Sunday, September 21, 2008

Fallish Contemplations

Tomorrow is the fall equinox and I can really feel an undercurrent of electric change in the air. The sun’s trajectory has already changed and the shadows are different, the evenings and mornings a little cooler and the summer days and memories will fade a little. It’s been a phenomenal summer for me. I’ve learned so many new things this summer but I’m glad for fall’s return. At the first hint of wood smoke I’ll feel blissfully intoxicated and want to roam and walk on the beach where the sands will be less beaten by the tourists who have long since returned to their homes, far away from mine.

The shore will belong to the locals again and I’ll once again enjoy the healing sounds and energy of the ocean. This change in season reminds me with a fair amount of trepidation that I’ve got a lot of changes coming at me again. These are things I’ve been working on for a while…things I’ve been working up the courage to face. I’ve taken a year off of a very big part of my life and I’ll soon be returning to it. The past year has brought so much dramatic change, pain, anguish and uncertainty. I had to change jobs to something less stressful to recuperate since the rest of my life held unchangeable aspects for a time. The change was good but I’ve missed the work I used to do. In one month, I get to go back to it, thank all that is Good!

On one hand I wonder if I’m ready for a few of the changes I’ve made and worked on over this summer. More than anything I want to be. I guess only time will tell if I really have the stuff that it takes to test myself and work to determine whether or not I seem to fail. It’s hard to imagine that two of the areas I held most dear crumbled before my eyes a year ago. I’ve spent some time resting, readjusting, conducting pattern analysis and source identification. I guess you could say I really wanted a couple of lessons to really sink in. I really wanted to understand so I could move forward more confident of my own abilities. I’ve been testing the waters in these two areas this summer and so far, so good. A few bumps along the way but thankfully for the patience of the other parties involved and it’s all still good.

So, this fall season I enter with hope, mostly healed, dreams in tact, and with heart and soul in tact. There were times over the last year I never thought I’d be able to say that but I’m proud of my progress and my willingness to see the mistakes I had a hand in, the control I gave up to gain more in lessons and the tears I cried that brought me more sanity today than I’ve ever had. It’s been a long and arduous journey but those that are worth it are long, arduous, challenging, painful and more. They wouldn’t be worth it if they were a cake walk. I don’t yet have all that I want but I have my dreams and I have in my midst potential and that is enough for me right now. That’s as much as I can handle and in time more of my dreams on two fronts will materialize and I will be ready and I will be appreciative.

Until then, I’m going to appreciate the golden sunlight etching the leaves of the trees in gold. I’m going to appreciate the tinge of chill in the air. I’m going to learn to focus more outwardly than internally. Lord knows I’ve done enough soul searching this past spring and summer in particular. I will have my dreams and know definitively they are coming true. I’m keeping my eyes open, adjusting to my world as needed and looking ever a the bigger picture of things even though at times I still stumble on insecurity and lack of trust and faith. At least I can see it now and adjust my responses when I find these feelings encroaching upon my unconscious reactions.

I’ve got a new job coming and have met someone I care about a great deal. These two things are important to me among the many other things I hold dear in my life. I don’t know what the future holds for me but I intend to find out bravely taking it one day at a time, stopping and pausing in the evenings to contemplate my progress and the work I have yet to do. I will be fine no matter what happens. I’ve walked through the fire on some pretty deep and core-level fronts and survived. That has to mean something. That has to mean I’ll be okay in the future. Everything may not turn out as I had hoped but I will remain open in mind, in heart and with crystal clear vision. This I know I can count on at least.


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