the sun. But I like my magical thoughts more than my scientific ones this morning. 

 

I made some coffee, fed the cat and retrieved and then filled the bird feeders.  I sipped coffee watching my little winged friends flitting about excited for an easy meal.  The brightly colored Finches and Sparrows are a favorite.  After they finish a nibble, the bigger birds swoop in to pick up off the ground what the little birds pushed out of the feeders.  The Grackles and Doves get a bite too.  I just love to see them for some reason.  I have small windchimes around the posts that hold the feeders so I can hear when the birds fly in for breakfast.  Well that and I love the little windchimes.

 

It's cool out now so I threw the front and back doors open.  I can hear the birds singing happily along with the occasional whir of air conditioning units kicking on.  Out here in the desert, we are heavily dependent on the air conditioning to keep us not only comfortable but safe from the extreme heat of the late Spring and Summer days.  Sometimes I long for greener scenery but there is something about this place that called to me so long ago.  It came to me one afternoon nearly 20 years ago.  I lived in Southern California and was paying ridiculous amounts of rent, daycare on three kids on one income.  The idea of moving to Arizona came to me.  I could at least solve the exorbitant housing expense.  I just wasn’t quite ready to leave.  But then, over the years the call changed.  Added to it was a desire to not just move to a new place but to be a home owner.  As a single parent of 3, there was just no way I could come up with a down payment.  There was also no way my boss at that time was going to let me telecommute.  A few years later, I had 4 children and no idea how to manifest the dream.  But it came back due to circumstances reinforcing the original thought – giving me pause to remember and consider. I wondered, why couldn’t I just manifest the resources?  That changed to – why don’t I just manifest the resources. And that is exactly what I did.

 

I found my desired location (the city felt like home as soon as I accidentally found it) and started looking for houses in my price range.  I figured out what I needed for a down payment.  I definitely didn’t have that but I didn’t let that discourage me.  I imagined what it would feel like to sit in my back yard sipping coffee.   I imagined my bank account growing so that I would have enough.  I stayed open, positive, and every day looked at homes and started getting really excited about the idea.  I found myself a mortgage broker and an agent.  I found a way to manage a down payment, pulled together the funds for a mover and before I knew it an offer had been made and accepted on a home that really sparked my inner being.  We went to Arizona to see the house and fell in love.  45 days later, we were moving in.

 

I was paying twice my now mortgage plus just for rent in California.  But, my new boss allowed me to telecommute and I was able to bring my California salary with me to Arizona.  My dreaming, positive thinking, staying open to ideas that would better align me to my goal paid off.  Here I sit 4 years later on my back patio sipping coffee watching the birds munching happily the bird seed I just filled the bird feeders with.  I did it on my own.  I did what I once thought impossible.  I manifested a dream I scarcely let out into the light of day.  I’m still amazed today at how everything came together.

 

The trick was giving voice to the dream, as specific as I could while staying completely open to the how and trusting the how would come together.  I did my part.  I researched, I gave good positive thoughts to it daily, I worked to do my part and not one hitch was encountered.  It could have been a disaster, but it wasn’t.  Uprooting your life from being born and raised in one state to another is no easy thing.  But it was the perfect thing for us.  I always knew that Arizona held magic for me. Yeah, there’s that word again.  Let me have my magic!  My first grandchild was born a year ago and as I ease myself into that next part of life I have managed with the Universe’s help, to create for myself a fabulous framework for that next stage whatever it will hold for me.  I couldn’t be happier.

 

More than thirty years ago while driving through the desert, a thought came to me – “Lost and Found in the Desert.”  I didn’t think much of it at the time but as I sit here now, I know exactly what that means for me.  I was lost in so many ways before but when I came here, to the desert in the land of the sun, I found myself.  I found what I didn’t even know had been missing.  The journey of the last 30 years, every step, every misstep, all the good times, all the hard times – they all led up to this moment.   In this moment I feel tried and tested.  I feel strong and so happy.  Times won’t always feel happy because there have been some hard, hard things to face on this journey.  While I know now that dreams can come true, the every day journey is going with the flow, knowing that emotions and circumstance are fleeting, and that every life journey is extraordinary.  It’s no everyday ordinary journey that brought me here.  It was a dream that I gave voice too, concentrated on and helped manifest into reality.  I’m grateful for every part of my journey up until now. The good times – the bad times – the happy times and dire sad times…all of those times instilled in me the character I needed to build, let shine, let grow and to keep on dreaming.  Yeah, this had not been your every day journey.  It has been a magical one.

