Monday, March 18, 2013
Pure and Gentle Curiosity
Migraine at 3:33 am started my day. Luckily for me, I’m not one that suffers intensely. I decided to use the time to take some deep cleansing breaths right there in the peace, stillness...pure darkness. My mind wandered a little as much as I would let it (still hoping sleep might yet come again before I had to be awake). I wondered about questions and answers. I have so very many questions in life about life but I realize I cannot find answers until I learn how to phrase the questions properly. Rather than willful and rebellious or impetuously assumptive in my questioning as I have often been, I realize it’s time to sit back, relax and stop asking at all. I find that the deeper I go within for answers without seeking any answers at all, they come. They come in feelings and visions and I can’t always articulate or interpret them clearly enough to convey them but I know the answers are there. I don’t know how it is that I know, I just know.
The room begins to feel a little bit chill as I take one last cleansing breath determined to find my way back through the void to the land of dreams or maybe even Elsewhere for a time. I fluffed my favorite feather pillow, laid my head down gently and gazed out my bedroom window at the faint light from the courtyard outside. It's the light, I paused in my silent reaching, but not man made light. It’s the indwelling resplendent iridescent and swirly light within that holds the answers. I’ve seen it so much lately. Nightly meditations still rich with visions I have taken to heart and stopped writing about. I’ve come to a place where they grow so intensely personal I cannot defile them by voicing or even attempting to. A tough thing it is for such a creative soul to willfully withhold an experience. Such as it is, I realize, the silence is precious and not silent it all. The silence is filled with whispered intentions, love and gratitude for being regardless of actual intent or purpose. I can feel the words I do not yet fully comprehend. I came here to live and yet it seems I have stopped outside of the routine obligatory interactions. It’s been a much needed reprieve from many years of intense lesson learning.
I’ve made the silence and stillness my friend so much so that it is hard to relate to the rapidly paced world at large. I prefer the peace and silence with few intrusions upon my internal experiential existence. It’s silly and crazy and wonderful and nothing in life has brought me this much happiness in a very long time. A time of remembering has come and then gone. Piecing together a frame work, my memories did accomplish and from there a less control striving version of seeing and experiencing what is at it is. Suppressing all need to do anything other than observe and to love what is. It’s hard sometimes but beautiful always.
Sleep didn’t find me you may have surmised. I flipped on the tely, grabbed my pen and a notebook. I scribbled these words in the dark until the thoughts had left me. I did return to the land of dreams, albeit briefly. All I remember are the butterflies in every size and hue floating gently across the sun-tinged cerulean blue. Change is on the wind I guessed, and my day began in pure and gentle curiosity.
(c) Jaie Hart (photo, fortunate internet find)