Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I don’t care for silence much and stillness makes me anxious.
I guess it’s because when everything stops, those fears and worries…
That lurk inside my heart and soul come springing to life for me to look at.
I don’t like to see these things and I care even less about feeling those things…
But they sit there like a silent hum in the background until it’s quiet,
And then I feel like I’m falling from the center of my soul, I hate it so much.
I’ve done a lot of things wrong in my life but I did the best I could with what I knew At any given moment in my life. When the delusion and denial slipped away I saw
Where I went wrong and I knew where I would go right eventually.
I don’t like being beaten over the head when I’m trying to right things.
So, why do I beat myself so emotionally at times like these?
I don’t understand and I really desire to stop.
“I’m good enough and I have a right to be here,” I think logically.
So, why is it somewhere my heart doesn’t feel that?
Why do I see the negative reflected back at me first inside?
Outside I’m smiling not wanting to trouble anyone…
Feeling that if I did reach out, I’d be met with silence and when I do reach out, often there IS silence.
I understand the source of the issue, its ancient history as far as I'm concerned.
Maybe old habits just die very hard or maybe I've just not done enough introspection
Given myself enough understanding or even allowed myself to fail.
Maybe I should learn to embrace the silence, love the silence and the resulting hum that gnaws at my consciousness...Maybe I should learn what it really means to love me.