 

© 2023 J.L. Harter (photos and words)

The Heart Break of Letting Go and Healing

At so many different points in my life I have faced the agonizing decision of letting go.  I have let go of jobs, places I loved, People I loved and even family pets that I loved so much.  None of these can be faced, I think, without encountering some level of intense grief in the act of letting go.  I don’t deal with these situations very well.  When I realize these are manifesting in my life for whatever reason, my body physically starts to fight back hard with that deep and heavy feeling in the chest, that sinking feeling of horrendous anxiety, or those doubtful feelings of failure, of losing something important or realizing you just can’t hold on anymore either for self-preservation or it’s just time for others to go.  So, letting go becomes the only option for many reasons.

 

In my time on Earth, I have had some pretty epic letting go scenarios.  The first and the hardest were letting my parents go. One through death, the other through substance and resulting extreme toxicity that I could no longer bear.  The latest, a beloved pet I raised from a puppy.  For some reason this feels like the worst letting go of all of them.  I’m not sure why really but I suspect that the grief of any letting go is cumulative.  You don’t ever heal from letting go and each time a new scenario presents itself and you must decide again that you must let go even when you don’t want to, all the pain from all of the past letting go’s come straight back out to the light of day from the depths of your soul.

 

They say grief and pain heal in time.  Sitting here today, I know that isn’t true.  You can come to terms with letting go, the emotional whirlwind of grief but when you love so deeply and must let go, there is no real recovery.  You must learn to expand who you are, stretch your very capacity for understanding, love and compassion and learn to live despite the pain.  It’s the hardest thing to do.  But what I can offer is that there is something I discovered along the way when dealing with the heart break of having to let go.  I mean, first and foremost, counseling is helpful in managing the processing of emotion. Given.  Important.  Please do it if you face extreme pain in letting go whether mandatory of voluntary. 

 

Next, what begins must end.  Nothing stays the same forever. On this planet, in this dimension and framework, things begin and end.  Or, well, things shift focus.  What is of primary emotional focus, will not be so in 365 days more than likely, or 6 months, or 1 month or whatever.  The same is true of emotional pain. The time leading up to the imminent decision of letting go is the worst, the moment of feels worse yet and then days that immediately follow are pretty bad.  When it comes to letting go of people and pets, there is an energy separation that feels very physical.  That intense energy separation period seems to be its worst for the first 3 days following the letting go.  The rest of the next week, moments of feeling normal wash in like waves from time to time in increasing intensity.  The next week after that is the same.  Emotional moments and more normal feeling moments come. The pain starts to lose intensity at times and you start to have more blocks of time where you feel normal again.  As you continue to engage in moving forward, the third week really starts to cement the new habits.

 

Now, you can step back and freeze yourself in these early stages if your push yourself into denial or bargaining, which the mind may want to do. But if you could just acknowledge these arising when they do whithout curling up into the fetal position when you encounter them, you can keep forward progress. 

 

The year of firsts is really a thing.  Key dates that first year will be difficult, as your mind wanders through memories or temporarily forgets that you had to let go, these moments can be painful.  Acknowledge the pain and know, the level of pain is equal to the love. That thought really helps you to give yourself some compassion.  Of course, it hurts, you loved.  They go hand in hand.

 

