Saturday, September 29, 2012

Dating - Be Wary of the Ego Feed

The title says it all and I'm not sure if I could really add more to it but I can't be satisfied with that so will dig in a little more.  This article is focused on those entering the dating market or already in it seeking a relationship of some sort.  This topic will be a little challenging as I truly wish to steer clear of some very negative things but I will try, as is my way, to focus on the positive side.  This article, though, is most definitely a warning.  So take it as such or leave it completely.  There is no consequence for not taking my advice.  You have your own experiences to get to right?  (smiles)

When we are entering the dating realm, unless you know someone very well already, you need to get yourself focused on what you want, what you hope to achieve and get out there and meet lots of women and/or men as is your choice.  There is no greater feeling than meeting someone you connect with and sharing many thoughts and ideas with them and then before too long, entering those initial stages of infatuation. Infatuation is the first stage and can be generated by physical, mental or emotional attraction but know this, it is not and cannot be love.  There is no greater time than during this time to keep your feet firmly planted on Terra Firma, become acutely aware of those things that are not part of your dating goals and then, proceed with caution to explore someone to see if they fit the bill of those things that matter most to you.  Dating and finding the right person for you takes time and effort and please, as tempting as it may be, don't rush into anything before you are certain that you are seeing clearly.  Making any long-term decisions during the infatuation stage when you may not be seeing clearly is a recipe for potential disaster.

There are those out there who, for many reasons, are quite adept at establishing a sense of intimacy with you way too soon.  Those who establish that in the first one or two dates should throw up a red flag for you.  They establish that false sense of intimacy through getting to your ego.  They will flatter, flatter and flatter and if you aren't careful, you will respond, respond, respond to a fantasy being weaved like some sci-fi mind trick before your very eyes.  Realize something as you go in, the one's who establish a little too quickly that you are the most amazing person they've ever met, they can already feel like they are falling for you by date 3 (and they never let any one in this quickly) and know already that you will be married or living together and sharing a life together forever because no one has made them feel like you do - while terribly flattering - is actually a huge warning.  This is an epic fantasy being weaved to "hook" you if you are not grounded and very aware.  The reality is that it takes time and a true courtship for feelings of love to truly flourish and grow.  And someone you've been dating only a few months who starts to intimate marriage and those things that only close, time-tested couples consider after time spent together should be immediately suspect.  They are preying on your emotions, dreams and desires. Don't fall victim to the weavers of a fantasy.

When we meet someone new, there is a chemical reaction of physical attraction and then - the words spoken can generate additional chemical reaction if you take them as truth immediately without testing them out over time.  Before long, you might actually begin to think this is one of those very rare love at first sight things, long-lost past-life love things or true twin flame or soul mate things and you're so lucky.  While it is possible to find this out of the gate (it really does happen), know that it is extremely rare.  Realize that if it is truly love, it will bear out over time as you take your time and really get to know the person, not by their words but by watching them in action.  If you do happen to move too fast without the time put in to test someone to see if they truly are for real, be on the look out for what will come potentially within just a few short months. I don't mean to scare you but some of the personality disordered folks out there do tend to work very fast to hook you and your energy but they can hold up the perfect persona for only a few short months.  The fantasy starts to fall apart as their need for psychological transference and projection kicks in and you unwittingly become the ghost of all of their past pain.  I've written a little bit about this before out of experience...tested experience.

So, have fun when you are out there dating but realize that if someone is diving into engagement too quickly, co-habitation way too fast before you even know each other, suddenly needing you to loan them money, rescue them or otherwise extend yourself in a painful way before that true bond of a relationship has had time to form or promises you the moon but cannot seem to materialize even a grain of sand for you, you may be falling for a fantasy.  Just relax and test people and do so in a positive  way with integrity, by keeping your wits about you and knowing the process of the real love you likely seek doesn't happen after a few dates.  It just doesn't.  Forget about what you've seen in the movies or read in books...a real life partnership takes time and effort to see who you are really dealing with.  You can feel emotional manipulation in the pit of your stomach when those first few dates the false intimacy was established too soon to be followed by guilt and shame provoking requests, moving too fast and even resorting to insult or other manipulation when you do not follow along.  Be wary, be cautious, be smart and choose your steps, your words and your dating experiences carefully.  Your experience is what you make it but don't be fooled by those with a well hidden agenda and know that if you run across one with a hidden agenda - time will reveal them and if you don't take enough time to observe someone's actions as opposed to just words and the other things done just to distract you enough while you're hooked, you could end up in a very messy and even potentially dangerous situation.  It's not necessary so just be aware of how the process really works.

In summary - Attraction mentally, physically or emotionally sets off infatuation very quickly.  Realize that infatuation is created in your own mind by your own desires as much as someone who is trying to get you to fall.  In time and with physical interaction, you can test whether the faery tale woven is reality.  Stay grounded and observe and enjoy the process but don't fall for a fantasy.  You want something real don't you?  Love takes time to grow and a courtship - a physical courtship must be engaged in first (for you long-distance internet romancers - you cannot by pass this and truly expect a fully positive outcome - you need in person interaction for real love to grow - usually).  Don't get ahead of yourselves and don't let others lead and manipulate you down the garden path.  See what is real and know how things work.  Challenge the flatterers over time. They could be hiding something or they could be truly gracious.  You won't know until you take enough time to experience them.  Don't be distrustful but don't be gullible either.  Guilt and shame should never be part of a truly rewarding, loving and mature romance.  If you are experiencing that and don't want too, disconnect and try again with someone else.  Life is too short to engage in mere fantasy.  Take your time and find what is real for you.  Don't compromise on your boundaries because you truly deserve the best experience you can find.  Don't shop while you are hungry - don't engage in dating while you are hurting or otherwise overly vulnerable in any form of grief.  If there is any time to have clear thought, it is while dating someone new..

~Blessings of clarity, patience and clear seeing beautiful dreamers.  Life is what you make of it.  So, get out there and make it good!

(c) 2012 Jaie Hart - Photo is a random but beautiful internet find. :)

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