Thursday, May 21, 2009
Honor, Honesty and Healthy
How can I inspire you? How can I make you understand and truly know that you have every right to be here right now, and be here free from guilt, anger and pain? How do I make you understand that what you face is of your own choosing in many ways? The things beyond your control are teaching you important things you need to learn whether painful or joyful and if painful, there is no need to give up on life and see the world forever as a place void of love, full of people and events designed to tear your world apart. Life is as simple or as complicated as you make it. Everything you see and feel is based on your perspectives alone…you alone choose the shade of the lenses you put on and through which you view the whole of life and the world at large. Did you know that? It’s the truth.
We get so tripped up on our emotions. Mostly we are tripped up by assumptions we make about people, their feelings and thoughts about us and the actions and consequential reactions in life. We haven’t figured out how to really use the term “That just isn’t about me.” We either don’t use it enough or use it when we shouldn’t. There really is a fine line sometimes between self-knowledge, delusion and denial. But, through careful introspection, life-time pattern analysis and self-outcomes, you can judge precisely whether or not your every action is healthy or based on damaged psychology. If, that is, you are willing to. It takes a willing heart and mind to see things differently and to try things differently when things seem not to be going well. So, if you like to just complain, whine and seek sympathy from everyone else in the world, know this…you are manipulating people for energy. Be honest with yourself about that. So, if you don’t like feeling bad, don’t be a victim. Take accountability for what is your stuff and do something good, healthy and positive to change the things in your life that net you negative far-reaching consequences. It’s up to you. You’re in the driver’s seat of the car that is your life whether you want to pretend you aren’t or not.
So, where do you want to go today and what do you want to do? Are you happy or are you sad? Are you joyful or are you fearful? Are you at ease or are you worried? What do you want to do about any of your feelings? Sometimes when we have feelings we feel urged to do something, mostly get even with someone we want to blame for the bad things that happen in your life. But, the universe just isn’t that personal when it comes to you so stop for a moment and consider: 1. Are you in a relationship with someone who doesn’t meet your needs and they’re making you miserable? If you say yes…that’s your choice…get out if you don’t like it and stop waiting around for the person to change or you change your expectations. 2. Are you in a dead end job with people you don’t get along with? If you say yes…that’s your choice…find a new job and don’t give up until you do…you don’t have to tolerate what doesn’t work for you but you do need to eat…so get resourceful, get a plan to build new skills, go to conferences take classes to build your skills, grab the paper, talk to friends and family and find yourself a new job. The only thing that will limit you there are lack of acquired skills and lack of ability to do something yourself to make changes. 3. Are you continually embroiled in family drama? If you say yes, that’s your choice. You can either continue to get sucked into the drama or you can get some counseling, get a book, learn some skills on how to set healthy boundaries, calmly distance yourself from the emotional turmoil of other people in a healthy and non-threatening way. Learn some new skills to help you but don’t sit there and be a victim.
Now, sometimes in life bad and unexpected things do happen, things we cannot foresee and we cannot change. The range of horribleness can be minor or off-the charts but what is important is what you choose to do in the moments after that dictate your fate for the rest of your life. Focus on getting the help you need to get away from the horrible and unhealthy things, get psychological help, do the support group thing, focus on helping others like you, learn to write about it and inspire others to avoid or deal with what you dealt with…transform the ugly into something beautiful but don’t beat yourself up and don’t be a victim in your mentality forever after. That is a choice. In many cases, its totally reasonable to feel victimized but don’t own that to the point it becomes who you are. None of us are the labels we and others apply to us. We are human beings with minds, emotions and I believe, souls. We are not the adjectives that other people throw at us. We are human first while we are here in this life. Our lives, whether good or bad, can be experienced as we choose to experience them. Negative, positive or neutral frames are a choice we make (even if it doesn’t seem like it).
I’ve lost loved ones, I’ve had my heart trampled on by people you’d think should hold a sacred place in my life, I’ve been neglected, grew up in the system on welfare, went to rough schools, battled addiction in myself and family members, and I was told time and time again I could never succeed. For short periods in my life, I allowed those things to define me and erode my self esteem until I saw what I was really losing by making such choices. I lived in a continual state of fear, mistrust, worry and no love. No one has to live that way. I stood up and fought my way out of that by getting armed with information, reading self-help books, getting help where I needed help and doing the number one thing that makes all the difference in the world…changing my thoughts and my beliefs about me, my abilities and the world. I left high school in the 11th grade, with a certificate. I was told I could never get ahead in Corporate America. I was doomed to be a secretary forever. WRONG! I didn’t take no for an answer…I asked and researched what it would take to be ready for more and more responsible roles and I did the work, made the connections and now I’m a director…and I have no degree. What I have is ambition, what I have is positive thinking and what I have is a willingness to learn and do what it takes to get where I want to go.
I refuse to be told no but at the same time, I know my limits, what I’m capable of and I set limits in line with that. I’m no millionaire so I don’t go trying to buy mansions. I’m not a physicist so I don’t go around explaining string theory. I stick with my abilities, my real abilities and I build from there. If I’m lacking, I go learn or I accept my limitation in a positive way and move on. I fall back from time to time like we all do but never for long and that’s why no matter what, I will succeed. Failure is not an option and I will never be a victim for longer than is necessary to get my thoughts thinking in the right direction again. I have a great job, great friends, a beautiful family and a lovely cat! I have books I’ve written, one’s I’ve read, shoulders I cry on and I give a shoulder to cry on. I’ve realized that at 42 years old, the world, even with its ugly underbelly, is truly a magical place…a place where I can exist and do my best to make the whole of my part of this world a better place. That’s what I want to do. I want to leave my mark on this world with positive energy for those who are interested and those who come after me. I hope that they will bring with them mountains of hope, endless amounts of strength and optimism.
Life isn’t easy sometimes and the pain that we feel in life, although a choice, is very real and you have to learn that feeling pain is okay. We’re so conditioned to shove pain away, ignore it, hide from it or run away from it. That just prolongs the agony of it. Accepting the fact that we are in pain instead of fighting is the first step in healing. Understanding the lesson learned is the next step. Reinforcing the learning is the next step and then not repeating the lesson is the final step. Allowing yourself to make mistakes is okay, just learn from the mistakes and don’t repeat them. If pain gets to intense and you’re struggling, number one…get appropriate help. Some other simple things that you can make sure you do every day to continue to promote positive self thoughts and self-talk is exercise in some manner for thirty minutes a day (provided your doctor clears you for such activity), get outside (weather providing). If the weather is bad, look for far away and beautiful places on the internet or read a great book. If you can safely get outside, notice nature…the green grass, the trees, the scent of flowers, watch the birds, bugs anything that is alive. You might also step outside at night and look up at a star-filled sky. That one always makes my worries seem small and insignificant in a very huge way. Just try different things to fill you up in a different way.
So, I hope this post has given you some ideas. There are many more…use your imagination just keep honor, honesty, and healthy in your mind as a goal. Honor yourself, be honest with yourself and take healthy actions physically and mentally. It’s amazing what they can do for your psyche. Be peaceful.