Now, when the letting go is voluntary, extra care is definitely needed.  Your mind could potentially dream up all sorts of scenarios where – you wouldn’t have to say good by if only this or that had happened.  But backwards thinking, wishing or fantasizing cannot change today.  You can also worry or doubt yourself into oblivion about whether or not you did the right thing but here is where a big dose of self-assurance and trust comes in.  If you gauged a situation as any form of danger whether that be emotional, physical or financial, to the point you felt letting go was required, trust yourself.  At the end of the day, the person you owe is yourself. Setting health boundaries means that sometimes you will need to let go of all that is not in alignment with what you need. There will be no shortage of challenge, judgement or harassment for boundaries and letting go when you felt you needed to.  If you are concerned, get counseling to vet your thoughts and decisions before you invoke them.  Then trust yourself to do the right thing by yourself.  Your happiness and quality of life matter.  That happiness and quality of life is something within your power to control.  You cannot control other people.  You may be able to influence them or their behavior, but you cannot change the reality of the exchange.  If it is toxic or dangerous for you in any way, letting go may help you preserve you.  Even though pain in such an instance is seemingly self-inflicted, it’s really no different than an involuntary letting go.  You must work through the steps and if you can steer clear of second guessing yourself or entertaining the harassment of those who don’t agree with your decision, you will move on and eventually learn to live your life again despite the pain.

 

Pain isn’t the enemy. When I feel it, I’ll be honest…a part of me panics.  I may actually have panic attacks of the kind where I lose consciousness as my system is overwhelmed with anxiety and emotion.  It is really uncomfortable.  I face the same reaction whether the letting go is voluntary or involuntary.  Although it is definitely made worse by outside harassment after I have decided that the best thing for me is to let go.  I know that if the decision to let go comes to my mind, I have already done all I can do, managed all that I can, considered all other options for me and must do what I feel is right. That is my right.  Bottom line. Dealing with the pain, as I said is similar.  Getting over heart break and the panicky feelings of the first days is hard.  You cannot heal them completely, but I think “getting over” is a better way to put it.  You learn to accept in time as you continue with your life, and you expand enough to do that. The pain may always be there, and you may even be reminded and feel that twinge of pain from time to time but sometimes letting go is the only thing that you can do.  No matter what anyone else says, the way you deal with parting is individual and unique.  My experience here may not be true for you.  I’ve just observed the energetic aspect – that physical feeling of separation that is the hardest at first. That energy deficit does calm down and right itself within about 3 weeks.  Emotional pain may take longer to work through, and each path is different there.

 

The most important thing that you can do for yourself when you are facing one of the many “letting go” periods of your life is to be really good to yourself.  Honor the emotions you feel, acknowledge them, give yourself time to feel them.  Emotional times aren’t necessarily times for action though.  Keep in mind that when you are grieving, you are impaired when it comes to things like decisions.  Rely on your circle to help you through any decisions that must be made during grieving.  Any important decisions that can be put off while you are grieving, put them off for a time.  Turn your focus inward kindly and gently.  The things that have helped me most during times of grief were just the simple acts of daily living.  Getting up in the morning when I don’t feel like it, showering, getting dressed, getting myself presentable as normal or eating, working and taking care of my home.  Take it easy on yourself but do keep up with as many of your responsibilities as you can.  Get outside if you can.  Breathe in nature with your lungs, with your eyes, with your ears and with your heart.  These things all help.

 

Letting go is part of life.  As I said, everything changes – nothing ever stays the same. We must learn to roll with the punches, flow with the changes and some days this will take epic amounts of energy and sheer force of will.  That’s okay.  Just keep going.  Even when it seems like life his horrible and dark, it won’t aways seem that way.

 

© 2023 J.L. Harter (photos/words)

Change in Season - Facing Change

 

No matter what we do or say, there are few things we can count on in our lives...the world will turn, the sun will rise and there will be stars up in the sky whether obscured by sunlight or accented by darkness. Gravity is fairly constant and something we must learn to contend with day in and day out.  For now, the coffee is warm – aromatic and I’m sipping it peacefully as the sun climbs above the horizon (or, more accurately put, the Earth is noticeably turning at one of those times of day that it is truly noticeable).

 

The long scorching hot Summer came and went and if I’m honest, I’d say uneventfully.  That’s not a problem in my book.  Uneventful means I’ve had moments of clarity, of peace and of quiet.  The birds are singing just now, and it is reasonably cool out in my little corner of the world.  The Chinese Elm in my back yard is speckled now with yellow leaves that soon will fall.  At this time of year, I am always reminded that the trees just let their leaves fall.  It is part of their existence – their nature.  Funny it is that we humans hold on to things…memories, stuff, and thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts.  When we can muster a moment of clarity and let things drop away and become even more clear, more grounded and even more grateful, we can flow more easily through the stream of the elements and Seasons that make up our experience of life.

