Haunting

I’m struggling today a little. I feel worn and tired. I’m sitting here in my truck on Pacific Coast Highway listening to the cars go by, Staind on the radio and my own thoughts trying to coalesce into something concrete for me to grab on to. The fog is settling in on the water and reaching with wispy ethereal fingers onto the highway only to be rapidly dispersed by speeding shiny metal boxes with occupants focused intently on some destination, likely unaware of the journey underway.

I feel shaky and unstable today. It feels both physical and emotional even though there is no significant reason for it. Maybe the reason is more significant than I’m willing to admit. Perhaps I’m aware of a certain level of denial I wrap around me like a soft warm blanket that just won’t stave off the chill of a reality I want but I’m not quite ready to feel. Maybe I’ve grown so comfortable with the familiar of one aspect of my life while I stand on the edge of a cliff of impending change that keeps me frozen in time unwilling at some level to take more than a step or two in my chosen direction without frequent steps back. I know I’m retarding my own necessary growth because of simple fear of the unknown or what was once known a very long time ago.

The resulting sensation is struggle and intense feelings of being at war with myself and not wanting to let others down for fear of what they might think of me and the really crazy thing is that I know without question, my first concern should be what I think of me. But then I start to think that maybe its because at some level I don’t think much of me that keeps my desired progress stunted and wanting. At heart I know its not a matter of strength, I’m strong. It feels more like immature rebellion. I just don’t understand the source of it. So, I decided to give myself this one last day to give into the rebellion without battering myself about it and then I’ll be off again, taking steps in my chosen direction, even though I’m unsure of myself and even though I don’t know the way and the fear is strong. I’m stronger than this fear that for some reason I allow to stand in my way temporarily.

I can’t explain why I’m fighting myself here. To others it makes no sense. They just don’t understand. So, I’m underground with this war waging inside…my own personal battle of evil versus good. I know I’ll be victorious as soon as I let it go. I want to let go more than anything. I dream of being successful here and giving up is not an option I’m willing to entertain because that means defeat and I cannot live with that. So, at the moment I’m caught in between desires…one to change and one to remain the same. I can’t move in this moment and I can’t sit still. The beauty of this space in this moment is I’m teetering on the edge in perfect balance. There is a dark peace about it. But, I know me. I know my heart, soul and mind and I will tip the scales in the right direction. There is no better time for change than here and now in this span of moments and the next few.

I know I will let go because I love myself too much not too…too much to hold on to an aspect of my past that never was healthy for me. I’ll choose right but not for anyone else but me. I will give myself this one last day to contemplate the past and what it has brought me…basically nothing but pain and the future and what it will bring me…endless possibilities and I will step into the sunlight tomorrow in the dawn of a new day and I’ll be stronger than the voices of doubt pulling at my mind, wrenching my heart and soul... seeking to destroy my will, my dream…this one small thing that will prove to me that I truly am worthy; that I am as amazing as those close to me so willingly tell me. This one shadow keeps me from seeing what my loved ones see but I know they don’t lie. It’s time to wake up and look into the mirror and admit I am better than this one aspect of my past and give myself permission to see things in a new light and in this new light the shadow of addiction will haunt me no more.

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Struggle for Peace

Lately I’ve felt lost
A bit disheveled
Contemplating my place in life

All is impending change
Everything is motion
Some days it’s hard to hold on in the moment

But ultimately I know
It’s these things that cause pain
That refine our character into something amazing

The reality is
We’re already amazing
But at some level we forget

The daily struggles of life
In this place we all call Earth
Create a grand illusion; distraction.

We must be vigilant and fight
To remember our place and our own inner light
It’s that light we’re here to find and share

So, I come back to myself
As I always eventually do
And I struggle to achieve some peace

A friend asked me not long ago how you can love without any fear. On one hand, that's easy...where there is truly love, there isn't any fear...it's only the thoughts that kick in when you forget the love and let the fear begin to grow. So, don't forget the love...don't ever let it go...hold it with everything in you and realize that if you come to a point where the fear starts to grow and you become frightened...you've forgotten about love. You can remember if you allow yourself to. It's like flipping a switch in your mind that turns on your heart. Fear is insidious and only breeds more fear. On the other hand, if you only hold a space of love it's love that grows and fear has nothing to hold on to, it can't set in and it has no control...it cannot exist.

