Solitary Smiles

I put in a few long hours today working well past sunset and was absolutely content to do so which surprised me.  It’s Friday and having had a short week after the holidays, I really did need to play a little catch up.  Since before Christmas I have enjoyed the pure fullness of an intense feeling of peace that I’m just happy to exist in this world.  Sitting in the office tonight, I waved good bye to my staff who were getting out of the office after a few extra hours themselves and when they were gone, the peace and silence crept in. Tired but motivated, I got through the few extra things I needed to finish and then I left the office myself.  It was strange seeing only darkness when I left the building and just a few remaining cars in the parking lot.  But, again, this beautiful peace just seemed to be gently pushing me along to see things I don’t normally notice.  For being well after dark, the lights of the high rise buildings in the city actually appeared beautiful to me.  Even the parking lot lights seemed to glow a bit iridescently.  The night air crisp, clear and cool and the sky deep and cloudless just had me mesmerized.  I have felt like I was drunk since I woke up this morning and I’ve had to keep reminding myself all day, “Focus, sweetie, focus.”  I didn’t want to focus at all today.  I just wanted to play and go and be or do anything but be focused.  There are just days like these and I just observed myself and spent many moments today laughing at myself often as I somehow got through it.

My drive home was a dream and I was wholly unperturbed when I was cut off by the guy in front of me who made a hasty move right before a stop light.  It got under my skin not one bit.  This peace just consumed me to no end.  I turned up the radio and thoroughly enjoyed music as my vision took in the myriad moving and stationary lights contrasting against the darkness.  I made my way home and seemingly forgot how to park my car in my tiny little garage but even that didn’t get under my skin.  I just laughed at myself realizing the challenging time I’ve left for myself  should I try to drive anywhere tomorrow.  I closed the garage and walked onto my patio.  Struck by beautiful colored solar orbs changing hues and casting beautiful shadows and muted light just made me smile.  I was grateful in that moment I took time to week the garden and clean the patio a few days ago.  It was beautiful there in the darkness.  I finally made my way to my back door distracted by the lights and almost tripping on the step and realized that I had the house to myself.  Delighted at the thought I focused on dinner.  Finding something I cooked, cleaned up a bit and caught up on a little email.  Thrilled one of my new favorite authors is coming to town in a couple months and will be doing a workshop I closed the computer and just smiled.  Craving a little comfort (aka something sweet after dinner) I found an unopened box of hot chocolate with marshmallows.  Like a kid I could feel my whole being light up and I opened it and heated some water.  The joy in something so simple as a cup of hot chocolate after a very  long day at the office and on a very cold night and I was just in Heaven.  I’m sitting here next to my cat sipping it still smiling ear to ear.

These moments of pure solitude of late have brought me so much joy I can hardly contain myself.  It feels like the first time ever that I have fully come to know the joy of my own company free from obligations, responsibilities and accountability, I can just be myself and worry not one bit about what anyone needs or wants from me.  Not that I mind those things as I really don’t.  I am here to be of service.  But, there are just those times when the freedom of no strings attached to you and nothing nagging at you come and I fully believe such moments are meant to be immensely savored.  They are infrequent in a life such as mine and I really do relish the silence, stillness and solitude.  I cannot remember a time in the last ten years of my life I have ever felt so very content.  Not everything is going right at the moment but plenty of things are and well, that’s enough for me.  I’m satisfied with my work and play in this world and I’m really feeling the greater aspects of joy that brings.  My lessons have come hard and fast for so long that I have forgotten what true serenity feels like.  My peace was disrupted by my lessons proportionally to the extent of my intense resistance to what I was meant to learn.  I smile now realizing how much energy I put forth trying not to learn what it was I most sought to learn.  It’s really silly as I think about it.  But then again, I think the gratitude of understanding has finally captivated me in a wonderful way and I surrendered to Source any resistance a short time ago for no other reason than I needed to feel the child-like wonder and awe of this world again in order for those lessons to make the most sense.  Oh the tears I have cried and now they have been replaced with smiles and laughter, acceptance of self, forgiveness for self and others and this huge letting go of the weight of pain and disappointment I no longer wish to carry.  I’m just done with it.  So, now, I don’t even wonder about what comes next for longer than a second.  The ego worries it will long for things to do and it makes me laugh even more.  Come what may, surrendering to the soul of one’s self and all that self-is truly, deeply and always connected to, well, it frees you from all of those nagging little desires and I’ve noticed those leaving me more and more each day.  I pray they never return and find a nice safe quite place to dissolve into the all of everything.  I no longer need them.  I am finally at peace.  

I have realized too that in our various moments our focus and feelings shift and turn, change and evolve.  So much time have I spent in worry anxious over this or that potential eventuality.  Living in the present moment relieves us of that baggage I have learned.  I don’t know if I will always feel as I do now but I do know that I’ve held it for a while now and I pray that I will find some way to allow this to be more a part of me than all of the things that came before.  If I can somehow manage that, the next half of my life will be greatly improved over the last half of my life, let me tell you.   So, I’m off to fostering this feeling some more with a very good book I’m reading by Paramahansa Yogananda’s Self Realization Fellowship.  So many beautiful and loving pieces of wisdom in his works.  I’m grateful I was pointed to them....so very much.  So then, off with me then.  I hope that you, beautiful dreamers, will train you minds, hearts and vision to watch for the peaceful moments and when you find them, that you learn how to step fully into them and appreciate them with all of your being.  When you do, you may decide to leave all of your conflicting worries and ego struggles behind forever.  Life is truly better without them.  ~Blessings of great love and beautiful peace.

(c) 2013 Jaie Hart (photo/words)