As I consider those themes and do my best to take hold of the true essence of the lessons, I come back mainly to one concept, standing in my own light. For so long I did not understand what that meant but thinking back to all of the things I've "put up with" over the last seven to ten years, I think the lesson begins to form more concretely. For far too long have I made concessions and exceptions, behaving in a way that others would find amenable while feeling this sense of a noose tightening ever and ever slowly around my neck. As the noose tightens, the farther I go compromising what I wanted and needed to be what others wanted or needed something always seems to snap within me and then in those moments the only thing that I can see, feel or truly want is freedom. I crave the freedom to be exactly who I am without suffering the judgement of those who find fault in this core-level need of mine because it means I take care of me and stop catering to them. It's funny how that works. Some people seem to love you only to the extent you are making them happy and then not one shred of care is given to the fact that in the act of making them happy, you are condemning yourself to periods of much unhappiness for self.
I think when such thoughts enter my consciousness, I begin to realize that the kinds of souls who routinely expect my self-sacrifice over and over again, who will use guilt and shame if I deviate in even the slightest degree - while good souls they may very well be - they are not good souls for me to have in my sphere. So, I've come to this realization again and again and each time I set myself free and remove these souls from my sphere of existence with a sincere and apologetic good bye. It seems I have had this knack for finding such souls who routinely mistake my kindness for weakness they can exploit and manipulate for their own gain. It's almost comical how shocked such souls become when you put your foot down and say, "no more." I refuse to be your human sacrifice for love, for attention or for any form of gratitude you might rustle up from the depths of your delusions and misinformed psychological existence. Human beings are not to be manipulated in the name of love and I will continue on my path removing these souls from my sphere where I find them.
I have learned these many years that life is way too short to be miserable for any length of time and so have made a covenant with myself that I will only move in tune with the dictates of my own soul and react not one bit to those souls who either with intent or ignorance attempt any form of manipulation with me. I refuse to engage in any friendships, relationships or any other form of interaction with such unaware souls. I find them toxic and vexatious for me to deal with day in and day out. Free will dictates that I get to decide with whom and how I shall spend my time, my energy and my love and I simply refuse to spend a single moment with an unaware manipulative and toxic soul. It's sad how many of these individuals are unaware of their actions and their effects on another. Over and over will I stand tried and judged by such souls and that's just fine with me. I will wish them much love and light as I turn and go. I love my life and I love me.
(c) 6/12 Jaie Hart (photo copyright is on photo - I do not own it but find it beautiful).