 

Fall winds here always seems to bring change.  Those Fall winds are blowing now and soon into the season too.  I remain curious about the changes going on around me.  Some changes are uncomfortable because of the unknown aspects of potential consequences but some changes are good bringing relief and an opportunity to refresh, begin again, usher in new thought and energy.  While uncomfortable for a time, I’d like to think that change is ultimately good – whether wanted or unwanted. Pivotal moments where lives and paths intersect always bring the possibility of change and growth. Well, the growth-part is a choice we'd be wise to make.  I am okay with change even if it feels uncomfortable for a time. If I dig in my heels and resist, the only soul I’d be hurting is myself and I have vowed time and time again, never to intentionally cause self-harm! We can't really fight change in our lives - time marches on - a constant.

 

The seasons of my life have brought me much that I am so grateful for.  I stand much more confidently in my own skin these days and so the changes blowing all around me aren’t something that I get overly concerned about.  If I walk back through my memories, I can clearly see that change has been the one very dominant constant in my life along with breathing – up to this point.  It is part of my awareness and existence.  I am constantly reminded to appreciate all that I have experienced and to cherish the good and bad alike.  It is all part of my experience of life on planet Earth.  Although I am very aware of the change thoughts running through my mind this morning, I intend to just breathe, remain curious and hopeful – grateful – committed.

 

Coffee consumed and first morning chores complete (feed the doggo and the kitty cat), I now must return to the routine of my day.  I’ll do so contemplative today.  I feel it already.  I have much to wonder about.  I have much gratitude yet to fully appreciate and I’ll keep that in mind throughout my day today.  At this moment in time, all is well, no major concerns or worries and I intend to appreciate a day off of my work-a-day world.  I have learned that I am well prepared and grounded enough and with trust in my ability enough to face whatever consequences of change that I encounter.  I have proven myself resourceful, thoughtful and capable of pivoting quickly if need be.  I think that is the beauty of experience and growing older in this frame.  When you look back and recount all of the things and situations you have faced and mastered, you begin to develop very strong trust in yourself to face your life with an ever diminishing sense of fear and angst and an ever growing sense of strength, wisdom and confidence.  I love that.  I hope what ever change blows your way brings you the courage to stand and face it standing tall in your skin with curiosity and confidence.  You’ve got this.  Have a lovely Fall!  Enjoy every turn of color, gently falling leaf and hopefully, gently changing temperatures that don’t shock your system! 

 

© J.L. Harter, September 2022 (photo and words)

Unexpected Gifts the Moment Reveals

Our concerns and cares change over time, don’t they?  When I began blogging back in 2009 or so, so much of my life was in chaos and I carried so many worries and concerns.  I carried my hopes and dreams too and actually managed to manifest a few.  But my concerns and worries have vastly changed.

 

Call it the wisdom of aging and experience maybe or finally learning what matters most in life, I guess.  But then I think again, have my concerns and cares really changed or is it I who have changed?  I’m pretty sure the latter heavily influenced the former.  I think that is how it is – this life here on Earth.  Some moments in time feel like an utter eternity, particularly during the most painful, bewildering and challenging moments.  I remember a phrase so often heard throughout my years that stuck with me and has been reinforced over and over again to the point that even in my most excruciating moments I know to the heart and soul of me, “This too, shall pass.”  Every happy moment, every sad and tragic moment, every fear, every moment of elation – This too, shall pass.  We too shall pass.

 

I think this is why mindfulness grabbed a hold of me unconsciously at first.  It resonated so deeply within me I didn’t recognize the truth of it  - although I knew the present moment was all we had logically.  It passes and quickly and we must then courageously face the next and the next moment for as long as our hearts are beating.  How do we do that?  It is literally one breath at a time.  Even if the breaths come quick and ragged, one breath at a time.  How do we get anywhere or achieve anything?  One step at a time.  We may wish with all of our might that we were anywhere but a current painful moment.  But, if we were to rush past it without fully experiencing it, we would miss something important.  A moment is fleeting, like a heartbeat, the blink of an eye…so quickly does life pass in a stream and sometimes seemingly, a rushing river.

