The Healing Peace

My soul lies bare

No skin left to speak of

No fear or worry

But I feel it

Not just it but everything

Mankind’s blows find purchase in my soul

And I feel that too

Not as an intended wound

Or even a slight against me personally

But I feel it as the depth of pain

They sink themselves into deeper and deeper

With every blow carelessly thrown

How little we know the wounds we give

Are the wounds we take into our souls

Likewise, the love we give

Is the love we make for ourselves in great abundance

And that love can heal all...everything

If but given a chance

Just one single chance

I won’t fight them

I won’t stand in their way

Free will dictates I let them be as they are

To live, to learn and maybe in some lifetime to grow

And so I and my soul go on

Looking for rainbows, starlight and moonlight as solace

The balm my soul craves

The infinite

The emptiness

The healing peace

(Photo is not mine but a fortunate internet find)

Are You Living Your Dream or Someone Else's Idea of It?

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Many things have I learned as I look back and many things it seems I have forgotten.  I have counted myself road weary without understanding truly how stamina and strength are built.  I have counted myself fearful due to the anxiety in my core in facing this lesson or that lesson without understanding truly that that is just exactly how courage is created because despite the anxiety, you forge ahead.  I have been tired and tried, judged and persecuted and once thought myself victimized.  I didn’t know these things are how character and success in learning about the true belief of one’s self are built.  There are no victims but creations, actions and consequences with which we must deal for a good reason even if it takes a while to find the good.

I look back again with fresh eyes and see what I once thought as negative challenges I had to face are but lessons in life that taught me things that are just absolutely invaluable to me.  I grew up poor but it taught me to know that “things” are not everything.  I grew up neglected but it taught me how to stand on my own.  I grew up judged and harshly so but it did teach me what it means to be humble and right or wrong, that was a valuable lesson.  I grew up feeling isolated for what I contended with but later on I learned that was all in my head because everyone else had their challenges to overcome too and that they were just that, challenges to overcome.

I went so far beyond the lines I drew for myself succeeding every step of the way but without the proper framework of understanding, my success did not bring me happiness.  In fact, I found that it made me quite miserable.  So, I began to allow the shifting and transformation of thought to occur and before me what now seems like turmoil is truly only the creative stuff from which the truer success I ultimately desire can be born.  By truer success I do not mean power, position or money, I mean happiness.  I will admit that I struggle a bit with trepidation for what I face but deeper down I know that trepidation is only fear and fear can be transformed with love.  In love, I have the greatest confidence!

I have overcome insurmountable odds time and time again beating myself up in the process for not doing it in the traditional sense.  I allowed others to beat me up as well and to define me as unworthy and sadly, believing them while struggling all the harder to attain something I was told I could never achieve.  It wasn't ever really even my dream but rather something I was told I could never achieve and so I sought to prove them wrong (egotistical pursuit = waste of energy and time).  At one time I’d have said I was proud to achieve what I have and in some small ways I still am but I see my premise was flawed and I can lovingly allow myself that.  I began from a place of fear and a place of feeling not good enough just to prove to others that I was good enough to do something I didn't ever really want for myself.  Well, I did more than that, I proved to myself they were wrong about me and I need never look to the outside world for validation again.  I learned that I could achieve whatever it is (spoiler alert) I set my mind and heart towards achieving.  Therein lies the keys.  I need never again operate from a place of lack or fear by developing any need to prove anything to myself or to anyone else.  Nothing in the outside world compares to what we create for ourselves inside.

I find today in this moment that success means something different to me now than it did more than 20 years ago.  Success means one can engage in their livelihood with passion in their hearts along side those who support you without the need to manipulate you through fearful or insulting statements or pleasant ones to make you falsely feel about you anything different than the truth of who you really are.  I have learned that those who are wounded will attack you and those who want something from you will manipulate you with kindness to get what they want (Guard the ego false positive and negative statements).  I have also learned that true success is happiness in action in one’s life from which one can give more to everyone and everything around them.  True success is being who and what you truly are and doing meaningful work whether real work or project work or simply just enjoying what one has.

