Friday, August 29, 2008

Sins and Solutions

Some people commit horrible sins but not in the biblical sense. Some people feel so justified to impose their anger and frustration on other people with absolutely no self control. These are the same folks that:

1. Manipulate and control people by doing favors they later expect to extract a huge price for and when you don't pay, they inflict vile, vengeance to make you pay.
2. Intimidate to cause fear and pain, again to make you pay for what they feel.
3. Verbally abuse and attack at will because they are simply justified because you pissed them off.
4. Smash through boundaries respectfully set with the same lack of respect they hold for themselves.

Some solutions you can employ with these tragically wounded people, and it's really quite effective, are:

1. Imagine these individuals in an insane asylum screaming and attempting to attack, manipulate and control you with the same words they typically use all from the window of the insane asylum. They have less impact...truly!

2. Forgive them as they truly know not what they do nor why. They are obviously hurting and attacking them back makes no sense and by not responding to their attempts to evoke a response from you, you add no insult, injury or negative energy to the situation.

3. Pray for them. Pray that they find the love from within themselves to forgive themselves and find comfort and healing and while you're at it, pray for yourself too for strength and the ability to deflect the attacks that are really just cries for help. But, you do not have to be responsible for that help. With adults, they are responsible to get that help for themselves. Anything you for them they could do for themselves would be a co-dependent and unhealthy response.

Now, do set boundaries and request that your boundaries be respected and remember, when they don't respect your boundaries, it's because they have no self-respect and no self love and must drag you down with their minds, you pissed them off and they are entitled. They're NOT entitled, they are acting out childish frustration and demonstrating a total inability to manage their emotions and feelings like mature adults should. You wouldn't hurt a baby for smacking you out of frustration would you? No, of course not. You'd hold the baby at arm's length so it couldn't hurt you any more but you'd still love the baby and want the frustration to pass.

These are great tips I learned from Al-Anon and they apply not only to alcoholic situations but also difficult relationships with people who have no self-respect and can tend to be abusive (emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically). The next time one of these individuals comes at you with their pain and transference on to you, just put them in the window and let their painful words fall away. The words aren't about you, it's a choice they are making to keep their anger and pain alive. If it's physical abuse you're dealing with, get some help to get a plan together to get away, far away where they can't hurt you.

Now, all of the above doesn't mean you shouldn't own your behavior. If you've hurt someone, regardless of the circumstances or how justified you feel, be accountable and apologize (I'm sorry I hurt you or at least, I'm sorry you are hurting). Once you've done that, forgive yourself and move on.


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