So, whatever bouts of fear you hold...SEE only love, be only love, feel only love and there will be no FEAR! Simple, yes! It's a choice as are all of our emotions no matter how involuntary they may seem. Feelings are not facts and love is by far more than just a feeling. Love is an all-consuming energy that is actually the stuff that life was made for. When you lose touch with that you can get it back and so simply so. Drop your preconceived notions, drop everything you think you know and walk outside...find a patch of grass and walk on it with bare feet, look for birds in flight and see the beauty of life in motion, look at the bright colors and intricate details of a flower...notice the clouds moving gently across a cerulean sky and realize the whole of life and existence is bigger than you are, more amazing than you can possibly imagine and fear is only torture you bring to your own soul for reasons you know but just remain unconscious of, or conjure up to feel a rush of adrenaline that makes you feel alive. You are alive and need nothing to make you feel more so. In your natural state, the energy of love within exists and you can touch it and bring it into focus at any time you choose...you just have to choose if you wish to stop feeling fear.

I've learned these things the hard way...don't follow my lead, it's not worth it...just see love...be love...think of love and give it as honestly and as openly as possible without judgment and there will be NO FEAR!

Inside Out

I guess maybe I’ve let the world create in me too much self doubt. Maybe I’ve been abandoned so much that anything that even remotely resembles that act sends the insecurity rocketing skyward. Maybe it’s just me who has abandoned me, I lost touch with who I really was somewhere amongst the mountains of self-doubt, pain, bewilderment and futile attempts at being invisible or being indispensable. I’m not sure what it was or is exactly, I only know I just can’t bear to carry that baggage another day. I think I’ve come to a place where affixing points of origin no longer matters, finding someone to blame is pointless and no matter what was said, done or not said or done, the only conclusion I can come to is I’m sick of feeling like I feel. I’m so tired of feeling not good enough, trying to stand out but not too much, trying to find love but not recognizing it’s truly for me when it’s given to me. I’m tired of not trusting myself and those that matter to me.

So, what to do then? I really don’t know other than doing what I don’t know how to do. But then I think, “How does someone come to know what they don’t know? You can’t know what you don’t know right?” I guess it takes the patience of a special kind of person who knows and sees you for who you are on the inside, who knows you really want to learn to be better and stands by you patiently while you figure it out…not to give you the answers and not to fix you but to stand there and be supportive while you figure it out. Having been with someone terribly insecure about everything I learned that no matter how much reassurance I gave, until this party was willing to trust himself to be loved, there was nothing I could add to that. Oh, I tried but it didn’t matter. Nothing I did was ever good enough. So now I’m in a different role learning that my own insecurity has surfaced and it has surfaced only because I’m learning how to trust. I don’t know how to very well but I intend to learn and I just pray my partner is willing to stand by while I figure it out. Same with security. I create my own security but I have insecure moments when something I see or hear or don’t see or hear takes me back to the past and I react like I did back then. Looking back I can see how wrong it is but in those moments just before the words leave the thoughts inside my head I don’t see. I don’t know why that is and why I have not yet learned to turn a deaf ear to the off-based negative voice inside my own head…the one I know is definitely wrong about me.

What I learned about love growing up is that there is only love when no one is hung over. There is only love when the house is clean, when the dishes are done, when your room is clean. There was only love when you willingly succumbed to manipulation and control without protest in any form. I never felt valued growing up and in fact I only ever felt like a burden to my family. It wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t their intent that I should feel like an outsider from as early as I can remember. I raised myself and my brother without much help from my parents. They tried but had too many other worries to contend with. I used to think that I didn’t know why I felt like an outsider in my own home…but now I do. I was born normal in an abnormal environment and I was shaped by that but now that I know, I can unmake what was made…I just need to learn how.

So, I guess I come to this…logically I know that I cannot trust my environment to reflect back to me what I am. I know that my own security must come from me and what I believe about myself. I no longer have any need to be invisible. I no longer command only conditional love because I no longer only give conditional love. I trust myself to do the right thing for me in any given situation. I may not say the right thing at the right time but I know that eventually I will say and do the right thing to make up for my mistakes. I’m not afraid to say I’m sorry but what I won’t do is apologize for who I am. I’m human, very human and I’m feeling my way through life as best as I can. When learning new things…like how to trust and be secure, I’m bound to make mistakes and I have and do and hope the folks that suffer as a result because they are closest to me when I have a moment understand that deep down I know what I’ve inflicted is what I suffer, that I do not mean to make someone else suffer because of my own fear or inadequacy, insecurity and I will apologize. I hope those closest to me know also that this is not something I intend to do repeatedly throughout my life. I intend to do something about it and make myself whole in the process and am making small strides in many areas every day even if they can’t see it.

