I understood then and clearly know now that "the void" was not truly a void at all as we might define it. My perception was that it lacked light but it most definitely did not lack presence. There was a presence there with me I know because I could feel it. It's hard to describe that feeling. It's almost like that feeling you sometimes get when you walk into an empty room but you know it isn't empty because you can feel the electromagnetic field of another human being in it even if you can't see them. Eventually they either pop out or otherwise make their appearance known and your normal physical senses take hold. Then sight, sound, etc. kick in and you soon forget about what you "felt."
When in the void, I "felt" everything. All other physical senses had been denied me because I was no longer in my body. I knew somehow I was still attached to it in some way but that attachment had not yet been severed. But then again, was I attached at all? What can I say that I know of this situation without coloring it with something I have somewhere read about to describe it? First of all, I'd have to go back to both physical sensation disconnect and pure conscious feeling reconnect. That is what it felt like. When pure consciousness was connected and the physical perceptions were disconnected everything was different. Before I had too much time to think about what happened, where I was and the fact that a part of who I had been was no longer with me, a different and much less exciting than life projection began. This materialized as I reviewed my own memories of the life I had lived up to that point. I experienced them in my mind's eye and I felt so much a part of every scene. I couldn't see all that well but again, I was not used to the senses being engaged in that moment. And it was that moment that engaged senses that never went away not even after I returned to full physical consciousness within mere minutes after my physical heart stopped beating.
As I stood there in the baking sunlight of a hot sunny day I considered the thought of existing in a void. Right then at that moment, I considered the possibility that I was truly only participating in a hologram that today I know as my own life. I was a bit disappointed by this thought. I did not want to exist in a void where I had no physical sensations and only feeling. And yet at the same time, I was grateful and infinitely so for the other senses that had come to life from my brief visit to the void. I could hear things, feel things, see things differently and I knew things through "felt" or "down-load" types of exchanges. As I think back, I remember the presence that was with me but seemed both separate and a part of me who prompted me without words to consider whether or not I was ready to move on from this life or return to it. I was left for what seemed like a very long string of minutes (30-45 minutes or so it seemed) just to decide if I wanted to move on or go back. I did very much sense with all of my consciousness that I indeed had a choice and my ultimate choice would come to fruition.
I thought I had made up my mind to leave the physical frame when I projected those feelings to the presence there with me but what came back was a very clear "Are you sure response" in feeling. A completely different form of communication that is just so hard to explain unless you've experienced it. Just then I realized that there were a few recent bits and pieces of my life memories I had not been earlier shown. The memory of the birth of everyone of my children then hit me and it hit me in a heart I did not physically have in that moment...it hit me in the center of my soul and the memories evoked in me a great and all encompassing feeling of love, dutiful obligation in the extreme positive and the strongest desire ever to return and finish what I started for their sakes alone. Within seconds of finishing that thought the void blinked out and I opened my eyes back in the physical with hospital staff buzzing about trying to wake me up.
My thoughts gently return to my question and my realization that goes yet unanswered after all of my effort to review my own memories. Am I truly physically here having a physical experience but now with some added "senses" or "feelings" or am I truly somewhere in the void projecting my consciousness into this physical realm because I wanted to or needed to for others? Does my sense of something in between ever stand a chance of being validated and does it really even matter? I can't answer these questions but still I wonder. In particular, I wonder when I watch videos about "ghost hunting," read about these types of experiences and then consider my own what may be termed as "paranormal experiences." I cannot help but wonder if our concept of disembodiment is really very off in some cases (I consider often having been followed by a shadow of light that comes with me where ever it is I move - a story for another time perhaps).
Moreover, my ego does not want to believe it dissolves and becomes part of a whole "presence" as it most certainly did during my void near death experience. My ego had no control and I felt nothing but openness, pure consciousness, peace and love even though I was in a temporary space of complete darkness. I was not afraid at all during my experience and I was quite comfortable so I wonder about my wondering about the void. I'm not going to dive into the various theoretical physics and schematics here. Theories abound and I find them interesting and its possible they do provide some answers but some things still just don't quite fit. I can't reconcile my experience with anything other than other memories of other times and periods of crossing over. Its strange to know that you know the answer to something and yet you cannot recall it...like the singer of a song or something else so familiar but you cannot touch it clearly with your memories to name it concretely. Even that holds purpose and is perfect as is everything else in this frame, I think.
Clearly, I need more coffee and perhaps to reluctantly return to my homework. My Colombian "Tarrazu" is calling my attention more than my memories just now. But, a part of me wonders still about the void and projector thought. I am going to let it go for now and come back to it again when in a different frame. Its a gorgeous morning and I'm going to go water some flowers in an effort to save them from the coming sweltering heat. If you've got thoughts on void NDE's, projection theories or other related ones, I'd love to hear them. Please feel free to comment below. Blessings of great love and light beautiful dreams.
(c) 2013 Jaie Hart (photo from beforeitsnews.com)
Special heart-felt thanks Liam for your assistance this morning in helping bring incoherent stream of consciousness/concept thoughts into a more coherent expression! Much love always!