Thursday, November 6, 2008
The storm clouds gathered in earnest and rolled in from the coast with a vengeance. A down-pour ensued for hours and then suddenly, a small clearing and shafts of bright light spilled down from the clouds. The clearing grew and more joined in. The sky now spattered with small storm clouds and sunlight glistening on the leaves of the trees, the grass and everything in my view. I took a nice little drive along the coast this morning. I needed some perspective and noticed how my emotions seemed to connect with the storm, rain and tears falling, sunlight, calm, then sprinkles and emotion and then dry and calm. The view was spectacular while I was driving. Huge clouds, dark, ominous and the patches of cerulean blue contrasting in between them. The wet streets throwing mist in every direction. I had the music up so loud I could feel the beat inside of my body and it felt good. I exited all tumultuous thoughts and just focused on being in the moment, letting go of how tired I felt, wanting to cry but knowing no more tears were left within me, feeling empty, lost and just feeling the motion of my truck on highway 1.
It was a good drive, a beautiful view and it was very therapeutic. Last night’s events still sting a bit but the initial shock of it is starting to fade a little around the edges; the sharpness of the pain feeling a little more dull and worn. I had night mares last night and they were horrifying emotionally but in analyzing the details I realized how much hope and guidance were contained in those dreams. I’m grateful now although I wasn’t so happy last night. At some level, I’m stunned that a mother would go so far to destroy a child as to fake her own death just to get even with said child for refusing to rescue her and bail her out of her own decisions and choices. There is no sense of accountability. On one hand I think about how nice it would be to have a mind that worked like that…that makes horrible horrendous decisions to dominate, manipulate and attack your loved ones and then blame them when everything goes wrong, attack them and seek vengeance against them because you destroyed your own life. What a pleasant state of denial to reside within…do bad things, blame everyone else for the bad outcome and then attack your loved ones because you hurt them.
Nah, I just can’t do it. I have to be accountable for the only thing in life I have the power to control…me. I can’t control the thoughts or actions of anyone else but me. When other’s thoughts, actions or words are directed at me, I can choose to react or to respond depending how engaged I choose to let my emotions become. Some of us don’t realize that is a choice. You can break that all apart and look at why you react to something….your ego is involved somehow either over a perceived lack or slight or something and then gets angry or if you’re making assumptions, you get hurt or if you have expectations, you’re disappointed. We’re funny creatures sometimes. I’m very tired today. I didn’t sleep well, I feel mostly peaceful but a bit stirred up. I won’t allow myself to stay in that state and plan to spend the day breathing in some peace and serenity, resting after last night’s upset and just taking care of myself today. It’s amazing what an easy thing that is to do…just have to know when you need to do it…like following an emotional exchange with someone you care about.
This piece was a challenge to finish for some reason. Maybe I didn’t want to stay with the emotions. I started this piece Tuesday and it is now Thursday. I’m much more peaceful and back to my normal routine. The logic has kicked and I’m hoping soon that the emotions will begin to match. I played tennis last night and won 4 out of 6 matches. That felt good. My serves landed where I intended the majority of the time and that felt awesome. I hit the ball well and where I intended the majority of the time. That felt awesome. I think controlling something I could control helped me restore some emotional balance inside and that’s a beautiful thing.
This morning I stepped outside and the air was crisp and cool. My sparkling friends were beginning to fade as an indigo blue sky turns pale. I just stared up at the stars as if they had some answer for me I couldn’t derive on my own. These are really tough times for me but I’m maturing and growing in the process so it can’t be all bad. Someday, I’ll look back and remember this time and be grateful I didn’t let it tear me apart, that I dealt with the pain in a positive way and lived to tell the tale. I started a book about my experience with alcoholism and I think that I shall continue to work on it. It’ll be cathartic if nothing else and maybe, if someone sees fit to publish it, it might give others some hope. Helping someone else through a similar time would make my going through this a bit easier to swallow for some reason.
Well, I’m off to my routine but the thoughts I have for today are this, pain is a part of living life. We’re taught to run from it by society, to ignore it, to stuff it down and pretend everything is fine. That’s not right. We should be taught that throughout the whole of our lives we will encounter joyful and happy times as well as times that will bring us to our knees in pure unadulterated bone crushing pain. It’s okay in either event because it’s all part of learning and living. When the joy strikes, sit in awe and wonder at the emotions and cherish them. When the pain strikes, sit in awe and wonder at the emotions and cherish them. These emotions make you alive. These emotions make you human. These emotions are what connect you to every other human being on the planet. When you do your best to center yourself by accepting and loving yourself in good emotional outbursts and bad, you’ll at least lead a more serene life…you’ll earn your stripes, you’ll find out what you’re made of and who you really are. That can’t be bad in the end right? Today I pray that whatever woes befall you you are able to touch the emotions, calm yourselves, reach out to loved ones or friends for support and allow them to carry you a few steps while you regain your composure. I’m blessed to have that in my life when the going gets tough. I never used to let anyone help me in that regard but I’ve learned through my pain that you do your family and friends a great disservice by not letting them in, not letting them have a chance to be an angel on earth in a moment and you rob them of a chance for growth. The trick is, don’t expect them to carry your load, or heal you or take up your accountability…just a little lean while you catch your breath is all you really need.