I’ve come to a pivotal point in my own self-development and I have to say, I’ve not handled it so well lately.  I’ve allowed stress (resistance) to take hold without questioning it’s true source.  I was simply unhappy.  I was successful by another man’s terms but not by my own.  It’s time for changes and I’m so happy for these realizations.  I can correct my thinking and embrace an outcome that is better suited towards my own desires.  I know the power of making up one’s mind and heart and pursuing a dream.  I now have different dreams, simpler dreams and I shall hold the pictures of these close, with love in my heart and a smile on my face.  I may have made some terrible mistakes up to this point in my life but I see each one as a step towards the truer success I most wish to hold (and hold, I will).  I cannot fail if I never refuse to dream and then never refuse to try.  Every step and breath matters, every thought and attitude matters and every way in which a soul takes care of themselves and others matters.  Nothing goes unseen in this universe.  It is a beautiful place and we are so fortunate to be here at this time.  What we send out into the ether with our thoughts and feelings vibrates in a frequency that brings back to us in some form or manner what we send out.  I see how this is not a fancy new age belief untested but a fact.  I've lived it.

I’ll shift my thoughts for now into some quiet meditation.  Sipping coffee, contemplating my day spent with those I love makes me smile.  I live and breathe, I feel and compassion is the biggest part of my being.  Through that compassion it is my sincere hope that if you find any shred of unhappiness in your being that you be blessed with the ability to comb through your life and your thoughts and find those false beliefs and thoughts within you (that's right, it comes from within you and not in the outside world) that prevent your happiness.  Find and transform them and be forever changed for the good.  It really is that simple once you begin to understand how truly very powerful you are in creating what you experience here on Earth.  Hold positive thoughts, use positive words, look for silver linings when faced with setbacks and never give up on seeing what it is you most want and be grateful and so very appreciative for receiving it.  It’ll manifest soon.  All you have to do is believe.

Blessings of great joy, happiness and love beautiful souls.

(photo is mine and can be used with permission)

Loving Flow

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When we find something or someone good, we tend to want to hold on to it or them forever.  But is forever meant to be for you, the thing or the person?  In rare cases, the answer may be yes but more than likely the majority of the time the answer is no.  It seems unfair doesn’t it?  I mean, why can’t we have everything we want, the way we want it without change?  Well, here is the funny thing about this thought.  We invite things and people into our sphere for a specific purpose.  Once that purpose has been fulfilled, it’s sometimes best to let go and relax into any change that begins to occur. 

I know how hard this is.  It’s so much easier when things stay exactly as they are and nothing changes.  The only thing wrong with that is that everything changes.  Even you, right now are changing.  Your cells are dividing, replicating, repairing and doing all sorts of things they were programmed to do.  You are never the same and are never in the same place (think cosmologically).  So, how can we seek security in holding on to people or things and expect things not to change without great suffering on someone’s part and primarily your own?  Honestly, we can’t.  It’s quite impossible without creating pain or usurping free will in some cases.

Situations, things and people will come and go in your life and it’s okay.  It’s okay to feel angry and sad when forced to let go but let go anyway and know that it is perfectly okay to grieve.  Know that no matter what it is that occurs in your life, there is a silver lining in it and it will primarily come about in your eventual understanding.  Think back across the span of the life you have lived up to this point.  Is there really not one shred of a silver lining you can find in letting someone or something go?  Sometimes we need to change things for our own growth.  Sometimes we need to allow change for the growth of others.

What if we could find security in change knowing that no matter what the body faces or what the thoughts we think or the emotions we create as a result that we were going to be okay?  Would that not help us live with a little less suffering?  If we could but try, we may find ourselves living a much more peaceful existence.  You cannot trap a thing into a state of no change.  You cannot trap a person into your life who is finished with their learning and must move on for their higher good.  Sometimes, the most loving thing for you to do for yourself is to let go realizing not everything in this world is about you.  Sometimes the things that you encounter have more to do with another.  Whatever it is and regardless of which side of the lesson you stand on, realize it’s a lesson in growth.  It is what we came here to do in part.