 

I think the greatest gift I’ve been given in all of my life is trust in myself to manage the painful moments without shrinking back from them.  That doesn’t mean my foolish mind doesn’t at times wish I could jump timelines or dimensions.  It does.  But I don’t seek that with sincerity.  I stop, breathe in the moment whether I judge it good or bad - painful or joyful.  I leave that moment and carry into the next the wisdom and trust to know I can face the next moment because I survived the last.  Funny thoughts for a Sunday I suppose.  The day escaped me so quickly.  I could swear 5 minutes ago it was 5:15 am and my cat was meowing at my door to be fed.

 

But since that moment, I accomplished so many other things I set out to do and now here it is nearly 2:00 pm on a Sunday.  My mind is very present appreciating the quality of the light as I notice Summer slowly readying itself to merge into Fall.  There is just something about the light, the position of the sun, or the way that the shadows from the branches of my tree move that I begin to notice in earnest every year about this time.  Something within shifts and I move from the hopeless heat of an unforgiving Arizona Summer into the hope of Fall and cooler nights soon to be followed by cooler days as the days slowly begin to exist shorter and shorter minute by minute.

 

Time is a funny thing in and of itself.  It can reel you in or spin you out if you are not careful and grounded.  I never expected to be this me at this point in time.  But moment by moment, breath by breath, step by step, and heartbeat by heartbeat I got here to this moment.  I am not unscathed by the moments that came before, but I remain grateful for this moment, well – all of my moments and I remain hopeful for the next and next.  I do not wish to rush and I will not fight time’s passage by wishing it to slow.  In mindfulness I have learned to appreciate what is as it is.  That appreciation was and is hard won.  It takes a long uphill battle to find that prize.  I hope it remains ever in my grasp.  Blessings for your precious realization of this moment, and courage for your next breath, step and heartbeat.

 

 

© 2022 J.L. Harter Photo and Words

 

 

Collected Moments

I woke up before the sun this morning. Feeling peaceful, I went about my routine. Coffee brewing, I opened the blinds to let in the slowly expanding light.  I’d like to say I enjoyed the cool of the morning but there was no cool to be had.  It’s just about summer in The Valley of the Sun and while mornings are cooler, they are certainly not cool at all.  But, the beauty of sunrise is unmistakably wonderous and amazing to behold no matter the time of year.  The birds are singing, Mourning Doves cooing and I can hear the soft whir of air conditioning units humming in unison like some strange song that sets your teeth on edge a bit.

 

Times are strange, I think.  My exciting moment of the day will be a second booster dose of the COVID vaccine and hoping that one case of Monkey Pox in my county hasn’t spread.  That’s just all we need, another pandemic.  Many folks act as if the pandemic ended but it hasn’t.  Case numbers are still high for COVID but people just don’t seem to care as much.  COVID seems to be becoming a new norm and I must say that I don’t like it.  Unfortunately, it is a reality so I have no choice but to accept this thing I cannot change and do my best to enjoy all other aspects of my life as best as I can.  COVID has come through my door like 5 or 6 times now.  I must say though, having been vaccinated, we fortunately get through it without issue and with most of us fully vaccinated, it becomes a mild inconvenience for a few days.

 

I’m about to finish my 55^th trip around the sun in just a few months and I’ve noticed some changes in my world view, my internal practices, and the way that I feel physically.  I no longer view the world with 20/20, arthritis greets me every morning already, and you’d think that would be disheartening but to me, it isn’t.  It’s becoming more and more like gravity and I notice it but move on.  I’m grateful to live in a warm and dry climate (pats self on the back for a smart move a few years back).  My tolerance for heat has really grown.  I love the sunlight in this place.  We have dark skies so infrequently here.  I’m loving my little refuge in the desert.  I’m loving being a Grandmother.  I’m struggling with being the owner of a dog with a bad disposition.  The training is an every day thing for life to keep him in check.  Beautiful dog and I love him so.

