An Evening Post

I’m sitting here alone in the dark and cool of a late autumn evening. Music playing low but loud enough still to move my soul. I’m so contemplative this evening. I’m reaching so far outside of myself just now. I’ve been inside far too long, searching for answers and finding more questions. It’s okay, that’s just life and I love it, don’t misunderstand me. But these are hard core-level questions and the answers just aren’t easy to discern and I think I’ve come to the conclusion that some questions are not meant to be answered. Maybe it’s that some questions shouldn’t be asked and instead one should just move forward in a moment even if a direction is unclear or there is fog or sun, I don’t know. I hate the cross-roads. I always have. I don’t like the forceful pause that spins me into myself to recall lessons hard won but it’s a necessary part of learning and I must accept this if I desire to grow and I do, I really do. It’s time for a new journey and I don’t hesitate out of fear. My hesitation is lacking clarity for the direction that’s best. My mind is already made up so I’m not sure about my doubts. This is cryptic as hell and its meant to be. I can’t stand here completely exposed to the world and well maybe that’s it…standing up to exposure once again. The thought doesn’t really scare me it’s just I’ve been here before but this time I have no expectation and I don’t have any fear. I have curiosity. I have determination. I have intent and that intent is manifesting just so much quicker than I anticipated and I guess, well the speed with which a certain thought has manifested in my reality is a little frightening.

But everything happens for a reason and with such interesting twists and turns I find I just cannot bring myself to turn back. I have to forge ahead and see and learn and do and, well, love every stick and stone that crosses my path…sunlight, rain, fog, wind, cold and warmth. I don’t know where I’m going even though the path is clear, I think that’s it. It’s intriguing as hell so, off with me then. One foot in front of the other I go.

Ghosts

I find myself caught in an interesting place with my thoughts. I’d normally just dismiss these kinds of thoughts but things never happen without a reason and in every moment there is an opportunity for growth. It’s up to us to choose what that growth will be and sometimes that requires a little contemplation. I’ve been around the block a time or two and as much as I strive to keep my focus in the present, periodically ghosts from the past do cross my path in interesting ways. My first thought about that is that things that are dead should be left alone. The ghosts sometimes need momentary acknowledgment, validation and then considering your own emotions, you may need to send them away with love.

The ghosts I speak of can be thoughts, memories or actual people. When these ghosts present themselves it’s important to consider your feelings the moment these apparitions arrive at your door. Your feelings are the most insightful things even if feelings are no more of a reality than the ghosts appearing before you. But, looking at the feelings will help reinforce the lesson the ghost was intended to teach. My ghost, at this point, is quite perplexing but I think I’m beginning to understand it’s appearance on my path. I’m at a cross-roads, so to speak, in a couple of different areas of my life. When you find yourself in such a place, it’s wise to momentarily consider where you’ve been before you can decide where it is you truly want to go. Then, of course, you must tune in very acutely to what is within you. Are your present choices and thoughts motivated by love or by fear? Search out the heart of your thoughts and feelings in such a moment and be very clear on your love or fear position. Where you are moving from a base of fear, it’s time to stop and love yourself some more or you are hard-life-lesson bound again and will choose the road to take you back where you’ve already been…again and again until you get it right. If you release the fearful things and instead choose a path of love, including making decisions that truly represent the highest form of self-love, you’ll find yourself moving in tune with the dictates of your soul, your heart and your dreams. Such paths will be even more rewarding for you.

But what about these thoughts again? Hmmm, I think I understand my ghost and the words and feelings it is trying to impart. I take away from this a haunting feeling of destiny, karma and contracts being fulfilled. Confirmation for decisions past as difficult as they were and although a little touched by this ghost's presence in the moment, I’m certain of my choice. It was a hard choice to make and I did it for me and regardless of the outcome, I’m in a good place with that thought. So, my ghost, I see you, I see the heart of you, I understand you more than you understand your presence and now I send you back to where you really belong with love and well wishes for eventual happiness for now and all time.

Self-Imposed Social Solitary Confinement

Sometimes when you learn something, it changes you forever. Life is full of such moments, those specific points in time where you know you can never go back to the way things were…you can never go back to being who you were. It’s a strange feeling, a significant feeling and a little bit of a sad feeling because things won’t ever be the same again. Although some types of change are good change, it still feels a little uncomfortable, unknown terrain, like driving into the sun…you can see a little but mostly not. It’s also a little like losing something, something intangible like when you were a kid and feeling freedom and accomplishment like never before as mom or dad let go of the back of your bike without the training wheels. You were flying like mad, the wind in your face, everything blowing by in a whir without a care at all until something happens unexpectedly and that bump in the road you were on propelled you from your seat of blissful freedom and suddenly gave you a lesson in concrete topography. You get back up and you try again but you may never have that feeling again, that feeling of trust, no fear, pure innocent exhilaration. That is until the first time you touch unconditional love, many, many years later as an adult.