Count on change not as an enemy but a friend.  Count on those who are the impetus of change not as adversaries but as friends (even if well disguised).  Change and the people or situations that create change for us when we are unwilling to create that change for ourselves are actually doing us a great service even if we can’t see.  So, wish no ill, hold no regret, hold no thoughts of anger or vengeance, just love yourself through the change that comes and let the rest unfold as it will.  In time and with introspection, understanding will come.  You will come to uncover the truth of a thing, a situation or even a person’s presence or lack there of if and only if you are willing.

Life can be hard but you, you are strong, resourceful and amazing.  You can learn to find comfort in change and let the emotions work themselves out without taking action to stop change from occurring.  I think of this aspect of life like a living moving stream of water.  It flows as it will.  If it is dammed, it builds up pressure until it overflows what blocks it.  If it changes direction, it doesn’t try to go back, it just flows in its new direction.  You can learn this too and with some practice you too can learn to go with the flow, relax and find meaning and purpose even if it’s hard.  Don’t be afraid.  Just breathe.  Take one loving step after another on this beautiful Earth and know everything happens for a good reason even if it doesn’t feel good or even if you don’t understand. ~Blessings of perfect loving flow.

(photo, fortunate random internet find)

Another Year Wiser (I Hope)

So, here we are again arriving at January 1^st of another year on planet Earth.  What have we learned for all the energy expended in our daily travels, adventures and journeys?  What will you take with you as you go into the new year and what will you leave behind you?  Will you embrace this new year with positive curiosity or will you mourn 2013 with regret for the things you didn’t do, that you wanted to do or maybe what you think you should have done?

Wintertime and a New Year brings a natural assessment of the state of things in one’s life.  I like to turn my thoughts more toward gratitude as much as I can.  It isn’t easy some days as the trials and tribulations of life can tend to knock you off your center.  But, it doesn’t have to be that hard to gain your way back to a positive and hopeful state (says the woman who’s had a rough couple of months).  I’ve not written much in the last few months for this reason.

While I deeply appreciate my ability to find my way back to sanity through gratitude, I don’t care much for the hamster wheel of troubling thoughts when faced with challenges that leave me feeling, well, incredulous.  I’ve learned something about that particular feeling though.  I think incredulous feelings are a huge red flag that there is a lie being told or believed in and it’s time in that very moment that those incredulous feelings surface, to step back and analyze the true nature and source of what is creating those feelings.  Is it an internal matter?  Is an external matter?  Is it potentially both?  Whatever it is, figure out its source and then take step by step to remove the lie from existence through the light of love, self love, compassion and understanding for all involved.

My thoughts for this year are positive ones.  The last year is gone and I’m grateful for all I’ve learned and for the wonderful actors who helped me learn on this journey (for good or ill).  I think I’m more content staying focused on the moment rather than trying to look out and predict or delude myself with saying 2014 will be rosy and wonderful.  It may be or it may not be.  Regardless, I will breathe, I will exist (God willing) and I will do my best no matter what I encounter.  I’m satisfied with that.

Having said that, it does not mean I have no goals or ambitions.  I certainly have those.  I’ve got my next book in the editing stages and am hopeful to find the energy to get that one ready to roll very shortly. (Watch for Chronicles of Aliyah in the near future).  I’ll not say much more about that project until I’m about to publish.  Three more books are in the works as well as a fourth collaborative effort with one of my most favorite people in the whole wide world.  I think I’m going to be busy with projects and learning as I am pretty much every year.  I’m resigning myself to staying positively curious, confident in my ability to live and manage my life well and to strive ever and always to see the love and light in all I encounter.  I truly hope that each of you find the energy to do the same.  I wish you a very happy and prosperous New Year filled with pleasant surprises and invaluable learning. ~Blessings. 

(photo is not mine but a fortunate random google find)

Feeling Moment

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The sun is not yet up and the sea breeze is chilly floating in through my bedroom window.  The trees outside once sang like the rain as their beautiful leaves rustled in the wind but not so now.  They are near barren now in full preparation for the winter.  A humming bird chirps in the distance and the sparrows sing as if at play.  I’m wrapped up warm in a blanket sipping coffee waiting for the sun to rise. 

