Thursday, March 14, 2013

Archived Thoughts

I finished my last meeting for the day at 3:26 p.m., fell into the zone on some matter my mind was trying to work out all of the pieces to, looked up and realized I had lost 3 hours.  I apparently wasn’t too lost because I had worked out, mostly, the problem I was trying to solve.   I quickly sent out some draft communications and realized I was really done for this very long day.  I caught up with a wonderful co-worker for a few minutes as I closed up shop and then headed out the door. I nebulous sort of feeling dawned on my consciousness as I began the three flight descent down the stairs to the door of my office building. As soon as I was outside, I caught the last gentle remnants of day light and the nebulous feeling crystalized...and intense sense of equilibrium.  I was pleasantly surprised to feel it considering a very long day but just smiled and decided to embrace it.  I made my way to my car not recalling exactly how I achieved a walk across the parking lot in what felt like 3 seconds, climbed in and just stared at the sky a few moments.  There were angel-wing clouds everywhere.  I thought to myself, “perfect, this is just perfect” as I started up my ride.

Somewhat absentmindedly I made my way home thinking only a little.  As I made the turn west for the last stretch of road for home, I caught an unimaginably amazing fiery glimpse of the setting sun behind some beautiful heavily color irradiated clouds.  The design in the sky was perfect and my mind wasn’t done yet.  It carefully traversed the concepts of the energy that created all I could see and not just this moment, in every moment I have lived.  Still not done yet I arrived at the thought of the Creator behind the play before me and I pondered in awe at the sheer magnificence of it.  Every detail in life is truly perfect if you ever take the time to really notice absent the ego.  More thoughts pulled at my very tired mind.  There is no thing in this universe that is not perfect.  When we see imperfection, I cannot help but wonder if it is not really that things are imperfect but that we fail, miserably, to perceive things the way they are and they way they are is amazing.  To imagine there is a vast and beyond description impetus for mass creation all at once…the sky exists, the stars exist, the ever-expanding light exists defined perfectly by shades of gray and then even darkness…people exist, plants and trees exist, space gasses are created from various combinations of elements and conditions not really so haphazardly as we’d think.  Well, at least I think.

The dazzling display before me caught my eye again at the next stop light.  I could feel this energetic and yet even more enchanting swirl of creation…of existence…of motion...time passing only casually noticed.  I sat there, nerdy, humble me, contemplating space, physics, science, love, nature and just the wonder of it all.  My thoughts, so pleasant, were spinning at lightning speed and then that thought singled itself out as I observed and then compared itself to a long ago archived thought that I struggled at first to understand how and why my mind had made that connection in that moment.  I’ll share because, well, I do that sometimes.  I had a very troubling moment one night at age 19.  A very troublesome set of thoughts plagued, worried me and made me so darned fearful I was immobile.  When I could shake some thoughts free, I wrote down on my note pad, “God, please give me a sign that I can fix this.”  No sooner had I set the pen down than a huge flash of lightning right outside my bedroom window at the same time as a deep and intense reverberating clap of thunder. It shattered the darkness and all fear all at once leaving the slate of my mind empty for a fragment of a second.  The lights in the neighborhood were extinguished on impact.  I sat there in the dark and could not stop the tears from making any remote attempt at clear vision impossible.  No, these were not tears of fear or worry but tears of joy.  I got what I asked for and with the force that it was most definitely delivered, I realized the path was entirely up to me.  I seized the opportunity by changing my head immediately and actions soon followed.   I never looked back at that troubling series of thoughts again that lead up to that moment.  Well, until this moment, that is.

Becoming consciously aware now again in the present, taking in the view and feeling that same Source behind the intense display of colorful beauty before me I realize life is more amazing than one could ever consider in one sitting.  Part of my mind remains elsewhere uplifted by the light of the stars lingering in some far off galaxy.  I can see it as if I’m there and I’m speechless.  So, my smile grows bigger as I turn into my drive way.  The mundane tasks of coming home now completed. The feeling has not left me yet.  I’m still grateful in this moment.  I pray I will always feel this feeling because I find it better than all of the rest. ~Blessings for the blissful joy of pure gratitude.

(c) 2013 Jaie Hart (photo and words)

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