It doesn’t matter if they see it in the end. It’s me making the effort and succeeding that matters. I can’t make myself whole just so someone else won’t suffer at my hand. I have to make myself whole because I deserve to be whole and secure. I deserve to know trust and recognize love that’s given to me…I must understand as I seek understanding. There is so much I wish I could change but I can’t go back in time…I can only ever say I’m sorry in general and do my best to pay my amends forward. So, my plan was to matter to someone that matters to me. But I never believed I mattered to the people who mattered to me and I never knew how much that was an insult to them. I didn’t understand and never intended that…they deserved better and I deserved to own the feelings intended for me. I now accept them without question, I now accept them without fear and I won’t reject or disbelieve again when those feelings come from those I deem worthy. That’s a start…it’s called trust. Someone very important to me said some words like that to me once…I remember very clearly…”How ‘bout TRUST me?” Those words sank so deep into my heart at the time and yet its this same person I mistrusted again…and for no reason other than my own insecurity. I’ve been doing so well but other changes had me reverting too old habits without thinking. Guess it’s time to be vigilant…beg for patience while I figure it out and own my stuff…and fix my stuff and go forward knowing who I really am and what I am truly worthy of. I possess strong character, morals, values and goals. I love and value kindness and compassion above most things. I live for those I love and care about. I love to love those I care about. I never give up without trying my best and even when I fail, I still keep trying until I get it right. I say I’m sorry when I screw up or hurt someone. I cry when my friends and loved ones are hurting. I’m too sensitive sometimes but I can achieve these two additional goals that I’ve set for myself…trust and security. They are so intertwined…you cannot have one without the other I think…if you trust yourself, you are secure in your thinking…if you love yourself, trust and security come more easily. Guess I’ve got my work cut out for me but I’m worth the effort. I have that on good authority that I wholeheartedly trust 100 percent.

I’m not sure what it is exactly that I’m feeling right now. It seems like resignation, a little like loss, some frustration, some fear of change, touching the unknown, maybe just tired. I’m not sure. These seem like such negative things but I don’t really feel all that negative. Really, it feels more neutral than anything. Several some ones, who have become a part of my sphere are moving away. Some will return, some will remain on the outer perimeter and some will just disappear. I ran into a ghost from my past yesterday. I saw the ghost but it didn’t see me and it raised some fear and anxiety in a heart beat. It took a while for me to recover. Maybe I haven’t recovered and that’s what has me feeling so strange. Another part, I know, is missing my significant other. He’s away on business and I always feel the loss of his presence when he’s gone most acutely in the first couple of days. He’ll be back soon but until then, I’ll just miss him.

It’s good to be on my own right now. I’ve got some things to figure out. One thing in particular is why I keep smoking when I really want to quit. Obviously there is a part of me I seem to be punishing, a part of myself I seem to want to cause pain. Each time I smoke, I dislike myself for it and then it makes no sense that I continue it. It seems to me that in order to eliminate the desire to smoke, I have to find that part of me that thinks so little of myself that I must punish myself by doing something I don’t like. What in me wants to make me feel bad and why? It makes no sense. I can say that I love myself enough to see things differently and I mean it and I’m trying to see but yet I continue to do this one thing that really upsets my happiness. I want to be proud of myself but in this one area I feel so weak. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s time to address my weakness, that part of me that I hide away from the world so no one can see, that part that feels fearful, unloveable, too needy, useless and more. That part of me comes from a past that no longer exists, it comes from a product of growing up with two alcoholics for parents who never intended for me to feel invisible and unloved. They did love me but were just unable to show it. So, if I now know this, why do those feelings from yesterday still exist…what is really at the heart of it that won’t let me go. I no longer believe it.

Maybe it’s time for that fearless, searching moral inventory I’ve put off from my Al-Anon work. Dealing with the fact that I’ve learned how to unconsciously manipulate people for love through people pleasing activity. Maybe it’s that I never allow myself to show need and instead focus on trying to help everyone else. Maybe it’s that at heart I’m truly kind but that I also use that kindness to avoid all conflict and that act is a mechanism of control, trying to control my environment so things in it won’t hurt me. Maybe I don’t trust my own ability to cope with stress and pain without a crutch like my parents did. Maybe I need to admit that I don’t know how to cope with life because the only skills I ever learned in coping was to stop trusting what I see, think and feel. Growing up, those around me I was supposed to trust and who were supposed to love me, invalidated what I felt, denied what I saw and showed me they could never be there for me. They didn't intend to be so unloving but they were unloving with themselves and I somehow learned how to be unloving with myself with this one act I perpetuate with something that is always there when I need it even though it's likely killing me. I don’t know. The more I dig the more I see the insanity of what I find. It isn’t real any more. The only thing that is real right now is that I’m sitting here, filled with wonder, curiosity, courage and hope. I know I’ll find the answers I seek and entertain wholeheartedly the healing that will come if I can just manage to let it.
What part of me feels so unworthy? It’s ridiculous. Truly. I’m strong, I’m thoughtful, sometimes oblivious because I’m too focused on what is in front of me. I am content at heart for the amazing things I have and have accomplished in my life despite the immense odds stacked against me. The fact that I get up early and go to work at a job that pays me well, that I drive a nice car…I have well behaved (for the most part) children that I love and who love me...the fact that somewhere not too far is a man that love me, friends who adore me... I have these things because there is something wonderful within me that drives me to obtain these things even though I grew up in the welfare system with nothing much but what the church would give my mom for us. Were it not for food stamps and hand me downs from my cousins, I would not have had food to eat nor clothes to wear. Maybe growing up like that made me feel unworthy but as an adult I know that had nothing to do with me. It had to do with my parents and their total inability to provide for themselves and their children. They were miserable and lost people most of the time but at heart they were good. So it seems strange that I’m so put together and seemingly normal most of the time but at heart I don’t feel like I’m good or not good enough. How can that be? That makes no sense at all. Maybe it’s time I just let it all go. It doesn’t matter anymore. Yesterday is gone and there is no one to blame, no one to hold accountable except me for allowing myself to feel that I’m unworthy of happiness, health and love. I don’t really believe those things so why do I feel them somewhere inside? It seems I must or I wouldn’t hurt myself the way I do, smoking when I want to quit.