I’ve had too many thoughts inside my head of late, contending with the life I have created, smiling at the beautiful parts, wincing at the more challenging parts but knowing from somewhere deep inside that it is perfect just as it is.  I realize how important it is in this moment to ensure we take the time to empower ourselves to just have a feeling moment.  I don’t mean one in which we let the ego’s superficial emotion wreak havoc or take control of our perspective but instead I mean taking a  moment to open up to all as it is just as it is and simply breathe.

I look back for a moment over the past year (well, couple of years honestly) and see just how much that I have truly learned and all of that learning culminates in a realization of late.  A decision I have finally come to that I can’t change comes ever greater into focus.  I’m ill suited for certain endeavor I have been engaged in for some time. I didn't choose it purposely but it helped me to do the things I needed to do for a very long time.  I've grown too comfortable in the functioning of it to change it but suddenly I realize the feeling within me tells me I am truly too uncomfortable not to change it.  At my age that is no easy task but miracles have always been at work in my life and I always expect them to arrive just on time at the perfect moment and they always do. Is that luck?  Nope.  It’s calculated awareness, taking action where action is needed and being silent where that too is needed.

I’m readying myself to engage in what I’ve known all along would make me happy but I never knew how to get there from here.  So, to be quite honest, I still don’t but I am not disheartened.  Allowing change to occur and life to unfold on its terms isn’t such a frustrating or impatient making experience if you don’t let it be.  I’ve found of late that if one sets their intent and holds the vision of what is most desired from the perspective of feeling that exists beneath the ego's superficial emotion, miracles can and do happen (the ability to notice the difference between the ego's superficial emotions and your true feeling is a bit of a miracle itself).

The very tops of the trees are now etched in fiery orange and gold, the birds are singing even more in anticipation of the rising sun and the traffic of a nearby freeway provides a hum that actually seems to add to the music of my morning in a wonderful way.  I think sometimes we can find peace more easily if we can accept what is, change what is truly within our power and just go with the flow in the mean-time for all else. 

After a night full of the real world intruding upon my dream scape, it’s now time to change those things in my life that are definitively within my power.  I can do my share and be content that the rest is out of my hands and fear not because even the parts I cannot control will ultimately bring about what it is I most desire.  I don’t know how I know, I just know.  ~Blessings of peace, acceptance and wonder dear beautiful souls.  I hope you enjoy every moment of every day you spend here fully awake and aware here on Earth.  You’re always loved and never alone.  Not one thing or effort goes unnoticed ever.  Don’t forget that not even for one single moment.

(photo is a random internet find and I lay to no claim to it's copyright)

Sleepy But Awakening Mind

I'm continuing a theme of sorts I started with my last blog post.  Well, if you have read any of my posts throughout the past many years you would likely see a very consistent theme unfolding.  That theme is a lesson in learning how to let life unfold on its terms instead of my own.  Now, having said that, I in no way intend to intimate that I am giving over my power to whatever and whoever decides to manifest within my reality.  Actually, the fact is that my sleepy still but awakening mind and heart begins to understand the truth of my life bit by bit, moment by moment and interactions from person to person throughout the whole of my physical incarnate existence.  I can look back and see how in certain instances with a lack of awareness I thoughtlessly gave away my power to whomever or whatever it was that seemingly threatened or frightened me in a moment.  I can see also how I rebelled against a prison of my own making in so many situations.  It makes me giggle sometimes the way my lessons have so perfectly come and unfolded in the perfect manner, at the perfect time and through the most benevolent and beneficial encounters.