 

My life has grown quiet these past many years in most areas and I have to say that the last few years have been really happy ones.  Despite a crazy load of work for the day job, all is calm, all is bright.  The things that used to really dig in underneath my skin are seemingly of no consequence unless I’ve allowed myself to become too tired or overly stressed.  I love how age and wisdom dulls our sharp edges.  I relish the peace in striving to please no one but myself for a change.  I love waking every morning knowing this game of life is truly me against me.  Blame no longer haunts me.  Guilt recedes like the light into the darkness.  Victim thinking of any kind rarely takes hold.  I don’t hope for better tomorrows but instead take a breath and feel my way through the present moment over and over again.  Your life changes when you learn the enormous gift the present truly is.

 

So, a few paragraphs I leave you with of nothing much to say.  Growing quieter by the day still for no real reason other than the years of fears, worries and angst have all worked themselves out in my world.  My deepest thoughts these days are of the beauty in every moment of every day, the depth of the sky observing tiny pinpoints of far away light, the amazing array of colors during sunset, the way a child’s innocent face not only lights up a room but an entire life.  I have been so blessed. For all that has come before this moment, I am truly grateful.  For all that is present, I am humbled.  For all that has yet to come, I remain ever hopeful – curious – welcoming.  Have a blessed day, week, year, life – moment.

 

 

 

copyright 2022 Janice Harter (photo/words)

Blessings for Another New Year

 

This Holiday Season has been precious and wonderful, despite all of the restrictions. I missed some members of my family but thanks to electronic communications, I’ve been able to keep in touch with all.  I’d be lying if I said my thoughts don’t meander into the darkness wondering when on Earth this pandemic will end and wondering when we might be able to traverse the out of doors when a smile in passing can actually be shared and seen.  I can’t linger much in the darkness with my thoughts because it takes me away from the present.  If I have learned anything in all of my years is that the present moment is all we have.

 

There is much to be stressed and concerned about these days, but I don’t choose to wander among the wishful thinking or petty frustrations for too long.  I’d rather hold out hope for strength for those folks fighting to remain healthy, comfort for those in mourning, and love for those feeling left out and lonely.  I want ever so much to remain compassionate for all of those battles fought in the minds and hearts of my fellow human beings all over the world.  I cannot help but whisper a nightly prayer for those both within my circle and especially those far beyond it.  I pray for less inclement weather, calm seas, skies and psyches.  I pray for wisdom to find the ignorant as much as those folks seeking it.

 

We go into a new year in just a few short days.  I find that I’m grateful to be here to witness the calendar’s change into another new year.  I’m grateful the light begins to return day by day even if that means welcoming the super-hot temps of my little corner of the world.  I think about prosperity for people, ease in their suffering, and that each may find some measure of happiness no matter how fleeting that might seem in this new year. 2022…oh my, I cannot believe that I’m here to see it. 

 

One of the things that has kept me going these past challenging couple of years is an immense gratitude for everything.  When I’m feeling the stress and strain of this or that, I step outside to feel the breeze, listen to the birds sing, feel the grass beneath my feet, watch the clouds sailing by or reverently witness the fiery pink glory of sunrise and the awe-striking display of orange at sunset.  I listen to the sounds outside – people with hearts and thoughts driving here or there, my neighbors talking, the four-legged canines barking at this sound or that…it’s all of these things that reminds me that life goes on and it will always go on.  I find I’m less emotional these days and more confident in the world’s workings.  I’m more comfortable in my own skin, with my own heart, memories and experiences.  I found happiness amidst chaos by welcoming all memories that arise and breathing gently in the present.

 

I have seen so much and despite the horrors conveyed on the news or in social media, I know one thing is true, there are more than descent, reasonable, helpful, honest, hardworking people out there that care about this world and all life in it.  That fact comforts me.  I pray for them the most so that they may be continually inspired to create what this world most needs – healing, comfort, caring and compassion.  Wherever you are or find yourself this New Year’s Eve, may you be healthy, may you be happy, may you find comfort, may you be safe, and may you be at peace.  Blessings for a safe, abundant, successful and joyous new year! 

 

© December 2021, photo and words J.L. Harter

Fallish Contemplations - Waxing Philosophical - Spiritual

 

I think when the Universe was seemingly taking a baseball bat to every structure in life that I built, I tended to write a lot more.  As I wrote about this or that, I tended to start to sort things out so I could try to figure things out.  This went on for years and years and then something happened.  Well, maybe it was a string of things but one day, I opened my eyes and there was nothing there but peace after a night of dreams where everything seemed to be in my favor.  I thought, is it over?  Is the chaos of quadruple PhD level life lessons coming all at once finally over?  Well, maybe not but the intensity of emotion and the victim feelings and also the feeling of emotional upheaval and panic was definitely was over.

