Saturday, September 12, 2009
I want to talk about pain for a minute. A post I just sent to someone reminded me there was a topic I wanted to post about here...Pain. Pain is a feared and dreaded thing. In fact, most of us do some really crazy things to avoid pain. We stay in relationships, jobs and in friendships longer than we should to avoid what?...Pain. Well, here's the problem with that line of thinking. Pain is the great transformer, the great raiser of opportunity, and the great impetus for necessary change. Without pain prompting us to close doors on aspects or people in our lives that are no longer with us or good for us, we would not move onto the things and people we were meant to move onto.
I'm wrestling a fair bit with an ending and although I've closed the door and I don't fear the pain, it is still very difficult. I've embraced the pain. In fact, I welcomed her like a long lost friend when she came knocking...she was long over due and I'm grateful to have her here with me now...because that means I've achieved another level of much needed development, I've transcended the fog and muck I mired myself in for too long and now I'm ready to understand the lesson, let go and lock that damn door behind me (at least on one particular lesson). I don't hold any hatred or anger with the person on whom I had to close a door. I hold great love for this person but it was a situation that was NOT meant to be...at least not long term. A part of me always knew it. A part of me knew I had compromised too far and it was time I set things right for me for my own peace of mind and soul. No regrets.
So, now I sit here in the aftermath telling myself "I told you so" and "What took you so long?" LOL I don't know the answers to that other than I often see things not as they are but as they could be. That's a beautiful thing to hold such optimism, to see the best in everyone and everything but there are draw backs...like forgetting the pain of a harsh reality...and that pain was really screaming for attention, screaming for changes to be made for my ultimate good. I'm glad I heeded that call, finally. So, now I can sit with these waves of emotion, these waves of sadness and allow to grow within me a new hope for a new door or opportunity in time. I already see it coming, it's just a little further up the road but I'm in no hurry. Right here, in this moment is where me, my thoughts and my heart belong.
It's not right to rush the current moment, the current moment is all we have. In fact, when I stay very present in the moment, I don't hurt so much. It's only when I look back or try to look ahead. In this moment, I am not anxious or frenetic, I am peaceful, I am whole and complete. I have hard won lessons in my heart and I'm grateful because I know that although some of those lessons were painful, I will never close off my heart. My heart is always open and I'm so proud of that. Love is the answer to everything but sometimes its not the kin of love you think. Sometimes the best friend for pain is love...self love, gentleness, loving thoughts and deeds from the self for the self. Healing sets in then, lessons coalesce into real tangible thoughts and then opportunities and change come in like a warm summer breeze.
So, yeah, I'm in pain currently but I'm also in a state of grace, a state of self-love, a state of forgiveness and a state of hope. It hurts a lot sometimes but then the good things are still there too and I smile sometimes with tears in my eyes because I won't panic when I feel pain. I know pain is just one aspect of the journey I must contend with, embrace, accept and plan for. But also, I must plan for joy, self-discovery, happiness and change. These are all good things. It's a fine day to be in a little pain and it's also a fine day to let it go. (sigh)(smiles)