Saturday, October 18, 2008
Pointless Meandering Thoughts
It’s a crystal clear fall morning. The temperature is still at dew-point so everything is covered in tiny drops of water glistening in the first rays of morning sunlight. I so love the cool fall mornings in California. The cerulean blue sky is deepening in color and the trees are still etched in golden light. The birds are completing their daily migration from the trees in-land to the seashore and the city is beginning to stir. I can just imagine the line at Starbuck’s and McDonald’s as people get moving this morning. It’d be a great morning at our local beach here in Huntington. The tourists are gone and the only one’s milling about at this time of the morning are the local surfers and residents out for a beautiful morning walk to start the day on an uplifting note.
My consciousness stretches out far like the rays of the sun this morning. I can almost feel the conscious thoughts dawning as people rise and go about their business. Some are hopeful and contemplative like me while others are mourning, frustrated and sad. I’ve talked before about choices and I’ve had many a sunshiny morning where it felt like a cloud stayed permanently over my head. But that’s not me today. Today, it’s hard to imagine people not smiling and happy to exist in such a beautiful world. The dichotomy seeming often a chasm because this world too holds terrors and horrors unspeakable. Sometimes I shake my head because I don’t understand. There is much in this world I don’t understand and sadly, much that I do.
I’ve seen many things I wished I hadn’t seen, I’ve felt things I wished I’d never felt, and I’ve sure said things I wished I had never said. But, living in regret means you’ve got a backwards focus as you move into a moment and that’s not wise. You can’t see where you are if you’re looking backwards. Conversely, you can’t see where you are if your focus is too far forward. That’s a bigger problem for me…this insecure feeling of not knowing what’s in store, things I’d love to know the outcome of or control the outcome of. Silly thoughts exist bundled right there and I know so much better than that. I can’t help it though when my heart is engaged in something. Things that matter. It’s funny, we have this newsletter at work called “Everything Matters.” If you think about what those two words mean and spread that out across your life, you’d be amazed. Everything we do matters in some way shape or form. In everything we do we leave some kind of footprint. Whether that’s good or bad remains to be seen as time goes by but it’s a good thing to think of.
The word "matter" has been on my mind a lot lately. I left a job that mattered because I felt like I didn’t matter and what I did wasn’t worth anything. I left it for a year. I came back under different circumstances with the same group I was working with before in another part of the company and learned this week that I did matter and do matter and that made me feel amazing. It’s good to know you matter. I think about the word "matter" in terms of a particular area of interest in my life I find increasingly important…in the area of special friendships. I have a good number of friends that would say I matter and I would say they matter, and a great deal at that. I wouldn’t want to know life without them here with me. And there’s more. There is someone else that matters to me but I’m never really sure how much I matter with this one. I risk much there at times it seems. I pretend to be an open book but I never really am. On some things, sure. Where I think it might help someone else, I’m fairly open but when it comes to me needing something I find I’m still not very open at all. That’s an interesting discovery right now and I’m not sure what, if anything, I’ll do about that. Maybe in certain situations we’re open only to the extent it feels safe for us to be open. I’m apparently not there yet in one area but that is to be expected I suppose. I’ve been married and divorced three times after all. You can’t put your hand in the fire, have it feel too hot and be totally open about jumping right back into the fire again. I never realized my own reticence until this very moment. So, I’ve been looking outward wondering about the slow progression of something instead of focusing inward wondering about my own slow progression. I think a certain dream or fantasy does trip me up yet again.
I’m talking about a dream I’ve always held of sharing life with another, the right other. It’s not been easy to find and rather than blame God, the universe or anyone else around me, I had no choice but to look within. I attract to me what I am. We all attract to us who we are. Every person we have in our sphere is some reflection of something inside us. So, if I perceive I’m in the presence of someone emotionally unavailable to me, who have I got to blame? Me. I’m emotionally unavailable in some area and have been presented with a unique opportunity to understand exactly where and I think I’ve discovered it. It’s an age old challenge for me but acute awareness while shocking, is also a relief. You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken and you don’t know what is broken until you look at the people you have around you. They are like clear pools or mirrors reflecting back your own soul.
Hmmm, I have much to consider yet again and will spend some time in reflection for a bit to see what I might be able to do, to determine what I’m ready to do and learn more about what I might be ready to let go of…namely fear or pain. We all have it in bits and pieces in hidden pockets in the deep dark recesses of our emotional minds. It lies there in wait for the right opportunity to come to light…say like being reflected back in the eyes from the soul of someone you care about?!
I need to let go of such thoughts for now…pull my consciousness back and consider my day. I’m going to spend some time with a good friend. I’m craving an oceanic view, good company, conversation and sunlight and am infinitely grateful I have this particular friend to share my day with. It’s been a rough week. Not a bad week but I’ve gone from little people interaction for 12 months and greatly reduced activity to being greeted warmly by former co-workers, busyiness I’ve not been accustomed to in a while and that seems to be sending some anxiety floating around in my conscious thoughts in between all my goals and plans. It’s nebulous but persistent and I know what generates it…fear. It’s okay. Some fear is good. It prompts us to do things we might not normally do and in some situations that can be a good thing…for me, it throws me into logical thought to map out an appropriate solution to quell it.
I’m going to stop here for now but my thought for the day is awareness…from the micro to the macro. Be aware of where you are in the world, where you fit with your friends, your purpose in life even. Be aware of your successes and especially your seeming failures…take each one out and look at it as a valuable life lesson learned instead of something you should beat yourself up for. If you find straggling thoughts that don’t fit or nebulous anxiety, frustration or fear…ask yourself to reveal the true source and sit quietly awaiting the answer that will come. Be willing to become aware and consider what you might do to heal pain behind those fears, develop hope instead of narrow-minded thinking, expand your consciousness across the globe and realize what you have to be grateful for. Those are lots of thoughts for today actually but as you can see from my post above, that is simply my mind-set…shuffling through thought after thought, meandering theme after meandering theme not with the idea of overwhelming myself but pleasantly strolling through all of the things that represent me to see where I might make myself better, happier or more serene. Sometimes you have to walk in the dark for a while until you find the light. Looking inside can be like that. Peace and love to you all today.