I can assure you that it can at times be quite painful to lift one's self out of former paradigms of thought and action in the world.  Change can be quite unpleasant but as we all know from the existence of a butterfly that it arrives here on the planet in one limited and not so beautiful form, only to pull itself inward, cocoon itself off and allow the transformation that will inevitably come.  Once completed, newly unfurled wings begin the process of unfolding and dry in precious beautiful sunlight.  Once complete, a beautiful butterfly takes flight in sweet and beautiful currents of air flapping it's wings and imparting a beautiful sensation of freedom to those who stand still and are fortunate to witness with an eye towards understanding.  Life, when you begin to understand its intricacies and processes is so very beautiful I am often moved to tears.  In my childish states I sometimes give focus to, I am frustrated and tearful.  I'll pout and rail against whatever it is I think is unfair or unjust in my somewhat skewed assessment of this or that.  I'll engage in a poor me thought process for a time and then come through that by knowing that my allowing of understanding will transform my child-like state to one of a more peaceful, clear and fully understanding reality of what it is that I truly face.

This has been a long and strange trip thus far in my physical existence.  I could judge it and label it, find many who would agree with me, lay blame or take it in if I wanted but I don't want that.  What I'm after is the truth, what I'm after is understanding and what I'm really after is a return to the authentic human I came here to be.  I've learned of late that one of the truest forms of unconditional love for others is to let them think of me whatever they like without fear that their label can change the existence of the truth of who and what I truly am (Thank you Toni for helping me crystalize this thought).  Actually, my thanks should go out to every single soul who has ever imparted to me any action or words that I internalized in some victim manner of thinking.  I realize now these were mere perfectly timed lessons to help me understand that which was obscured by my own thinking and lack of awareness.  I hold no grudges, I hold no ill will and in this moment in time I feel nothing but love, forgiveness, absolution (as Toni would put it) because in a state of absolution it is almost as if you come to the true realization that there really is no transgression to forgive at a much higher level than normal human consciousness. 

Life is sometimes like going to a movie.  You watch what is projected upon the screen and view, interact or think of it as if it is separate from you.  Something you watch or engage in as you think right.  The reality is that life is how you create it, at least from the perspective of your own thoughts and emotions.  However, if you were to clear away your thoughts, labels, judgments and resulting emotions, you are left with a feeling and that feeling is the truth of a thing.  There is a difference between feeling an emotion and getting in touch with the truth of a feeling that comes from the core of the heart of your soul.  You have to learn to observe the difference but I assure you it exists.  As I learn to observe interactions from this state and this place, I have no urges to engage, circumvent or control.  I am at peace, tranquil, loving and understanding.  We all have our truths to uncover and I begin to uncover my own and loosen the grips of a tightly woven prison I created for myself with false beliefs and fears.  I hold them no more and will find each trace and nullify them as well.  And so it IS! 

A present particular challenge I face I have created for myself with my thoughts as a rock and a hard place.  At first I felt the pain, frustration and pure grief of this space in a certain area of my life.  I cannot rail against myself, a system or a paradigm that I, myself, have created for my own learning and at some level, amusement.  So, I began to shift my thoughts and the pressure increased.  The pressure knocked me to the ground hard and I kept crawling and feeling a sense of failure.   What I have come to realize is that I have not failed at all.  It is only a matter of a much needed and perfectly timed transformation from which I can allow things to be as they are and unfold as they will in the absence of fear.  I know from somewhere deep inside this change...this transformation is perfect, necessary and beautiful even if parts are perceived as painful.  We are always in motion, changing, growing, shifting and increasing understanding about things as they are and hopefully learning to allow things to be as they are instead of what we require them to be.  I cannot hold another's belief about me as truth because it's simply a perception that is not even my own.  I've done this the whole of my life and finally finding the smoke of this matter, following it's trail to a painful flame burning has sent me to a place inside where I can love the pain, love the fear and bravely face life unfolding just as it is.  It's perfect as it is...every word, every action, every thought and every reaction. 

