Sunday, November 12, 2017
If I look back, across the entire span of my life, I see many things. I have experienced a great share of loss, of pain, anguish, betrayal, unpleasant surprise, wounding, mistreatment and dire sadness. If I look back at those emotions, I might see an entire life wasted in frustration and feeling too much pain. If I shift my gaze but just a little, I can also see triumph, recovery phases, moments of epiphany when the lessons dawned on my sleeping mind and an endless well of strength from which I dealt with all of my experiences. If I look back carefully at the entire span of my life, I can see there too, great and magical joy, bliss, discovery, wonder, amazement, curiosity and a drive to always seek deeper meaning and understanding. It has been a good life, I can say, in my first 50 years on planet Earth.
Now, now I begin a new part, a new path, and in many ways the same direction only with a broader worldview, a less personal worldview and a more open perspective on a great many things. I have experienced for a great while, a feeling of stasis, non-movement, and silence all with a great sense of anticipation, but for what, I just do not yet know. So, I dial it all back to the basics with great reverence and curiosity and notice the little things that haven’t caught my attention like the young tree standing near 6 feet tall in my garden. I sought to pull it out once many years ago and it merely persisted. So, I let it live where it is most want to grow and I’m happy to let it. I haven’t a clue about what kind of tree it is and it doesn’t really matter. It is strong and healthy and it sought purchase in the tiniest strip of land. I hope that it prospers and grows. I am reminded that we sometimes cannot even remotely understand the seeds we have planted. We cannot see until the evidence grows much stronger, and taller, right before our eyes.
Life is a struggle sometimes, it is hard sometimes and it is a bit too busy or quiet for our liking sometimes. But life persists despite our mental meanderings and musings, despite our emotions or desires and even dreams. Life persists on its terms in the way that might truly be the most beneficial for us. So, what to do in these next steps as the path slowly emerges? I don’t know other than taking deep and gentle breaths as I learn to walk more gently, treat this body and all beings here much more sensitively, and to love more every single stick and stone that I come across with an ever greater and endlessly unfolding sense of pure and pristine gratitude. Everything here has great history and magic as they have become here in this place. We seem to always be in a state of becoming here but there is always this tiny precious place within us that already just IS. Can you imagine that? A place within us that isn’t becoming anything, just a quiet, transparent persistence of being, the I AM, the All of Everything perhaps peering out through our being, shining light on the pathway, giving us the quiet impetus for motion? Life is a great wonder and I must say that I greatly look forward to every breath and step in this time-space for as long as I am here.
I believe that in my years of quiet contemplation and existence, I am learning to see without my physical eyes. I see through this sense of energy and feeling, this great sense of massive expanse stemming from everything in my field of vision. I begin to understand a more steady presence always humming in the background just below normal auditory sensation. It just IS and I’m not sure I need to wonder about that. I think I am taking great comfort in the ability to be a part of the beautiful energy that just IS. I suppose I could look back in regret or over-sentimentality here and there but that just really isn’t the heart of who I am. I’ve thought all of my life I should be this or that or engage in doing this or that not just the right way but in the most perfect way. All of it illusory thinking. Being a part of what IS truly is the greatest realization. Not focused on any form of It-ness but an Is-ness is much more liberating. It is hard to explain something that is more of a feeling and not an emotion at all but perhaps a different sense altogether.
It won’t matter much to you unless you have wondered about these things. I’ve learned in all of this time and with all of this experience that thinking cannot get you anywhere near this feeling of being with what IS. And, this feeling carries its own sort of magic, peace and beautiful gratitude. It contains within it a sense of perfect flow like an unimpeded stream. I hope that you one day experience this. I may write some more on this topic if the thoughts ever decide to coalesce better. Until then, grab hold of gratitude for every breath you are here to take and treat yourself with pure and beautiful gentleness along with a great reverence. Your being is beautiful. Blessings.
Copyright 2017, Jaie Hart (photo/words)