I’m going to be spending some time this week in reflection and in meditation…seeking only to heal the dark places inside that I no longer need to carry. Like childish things, it’s time to put those old feelings away. I acknowledge their existence and I see where they come from but I think its time I decide to no longer let them rule my life any more. Its time I choose to stop letting yesterday impact me today. Yesterday is gone. I don’t want to change it and I don’t want it back. I just want to choose healing. I want to release the anger and the fear from yesterday. I want to hold only hope for the future and serenity in the present. I’m not sure how to get there but I do know from all of my studies and my work that intent is everything. If I align my intent with my highest health, my highest good, my highest healing finally, I might just accomplish this one goal…even though at the heart of it, it sets me up to succeed with many other goals.

This is such a personal admission to post here in cyberspace but I feel like if I don’t let people see who I really am and that I struggle like everyone else and that I am not the perfect image I try so hard to project to the outside world, I might just disappear and that the dark places inside might actually grow instead of dissipating into the light of day. That’s my truest desire, to let it all go, all of the anger, the sadness, the frustration, the feelings of being cheated, anxious, emotionally abused. Its time to realize I did deserve better and although I didn’t have it, I can create that now and I can do that through my intent and my commitment to myself to work on this every day. I can’t set another stop smoking date yet but my plan is to give this line of thinking much more thought this week so I can loosen the grip this addiction seems to have on my very soul. I think that addiction finds the weakest spot in you and then grabs hold of it like a moth to a flame…until you can see your weakest part and make it strong and whole, you can’t loosen addiction’s grip…you can slip away from it temporarily but you’ll forever be at risk of it coming back and latching onto you. I think love is the only way. Heal that weakness, love that weakness because it is one of the things that makes you human, love that part instead of loath it and then the addiction cannot grab hold because then the weakness starts to become strength as it helps you build your character. Character building aspects of our personality, set within our memories, are strengths in the end…they are not weaknesses to be despised. I think learning to love your faults as well as your skills is part of the key that unlocks the chains. I’m going to think about this some more this week and my hope above hope is that by week’s end, I’m done smoking. That’s my hope and that’s what I want to hold on to. That’s why setting another quit date seems stupid to me. What I need to do is get to the heart of my desire and remove the desire and then it won’t bother me when I choose to stop. It feels like I’m so close. I’ve been gaining some measure of success. I haven’t smoked at work in a week. I’ve only smoked on the way to work and on the way home from work…If I go out for lunch I might have one. The rest of the time I don’t smoke and I’m okay. So, I’ve mixed up the habit and often times I can eliminate my desire but just not consistently enough yet. I swear I will get there…I want to get there this week. I want this to be my last week of dealing with smoking, of allowing that place inside of me to exist that I somehow seem to loath. I’m looking at it now. I’m going to retire to my room early this evening, do some exercise and some meditation…I need to do some things that make me feel good and are far away from smoking. I am preoccupied with the desire but not because I want to smoke right now. It’s because I don’t want to do it anymore and I want to wake up one day proud that I made it 24 hours, then 72, then a week and then 3 and go on never looking back at this one thing I’ve done for so long for reasons that were more harmful to me than smoking. It ends now and my life, with a new intent and purpose begins. I’ll work through my higher power to help remove all the defects that keep me grounded and strive to go on in a forgiving light, especially with myself, and to love myself enough to not only see things differently but to live differently. These are my very heavy thoughts for the day.

Peace!