Friday, October 31, 2008

Struggling with Logic and Emotion Again

I was listening to a sad song on the way home. It was a Blue October song and the lyrics were singing something like “can we pretend I’m amazing, I can pretend I’m amazing, instead of what we both know.” The music is beautiful in that song. I wish I could remember what it’s called…I think it’s titled “Amazing.” Pretty and sad…but I was driving down a hill on my way home from work and way off in the distance I could see green hills leading up to the mountains after a long stretch of low city road, hazy sunshine, gorgeous small just forming storm clouds covering the cerulean sky but letting the light through. I was struck by the beauty and how I usually just miss that view most nights when I drive home. I imagined as I looked that as far as I could see there were people driving, walking and heading somewhere at that moment…people were laughing, crying, sitting, thinking and talking. I felt lonely in that moment though I’m not sure exactly why.

I’m kind of tired now having been up at 3:00 a.m. two mornings in a row. I feel incredibly anxious and have for days. I can tell my mind is busy working out some challenges in the back ground…a low irritating continual and nebulous hum. Life’s events these past several years have been emotionally devastating and perhaps a part of my mind still feels the reverberations, mistrust in myself and the world around me and frustrated at having to face all that I faced. I’d like to say I didn’t choose everything that happened but I know I did. Maybe I didn’t choose reactions of other people but I chose my actions, my thoughts and I was really very hurt and devastated. I realize in this moment that I’ve been fighting off this feeling like I used to fight with my little brother over the last chocolate chip cookie back at home. It’s never good to fight emotions. When you fight what you’re feeling and thinking anxiety does settle over you in the most discomforting way. I know better but unconsciously I’ve engaged in battle. It’s a battle I consciously can’t win. There really is no help for it other than to let these reverberating after-shocks hit, wash over me and then fade away.

There are new things adding to the anxiety. Perhaps it’s the new things triggering feelings of old. I’m not really sure because I’ve not given it much thought but as I sit here and think about it, I realize that’s entirely possible. Realization can be a double edged sword sometimes. But, the best course when you realize what is going on is to take appropriate action. For me, appropriate action is to stop fighting and to merely surrender to all it is that I’m feeling all of it. There is one area I’m fighting most fiercely and with seemingly good reason. I’m dealing with emotions in one area I don’t want to face out of pure unadulterated fear and mistrust of myself and someone else. A simple conversation might alleviate that fear but with this anxiety and in this emotional state, the words just can’t seem to form correctly and I end up feeling locked up, oppressed by my own thoughts and it isn’t a comfortable place to be. I’m not sure there are any answers other than to admit to feeling my feelings, thinking my thoughts and talking about what’s going on for me. I’m just not sure where to start and won’t belabor it here. This is just something I’ll have to tackle in another way, an important way.

It’s hard when my feelings wrestle with my logical mind. One thought flows with a feeling attached and quickly logic steps in and tries to negate the thought and cut short the feeling. This creates anxiety and a whole host of assumptions that generate more feelings the logical mind tries to circumvent. I’m left feeling off-balanced, lost floating in nebulous strangling emotions and fears scrambling to find a foothold of a sane line of thinking that might pull me out. I know that tiny gossamer thread is here somewhere and I need only to just trust it’s there, grab hold of it and I’ll pull myself out of this swirling mess of thoughts and emotions. I feel like I’m so close to shrugging them off like a coat on a rainy day. I’m almost there and I think today I will find release and I will smile at my success. I think I need a long cold and lonely walk on the shore this morning. I think I shall make sure to fit that in before the mundane upkeep of my vehicle that is required of me also this morning.

I stepped outside to see the stars and instead felt tiny drops of rain. It was refreshing. The smell clean and uplifting. It’s been a while since I let the raindrops fall on my skin and smiled at the wonder of the things of this earth. I think I shall train my focus there today and let the swirling thoughts coalesce and settle a bit before I attempt to tackle any communication points. There is always tomorrow and if I set my intent in this direction and hold it, it will happen as I intend. It’s information I seek and I will find it and set myself free one way or another.

The thought for today is this, when emotion strikes in any of its facets, don’t act. Relax and don’t fight it. Just let the emotion be, observe it, feel it and then relax and let it pass over you like a harmless beautiful wave that makes you appreciate the beautiful moments in life. Some times the waves are higher and thicker than others but you know you can ride it and when the crest gets close, it will actually lift you up and set you back down gently. You just need patience, a lot of self-love and trust in that this is just how you get through emotional periods in life. Happy Halloween all. Be safe, be well and have a blessed day and evening. Peace.

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