I can assure you that it can at times be quite painful to lift one's self out of former paradigms of thought and action in the world. Change can be quite unpleasant but as we all know from the existence of a butterfly that it arrives here on the planet in one limited and not so beautiful form, only to pull itself inward, cocoon itself off and allow the transformation that will inevitably come. Once completed, newly unfurled wings begin the process of unfolding and dry in precious beautiful sunlight. Once complete, a beautiful butterfly takes flight in sweet and beautiful currents of air flapping it's wings and imparting a beautiful sensation of freedom to those who stand still and are fortunate to witness with an eye towards understanding. Life, when you begin to understand its intricacies and processes is so very beautiful I am often moved to tears. In my childish states I sometimes give focus to, I am frustrated and tearful. I'll pout and rail against whatever it is I think is unfair or unjust in my somewhat skewed assessment of this or that. I'll engage in a poor me thought process for a time and then come through that by knowing that my allowing of understanding will transform my child-like state to one of a more peaceful, clear and fully understanding reality of what it is that I truly face.
This has been a long and strange trip thus far in my physical existence. I could judge it and label it, find many who would agree with me, lay blame or take it in if I wanted but I don't want that. What I'm after is the truth, what I'm after is understanding and what I'm really after is a return to the authentic human I came here to be. I've learned of late that one of the truest forms of unconditional love for others is to let them think of me whatever they like without fear that their label can change the existence of the truth of who and what I truly am (Thank you Toni for helping me crystalize this thought). Actually, my thanks should go out to every single soul who has ever imparted to me any action or words that I internalized in some victim manner of thinking. I realize now these were mere perfectly timed lessons to help me understand that which was obscured by my own thinking and lack of awareness. I hold no grudges, I hold no ill will and in this moment in time I feel nothing but love, forgiveness, absolution (as Toni would put it) because in a state of absolution it is almost as if you come to the true realization that there really is no transgression to forgive at a much higher level than normal human consciousness.
Life is sometimes like going to a movie. You watch what is projected upon the screen and view, interact or think of it as if it is separate from you. Something you watch or engage in as you think right. The reality is that life is how you create it, at least from the perspective of your own thoughts and emotions. However, if you were to clear away your thoughts, labels, judgments and resulting emotions, you are left with a feeling and that feeling is the truth of a thing. There is a difference between feeling an emotion and getting in touch with the truth of a feeling that comes from the core of the heart of your soul. You have to learn to observe the difference but I assure you it exists. As I learn to observe interactions from this state and this place, I have no urges to engage, circumvent or control. I am at peace, tranquil, loving and understanding. We all have our truths to uncover and I begin to uncover my own and loosen the grips of a tightly woven prison I created for myself with false beliefs and fears. I hold them no more and will find each trace and nullify them as well. And so it IS!
A present particular challenge I face I have created for myself with my thoughts as a rock and a hard place. At first I felt the pain, frustration and pure grief of this space in a certain area of my life. I cannot rail against myself, a system or a paradigm that I, myself, have created for my own learning and at some level, amusement. So, I began to shift my thoughts and the pressure increased. The pressure knocked me to the ground hard and I kept crawling and feeling a sense of failure. What I have come to realize is that I have not failed at all. It is only a matter of a much needed and perfectly timed transformation from which I can allow things to be as they are and unfold as they will in the absence of fear. I know from somewhere deep inside this change...this transformation is perfect, necessary and beautiful even if parts are perceived as painful. We are always in motion, changing, growing, shifting and increasing understanding about things as they are and hopefully learning to allow things to be as they are instead of what we require them to be. I cannot hold another's belief about me as truth because it's simply a perception that is not even my own. I've done this the whole of my life and finally finding the smoke of this matter, following it's trail to a painful flame burning has sent me to a place inside where I can love the pain, love the fear and bravely face life unfolding just as it is. It's perfect as it is...every word, every action, every thought and every reaction.
In the process of my resistant understanding, realization has begun to dawn and my sleepy mind and heart awaken a little more. I feel as if I've just been through a horrific battle with my arms tired as hell from swinging a broadsword of illusion. There is no fight and nothing to flee from. Life is just life, beautiful, changing, evolving and filled with grace and perfection unimaginable. Learning to look for it and not only see it (that's just the beginning) but learning to feel that beauty from the inside out is a precious blessing and gift. THIS gift I readily receive - again, and so IT IS! I'm feeling a bit like the butterfly breaking free of the cocoon. I suddenly realized I was in one and I'm ready to venture out, unfurl and dry those wings of mine and not only fly but soar. That is my destiny. It will be. ~Blessings for your journey beautiful souls. Every breath and step you take matters. In love and light may you receive all the beautiful blessings your lives will continually bring you.
This post, I dedicate to all the powerful and amazing teachers in my life. I thank you all from the center of my being. I send you all my love always.
(Photo was a fortunate random internet find)