Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Fearful Ego and Thoughts

Tonight I felt like writing. I have so much swirling in my consciousness that it helps sometimes to sit down and start to sort things out. I’m one of those who takes in heaps and gobs of information, lets it spin and swirl for days and then I sit down to write to let the concepts coalesce and organize into consciousness. The past 3 years have been like a complete burning and regeneration for me...like a complete head on collision with the Phoenix! I’ve changed jobs, lost people in my life, pushed people not good for me out and moved. The goal was always ever to remove the negativity I’ve allowed to collect in places I did not want it. But, even if the changes we experience are good, change is difficult and causes resulting emotional distress at times.

That’s when I write the most because I need logic and rational organization of the things in my mind so that I can begin to compartmentalize things and reorganize and/or change my approach to life in general. I’ve been so stuck in deep and core-level self-analysis that it’s become nearly a habit. Everything I say or do analyzed and over-analyzed seeking always to perfect what cannot be perfected, me. I am so imperfect and fallible and I realize that in itself is perfection. If we were all “perfect” the way we typically think about perfection, the world would be a very boring place and we’d never learn the things about life and our reactions to it that we really need to learn so we can grow and find some measure of happiness or at least serenity.

One of the things I’ve come to learn is that my ego is full of fear. When my fearful ego is in control, things get anxious, things get off-balance and I feel off-centered. With so much change going on around me, these feelings have often been common place. But, I learned things along the way from beacons of light, also known as friends, that helped me disarm the ego, at least temporarily until I could regain my center. It’s really very simple. In fact, so simple we all over look it. When the ego is fearful and very busy thinking it’s fearful thoughts…just notice the thoughts and know that it is just your fearful ego in action. You are separate from your ego. If you were not, how could you observe the thoughts you are thinking? So, when in this frame, I can shut off the fear and feel more of the love inside, if you will. This feeling helps me regain my center, it helps me re-balance and think more clearly. Once I’ve gotten myself to this state, I can then begin to sort out the important concerns from the unimportant egotistical worries.

Then, going back to the perfection thing…I think a coping mechanism I have developed out of my fearful ego is acting like a perfectionist at times. Sometimes all of the lights must be green or I cannot begin a journey. A little control mechanism I suppose but it is frustrating. I’ve noticed in life that I’ve not said things because I have feared I could not say it perfectly and I have sat on the sidelines afraid I could not do things perfectly. Oh goodness, you should have seen my first apartment. Everything perfectly in order, the clothing perfectly spaced one inch apart in color order by type of article in my closets. I was a sick puppy. Having kids cured me of that kind of perfection. You should see my place now. I’m out numbered and so I often have a choice to make…calm relaxing evening or cleaning tornado. I often opt for the calm relaxing evening these days and while the perfectionist urges do still dwell inside me, they are more like quiet little monsters who have been momentarily tamed. Again, I realize, all this stuff comes from a wounded and fearful ego.

The ego can help but it can certainly hurt if you are not self-aware. I get so cross-threaded sometimes when my fearful ego is engaged and I’m all about reacting to this or that until I get sick of feeling crazy, step out of my ego and begin to laugh at how silly I’ve been. It’s really not that hard to do but you have to get used to what triggers your fears and your ego and know definitively when you are just making yourself crazy. I think we can’t necessarily change our core tendencies but like learning to ride a bike, you eventually defy gravity, learn the necessary timing of the motion of your feet and before long, you are doing something completely unnatural…riding a bike. It’s no different when taming the ego.

Okay, this was my rant from Monday but I didn’t finish it so am posting it today. Again, peace to you all and I challenge you to watch your ego in action. If you’d like to tell me about your experience with this, I’d love to hear it. Take care all!

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