 

What came in the place of all that chaotic emotion?  To put it simply, Understanding…not just of the universe and all of its many and infinitely varied machinations, not just of psychology and how in each of us healthy psychology is dotted with moments of a childhood (and past lives even) frozen within us in time creating actions, unconscious reactions and the like. That understanding left me with greater compassion and a very clear knowing that the world is not black and white – it is gray, violet, red, green, blue, turquoise, white, fuchsia, orange and hot pink!  It left me with greater understanding of what I remained open to, what I was closed to and what I remained ever so curious about.  I’ll be honest, years and years of upheaval triggered a kundalini awakening nearly 10 years ago and then everything sort of fell apart belief-wise within me.  It all started to dissolve – what I wanted for a career, illusions about family, friendships and what makes us good or bad or wrong or right.  They should really have more clinical help for those who go through a kundalini awakening.  It is a physical-mental-spiritual crisis-like experience that can take years to sort out (if you ever sort it all out).

 

In a way, it helps to purge those things within us that really no longer serve if (and that is a very big IF) and only if you are willing to let things go, remain curious enough to see more sides than just your limited experience and perceptions of things (which are incredibly shaped by your psychology – yep).  The further I got from my peak experience, the harder it became for me to write about anything.  I sort of lost my interest in trying to figure everything out and instead, as much as I could, I tried to just focus more on beingmore present, breathing, letting things and people be as they are and learn to fully trust myself to show up and deal with whatever showed up on my path.  And I have and I know that I will continue to do so (even if I have to do that scared sometimes).

 

Heavy duty and prolonged emotional stress takes a toll on a body and mind.  If you do not change the way you look at things or the limited beliefs that perhaps unwittingly skewed your perspective up to the point you encounter intense and prolonged stress, you may fold up within it.  That's not necessarily a bad thing - to fold up within it and take some extra time and self-care to manage it. Our fear of that happening is actually worse than it is.  I had a near nervous breakdown within months of my kundalini experience.  In my best recollection it seems like so many unconscious things were attempting to resolve themselves lightning fast (more quickly than I could contemplate what was going on, prepare to manage and respond to).  I worked through that period carefully, with tons of help and support and I finally came out the other side not unscathed but stronger.  Not just stronger but more grounded, settled, self-reliant, more willing to show up for and stand up for myself, more willing to follow my inner urgings of what I want and need most, and more able to take things as they come. 

 

I don’t have all the answers I thought a kundalini experience would bring but I got to feel something that is beyond words. In memory, it now seems like it was an experience of conscious me touching the purest part of the soul of my higher self – no judgement, no fear, no worry, just utter love and complete acceptance within a beautiful moment in time.  I guess when you touch something like that, it is bound to change you and I do, in fact, feel very changed.  Now, back to what reminded me of all of this...  It was the shockingly vibrant and gorgeous colors of the setting sun the other night.  So many colors I can’t even name but neon red, pink, orange and yellow, pastel blue, pink and purple, smokey gray, light gray and punctuated beautiful by stars.  Yeah, stars – the first ones in the fading light that followed.  In that moment, the beauty was so pure and simple, it reminded me of my kundalini experience – the explosion of colors that you don’t just see but feel and hear, touch and taste in this inexplicable way no one has every prepared you to experience.  It was a good memory.  It was truly a beautiful sunset. 

 

As the color slowly drained from the sky, the fiery display having peaked and now waning, I looked back at how far I have come in my life, the decisions made, actions taken, hard work completed and even some still ongoing.  I sat there in the nearing dark for many quiet moments smiling from ear to ear and feeling the Earth turning deep within the soul of me.  This is a good life.  I love this life.  I love all who are experiencing it at this time.  I love all who have come before, those who will come again and those who have yet to come.  Wishing you blessings for sense making of your life lessons, healing for all the things that pain you, patience for all the things that vex you and compassion for every moment you need it. 

 

© 2021 J.L. Harter (photo and words)