I have to think about the sources of my own stress. I am all too familiar with them but I'm not quite sure I can do anything to change circumstances at this time. However, I am working on getting to the fundamental challenges that live deepest within the core of my being...who am I and what am I as well as whether I am living up to those things authentically day in and day out. Sometimes I can say yes but very often I would have to say no. I'm not intentionally inauthentic, it is just that I must focus a good portion of my time for now on what I seem to be losing interest in. Is it burn out? Maybe. Am I just growing up and learning what's important to me? Maybe. Is it mid-life crisis? Maybe. All I know is that the stress begins with my own thoughts and the feelings behind them pushing me towards what I really want which will ultimately lead me away from an aspect of where I am.
I realized something tonight driving home with the view clouded from my own tears. Sometimes things are painful because it's time to change. I realize deep down how very much I have changed. My thoughts have changed, my desires have changed and the real person deep inside of me is breaking through this image of me I've allowed to take over as an existor (new word??? LOL) in my life. All toxic horizons have been traversed and left behind me except for one and now that one becomes so painful for me it is all I can do to just breathe sometimes. There are some themes and situations that can sometimes make us feel so hopeless and helpless but I know by far better than to give into those temporarily destructive thoughts. I got what I wanted and that was to break through to the truth of who I am and what I wanted. It's just that now I look around at some of the things that I've created and while satisfied in a way, I feel a sense of completion and an urge to move on. So, with this last toxic seeming frontier I've created I've only one thing left to do. That is, allow the change inside my heart and my thoughts to take over with a beautiful energetic magnetism and bring forth the change I most want. The only thing I need do is be open, aware and stay positively curious about what unfolds next. I need not despair toxic frontiers because I know I created my own discomfort just in time.
Change is always on the wind it seems in my life and honestly, I welcome it. What beautiful blessings will this next series of changes bring me? Who knows. But I'm ready to make a change and take it all the way whatever it is that truly means. I guess that's going to have to be enough to go on for now. I'm tired of trying to make something work that can't and so, I give up and give in and do so gladly knowing that it is no failure to give in in this instance. What it is I'm doing is realizing I've accomplished what I set out to do and now that it is done, I can move on to other things. Time, time may not seem such a great friend at the moment as I wax impatient from time to time and become frustrated and tearful with the things I am feeling. In truth, at the heart of my soul I'm more peaceful in this moment than I've been in a long time. The road to endings in preparation for new beginnings can take more courage than one thinks they can muster but that courage and strength is there and begins in the heart of a beautiful well of love deep within. This, I know I can bear...weather...master. So be it. ~Blessings for a grand adventure dearest souls. Life might not always feel or seem perfect but truly it is and beautifully so.
(photo was a random internet find)