Walking You Home

Written September 5, 2017:

 

My heart is so heavy it feels as if it cannot bear even the tiniest increment more of this pain.  Grief is a process and mine has only just begun.  I lost a very dear friend today.  I didn’t lose him in the usual way.  He got sick.  He was not going to get better and so I had to compassionately release him.  It happened so quick and he was gone.  For almost 14 years of my life he was there for me every single day.  He was sweet, so very sweet.  Every morning he would greet me as I went down stairs to make my coffee.  He used to wait at my door but as the years went by, he stopped hopping up the stairs like he used to.  He would hear me on the stairs and start meowing.  We would talk while I made coffee and got him his breakfast.  So much have we been through, he and I. 

He was the most beautiful and majestic kitty I have ever seen.  His sweetness was beyond anything I’ve ever known in a furry friend.  I remember the day we brought him home.  He was so tiny that he fit in the palm of my hand.  He was so beautiful, long black fur, and those huge yellow eyes.  My youngest daughter was only 1 and over the years, they became best friends.  I used to love to watch the love that they shared.  It made me smile from the center of my heart.  It was just simply beyond beautiful.  I'd honestly say it was truly extraordinary.

Today was beautiful too.  We brought him home from the ER having already gotten the news he would never recover.  I made a tough call because I loved him so much and just could not bear for him to experience any more pain, no more stress of vet visits and finally be at peace.  We all had the afternoon off to spend with our little family friend.  We played, as much as he could.  We loved as much as he would let us.  We gave him his favorite treats. We each sat with him and stroked his still so very beautiful, long black fur.  For brief moments, all seemed normal even though there was a heaviness in the air.  The clock ticked quickly and the hour came.  The hour came...

We drove to our wonderful vet.  They explained what would happen and we braced for it and it happened lightening fast.  So fast that if you blinked, you’d have missed it.  His spirit was gone soaring.  Our hearts broke and broke and broke. They break still.  We reached a point where there would be no more thinking about the tomorrows.  He was where he was, sick, deteriorating and sometimes the most  compassionate and loving thing you can do is let go.  So, we let go.  And now, now there is grief and wishing it hadn’t happened but knowing it did, it has and we can’t go back.  We have to cry, mourn and face the empty space in our lives he left us with.  He was so sweet.  His energy of just being there was so precious to me.  I’m so very grateful for my little friend.  It might seem silly to feel so much for a cat.  But he was not just a cat.  He was my friend, a true and good one.  He was the littlest member of our family and we just loved him so.

He brought so much to our lives in the simple things, with his constant presence and the joy and laughter he seemed to often inspire in all of us.   I am so very grateful that he was part of our lives for as long as he was.  Our little furry friends can be so very special in our lives.  We mourn because we loved and that can never be wrong.  I hurt and I hurt a lot but you know what?  I wouldn’t change it.  I wouldn’t change knowing him or any day that I had with him in my life.  The memories of him, we will always treasure and today?  Well, we got through it as a family.  As hard as it was on each of us, we walked our little friend home with love, with dignity and with great appreciation for all that he gave us.  Good bye Zacky Midnight, my little special friend.  I pray God has the most special place for you in Heaven.  You deserve that and so much more.  We love you and miss you.

Hold your fur babies close and love without any fear.  Sometimes life is great joy and sometimes too, great sadness.  The point is to love.  The point is to experience.  The point is to share.  Our little fur babies share so much with their sweet innocence and never ending love.  They are truly treasures.  If you are grieving the loss of a family pet, my heart goes out to you.  I know your pain and I know that pain means you loved and were loved by a precious little fur baby.  Even if it doesn't last forever, the love never dies.  It just never dies.  May your God or Goddess be with you and your fur babies no matter whether they are here or happily and patiently waiting for you somewhere near the Rainbow Bridge.