In the process of my resistant understanding, realization has begun to dawn and my sleepy mind and heart awaken a little more.  I feel as if I've just been through a horrific battle with my arms tired as hell from swinging a broadsword of illusion.  There is no fight and nothing to flee from.  Life is just life, beautiful, changing, evolving and filled with grace and perfection unimaginable.  Learning to look for it and not only see it (that's just the beginning) but learning to feel that beauty from the inside out is a precious blessing and gift.  THIS gift I readily receive - again, and so IT IS!  I'm feeling a bit like the butterfly breaking free of the cocoon.  I suddenly realized I was in one and I'm ready to venture out, unfurl and dry those wings of mine and not only fly but soar.  That is my destiny.  It will be.  ~Blessings for your journey beautiful souls.  Every breath and step you take matters.  In love and light may you receive all the beautiful blessings your lives will continually bring you.

This post, I dedicate to all the powerful and amazing teachers in my life.  I thank you all from the center of my being.  I send you all my love always.

(Photo was a fortunate random internet find)

Internal Frontiers

Sometimes I wonder about my own thoughts.  I don't tend to even notice them until I feel them somewhere within my body, or lately, as a stressful condition takes hold of my focus.  I have a problem it seems.  I tend to take on too much.  Now mind you, I love, love, love peace, stillness and tranquility so very much.  But, I also love to learn about everything.  I'm so curious about anything and everything I find myself pulled this way and that and before long, all those curiosities stack up against the things I must think about and do.  Resistance sets in and the stressful thoughts are triggered.  I realized a long time ago that stress is very specific result to internal resistance.  Resisting what is instead of accepting things as they are will result in stress or feelings of discomfort.

I have to think about the sources of my own stress.  I am all too familiar with them but I'm not quite sure I can do anything to change circumstances at this time.  However, I am working on getting to the fundamental challenges that live deepest within the core of my being...who am I and what am I as well as whether I am living up to those things authentically day in and day out.  Sometimes I can say yes but very often I would have to say no.  I'm not intentionally inauthentic, it is just that I must focus a good portion of my time for now on what I seem to be losing interest in.  Is it burn out?  Maybe.  Am I just growing up and learning what's important to me?  Maybe.  Is it mid-life crisis?  Maybe.  All I know is that the stress begins with my own thoughts and the feelings behind them pushing me towards what I really want which will ultimately lead me away from an aspect of where I am. 

I realized something tonight driving home with the view clouded from my own tears.  Sometimes things are painful because it's time to change.  I realize deep down how very much I have changed.  My thoughts have changed, my desires have changed and the real person deep inside of me is breaking through this image of me I've allowed to take over as an existor (new word??? LOL) in my life.  All toxic horizons have been traversed and left behind me except for one and now that one becomes so painful for me it is all I can do to just breathe sometimes.  There are some themes and situations that can sometimes make us feel so hopeless and helpless but I know by far better than to give into those temporarily destructive thoughts.  I got what I wanted and that was to break through to the truth of who I am and what I wanted.  It's just that now I look around at some of the things that I've created and while satisfied in a way, I feel a sense of completion and an urge to move on.  So, with this last toxic seeming frontier I've created I've only one thing left to do.  That is, allow the change inside my heart and my thoughts to take over with a beautiful energetic magnetism and bring forth the change I most want.  The only thing I need do is be open, aware and stay positively curious about what unfolds next.  I need not despair toxic frontiers because I know I created my own discomfort just in time.

Change is always on the wind it seems in my life and honestly, I welcome it.  What beautiful blessings will this next series of changes bring me?  Who knows.  But I'm ready to make a change and take it all the way whatever it is that truly means.  I guess that's going to have to be enough to go on for now.  I'm tired of trying to make something work that can't and so, I give up and give in and do so gladly knowing that it is no failure to give in in this instance.  What it is I'm doing is realizing I've accomplished what I set out to do and now that it is done, I can move on to other things.  Time, time may not seem such a great friend at the moment as I wax impatient from time to time and become frustrated and tearful with the things I am feeling. In truth, at the heart of my soul I'm more peaceful in this moment than I've been in a long time.  The road to endings in preparation for new beginnings can take more courage than one thinks they can muster but that courage and strength is there and begins in the heart of a beautiful well of love deep within.  This, I know I can bear...weather...master.  So be it. ~Blessings for a grand adventure dearest souls.  Life might not always feel or seem perfect but truly it is and beautifully so.


(photo was a random internet find)