Most of my adult life, romantic relationships were really about ego lessons, power struggles, compromising for control, stealing or preserving energy, suffering and delivering emotional manipulation blindly. That’s just the way things were in my ignorant state. In a way I think that ignorance was bliss for quite a while, never mind the fact that I had to keep starting, stopping, starting over again, stopping and starting over again in an endless heartbreaking cycle. For a while I shut my heart down altogether and pursued only the emotionally unavailable. What was inside of me manifested outside of me and I never understood why. I was a victim of my own mind, my own thoughts but through the years I gained a little wisdom and I learned to change my thoughts, change my heart and change my mind. Somewhere along the way, despite flying high, taking a tumble or two and learning about all sorts of terrain and topography as I was thrown to the ground again and again in my own emotional desperation, I learned something astounding. I learned something new. This one thing I learned changed me forever and I will never, ever be the same. I learned how to love without condition. But I couldn’t hold that because the rest of my thoughts had not made it to the level I somehow found myself. I hadn’t chosen very wisely, what I chose felt safe but the love I felt was real, it was unconditional and it was beautiful.

As I said, I couldn’t hold it and when it reverted to conditional and I saw that the individual I loved did not know about unconditional love, I saw how things would go and it had to end. He pushed the buttons, I did the walking. It was easy, it was mutual and then the emotions set in. Difficult emotions but it wasn’t so bad. I remembered what I had learned. So here I sit in my self-imposed solitary social confinement. I need time to think. I need time to breathe. I need time to heal some more. I need all of my thoughts to catch up to where I now know my heart is capable of going. I’ve now limited myself in a very incredible way, “a quality problem” a good friend of mine would say. I know that I can never go back to the types of relationships I’ve had in the past. I’ve tried dating some and my heart is open but I see so quickly now what spans out before us the instant we meet and one date is usually it. So, I’ve decided to take myself out of the game a bit…contemplate this “quality problem” of mine and decide what it means. It may be a little lonely for a while but thankfully, I’ve got my family, my work, my creative pursuits to keep me busy until I really finish healing, until I can really ascend to that place I almost claimed and then I’ll try again. What I am looking for is not easily found. I can never settle for a warm body and someone to feed my ego. I can never settle again for the mundane drudgery of compromises and reciprocal narcissism and I cannot start again until I find an equal at every level. I no longer feel the need to put a thing (relationship) before a person. I’m not afraid any more of being alone. Loneliness has become my best friend and that doesn’t make me sad not one little bit. It makes me happy because I’ll never again face those lessons I’ve already learned, I’ll never again settle for less than I deserve and I know I will never start something again I know I won’t finish. I am content to be and do and exist in my world moving in time with my own music, my own soul and the inner unconditional love I found. It’s an infinite well I learned and I know one day another soul on this path like me may be walking one night under the stars and maybe we’ll run into each other noticing Venus or Mercury in the distance and we might both realize we both will never be the same ever again.

I guess in a way I’m saying good bye. I’m closing a door that should have been closed a very long time ago and I’m not sure where I’m going or how I’ll get there but love is my truth and the truth shall set me free. Be well on your journey my friends, my thoughts…as always…are with you. Love and light!

Empty Feeling

That empty feeling…
That space that echoes within our soul,
That space that the unwary…
Seek to fill with love from the outside,
That space some attempt escape…
With food, alcohol or work,
That space is not a bad space,
And when you sit your consciousness,
Right down inside the heart of it,
It’s peaceful.

And when you’re really feeling that peace,
There is a still small voice that speaks to you…
Not necessarily in words…
But in pictures and feelings or memories,
That empty feeling is an interesting place.
When you’re sitting in the middle of it,
You can choose to sit
In the observer position within you,
And just notice the thoughts and feelings with
Non-judgment, non-attachment.

The thoughts just pass through,
The thoughts that drive assumptions …
Attempting to make you crazy,
Make you do something to disturb your own peace …
But the wise man knows,
Just observing the thoughts and feelings (which are certainly not facts),
Is key to developing serenity.
Sometimes in life I think serenity,
Is the real goal and not happiness.